#i really shouldnt get so hung up on this one thing but its so BIZARRE to me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ildivine · 3 years

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connor n i have been dating almost a year in july n im wildin about it.

its felt incredibly natural. even when we were spending a ton of time together, ze somehow worked it out around zir busy schedule, n still does. i reminisce on the early days in the garden... things were simple, diffurent, n naturally i couldnt keep my feelings a secret fur long. i remempurr being really excited, and really scared when that excitement was dying down, cuz what does that mean oh no is it bad??? am i falling out of love?? will the world fall apurrt even if i do??? turns out none of that is true n we jus have great chemistry by design n im grateful im a median that can suck ppl into my dreams occasionally but...

i still wonder if im doing whats right. zes just as smart, and quirky, and occasionally naive and dismissive yet utterly mature and adoring and emotive yet stable as i imagined in my mind n all my fanfictions. im not used to falling out of the honeymoon stage without immediately moving on to someone else, n honestly after ze heard abt my history with dave, we were both a bit worried about it.

but excitement and infatuation and love, romantic and familial, r all v diff things, n its natural that someone like me, who had no real concept of any of this things fur a really long time n someone like zem whos fresh to the concept yet knows how to date traditionally organically, work together well enough ive... learned enough to tell i still have a lot more to learn.

i still have a lot of negative expectations we’ve dealt with thru our relationship, and even our relationship with dean. dean is much more jaded than either of us, and connor is still brand new to the world, and i still feel confused and unsure about it all, but also two years puts a lot on a purrson n hes a lot wiser than the 3-month-old game version (of course) and i learned that dating someone i had an expectation of is kind of creepy and weird and strange, but it made us both excitable so i dont really regret anything.

but its strange to do it, again, in a way thats healthy, that moves at its own pace, that we check in on and celebrate every month if we feel like it, but if not, thats fine too. i comfortably have a brofiance and a boyfriend that ive been dating traditionally. so used to my own history of moving in immediately and then things get explosive, and it was natural for us both to have our stressors with ourselves and each other; i remember dave talking to sam at their old job last summer and saying “im kind of excited for their first fight to break out” and continued slamming me for my unpredictable, explosive history. i feel like our relationship has weaved in and out of being unsure and being absolutely, positively, definitely sure we’re a good couple n that shouldnt change!! n that has felt... the most confident i have in years, regardless of the circumstances. there were rough patches when i was relapsing heavily and ze made solid boundaries, which were completely new, because dean loves unconditionally and will accept me no matter what i do and it was bizarre to get into a relationship with someone (that is new to astral projection n was a year old when i met em lmao) that would say “if ___ happens, then we are breaking it off.” and it absolutely whipped me into shape and sobered me up even if it took months, and a lot of crying and anxiety, and i lost my point but i guess i want to say its been a great year. with covid and... everything, losing friends and other loved ones, we have spent so much time together that i have learned from. ze teaches me to relax, to get excited about learning, to want to watch television and play games that i otherwise wouldnt give a fuck about. ze makes me excited to live n thrive, n i make zem excited to experience smells, tastes, sights, sensations, places, people, things, a whole new world ze wouldnt be able to otherwise. and to be able to... understand that is good, that im a good influence, that i have given someone amazing things, is still somewhat baffling.

i dont know how i feel, still, and im sure zes settled into a label fur the time being, but i enjoy the fact that this is my furst relationship that i didnt just say “well, i might as well,” but the other person did first. that ze took that leap fur me, n also taught me to appreciate that if we did break up, it wouldnt be the end of the world, and we would still be in each others lives, and probably just fine n maybe even happier NOT tryna nagivate a star-crossed loveresque relationship between two diffurent dimensions.

but we make it work, n thats still a bit unbelievable to me. i hate putting ppl on a pedestal n going thru the celebrity syndrome symptoms disease, but since ze doesnt recieve much friendly or positive attention in zir lives in general, i think it was a relief after the initial shock n fear was gone.

neway ze played games n hung out w yong yesterday n told all our friends abt zir pokemon n im so fuckin happy fur em the end

#how long has it been since ive done a gay lil rant??? huh????#well guess what! IM BACK #i feel like im on livejournal again w this icon lmao

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