#i just.....really wish he'd stop self sabotaging n talkin about himself the way he does. like ok you wanna be bad then be bad but

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

Huh.

#doll #i think. he might be startin to let me in a little bit. #yea yea i know he could be fakin it but he's only ever done that when i've been really upset n on the verge of leavin #(assuming that was fake either but it was at least calculated) #& he'd have to be gettin desperate to start fakin vulnerability to this extent #i've been so completely infatuated for a couple of days now again that it wouldn't fit the pattern at all #especially with the way he's...sayin the kinda things that he knows played a part in me becomin more independent to begin with #tellin me i really should have reaper get me outta there if he gets out of control again n doesn't listen when i ask him to stop #even though he hates the thought of someone else protectin me. he can deal with it when it's somewhere he can't do it (like out here) but #if he's there but not doin it so someone else needs to? he looked. really upset about it. cause apparently that's his job #upset with himself not me (or reaper. who he only referred to as 'that guy' sgsgsgsg) #& talkin about how it's not fair the way the only people men like him can really be with are ones like me. cause if it's someone more like #them that fights back n doesn't put up with their shit it's just mutually toxic n everyone's secretly miserable #but when it's someone like me we get hurt so that they can get better. when we really should be w/ someone good n kind n safe #said i shouldn't be the one to pay the price for that. but i'm his 'only shot at getting better' n he doesn't wanna let me go #n it was. a lot. he's never talked about 'gettin better' before. just 'learning how to take care of me right' #but up til now he's always rejected the idea that he'd even need to get better. that there's anythin to heal. #i mean. i'm stayin as long as it looks like he's makin progress. or til he relapses enough times to burn me out completely n i go dormant #that was always the plan. i'm just slowly gettin better at keepin my distance when he's back to his old ways #i just.....really wish he'd stop self sabotaging n talkin about himself the way he does. like ok you wanna be bad then be bad but #stop actin like you're too far gone n all the shit you say about yourself is so built in you can't change em even if you want to #not with that attitude you can't! #spdrvent