#i think that event made me feel very hyperaware of how my social issues can affect others. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yoshiscribbles · 4 years

Link

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Fleur Delacour/Viktor Krum Characters: Fleur Delacour, Viktor Krum Additional Tags: Enemies to Lovers, Enemies to Friends, i mean they're not really enemies more like rivals i guess, Medical School AU, POV Fleur Delacour Summary:

Fleur meets a terrible miscreant before her first day of Healer school, and is livid when she realises that man is meant to be her partner for the rest of the year. Maybe first impressions aren't the best though, because as time passes it's hard to remember why she dislikes him so much.

This fills square T017 of my @hprarepairbingo card, which was a Prince and Me AU. Seeing as I have never seen the prince and me, a quick wiki search told me it's about a foreign prince who asked a girl to show him her boobs in a bar, only for her to realise that they go to the same med school or something. In here, Viktor is a Bulgarian prince who asked Fleur to teach him how to kiss in a bar and has been feeling mortified since instead. Fic under the cut!

This is the last time she’s going out with friends to celebrate the start of a semester, Fleur thinks as she stomps toward her apartment with that man's dumbfounded expression still lingering in her mind. She takes care nonetheless to be quiet as she opens the door to her room; after all, it is late and her roommate Aurélie does not deserve to bear the brunt of her ire. It seems her efforts have been in vain though, for the light turns out right as Fleur tiptoes to her room and Aurélie appears, standing near their shared dresser.

“Now what kind of trouble has my precious little flower gotten into this time?”

The sound of her native language when she's gotten used to hearing English all the time doesn’t help to lift Fleur mood, and she very pointedly doesn’t roll her eyes. They’re not even dating anymore, but the older girl still hasn’t given up on using that nickname for Fleur, and nothing seems likely to dissuade her at this point. (Fleur doesn’t feel fond of that nickname, she doesn’t. At all!)

“I’ll have you know that I avoided trouble today,” she says instead of protesting the nickname, which was undoubtedly Aurélie’s goal. She drop her purse on her bedside table and lets herself fall over the covers after. “I didn’t even punch that- that-“ Fleur looks for a word good enough to express her utter disdain, but eventually gives up. “That imbecilic slug of a boy!”

With a grunt of rage, Fleur turns over to punch her pillow, immediately feeling better. Maybe she can imagine it is that stranger's face she is punching, the way she had wanted to after he asked her to teach him how to kiss. She drops heavily on the bed, not even bothering to avoid the various clothes piled haphazardly on it.

“You’ve never punched anyone in your life Fleur,” Aurélie points out, the ever unwanted voice of wisdom. “You’d have hurt yourself as much as you’d have hurt him.”

“I’ve kicked plenty of people, and if you continue with your unwelcome commentary you’ll be the next,” Fleur grunts into her pillow instead of dignifying that with a calmer answer.

Fleur hears Aurélie laugh, and thus isn’t surprised to feel a dip in her bed before her friend’s fingers begin running through her hair. “See, this is why we broke up: you’re so violent, little flower.”

Fleur doesn’t protest the nickname only because she is too comfortable with her current position to jeopardise it by running her mouth. She’s proven right when Aurélie’s hands continue their motions. “And you should also focus your energy for more positive things, right? Your healer apprenticeship begins tomorrow and I know you’ll feel livid if you lose sleep and get there at anything less than your best because a stupid boy has you out of sorts.”

Aurélie’s words are right as usual, and Fleur is still level-headed enough to see the wisdom in them. She won’t lose sleep over this unfortunate event and hopefully she won’t have to see that boy ever again.

---------

Of course that uncouth cad is the one in the room when she arrives for her internship assessment the next day.

“Yes, we’ve met already,” Fleur says, with a deliberately cool smile at her fellow student when her supervisor asks, but a polite tone of voice. He might be a cad, but she at least knows how to be professional.

“Oh, but that won’t do,” the Healer interrupts them before the boy can answer. “Healing might be a profession that seems solitary at first glance, but a lot of collaboration is necessary to ensure the adequate running of an institute such as ours. Therefore, the student at your side will become your most trusted confidant and partner for the entire duration of this internship.”

Fleur isn’t certain what her face does, but the other student’s face seems to have frozen in a mask of dread and unease that she feels mirrors her own feelings. He glances at her then quickly looks away, and she huffs, resolving to ignore him as much as possible.

“Go on,” the Healer says again, a wide beaming smile on her face. It's almost aggressively cheerful, and Fleur wonders if she feels relieved at the thought of a good-natured supervisor or exhausted by her enthusiasm. “Introduce yourselves, I’ll start. I am Healer Desrosiers, I like learning and traveling, I dislike lateness and when my cat doesn’t kiss me goodbye before I go to work, and I am here because I would like to impart my knowledge onto the future generation.”

She then gestures towards the two students for them to speak. Fleur does leave ample time for the boy to talk should he wish to, but seeing as he persists in stony silence while avoiding her gaze, she takes charge.

"My name is Fleur Delacour, I like... reading and most people, although I dislike presumptuous people and uncouth behaviour." There she makes sure, not to look at the man at her side, but she's sure he can feel how pointed her words are. With a bit of luck, maybe he'll understand that she doesn't want any further interactions with him. "And I am here because I want to help people recover."

Her supervisor smiles encouragingly, and Fleur likes her already. This would be the perfect assignment, if only... The boy speaks at last, his voice milder and quieter than Fleur had expected. "Viktor Krum. I like sports and family. I dislike being alone."

It's an... abrupt interruption to say the least, and Fleur can't help but expect him to continue. He doesn't, simply staring at Healer Desrosiers, who soon decides to make them visit their new workplace.

Throughout the day and the following week, Fleur keeps observing Krum. She doesn’t know exactly what kind of man she’d expected him to be. Outgoing perhaps, maybe even arrogant considering the abysmal first impression he’d made on her. Instead Krum is just… there. He doesn’t seem to go out of his way to be asocial, but he never approaches anyone first, and doesn’t bring anything to a conversation unless asked either. It takes a few weeks for her to notice, but it really seems like she’s the only one he talks to on a regular basis, and even that is only because they’re partnered for most their work.

He really doesn’t seem to have any friends, and first impressions aside, Fleur doesn’t know how to feel about that. It’s kind of sad after all. He’s quiet as they follow Healer Desrosiers around the hospital, but he’s also serious and diligent, nothing like the man she met so many nights ago. At first, she thinks he’s trying to impress her with his change of attitude, and resolves to not let her guard down. She’s met too many two-faced liars who behave differently in public and in private after all, and won't let herself be tricked by another one...

---------

Working with Krum isn’t as much of a hassle as she expected it to be despite it all. As… uncouth as he’d been in that first meeting, his work ethic is irreproachable. In fact, if she didn’t have that first impression of him running through her head, she would probably find him as lovely as the rest of the staff seems to. It stings a little to see him so taciturn with her when she’s used to being a social butterfly with just about anyone else, but it doesn’t sting enough for her to take additional steps to solve the issue.

It is as she’s working on literature review, slugging through articles with more and more frustration as none of them even approach what she’s looking for that Fleur finally sees another side of him.

“What’s wrong?” Krum asks, and Fleur is too irritated by her research to even think about being irritated with him.

“None of these people knows how to write a good article,” she says, glaring at the book like she could telepathically set those researchers on fire with her mind. As predicted, nothing happens. Not even the thought of her father’s disappointed face at her behaviour will make her regret the attempt however. If they didn’t want people to curse their names, then they shouldn’t have written a misleading abstract.

“Which subject did you pick?” Krum asks again. Fleur turns to him. She hadn’t expected more than a commiserating groan, based on their previous interactions. He seems sincere though as he stands up from his desk to peer at her screen.

Fleur blinks quickly and focuses back on the text in an attempt to try and ignore how close he is to her. It’s a lost cause, for in that moment, the room seems cooler than usual and the heat of his body all too warm in comparison.

“The one about tissue substitutes. I’ve narrowed it down to a few materials, but I need to ensure none of them interact badly with potion ingredients, especially for internal organ linings. Of course, some of these articles are deliberately obtuse about their findings.” By the time she finishes her speech, Fleur’s irritation with those articles has overwritten her hyperawareness of Krum’s closeness.

He simply hums thoughtfully, and Fleur closes her eyes with a sigh as she realises that he probably doesn’t have anything of value to bring to the table. Not that she expected him to, after. It had been generous enough of him to offer a listening ear and she doesn't expect anything more.

“I think I remember reading someone’s research about that. It’s in Bulgarian, but I can translate it for you.”

Fleur is so stunned by the offer that it takes a few moments for it to register. “You what?” She turns to him, not even registering how close the two of them are in her haste to get answers. “But Bulgarian isn’t even within the scope of most translation spells! And this project is due in three days, you can’t possibly have time to do that on top of your own work.”

Fleur doesn’t know why she’s suddenly attempting to dissuade Krum from attempting to help her, but everything she’s said is accurate and there is simply no way what he’s suggesting is possible. Strangely enough, he looks away, the slightest hint of red on his cheeks.

“I’m Bulgarian,” he mutters in the collar of his shirt, so low that Fleur thinks she’s imagined it for a moment. “And I know a spell that bases itself on my own language knowledge as well, so it will work. And it’s no trouble; you’ll have it by tomorrow.”

Then, under her stunned gaze, he turns on his heels and goes right back to his desk. Fleur stares after him, almost wanting to push some more and get answers. But if he really is helping her, now is not the moment to risk antagonising him and risk losing the faint trace of hope that’s started rising in her chest.

The next day, she finds a book and its translated copy on her desk. Attached to it is a folded note, and Fleur opens it carefully.

Sorry for being rude at the bar, it reads simply. There's no signature, no further words, but Fleur doesn't doubt who it's from nor its sincerity. She chances a look at Krum's usual seat and isn't surprised to see it empty. He doesn't seem like the kind of person who'd appreciate effusive gratitude, but she wishes he was there for her to thank him at least.

Putting the note back on the desk, Fleur sits down to open the offered book. She'll have to do something nice for him in return.

#fleur delacour #viktor krum #fleur x viktor #hp fanfic #medical school au

3 notes · View notes

iwenttoindia · 5 years

Text

Inner Pride

A lot of the time when things go down around the world, be it current events or just days of celebration, I tend to keep a lot of my personal sentiments inside. I think it has to do with not wanting to be political or too sentimental, I’m not too sure most days. I think a part of it is also growing up with the idea of being “strong” and not showing emotion, but that’s kinda hard to do when there are so many things that are happening that I just want to talk about.

Which is my favourite thing about Tumblr and my own space. It gives me a space to share that. And that’s what I want to do and what I want to continue to keep doing while I can.

First things first, a few things that have been on my mind for the past couple of weeks:

- June 12: Independence Day of The Philippines whenever I get a chance to show off or talk about Philippines, I am filled with so much pride in being a filipino. Though I am half, not raised in the Philippines or not very well versed in filipino politics, I am so proud to be a part of culture thats multi-versed in my opinion. This year, for some reason that I still don’t understand, it was widely celebrated - from the lighting of the Burj to a few videos talking about the country - it makes me think about the political climate that is in the Philippines. I don’t know if I’ll ever really understand what’s happening (mostly because politics has always been murky ground for me regardless of the country), but I do my best to keep up with the news and understand what’s happening. Yes, the politics in Philippines is murky and disturbing at times. But I think something that’s been changing thats incredible to see is how much more aware the younger generation is and how much more they are doing by making the public more aware. I generally don’t do alot, mostly because I don’t like talking about a topic I’m not well versed in - I believe that speaking out about something is something you should do when you have a solid understanding of something. Or at least have an open mind to discuss political problems. Regardless of it all, I’m a proud filipina and to represent it any way fills me with so much pride (that’s definitely not to say that I’m proud of my other half roots, even if I don’t talk or express it too often).

- Immigration things With the current political climate in North America around immigration problems, and as someone whose future life goals involves immigrating somewhere, its something that hits real close to heart - especially when I hear stories about families being torn apart and people fearing for their lives everyday. I recently watched an episode of “The Fosters” that deals with this issue. In the effort of not giving away any spoilers, the end all of the episode talks about the very real fear that so many real families and immigrants have (and have had over many years) and whose fear only gets stronger as xenophobia gets stronger in certain communities. It makes me so much aware... I don’t know if aware is the right word, but it definitely makes me hyperaware of the different immigration laws that are in place. To be careful about the steps I have to take to make my own immigration dream come true. The episode made me realize just how important immigration laws are and how important the power of social media and justice are. It makes me want to be more aware of current events and just work on being a more aware and... participating? citizen. It makes me so angry about how much injustice immigrants and undocumented immigrants face. Whenever I hear these stories, I’m astounded by how much hate and arrogance some people have against these events. How is it that large groups of people could feel that way about breaking up families. How is it that some people don’t think how it would feel if it happened to them and their own families. I think, more than ever before, we need to remember the importance of empathy and being open to peoples experiences. - Interviews The last couple of months have been a little rough on the soul, having been out of work for a while. But in the last two weeks, I’ve had a number of phone interviews that I haven’t had. I think there’s nothing for your self-esteem like someone saying we’re considering you for a job. A chance to talk about yourself and basically brag about yourself for a couple of minutes. I just want to be able to keep my head up and remind myself that I am able to do this. It will happen, I know it will. I think the hardest part about job searching is keeping your head up and reminding yourself that you can do it. Reminding yourself that there is so much more out there and there’s so much I can do other than a job and career.

- Family It goes without saying just how much pride I have in my family and all the things we have done and how much my parents have gone through to get to where we are today, to get my sister and I to where we are today in our lives and our careers. I think my parents underestimate how much they’ve done for us - either that or they don’t realize how much we appreciate it. I constantly call my dad a drama queen, mostly because he always goes “what are people going to think when you do this/that”. I don’t understand why he does that, but I truly believe that he just underestimates his and mom’s ability to impart their wisdom and their teachings and culture. I really don’t understand it mostly because I think my sister and I are so much better people than we could have been because of all the guidance they’ve given us over the years. I’m so proud to be the daughter of two young parents who were able to give their daughters the opportunities to grow and be who they want to be. I think it’s a testament to their lives that they gave us the chance to choose what we want to do, going against a very Asian belief of controlling everything. I’m so proud of how they were able to give us an amazing balance between cultures that has allowed us to navigate the world today, with all its changes, and just how global it is today. I thank God that they were able to meet and connect and give us an amazing life - even if my dad always wants more. And then there’s my sister, my strong-headed, supportive, sometimes bully of a sister with a heart of gold with a strange way of showing it at most times, but I know always has a soft spot for her little sister - no matter how annoying she can be. I’m forever amazed at what she can do with her heart and her creativity and how much more she has to give to everyone and the art community.

- Myself I sometimes I don’t realize it, but I forget that its okay to be proud of yourself, be proud of your accomplishments, no matter how big or small. For a while, I’ve seen myself a little less than I want to, mostly because I feel like nothing has been happening in my life and I’m in crossroads. But I think it’s important to remember my own milestones - moving and living on my own in a new country, learning a new language, going to new classes, getting my own apartment. So many little and big things in my life that I shouldn’t forget and just celebrate.

Because what’s life without being proud of who you are and where you’ve come from. Therefore, this is me saying I am proud. “I am a proud Filipino-indian woman of colour, proud daughter of loving, hard-working immigrants, proud sister of a Masters-going graphic designer and a proud future STEM member. 🙏🏽”

- June 21, 2019

#inner monologue #pride #family #myself #filipino #WOC #immigrant #immigration problems #politics #asia #guide #parents #stem

4 notes · View notes

robustcornhusk · 7 years

Text

wondering why i get more harassment than i used to; awareness of other people

there’s too many other factors - moved from suburbs of a mediumish city in the southeast to university to big city on the west coast, went from driving everywhere to a shut-in to walking&transit, went from being bigger and tougher than (others in my reference class) to smaller and weaker than (others in my reference class), changes in how i dress, from unaware of others to hyperaware (at least compared to my old self, and compared to some of the people around me)...

and i know that i get less of it than other people

(it is made certain that i am aware of this)

... holy fuck, do i get way more street harassment and weirdness now than i did when we all thought i was a girl. dirty looks and comments, when alone (slurs, “is that a man or a woman?”, ...) and and my partner (”y’all’re cute!” at best, “abomination” and worse, five minute long monologues about how it’s clear that we’re “soulmates”); people follow me, even into restaurants and stores, and grab me and don’t let go even when i start screaming; physically assaulted on the subway with bruising that lasted for weeks.

(nonpublic, more anonymous...contributing to a similar erosion of safety: the building i lived in broken into more than half a dozen times in a year.)

(once in high school, i bumped into someone. they got upset, put their hands on my chest, shoved me hard-"holy shit, you’re a girl! I’m sorry.” and ran the other way.)

a double-edged sword: be vigilant at all times, because if you don’t pay attention for a second, you’ll get got; being vigilant means being aware of the 99% of insults that would never escalate and wouldn’t have ever hurt you if you had just been unaware

it feels like... around 21, 4 years ago, i suddenly became very aware (but that’s not quite the right word) of other people (became suddenly aware that my models of other people were incomplete, unhelpful, needed to be developed further). suddenly, but over a period of months. multiple factors: living with housemates (not alone, roommates, family), later stages of brain development, i tried [redacted] many times that year, had a lot of free time (dropped all my classes, wasn’t working).

i think it’s around then, too, i started to have issues being in some public places. fine: airports, walking through crowded places, friends, places where i knew what to do and was interested in it like movie theatres or climbing gyms. not fine: crowded places where i didn’t know what i was supposed to be doing or couldn’t focus on what i was supposed to be doing and if i thought it would be visible that i didn’t know and that i wouldn’t be able to leave: classes i’d missed, standing-room events like book readings or concerts, long flights, ...

and i can’t remember, fully, if these things bothered me before. i think less. i can’t tell, to what extent, it’s 1) i was bothered by these things before or 2) i was not bothered by these things before and A) the problems i have identified now are new and B) the problems i have identified are old.

it’s definitely that some of these i was okay with when younger (planes? i love flying! concerts? hell yeah) and some, not so much (inexplicably went from Excited to I WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET OUT of group trip to [place i was very interested in] as a middle school student, and in retrospect i wonder than my sudden anxiety is related to this...).

i guess two years ago was when the Emotional Labor thing became... a big thing? and at first i followed it with great interest. now... when it comes up, i flinch. i feel like i’m not doing enough, like i can never do enough. i was raised to do this, but i failed at it; i am perceived as someone who was not raised to do it.

it feels sometimes like i am being hit with both at once by people around me: you were raised to do this, so do it, but you’re perceived as someone who isn’t expected to do this, so any annoyance you feel doesn’t count. anyway, you’re trans! you were never really a woman, you weren’t really raised as a girl, so it’s fine, right? this is fair.

i can’t tell to what extent this is actually implied or stated and to what extent my brain is making demons.

the person who brings this up most often now... it’s frustrating to me because they talk about how it really opened their eyes, made them want to work to keep the shared space nice, ... ostensibly, i cook, they clean. in practice, i cook and clean up half as i go; they clean up half the remaining; i come back at 10, see it unfinished, see them not present, and clean it myself. later they tell me “I was going to get that!”. when i leave it at 10, i come in the next morning and find it still undone.

(”The feminist hope for equality was that images of femininity would become more realistic, more self-affirming, more attainable, not that images of men become as equally destructive and insane. The fact that that's the kind of equality we're moving towards is even scarier, and has to have destructive effects on our psyches”)

i don’t know, right? they have some of the same brain problems as i do. it took 20 years of concerted, painful effort from others and me to get me to be a clean person who gives a shit about their surroundings. if it takes that much effort, maybe it’s not a good thing to try to get other people to meet this standard. maybe it’s bad.

and on the other hand, our kitchens and bathrooms have ants and this person has watched me spend hours this week cleaning our kitchen and their bathroom, left the room when i started delegating tasks to people (”We’re just going to grab [cookies], we’ll be back in a bit,” they said, walking down the hall, talking to our other housemate for half an hour, finally leaving, coming back 1.5 hours after they said they were leaving... after I’d already cleaned all of it up.)

the last couple of nights, i had dreams of ants in my bed, crawling on me.

i saw it suggested once: an autistic programmer explained that it appeared that sexism in tech affected her much less than allistic women, because she wasn’t aware of it. she was enthusiastic about a project; in backchannels people talked shit about her doing it, but because she was unaware of social cues, she was never emotionally affected by it: she wrote the code, she shipped it.

i know that, being aware of what other people might be thinking, doing, planning, i’m less likely to accidentally step on literal or metaphorical toes. it’s exhausting and it keeps being exhausting. for everyone, it’s probably better that i keep doing it. but ...

#i do not want to see or be seen by gender #king midas has the ears of an ass

5 notes · View notes