#i just wanna fuckin. understand him and his position lmao.... i myself would've forgiven myself already but he's not me and he doesn't Ever

[wetpapert0wel]

mmmmm

#flick ticks #listen.........i know i keep saying i'm done talking about him.........but this is an important discovery i made lmao........ #so towards the end of our relationship i was Actually Trying. i was Actually Trying Really Fucking Hard to get better. i can recall Two #breakdowns that i brought myself down from- one i apologized for once i was calm and the other i had a hard time with bc i kept like. #realizing what was happening lmao (it was . one of the times he tried to break up with me lmao......) but i could get myself down for a #little while at least!! and the very last big breakdown i had i just. i literally just needed him to sit with me for 3 mins and hold my hand #and take some deep breaths with me and tell me it was ok. that's it. i just needed 5 minutes. but i guess at that point he was so fuckin #done with me and my shit that he just wanted to leave (granted also i wanted to go with him but like. damn. nothing for me when he was goin) #(he was going camping for a week at that time) and like.........yeah i did need more. not from him necessarily but i did need More Help #because god FUCK i was practically a pile of dust from being broken so much sgfnsvgksjfhs #sighs. i just?? i really wanna know like.....how he feels abt everything. like i have No idea what it feels like to hate someone So #Passionately- to be so scared of someone that even their name makes you sick. i have no idea what it's like in his shoes and god Fuck #i just wanna fuckin. understand him and his position lmao.... i myself would've forgiven myself already but he's not me and he doesn't Ever #have to forgive me. that's fine. i've moved on. (and yes i have moved on this is just smth i'm thinking abt and wanna get out lmao) i just #wanna know like. what he's thinking and how he's feeling. i wanna be able to read his mind i guess shfksvgnbdbfdjs- i guess i wanna know how #he's feeling so i can like? further analyze myself and like. work on myself more effectively i guess lmao. idk #i'm not gonna call myself selfish for wanting to know what i did wrong lol. and i'm not gonna call myself selfish for having wanted to fix #shit ❤️ because it's not ❤️ it's me feeling awful about the shit i did and not wanting to lose my friend(s) ❤️ #god. i am super curious as to like.... what all of them feel/think about me..... ah well. it's whatever lol #anyways i drove around town w/ my sister-in-love yesterday & it was fun! she only screamed a little SNFKSBGNS #i wasn't paying attention to the road for Two seconds & i almost hit a light pole SBFNSBFNDBFSMS #i'm gonna try driving myself to therapy today :) #my brother's car sucks to drive in bc it's so fckin loose LMAO #like. his gas and brakes are fuckin SLIPPY like- if i press Either of them *slightly* too hard the car fckin Jerks sbfbsjgbsjgbs #anyways i'm having a lot of fun driving :D one day i'll be able to drive to the mall sbgsbgds #i need to get better at multitasking w/ my eyes tho- i have a hard time focusing on the road and also peeping my mirrors to see if there are #ppl next to me/behind me that i cant see lmao. i'll get there one day tho :) i have a game on my phone that tests my reaction time & i might #use that to like. improve my ability to look around quickly idk sbfjsvgnsvfjss #we'll see! i'll just have fun w/ it all :)