#i need to eat my gummy because im on a fckn roller coaster rn

[kweebtrash]

Literally forget the fact that i havent been active for like 2 years or whatever i was in my feelings and wanted to write about this.

Im not into kpop anymore, i mean not as hardcore as i used to be; constantly keeping up with comebacks, spending hundreds of dollars on traveling and concerts and hi-touch, buying albums and furiously hoping for my bias’ PC,etc.

I was already on the tail end of getting out of kpop but when i got with my partner i just fell out of it completely (they listen to kpop occasionally even before they met me.) But kind of the terrible mistakes i made on here and me working so hard on stories and them falling flat made me dip out completely.

BUT lately i’ve been wanting to listen to kpop just casually. I’m actually listening to my faves playlist now and “Shine” came on and it’s like my whole body stopped and i really wanted to cry?? Pentagon means a lot to me. They’re one of my ult groups and i legitimately almost threw up at the concert because i was so excited. I cried when Dawnie got kicked out, i was there watching the youngest three grow up, listening to Jinho being talented Jinho, all that stuff. But Shine was what got me back into Kpop in 2017.

I’m a second gen stan so i started in 2011 or so, all the way back to when BigBang was nice and wholesome and amazing and the music videos were way weirder and cringey-er. I fell out of it and Shine just grabbed me by the hair and was like COME BACK BITCH. And that song makes me so incredibly happy? It flooded back all these memories of going to KCon 2018, back when i didn’t even KNOW the member’s names but i was like I LOVE YOU ALL. It led me to stray kids and of course i had my obsessive BTS phase (and the NCT one after that. Hello Johnny) I made so many friends and genuinely enjoyed it so much, not only as a hobby but as a way to meet people. I miss talking to the people i’ve made friends with on here, the people who enjoyed my work, and not necessarily the people i made mistakes with lol but it was still a learning experience. All of those memories came back at once and i was suddenly just so fckn sad that i dont have that same feeling of happiness or those friends anymore. That i CANT write anymore because i just havent been able to create ANYTHING that i like. No fanfiction, no DND stuff, no worldbuilding. Just a few OC’s here and there that i’ve just thrown out because nothing seems right.

Kpop used to be so special. Back in 2011 when i was in high school, kpop was weird. It was all like “Why are you listening to music when you don’t even understand it??”. It felt unique and so fresh and for the weird emo kid that i was i was like a kpop hipster. That sounds terrible but that’s what it felt like. It used to be impossible for me to get ANY kpop merch and ever since BTS took over America and all the other groups after and we have merch left and right and kpop stores in the states it doesnt feel as special anymore. Not to mention the fanbases are younger and it weirds be out when like some teenager is over here calling Felix daddy when that child doesn’t even know the first thing about being dominate. Also my birthday is at the end of the month and im old now, lol. The groups keep getting younger and it’s kinda like in anime. I can enjoy it as a whole but it feels strange to have the children sexualized and not very many older members. A lot of them are older now in the groups that i like but it still feels strange to be almost 30 and fawning over people younger than me. My partner is 3 years younger than me and i still feel like i’ve robbed a cradle.

Anyway, i’m just in my feelings and stressed because i have life things going on but i basically only talk to 2 people that i’ve met from kpop and while i love them dearly it was nice talking to a lot of people online. But now i wonder if i could find other friends who will talk to me about shit outside of kpop. I know everyone has other hobbies besides this but i’ve never gotten to know that side of the people i talked with. Like, i never really got any writer friends and i DESPERATELY need some, i’m not that up to date on anime but like i’m shoving down 1000 year war and chainsaw man and Tuca and Bertie (that’s not an anime but an in general animation). I know everyone and their mom like’s DND now but let me see how you play it, the worlds you created, your OC’s. it’s kinda sad that i’m almost 30 and cant actually make friends lmao. I guess i might feel a little sad bc my partner has like a billion online friends and i would just like other people to talk to again about our interest, even if it’s still kpop from time to time.

Shine just made me think of some happier times in my life and all the good feelings i had and it’s kinda gone now and i just spent like 30 minutes at work writing this because my playlist made me sad. Let me leave now lol

But wait quick embarrassing PS: yesterday while i was stoned i realized that my partner is messy Johnny (minus the fuckboi). Like bad at expressing emotion, looks cold but is an actual baby, actually really sensitive, a mama’s boy, a stoner, constantly trying to make straight A’s and working hard and stressing. I really wrote about my dream guy lmao

ok, now bye. im embarrassed i wrote this

#i need to eat my gummy because im on a fckn roller coaster rn