#i know ascension in that way requires you to strip all psyche and ego and the freud shit

[fickkkin]

idk man. i should be humble and whatnot but i have to defend myself

#strrambles #ok first we can all agree i had noble intentions yeah? #right then. did i do plenty things wrong? well no #my only mistakes i argue were pushing my responsibility onto jakob #and letting narzissenkreuz take over #first of all carter was fully justified. he was in full agreement. we had appropriate intentions. #and i regret it? mm maybe. without him we couldnt have continued our research. #(and here i must say people look back on these actions with a lens from the present. they judge us because they know the archon would #save the day. but we didnt know that.) #the foundation of the ordo was once again justified. we were open with our ideas #we showed them the revelations. which were accurate at that time #and offered a utilitarian method that would allow us to preserve everyone #we were open with the idea #and they joined. #we knew only how to dissolve and merge #and were aiming for a solution after the mass dissolutions #which im sure we could have achieved and as a result reseparated post disaster #though i guess i cant speak of what ifs here #but look those were the intentions and none were: hey lets live in a hivemind forever! #that being said #my major mistake was dissolving myself #i know ascension in that way requires you to strip all psyche and ego and the freud shit #but i overlooked just how unethical narzissenkreuz would be without those things #and arghghgg. i dont know man. though narz isnt me because i die with my psyche #i have an obligation over my creation #and he — or they — messed things up badly. #and yeah by that dissolution i also indirectly caused my own brother to take such a dark route #the lengths he went to just to revive me was. frankly very cool of him. in my lens. but also terrible for himself and terrible for everyone #else. like if id just held off on that dissolving part and let myself figure things out for a bit longer #if my dissolution even WORKED in the first place