#i know ppl from art school who fell into holes too and had to block them on LINKEDIN of all places theyd put insane stuff on linkedin | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tcalchemist · 7 years

Photo

Down The Rabbit Hole And Back Again. Wow. I haven't posted anything on here in over a year. Crazy, ain't it? So much has happened. For starters, I have dreads now. Started my loc journey back in April. If nothing else teaches me patience, this will. I fell out of love, fell back in love, and fell out of love again. I also came out to my family. But obviously, everyone knew of course. And they took it very well. My stepmom, Kim, who I've "hated" since day one, is probably the best stepmom ever now. She's more caring, more patient, still crazy of course, but much more loving now. She had a conversation w/ my older sister not too long ago and told her that she's very overprotective of me. That she believes there isn't a woman in this world that's good enough for me. Never in a million years did I ever see us being as close as we are now. It's insane. My best friend got married back in September. Unfortunately I couldn't be there because my job, that I am no longer working at, was on complete bullshit. I still feel bad for not being there for her. On the bright side she came back home in January and has been here since. This is the longest she's been here since she left for school back in 2011. I'm going to miss her so much when she leaves for Cali in a couple of weeks. I'm always missing her. Now we can get to the good stuff. The woman I fell in love with. After things fell through btwn the DJ that I was dating early last year, I convinced myself that I was good on love. I said fuck feelings and focused on performing and avoiding my feelings as much as possible. Until I went to my friend's studio session back in October. I'm sitting upstairs (I lowkey call it Bird's Eye View) writing my verse that I'm getting ready to lay down, and a girl comes walking upstairs w/ one of her friends and sits next to me, as they continue their prior conversation. I'm obviously red in the face and staring this gorgeous woman down, as if I've never seen anyone more beautiful. She was light-skinned w/ long, turquoise and blue locs, pretty light-brown eyes w/ an outfit on that I'd wear. The fact that I can still remember what she had on that day is crazy. She had on blue jeans, gold gym shoes, a white crew neck sweater that was set up like a bible verse that said, "Thou shalt not cometh for me unless I sendeth for thee." She also had on a black skull cap that said "ill" on it. All of this from one look. I had to introduce myself. And sure enough, I did. "Hey! My name is Crimson! Nice to meet you!" My dumbass introduced myself to this girl using my stage name. How. Stupid. 🤦🏾‍♀️ Sure enough, we end up talking and got really cool really REALLY fast. We just, clicked. She was funny, awkward, and super enlightened. I don't think I've ever connected with someone so smoothly other than Kelsey. In a way, things moved a bit fast. But, at the time, it seemed like we had known each other much, much longer. Unfortunately, things got complicated. The girl that she was previously in a relationship with, wanted her back. What's worse is she claimed the two kids her ex had w/ her ex husband. Sure enough, they ended up back together. I was glad that she was honest with me about it, but at the same time sad that whatever was going on btwn us had to end. I was fine being just friends with her, and I was willing to try to be just that, just as long as she was. So we tried. That lasted for about an hour. 🙄🤦🏾‍♀️😂 So, here I am, hanging with this girl and going out, spending all of my spare time with her, and she's in a full-fledge relationship with her ex, who didn't deserve to be with her at all. After a while, she noticed and realized that her ex didn't change her ways, that she blatantly didn't give a fuck about her issues, and was overly insecure about everything. What her gf lacked in, I had to make up for all of it. If she needed a ride, I had her. She wanted to relieve some stress, I was there for her. When she had to go to the doctor and she was afraid to go alone, I was right by her side. I was in love with her, way before my mind even could conjure up such a thought. A feeling. Something that I told myself I never wanted to feel for someone again. The day after Christmas, she broke up with her gf. In a way, I was happy because I knew she deserved way better. But I was also sad, because I knew she wanted things to work out with her girl, yet her gf didn't even realize the amazing woman that she had. And of course, I was there for her through all of it. Trying to mend a broken heart, and at the same time trying to keep my feelings in check. A few weeks later, things got rocky btwn her and I. After I got back from visiting California in early December, I got let go from my job. I honestly hated the job, but it was the worst time for me to start losing shit. My grandmother ended up losing our house because it became too much to try to keep it. I took it really hard, only because I know how much she loved her house, and I felt weak for not being able to do more to help her keep it. So my attitude started to change. We got into it about the smallest shit. Unnecessary shit that could've been simply discussed. She was helping me out as far as gas money, and whatever else I needed. For anyone that knows me, knows that I hate asking other ppl for help and relying on others. I felt weak that I couldn't provide at the time, and I took it out on her. All she wanted to do was help me, and I acted like a jackass towards her. And then, the icing on the cake. She's an artist, so she was getting ready for an art show that she was doing all by herself. I wanted to help in any way I could, so I told her that I'd take care of the DJ part for the show. What I didn't tell her is that the DJ and the girl that I was talking to before her were the same person. Bad, terrible fucking move, I know. I just knew that if I told her, she wouldn't have wanted her to do it. She cussed me out, said she could never trust me, and said that she was done with me and hung up on me. I never felt so terrible in my life. For days I was just trying to figure out how I could make things right with her. How I could get back one of the best things that ever happened to be part of my life? I had to be patient. She ended up calling me about two weeks later. And said she wanted to start ovr. As friends. A month passes and her art show comes up. She's nervous and anxy, trying to make sure everything goes right. I take up the responsibility to help in whatever way that I can, all because I knew how important her first solo art show was to her. The fucking DJ comes late, and when she does come, she sets up the speakers, leaves a playlist on, and leaves. If it's any mistake I've ever made it was talking to that careless, nonchalant piece of shit. Fuck her. Anywho the show was a success. Everything was perfect. At the end, she made a speech thanking everyone for coming out. She also gave a special thank you to her best friend, and my homeboy, Calvin; her mother, whom she dedicated her art show to; and lastly, to myself. I was beyond shocked. I wasn't even expecting it due to the fact that she lowkey hated my guts still. On Valentine's Day, I decided to call her and let her know how I really felt about the "just friends" situation. As I'm trying to talk to her, I notice someone saying something to her in her background. As if someone was whispering something in her ear. She was obviously with some chick and said that she'd call me later. I was so crushed in that moment. How could she move on so fast as if all that had happened btwn us didn't even exist? Later that night she called me back and I told her what it was. That I couldn't just be friends with her. I tried and tried but I knew that I wanted her to be in my life as more than that. "So that's it?" she says. I respond with a dry "Yeah." She says ok and hangs up on me. Immediately right after, she blocked me on all social media and my phone number. *Fast Forward Months Later* May. My birthday month. I threw an event with a few friends of mine. I'm good, I was working two jobs, and doing shows back to back. I also started talking to an older woman who had been crushing on me for years. My life is finally getting back to where it needed to be. Until I ran into her at my event. And sure enough, she's with her girl. All my emotions crashed down in that one moment. She said hey to me in an excitedly, fake way, and gave me a hug. So I played along. *quick reverse* She cut all of her hair off before her show. *back to the story* She starts to comment on my hair and the fact that I started my locs after she cut hers off. As I'm telling her how I had already made my mind up to start them a year later but instead I said to hell with it and just started them this year, someone else she knew walked up and started talking to her. So I did the most logical thing at he moment, and walked away. All of the feelings I had for her rushed back down. She looked so good, I couldn't stand it. So here I am, back in my feelings about the girl I could've been with for the rest of my life. I feel as if I just might need closure. If I can talk to her face to face, maybe I could fully move on, and actually give this new girl a chance. I don't know. All I know is that I've developed an unconditional love for a woman who probably wouldn't even bat an eye if I were to get killed tomorrow. Okay that might be a bit extra but, you never know. The only thing I know is that I love her. I'll always love her, no matter what. If I had a chance to go back in time to change my selfish ass actions, I would. I just pray that she's happy and becoming more and more amazing, and being shown the love that I could not give her. I love and miss you, Asia.

0 notes