#i sat at that kuladevam and all i could think of was my mother’s grief

[ambrosiadarling]

also that post about missing some place you can never return to because it’s changed so much. my mother’s hometown is so unrecognizable to her she can no longer find her way around. my grandfather’s father did not sell his home properly so now it is just a wall with no sign of life. sometimes i cannot understand someone speaking tamil even though i know i can understand it because my brain has trained itself to only understand how my mother speaks and my mother herself is forgetting too.

#we visited so many places my family used to live these past few days and i’m actually losing my mind #it’s such an out of body experience #i was sitting in a temple my thatha’s thatha made and there was a man at the doorstep who remembers my grandfather as a little boy when he #lived there #we met my thatha’s old neighbors who showed us the wall left of that home and asked after all the uncles and siblingd only for my dad to #have to tell them that almost all of them are dead #turns out my dad’s thatha died in a fire i didn #know that #i have all these vivid fears and i keep learning thag i have relatives who died that way #i sat at that kuladevam and all i could think of was my mother’s grief #just #so many emotions right now #actually losing it #ambrosia is talking