#i haven't written fic in awhile so I may be rusty

[twicetolivetwicetodie]

I figured it was time a posted a portion of a fic I’ve been working on. This fic takes place between 3x20 and 3x21. Barry has shut himself away from the team after discovering he’s Savitar.  

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"Barry?" Iris opened the door slowly, careful not to startle him. From what Cisco told her, he wasn't in the best state of mind, but she couldn't stay away for any longer, no matter what Barry wanted. She didn't know what she expected to find when she made her way into the apartment, but it certainly wasn't this. The place was in shambles, garbage overflowing from the trash can and scattered  onto the floor, opened DVD cases with missing discs spread throughout the apartment. One thing was amiss compared to the tatters the rest of the apartment was in. The sink was spotless, not a single dish or glass was in it, and if she didn't know any better she would have said that no one had lived in the apartment for days. Her breath caught in her throat. Dad was right, he wasn't eating. Barry was splayed across the couch, just staring at the ceiling, his eyes not appearing to move. If she hadn't seen him move slightly, he would've appeared dead. "Oh, Barry." she thought. "What are you doing to yourself?"

"I told you not to come back here, Cisco."

Iris was startled, she didn't think he had been aware of her presence.

His voice sounded hollow, emotionless, and exhausted. As though it took every ounce of energy to make his voice form words. "Just leave me be. I don't need your pity."

Iris made her way around the couch, and took in just how poorly her fiancee had been faring. Cisco hadn't been exaggerating when he had said that Barry was a "hot mess". His eyes were red from tears, dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep, a week's growth of stubble on his face. He looked like Hell, which considering what he'd been through of late, the most significant being discovering the identity of Savitar, this shouldn't have surprised her. She supposed she hadn't expected him to react so dramatically. Savitar wasn't really him, not the real him at least. But there was no way to predict what was going through his head, not until he was ready to open up. And at the state of him right now, that would take time.

She knelt in front of him, and took his face in his hands. She felt the tears begin to fall from her eyes. "Baby, why are you doing this to yourself?"

Barry jumped back from her touch, as though noticing her for the first time. "Iris?" He seemed to choke on her name, his voice hoarse. "No." His arms started shaking violently, fear evident in his face. He was afraid...of her? "No. No. No. No. I didn't want you to see me. Not like this."

He seemed to notice the errant movement of his arms, and wrapped them around himself in an attempt to calm the tremors, but that only seemed to make it worse.

Iris took a seat next to him on the couch, and took his shaking hands into hers. She held them for a few minutes, not saying anything, before the shaking ceased. Barry took a deep breath, but didn't let go of her hands. In fact, He seemed to clasp them tighter. Seeing him like this further confirmed what she had been thinking since the moment he locked himself away from the world as a result of discovering Savitar's identity: She had to survive. Not just for herself and Dad and Wally...but for him. Her father and brother would be devastated if she died, but they would be able to move on. But Barry....if she died, and in his arms no less as his 2024 self had informed him, his mind wouldn't survive long.

"You don't have to say anything." Iris said. "I'm just going to sit here with you. You shouldn't be alone right now. In all honesty, you shouldn't have been alone from the beginning. I know you wanted space, but we shouldn't have let this go on for so long. I'm sorry."

"Not your fault." His voice was barely audible. "You trusted me. But I'm not worthy of your trust. Or anyone's. Not anymore."

"Barry..."

"I don't know how I didn't see it before. The me from 2046 was warning Rip Hunter about Savitar, not Flashpoint. He needed Rip to know about the monster that I'd become."

"Barry, you're not a monster. And you'll never become a monster."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do. Savitar is a time remnant. He's piece of you that splintered off and became his own person. His own monster. Whatever he became. Whatever twisted choices he made. He isn't you."

"But he could be. Something could go horribly wrong in my life that sends me over the edge. Anyone on the team could die and it would be my fault...put me on the path to becoming him. I'm a ticking time bomb, Iris. It's only a matter of time before I explode."

"Surely you don't believe that."

"I don't know what to believe."

"If you can't believe in yourself right now, That's okay. We can get you there. But at least believe that together as a team we can save me."

"Okay." Tears began to fall. He was silent for a few moments.

"I know locking myself away for a week seemed excessive, but I didn't know what else to do. I can't eat. I can't sleep. Not a single hour goes by without me thinking about the future. Nightmares...panic attacks and the accompanying tremors...I can't be the Flash like this."

"Then let us help you. You don't have to do this alone."

He lowered his head, looking at the ground. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry, I just wasn't thinking." He put his head in his hands. "I've gotten stuck in my head a lot lately. I didn't even realize it until Joe, Cisco. And you came to see me."

Iris didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say. To say she was worried was an understatement, particularly after what Cisco had told her what had happened last time he and Dad had come to see him. That's when she knew things had taken a turn for the worse. Chronic anxiety was one thing, but when you started hallucinating your friends as your enemies...

He began to speak again. "My powers are erratic. I can't control them anymore. I have no business saving lives when I can barely function. My enemies would destroy me without a second glance. Not that I'd mind." He laughed bitterly. "They'd be doing me a favor."

Iris's breath caught in her throat. "Barry, please tell me you're not serious. Please tell me that you haven't considered killing yourself."

"I..." He looked away from her.

"I thought that maybe...if I just...ended it all...Savitar would never exist. And then you would be safe."

"But you wouldn't be."

"I thought you would understand." He sounded upset. "I don't matter. Cisco, Wally, Jesse...they'd be more than willing to protect this city if I was gone. But you...you're more important than anything in the multiverse."

"Do you really believe that you don't matter?"

"Yes." His voice sounded rough. "I knew that pills would be too fast for my metabolism, so I thought if I just vibrated my hand through my chest..." His hand started vibrating then, not with anxiety this time, but with super speed. Iris grabbed his hand, terrified he would hurt himself.

"Please, Barry." She was crying now. "Please stop doing this to yourself."

"I don't know how." He said, his voice quiet.

"Barry, you..." tears were streaming down Iris's face, her hand stroking his hair in an effort to soothe his anxiety. He began shaking again, his heart pounding out of his chest, tears streaking his own face. "You need help. The fact that you didn’t tell anyone what was wrong, that you shut yourself away. It's not healthy, you know that, right?" Barry said nothing. "Just...promise me after this is all over, you'll get some help with this? In all honesty, we all could use it, but you most of all."

"I can't...I can't."

"Barry?"

"Don't you understand? I'm Savitar." His voice cracked, and more tears came streaming down his face. "I'm going to kill you. Oh, God, I'm going to kill you. I can't stop it. I can't stop it."

Iris held him and let him cry, with him still repeating "I can't stop it. I can't stop it."

"Shh... It'll be okay. We'll figure it out, Barry. We'll figure it out. God help me if I let you destroy yourself."

She held him as he cried, his head in her lap, her stroking his hair as though soothing a child. She was reminded of when they were children, and they sat just like this in the middle of the night, Barry crying in her lap over his mother's murder and his father's imprisonment. It had been so long since that day. Now His father was dead too, murdered in front of him no less. She knew that still haunted him. He never had a chance to mourn, and he never spoke about it. He had gone through so much in his 28 years, but none so much as in the past three years since he became the Flash. It was only a matter of time before he shattered.

A few hours went by before he fell asleep. He had begged her to not let him fall asleep, desperation in his eyes. It broke her heart, but she let him sleep. He needed it, considering he hadn't slept in three days, so terrified of what he would see when he closed his eyes.

He hadn't slept for more than two hours before he started moaning in his sleep. It wasn't very audible at first, but then the moans gradually grew into sobs.

"Barry?"

His dreams must have gotten violent, because he started thrashing in his sleep, his arms flailing. "Barry!" She tried to shake him awake, panic entering her own voice. She didn't need to wait long before he woke up screaming, grasping her arms as he sat up as though they were his lifeline. His arms were spasming erratically, his breaths coming in short gasps.

"Barry." She said, trying to remain calm, as difficult it was. "You need to breathe. Can you breathe with me?"

He nodded, she took several deep breaths, acting as his breathing machine in a way, and though his arms were still slightly shaking, his breathing eventually relaxed.

"Barry..."

"Bathroom." He gasped.

She wasn't sure if he could make it there alone, so she led him there on shaky limbs before he vomited into the toilet.

He laid his head against the toilet for a few moments, breathing heavily.

"Does this happen often?" Iris asked. "You getting sick after a nightmare?"

He nodded. "It doesn't happen every night, but often enough." He paused. "When Cisco and Joe stopped by, Cisco said that my dreams weren't normal, that they'd gone beyond nightmares, that they'd turned into night terrors. I don't even know what that means."

#writing #fics #i haven't written fic in awhile so I may be rusty #the flash #iris west #barry allen #westallen #hurt/comfort #tw: sucide mention #this isn't anywhere near finished