#i spent so many days in a row wanting to punish myself by doing reckless shit like drinking heavily or dojng drugs i dont even do

[landofgay]

me at 15: I think I have ADHD and autism and ocd and bpd and and and

me at 17: nah I was being silly I don't really have most of those things. maybe ADHD.

me now at 22: yeah no I have ADHD and autism and ocd and bpd and

#like genuinely the only explanation for my behavior the last week or so is BPD #i flipped out and pushed my bf away emotionally cause i assumed he would wanna break up with me #i have rapid weird mood swings #i spent so many days in a row wanting to punish myself by doing reckless shit like drinking heavily or dojng drugs i dont even do #my usual one is overworking myself at work which ismt good either #the ocd i know i have now cause its just reassurance type ocd which explains so much #the more i talk to my bf who is also most likely autistic the more i realize i am definitely autistic #which is funny when i remember when i was a kid and learned about autism and was like 'omg itd be so scary if i had that and didnt know' #i definitely have always had depression and anxiety #only just now realizing my depression is so bad i really do need anti depressants #cause i cant make any decisions or do anything without thinking im a terrible person and wanting to punish myself somehow #which is just. fucked #i cant make a mistake without thinking im worthless #and pushing everyone out of my life so they dont have to deal with me but then being miserable that i pushed them away #and then spiralling from there