#i havent been able to get out and pick up my meds and Walgreens canceled them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lightoverturesystem · 6 years

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Today was a really strange day. It started getting up and actually feeling well rested for once again, and not waking from a nightmare, to check my phone and see a new friend (who I have to write more on later) was coming by my house to pick something up and dropping off coffee on her way out. That was a great start to the day, a really pleasant surprise. I spent 4 hours on the phone, trying to resolve a nightmare with my health insurance. For nearly a month now, I haven’t been able to have health care. My state is currently reforming their statewide health care, and everyone on it was terminated off one plan and had to choose between a new 4. I of course, had my notice of termination and the paperwork to reinstate it sent to an address I haven’t lived at since 2013, which is basically a mail void for me, when the company has my correct address on file. Even though this was their mistake that cost me time, effort, mental and physical health, medicine, and money, there was no compensation. In order to get financial aid, I need a packet filled out by my psychiatrist, and only them. He hasn’t had an available appointment for 2 months, and won’t til the end of April, when I need this signed out ASAP because I have been selling my belongings since December to get by, and I really need the rent money. I would send it to him by fax to just have it done and turned in, but I need to have had an examination by him within 30 days of him filling it out, which I haven’t been able to since he’s been so busy. After wrangling proof of my citizenship and residency, my health insurance rejected me and everything was delayed another 2 weeks, because I did not date the affidavit I sent in declaring my current address was indeed where I lived and valid, which one of the health insurance employees said they never see the processing center reject those for that reason. hours on the phone later and two people telling me my health insurance still wasn’t valid, they connect me to the processing center themselves, and they process stuff on the phone for me because I will not stop complaining how this is costing me actual money. I am doing all of this because I have an appointment with him tommorrow that my doctors office specifically overbooked my psychiatrist just for me to be able to attend to get help, which if I do not have insurance, cannot go to as I will not be able to afford the bill. I was told by one worker first that if the appointment is within ten days of the insurance reinstating, they will cover it. But do I really want to take that gamble seeing as the thousands who live in this state also sending in applicatios and going through their own nightmares make the processing center very behind schedule? Especially when its a psychiatrist appointment... (Which are usually really expensive) No. Then I get told by another worker it won’t be covered. A third worker tells me it will. At this time, I have no idea who to believe and I don’t want to take the chance so I’m just complaining until shit starts moving. They process it. Finally I have standard care. But that doesn’t cover the new health plan I was supposed to pick. Well a week ago, I went online and chose my plan and signed up for it back when I thought the paperwork I sent in would be accepted no issue. I find today I have mail from this new plan, they sent me a healthcare card. I still don’t know if it’s valid or not considering I just now have standard care that I needed first before this one, but by the end of all this I was too exhausted to even bother to ask... I then get transferred to a line where apparently I can make sure my addresses are updated properly in their systems so this hopefully doesn’t happen again, where I am connected with someone who normally works a desk job not with people. I can tell this because after my addressses are updated, I get an hour political rant from this man about our current systems and government because you guessed it: there is no way to ensure this doesn’t happen again. So people like me just have to suffer. And at this point (which kinda is my fault for letting him go on) I’m just too anxious to tell him I gotta go in a non polite manner I have already tried at (I dropped like 8 hints and even told him, “well I have a lot of other things to do today so I kinda have to go...”) and getting angry about this new unpleasant news that I just have to bite another bullet from our shitty fucking government to care. After that, I use the last of my money to mail packages of my belongings out to ebay customers, while calling my lawyer telling her I am also sending out information for Social Security they asked of her, but that I have on hand. I get mailed a copy of everything they mail to her. She tells me it isn’t uncommon for clients to get notices a week before the lawyer does. Great. Next I fill out paperwork the place that gives out financial aid and foodstamps to, to extend my case for getting financial aid or I have to go down there a fourth time to open another case because orchestrating visits and exams with special doctors within incredibly small state case time restraints is a nightmare. I also get a notice I need to get a shit ton of paperwork done (I don’t even know what yet) for them or my foodstamps will be cancelled in May, a notice I havent even received in the mail yet. I only know of it because this place had their own app and thankfully puts up all the notices they send to you by mail (my health insurance should take a fucking TIP) Then, 4 hours in on the phone, I have to settle some BS between Walgreens and my insurance because my new insurance won’t allow them to mail medications to my house without them having a credit card on file for me, which I don’t have. I live a 3 mile walking trip form this pharmacy, something I can’t do in winter, and on bad pain days, and honestly shouldn’t be expected to do anyway because if I was more physically disabled than I am currently, I’d be so screwed. After basically having a mini panic attack with the lady on the phone, she assures me she’ll get it taken care of and does whatever magic she had to make it happen somehow. At least for this month. That’s one third of my meds covered. The other, I go online and have to fill out a form to refill each one. The last 6 or so come from the pharmacy 50 miles away at my doctors office, that hopefully I can get filled tomorrow after my psych appointment without an issue. After all of this and more I don’t even want to mention here, I get a call from a worker from the respit program I’m currently in for community support, and one of the workers only has tonight to take me to an LGBT meetup down town. Hopped up on 4 cups of coffee and 2 shots of espresso I think about how well, I deserve to go out and have a good time, and I really don’t know when an opportunity is going to come around like this. I decide to go. I actually had a really nice time. The place was very inclusive, though entirely older folk, who were suprisingly open minded about me being non binary even for older LGBT people. I spoke with a trans woman about how she finished high school right before Stonewall and learned a lot about trans history from her. She’s an advocate in the state and the only openly trans person she knows of in the city, which was kind of sad to hear, because even still this is Massachusetts, this is where a lot of LGBT stuff is centered! I told her, “well now you know of 2″ and I got to speak a lot of my own experiences. She wants to set up a trans specific homeless shelter in the city, and that made me really happy to hear as one of my main issues this spring/summer being homeless was the fact that being trans and a sexual abuse survivor as many of us are, I really had nowhere comfortable to be. They even had vegetarian food options there! I got a few phone numbers and maybe some help in the future with things I need. Leaving however, was bittersweet. At the end of it, someone mentioned to me that it only cost 5$ to do something, and I told them how I literally now have no money to my name, and how I’ve been selling my belongings to get by. And the group kind of gave me a pitiful chorus of, “aw that’s really sad” in a questioning kind of tone. I was insecure if that was like TMI or something, but as I told the worker I came with, I’d rather be honest with my brutal reality than be fake and lie, even if its not what people want to hear, both for myself and others. And it’s hard for people to hear moreso because they connect with me; it’s not just like I’m a person on the news with a sad story that they are very disconnected from. They connect with me and have to face something really shitty, that kids are thrown away and are uncared for and are facing really terrible things, things that people have to now look in the eye and don’t want to accept. People don’t want to accept that they’re living in the type of world where shit like what has happened to me and many people I know actually happens. And there’s something in me that just can’t bear to pretend like my situation is anything but what has honestly happened. It feels dirty to spare their feelings and just lie about it constantly, not to mention draining on myself. I don’t think I could continuously do that, or should be expected to. It feels like an injustice, and an insult to myself to do so. This can be really isolating sometimes. After that comment and my honesty, what followed was me saying, “well it’s sad, but it is what it is” and shrugging. and me and the worker left not long after, with those being the last words between me and some really good people. It left me with a pang of loneliness just as effective as the fact of where I was and all its inclusiveness brought a feeling of togetherness. Amplified it, even. It was a reminder that as togheter as I can be with people, I’m still just alone in life that way. I’m never truly alone as I have my partner and friends, but with them all so far away and me doing everything needed to survive, it can really feel that way sometimes. I’m still the only one whose able to fight for me in that way. I’ve felt less alone lately than I ever have, and I have more to write on this soon. I’ve made a wonderful new friend, have been doing a valuable service at the cat shelter surrounded by good people, and am finally coming in contact with my 2 best friends again who have been patiently awaiting my return for nearly a year now, and my partner and I are closer then ever. So having all these wonderful things happen and to have this reminder is sobering a little, and I really think it brings things home. I’m exhausted from today, but I need to rant a little how for me, more sad than the worst of my trauma is the fact that who I am now, my very existence and my whole life story, is just seen as something sad that people want to look away from. That people pity. It rings true to feelings I wasn’t able to identify in childhood of the same thing when kids would whisper how I’m the poor kid whose family needs the canned donations to get by, and clearly not really being treated right. In the extra good care and long sad looks in the eyes of the parents of the friend I was staying the night with. How they’d look at me when I told them I didn’t want to go home, and asked to live with them. Those same looks teachers gave me as a child, then as a teen, when I’d talk about my home life whether by venting to them, or through writing prompts where I couldn’t always hide my suffering. I’m tired of being that kid who was like one of the kids people are used to seeing on the news. And more recently, I don’t like the looks on people’s faces when I have to tell people I’m estranged from my family because the raw honesty comes easier to me than scrambling to make up a lie. The type of trauma I have is hard to hide, exhausting to hide. In order to keep anyone who I talk to more than a few times in the dark about it would involve weaving a huge web of lies I’m more likely to get tangled in due to poor memory, and put more effort in than to just be honest. I’ve had to tell people this more often than I thought I would too, because for “normal” people, family is everywhere. Family is their very foundation, it’s their icebreaker in conversation, and a land mine of triggers I always need to navigate. Mentions of it are everywhere in life that you can’t avoid.

For instance, today at the post office someone was mailing their new grandson a gift. She was talking about how he was 16, and she can’t believe they adopted him because, “who adopts kids that old, it’s like unheard of.” I’m happy he got adopted in the end. I told her for any of is it didn’t happen for, it’s like a win for all, but what I didn’t tell her is I’m also incredibly bitter, which surprises me because I’m really not a person I’ve known to feel bitterness often about really anything. But I was 16 when child services gave me the choice of a life of foster care and likelyhood of never being adopted, or going to live with a family friend. 16, the age I was when my younger sibling got placed into foster care and was later adopted into a super loving family. 16, the throwaway kid no one wanted. You just can’t go anywhere without family popping up, especially in small talk. It’s been unavoidable to notice the gaping void in my life that is family, that the size of is only just becoming really apparent to me now that they’re gone for good. I wish so badly someone nice would just come out of the sky and adopt me. And dismantling all the toxicity from my last relationship and their family dynamic really set me back in healing as it was the closest I ever came to getting that wish to come true. It’s why it took me so long to move on, and it’s been the thing I miss the most, not even those people but the family dynamic we had, which turned out to be super unhealthy for me as it was just filling old voids and not having me actually deal with them at their core. There’s been so much good in today, and so much weird unpleasantness that I’m not even sure how to feel on today as a whole besides the obvious proud I am for getting through an immense amount of utter bullshit that a year or two ago would have had me on my knees. I’m just ready for tomorrow to go smoothly so I can start my financial aid. Best part about that happening is that when I am approved for said aid, I can get the court fees for my name change waived, and I can finally work on the last stage of my transition, having the name I want. I will never have to hear the birth name used in spite against me by my parents and all the problems it caused wanting to get rid of it with my mother, again. I will never have to hear my birth name and be triggered, hearing it screamed at me by my parents ever again. Don’t even get me started on the amount of misgender and naming I received on the phone today. That’s going to be ending very soon, hopefully this year, and I could not be more ready.

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