#i resent being forcibly included in a culture that i cant help but hate more the more i learn about it even on its own terms.

[ergativeabsolutive]

if i was going to be born into a culture and religion i wish it had been a culture in which i can actually see hope for revolutionary change, rather than feeling like we need to just burn it all down and start from scratch. and a religion i could just leave with "okay i'm an atheist now" and not feel the need fully excise every trace of it from my mind, despair at the reality that I never can, and find myself wishing that the religion had just been killed in the cradle 2000 years ago instead. i don't hate myself, i don't even hate my family. i don't even hate the people who are a part of that culture and religion. but i wish i had been born in literally any other context. i dont want to and i dont even think i ever fully can belong to my own people, but that doesn't mean i'll belong anywhere else either. at best i'm nobody and i hate that so much

#txt #i was writing a long post about my feelings toward christmas but it really all comes down to that. #i resent being forcibly included in a culture that i cant help but hate more the more i learn about it even on its own terms. #i dont want anything to do with you! but i'll never have anything to do with anything else so how can i ever truly escape it #i hate it #our values are poison. we have no history worth holding onto. no traditions no customs no anything. #the way we view the world itself is a load of shit. #our identity itself is basically a lie. #and that's leaving the unspoken part unsaid. #our religion? your religion. we proved almost instantly that the romans were right to try to get rid of it while they still had a chance. #and of course the french and the soviets were right to try again. #but a girl cant just live her life hoping for another chance like that. she has to be someone