#i got my oto cats at the same place and he was like ‘ill give you seven for the price of three because

[laudofthedeep]

4, 14 and 17! :)

Oh my god, apparently I somehow saved this as a draft instead of posting it? Unintentional, but also this is so long I refuse to proofread it before posting. Sorry to the brave anon who sent this. I saw it, I’m just also an idiot.

4. Oh okay no I see what happened, I forgot what this question was and saved as a draft to go get the actual question but then I got distracted. I think the question was like…bucket list aquariums or something?

The Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta! It’s one of the biggest in the world, and one of a small number to keep whale sharks! Also the Aquarium of Western Australia in Perth for reasons I’ll explain while answering 14.

Honorable mentions to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, which seems neat and heavily involved in conservation, and the Osaka Aquarium, which is both convenient and another of the few places to keep whale sharks but which I’m more cautious about due to Japan’s…lax perspective on animal ethics.

Incidentally, I’m not a particular fan of whale sharks (at least not any more than any other aquatic animal; they’re still neat) but an aquarium being able to keep them for several years indicates both an understanding of and a budget for keeping other aquatic life well.

14. What was an important, defining moment you’ve had with fish/aquatic animals?

I don’t feel like I had a specific important moment; rather, a lot of specific media gradually built together into an abiding passion for aquatic life.

There was something in the water in the early 2010s. There were four things that really stoked my passion for Fish.

The thing that really catalyzed it was Endless Ocean: Blue World, which is pretty much Fish: The Game. It was gorgeous (for its time) and did a good job introducing me to fish that weren’t typical aquarium fish (too bright, too same) or sharks (cool, I guess, but too sensational). As it turns out, there are all kinds of fish and they do all kinds of things. I particularly liked learning about deep sea stuff and still do because I like The Unknown.

Around the same time, I started watching River Monsters. I caught a bit of it on TV and fell in love. It had fish I recognized from Endless Ocean and it was (mostly) about being informational and scientific while still being narratively entertaining. At that time around me, fish were considered a hobby of rednecks (there was a lot of television about fishing that was very redneck, and I lived in an area that was decidedly Not Redneck) or the rich (who would go out on yachts and fish for billfish; these are who I lived around), and it was nice to see a television show that felt like it was for me and my interests.

Not too long after, Animal Crossing: New Leaf came out. Animal Crossing is many things, but to me it is a collector’s game. In that I use it almost exclusively as a fishing simulator, because that game is charming and it has Cool Fish and you can decorate your house with Cool Fish. This is self-explanatory.

But the most important one. The foundation. The godfather. Zoo Tycoon 2. I was just talking about that game with a friend the other night, and it was truly a boon for animal nerds everywhere. That game had a community that simply couldn’t exist these days. Both online and gaming culture have changed too much. Let me explain. Zoo Tycoon 2 was a pretty good game. Nothing groundbreaking. But. It had a format and source code that made it PRIME for modding. And so mod the world did. There were several forums in its glory days, and mods ranged in ability from “I took the base aardvark and made it red” to “I have lovingly rendered the world’s largest sauropod, adding several unique animations and behaviors and several hundred polygons”. And in these days, the internet would support you either way. Or at least the ZT2 community would. I can’t remember seeing a single disparaging post about something someone had created. There was one creator in particular (well, two, they were a team), Zeta Designs, who consistently made great stuff. Although I can’t find it anymore, they at one point embarked on a 1:1 recreation of the Perth Aquarium, creating new designs as necessary to reconstruct it. This right here is why I started getting interested in aquariums, and that’s what led me into the rest.

17. Do you keep an aquarium or an outside pond? If so, what animals (or lack thereof) do you keep?

I no longer do! I had to leave my aquarium behind when I moved to Japan, and that was very sad. I’d keep an aquarium now but my apartment won’t allow anything over five gallons. With that said, the aquarium I had was a 29 gallon with a pair of pearl gourami, a pair of ropefish, and some oto cats. I’d have wanted some more ropefish (they like friends) but I couldn’t afford a bigger tanks, so that was the best I could do. Actually, one of my proudest moments in fishkeeping was when I went to buy a new ropefish (one of them died during a terrible winter storm where my house lost power for a week, but it actually died in the fish daycare I sent it to because they have a nasty habit of jumping out of tanks and disappearing) and the fish store owner was like “I dunno kid, these guys are real hard to take care of and I’d hate to see see you coming back a week from now looking for another. How can I trust that you’ll be able to keep it alive?” And I was like. Uh. Well. I’ve kept a couple of them for three years now so I hope I’m good enough at keeping them alive. And the guy goes “Damn, three years? Arright buddy you’re golden, you’re better at keeping fish than 90% of my customers.” Dude got MUCH more talkative after that, I’m pretty sure I’d have been there for hours if my dad wasn’t waiting in the car.

#that fish store guy lived like an hour away and that the thickest new jersey accent ive ever heard #i got my oto cats at the same place and he was like ‘ill give you seven for the price of three because #it’s gonna take four before your ropefish realize they don’t like eating em’

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this morning i watched him simply turn to his mother, "oh yeah did i tell you about the bin" - a source of financial frustrations for him. and that brief moment, that opportunity and ability to turn to someone and say hey, heres this thing at a drop of a hat. i really yearn for that. most if not all of my current connecrions eith people are totally false. theres no substance or genuine care. theres just this surface level like you dont want to see a dog withiut water but youre not going to adopt the dog. lately ive felt extremely isolated - i dont know if its even worth talking about. i dot know if talking about it will solve it or make it easier. i guess i think abiut this one tidbit of advice his mother got, its about creating and living in a new normal. what was once normal for you is over and you have to create a new normal for you. so my new normal is spending a lot of time alone. even if i worked, perhaps itd bother me less because id be distracted and tired and that in itself is sad. no matter what there is an extreme looming sadness. why the fuck does any of this matter, why do i care - why should i go on? whats the purpose of going on? what do i have besides the belief thst "everything is out there for me" as if i magixally decided to hibernste and ignore what opportunities i had available. i am a god damn termite to people. im just like.. this thing that hovers around and sucks your resources but you feel bad for it so you let it go. lately ive noticed the air of desperstion i carry. i want to be around people. i want to care and be cared for. i want to be active in someones life and have someone message me and ask me whats up on a regular basis and just.. you kbow, care. but the more i want it the more people have turned away. i offer everything for it laid out in front of me - my house, my food, what little money i have, the opportunities i manage to come up with - i just keep offering it all out so i can have it in return. or maybe just a portion of it. i believe im worthy of love. i dont live in such a state of depression; i have a variety of interests, i hold good conversations about politics and life and philosophy, i am creatively ralented and my domestic skills are top notch as are my hosting skills. i am worthy of love. but i am not receiving it. i am inherently shielded from love. like its sketchy and gross. like im a diseased animal. maybe they want to love me but they cant because im a person who cant be loved. i want to go out and do things with people but i am not invited. i dont even think its a personal thing, i think they coukd even think i wont have the means or care to be involved. sometimes i dont. but im never asked out for a coffee or a drink. my friendships come by happenstance, as they always have, and thoee hwppenstance friendships have never lasted. why am i never asked oto do interesting or fun things? not even free things? im isolated and im constantly constantly constantly reaching out for something. just wow, thank you for talking to me. like i have to beg people to hang out, double, triple check they didnt forget and once im there they busy themselves with anything but a direct connection to me. i watched this right to die documentary. it was focused towards mental and unseen health issues and the argument was made that perhaos in sone of these cases, if they expended as much energy tryi to help them live as they did helping them die, the might actully not want to die. but i think society ca be like that. they would rather help you die, little by little, piece by piece, than expend the energy to help you live. i realized i am very different from others thiugh. people tend to accept a very small amount of "help" as sonething large and amazing that they did. they donated, had a coffee eith a friend whos been down for months, did a birthday psrty gig cheap etc. but i would literally accept them into my house right now and bathe them and feed them and give them my clothes and make them a bed and listen to them cry for hours endlessly. this is without question. all they have to do is ask. maybe not even ask - ill offer if i think theyy could use it. because it hurts me not to. i feel really anxiously guilty and it will be invasive to my life knowing i didnt give everything i couldve to a person i thiught needed help that i had grown a bond eith. THATS how ive been walked on for a long time. i alloeed it, maybe asked for it, because i believe in helping. i know how bad life is. i live in the trenches of it. i dont want to see another person suffer the same way. i think id gut myself and give a kidney to someone i loved. life is too hard and i feel too much. once you know what true loneliness is, it really changes you as a person. it changes and shifts your perspective and at times i feel like i want to be the most genrrous person, thst im moved by suffering but at other times i am bitter. absolutrly bitter towards the world around me. why is there suffering and why is it sonlarge you cant do anythint abiut it. why could i say every person i know is "crazy" - no one is crazy . everyone truly is exactly the way they needed o be to survive this long. they developed their own coping skills and theyre more than likelt a total inconvinience to everyone else. which makes it "crazy" i was called neurotic. im not crazy, im neurotic. why am i bothered. why. why do i care. i dont care. thats the problem. i "care" because my environment forced me not to care to a point that everything is utterly futile. i cannot find a purpose to care. i dont care about having things. i dont. i barely care about eating. i barely care about affording smokes. these are things i "want" at rhe very least and nothing pushes me for it. nothing gets me up and solving these problems. nothing makes me feel like any of this is important eniugh to have and experience and be. why? in the end , theres nothing. i cannot get over the pure nothingness ahead of me. thats reqllt driving my anxiety. to me, i see nothing. i dont see myself with this job or career i want to be apart of, actively socializing and existing, i dont see myself living in an apartment or basement or shack or trailer, i dont see a family, no children, no reliability, no stability. is it my environment. is it the people i know. is it my city. is it the country. how do i solve this. what can i do to create purpose? i went out, i joined clubs, i put on shows, i picked up hobbies, i met new people, worked new gigs, experienced new romances but to what purpose. what do i do now. how do i enjot life? i admired his ability to enjoy life as is. like he takes joy in small things and everything is meaningful and worth value. he created purpose in his work and drive. he still does. i want that. at the very least. start small, right? i want to find wonder and joy in my world. i want to feel what he feels; going hiking, bike riding, buileing things, playing games, friendships - theres just like accomplishment in it. i try to implement this, regularly. i really try. a d being poor makes it easy because you learn to appreciate things alot more. i am so grateful for the ability to have what i have. and i create these scenarios and try to appreciate its novelty, i guess. like painting in an artists studio in a gallery. it should be an experience, something creative and inspiring. but no matter how hard i try to shine the experience, its nothing more than a gsthering space for fuck ups. i hate it. i hate it but how do i change it and what do i want. what do i want so i know the path to take for it. i willingly try new things with ease becahse i hope itll be the thing. something will click and this will be it but im 27 yrs old and ive had many experiences thst led to nothing. always nothing. and i grasp. i like cats. maybe ill work in a pet store. but thats crazy, a pet store is mearly retail and retail is nothing more than stocking shelves and talking to people. othing to do with cats. do i go to school? do i dedicate my being for the welfare of cats? is it that important to my life? do i cook? professionally? what about baking? a greenhouse? floral designer? "just get -a- job". fine. fine. fine. get -a- job, but then what? i can eat but i have no desire to. i can buy nice things, go places - have no desire to. fantastic, im not a burden to anyone - the real goal. but i have nothing. and its so hard, so fucking hard to comprehend nothing when you know something. i never imagined the reality of nothing on such a level. ever. i knew it would come, but the heavy reality of it is something i never couldve known. so no one understands having a tangible "something" and feeling nothing. what is a nice house. what is a nice car. what is luxury and why does it matter and why dont i feel the same way about it? its nice, its easy, its beautiful- i see it. but why doesnt it make me feel the same way it does him and my exs and my friends. why dont i care? i think.. 5 hours ahead of me, really. i try to think a day or so ahead but i never go through with anything i think ill do a day from now. who knows what will happen. who knows if i get an opportunity for honest interacrion, who knows if i earn money - but i know in five hours ill still be here. ill probably want weed. ill probably want food. maybe ill be tired and sleep early or nap until someone bothers to acknowledge me. maybe they wont, but thatll be for me in five hours to deal with and itll start over again. working paycheck to paycheck is nothing like living hour to hour. i am in the absolute worst position of my life, bar none. i have never been so bad off, so depressed, so hopeless for such a long period of time. i am totally lost. always. j