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aitian · 5 years

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Oct 1 2019

Tuesday 11:35 pm

August was fine. I spent time with mom & dad & there were moments. I made pants w mom, mom gave me a nice bob cut, i went to wegmans to eat in the cafeteria w mom sometimes & adele at other times, i passed my drivers test & got my wisdom teeth pulled out, & i did not work on my book. I moved into college & nneka had a lot of friend drama and i felt like am imposter in the irc bc black women should be free in this space without me watching but also they believe in many of the evil col*mbia things i cant think good things abt. I began classes & had a scare when i wasn’t supposed to sign up for my grad student class but i interviewed during office hours & it was fine. i now think honestly i am one of the better students but the class is kinda a mess. so are my other classes. surprisingly cc is very good & i enjoy my prof.

September was less fine but we did it. aside from classes, i am feeling more and less in tough w my femininity. like i present with longer hair now but feel like my body is really awful for ppl to interpret still, and is end up wearing a hat every other day. Mom called me last night & told me she was back from china, my grandparents are fine for now probly, and jimmie/alice’s dad d*ed. I don’t rly know how to process this information but jimmie liked my instagram post last night. that’s so awful.

Some good memories:

- first day of lion dance practice i sweat so much & emma has such good skin they just glow on low plaza under the soft night lamps & i actually had a lot of fun moving around & being around emma & afterward we all went to get free gong cha & i got a mango slush w basil seeds bc i was like wow it’s paid for try smth fancy & i went to emilys woodbridge apt & Claire was there making pottery & emma was talking to them when i walked in & it was so pleasant to see them together and then emma also came to do pottery & we all sat together in claires big bedroom/living room at night & talked & i felt like a part of a rly nice warm family even tho everyone else is not that nice and warm feeling abt each other to some numbed extent bc of crushes & bad behavior & etc but i rly had such a good night

- i went to the ny art book fair with grace & we met emma there & looked at zines & claire came later & i was like wow these ppl who i don’t even know very well took time out of their day to b with me & then emma & i took the train back & i talked to emma abt anarchy & chinese folktales & daoism on the train ride back & also mia mingus on leaving evidence at some point but yea i rly liked sharing time with them on the ride back then i took a nap i shouldn’t have taken & left late to go to my first day of tutoring & ended up being 15 mins late bc the one train goes express on weekends but i stayed for 30 mins extra & got paid 100 for an hr!! i was standing in the elevator with two 50 dollar bills in my hand like??? what??? this is my life? rich ppl just have money to do whatever with ?????? also side note yesterday i taught her how to draw a circle given a center & radius without plotting a bunch of points from solving the equation 💩

- after the wow information session i went back home with em & we cooked noodles together & em told their roommates that there were so many leaks in the kitchen & they all came and gathered around a bundle of leeks on the cutting board & the wow info session had such good black sesame moon cakes bc they were home made & smth abt the freshness just makes them so 香 but yea it was so nice to talk to em & share some hugs & food & it rly reminded me of those times last yr when em randomly invited me over to eat noodles & take care of me & tbh that’s the only non-parent love that feels so real that i can cry

- today was so awful bc it’s a Tuesday & that means i have printmaking from 10-4 & then chinese avant-garde 4-6 plus mei from wow could only call me at 1 today out of all the times this week so i spent my lunch break doing that & another stressful thing was my oral presentation in the grad student class that i was rly not prepared for. so i wake up around 8:30 & try to finish the reading i want to present abt bc i wanna review & don’t come close to finishing & head off to class & i had spent 3 hrs in the print show the previous day preparing materials for this class that we didn’t even use so im making a stupid book & it’s so stupid & i eat a few of my dumplings i fried in the 10 mins before class started & can’t eat them bc i feel watched & pressure to read & pressure abt how i don’t know anything abt what to do in this art class & ppl helping always feels like ppl telling me I’m stupid & also im just feeling bad in my body. so i unsuccessfully make 1 book after two attempts & then it’s 11:30 & i give up & just sit down to read & restless reading & then i go to lunch meaning i come to my room to read & at this point im feeling suuper queasy like dry mouth, throat closing up, feeling like i wanna throw up so i do & there isn’t rly much to throw up & it’s 12:59 & i think abt throwing up some more but i rush to drink water instead & the call comes at 1:03 & i am so cheery & have nothing to say so i just say all the things abt me & then she asks if i have any questions & i talk abt how amazing em is as if that’s an answer but not before telling her u have to go to class so we say bye & i go to class & tomas isn’t there yet even tho he looked me in the eyes earlier in the day & said he wants to meet with all of us for crit & so i ask joanna if we will be learning anything Jew in the afternoon & she says no & she would go if she were sick so i just put my stuff away & go to my room to finish (sorta) reading & type up a script for my presentation & then i tell xinni im leaving class around 2:45 so we go to the heyman center & i finish writing my part of the thing & putting pictures in & she finishes hers & we go to class & our presentation goes very well & lydia helps question ppl for discussion too so it’s not that awkward & i ask lydia abt what is avant-garde if were talking abt capitalists selling colonial modernity & anarchists in the same sentence & she spends the last half our talking abt how movements should resist definitions bc those delineations of boundaries are not conducive to discourse & so class ends & now im shivering bc im sick & i come back to drink some nyquil yay & chat with my ra & then nneka swipes me in to the dining hall but shes w the ra chatting for too long in a line that’s too long so i leave & sit in bed with my food to take a 15 min nap & by some miracle i get up to talk to grace & kyoko abt a workshop for apia-u & then aaa meeting happens & its whatever & i come back to my room- pretty sad day right? but i look at my phone & see Emma has sent me a video out of the blue called i love eggs & it’s just a song saying i love u abt eggs thatturn into superheroes & planes & rainbows & etc & idk if this is a super gay proposal or sorts or just super gay friend things but i think i interpret it as both. Finally i got an email from em saying they would love to welcome me as a wow intern & im sorta guilty bc it somewhat feels like i tricked em into making this happen for me by being pitiful but that’s such an awful thing to think & mostly i am very excited to work with em & see em & go to Chinatown & be tender & goofy & also earn a bit of money?? but yes very very good day.

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