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o666-999o · 7 years

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im in a hotel with amanda in canmore writing this in bed with my eyes closed

im thikning about how i need to get better in various ways like

i need a job

i think i should.want tovolunteer at cjsw, which means first i hae to contact them and then go to an orientation

i want to feel good with amanda and i want her to feel good ith me

maybe i need to smoke less weed

why am i like stck

it feels like i’m frozen or something

or not frozen but

im stalled

or on the fence or something

about what? maybe on the ence is the wrong way o say it

what am i even saying

it’s like i want to say “it feels like there is osomthing wrong wiht me” but like im afraid to say something like that

i want to be able to say “i feel like im good at art” but

art

music

am i good at that stuff? my dedication and self-dicipline have , perhaps its fair to say , maye they’ve been lacking or in short suply over the years

i hae put a lot of time and effort ,,,, and money! ,,, into )ugh i have that i wrote moneytlike that but im still in the dark with mey eyes closed so i can’t backspace it _ gghhgh

im like

i feel pretty proud of the progress ive made with msic

i’ve always had the passion but my skills and inderstanding and all that , it wasn’t there

i was pretty bad at it i think probably actually ugh

i dont like thinking like that it doesnt feel good to like feel bad ugh lol

i think ive come a long way anyway

i think maybe ? i had more of an innate tallent for for art maybe?

maybE?

it came easier i think

but i didin’t stick with it

like seriously its like my life is a series of almost starting things

i left my kids

and was unable

was unable?

to push through all of the anxiety and fear and terror )terror?_)

yeah i was fucking so afraid i felt like i could hardly move or breathe

i ocouldn’t push trhough it

or like, get over myself?

to be there for them

yet i’ve hung on to it

i want to have been there

i want to be there

and yet i don’t

i’m n lsjkf

saglaskgj

i’m not

i’m not there

and i can’t let it go

and like

the art thing

i got into it and took to it naturally and got into art school

although i must admit

because i was

wasa ?

i anyway i wonder now

did i have the tallent myself to get in?

because there were those figure drawings of nad’s that she let me put in the portfolio

to ensure my acceptance

because i didn’t have figure drawings

and i was with her daughter, i ghesS?

fuck

anyway i didn’t go to art school

i’ve just been like smoking pot and trying to get laid and having reckless relationships and making bad decisions and doing a lot of drugs and drinking and just aimlessly going

and here i am

ncertain and felling ill-positioned and ill-equipped to deal with it

i often question my existance and my experience and reality

and i dont know what the fuck like

am i crazy

because i feel confused and scared and threatened

i isolate myself

like i cna’t get enough time alone

even though i spen basically all of my time alone

and i have this like longing to connect with people

but the actual experience of being with people is so like draining and exhausting and hard to deal with and mmaybe like sometimes or even often like not even like a good time?

like, a drag, man

and what am i

and where am i

like i mean i know im in bed in canmore in this weird hotel where the lightswitches are like down at mid thigh level for some reason? and the peep-hole in the door is also extremely low? like i had to stoop considerably to peep

but what is life

like, life, man

ugh pfff

guh

its just like

how can i make sense of all the information i take in about the world aroudn me, and how can i find my berrings in th

in wa;haracteristic of my behavior, or like would it be fair to describe it like, when the going tets tough, i bail? i feel like there may be some truth in that

god am i like super evasive?

and like so ... hesitant? the first wordi thought was squeemish

to like

commit

just keep on moving

running away

and i want to say like “and always trying to save the day” but idk if that’s tru tho, like, i just watched a dr who episode and that’s basically his character

not like all that stuff aforementioned,

just the part , the running, and the trying to save the day

have i just been going wherever the going is easy?

is all of this shit a cop out?

i’m on medication

and like

ok ok

two meds, welbutrin and concerta

and i have bene taking dexedrine also because i feel like the concerta is not enough

and i have all this dex i sourced illicitly

the other two are persrribed

rn i can’t even twll if i’m like just caught up in some fucking web of lies and self delusion and i’m just a fucking drug addict who is tring to escape reality

running away from the hard tstdifficult stuff, the gugly stuff, the unfortunate, the unpleasant,

i’m only very recently

now i’m thirty three just recently mind you

who am i talking to this is a locked tumblr

so im talking to me i guess

if i ever read this

i’m probly cringing

if i’m anything like i have been, lately?

my heart sinks when i wrote that

and im like torn, about being completely honest with my counselor and my pschiatrist about the dex

because im afraid that they will think im a drug addict or like a user or abuser or something

because like

it feels like it makes it better

but thats what it feels like when u get a fix for your thing right

a fix of

or whatever

but then like

what am i missing?

i’m not sure if that’s the case or what’s the cause but like, here i am

ddid i write cause up there if i did i meant case

here i am

idk if any of this makes sense

because i’mnot looking at it

just like streaming it out

is it fair to say that, i’ve stuck with music?

like there’s been this dogged persistance

like a stubborn refusal to accept that i had no tallent for it

that i was bad at it

like did i want to be arock star or something?

i cant even handle the extreme minimal ammount of attention it seems

but like

do i want, admiration?

recogntion? aproval, respect, esteem

my friends were all better at it than me

having been in band, i just picked up the bass to be in a punk band and i played the our notes and like didn’t understand anything but all this....something

passion? energy?

is it more focused now, or is there less of it

dik if its like that

kids are like that, full of spunk

right?

spunk gross

energy

zest wtf

vigour

vigor

spirit

but like

every time a path is laid out before me

like i got into art school, i just had to do it

but its like

i dont do it

and yet with music

it’s not a path

it’s like this fucking awful terrain

or even like, a wall or something

and yet that’s where for some reason it seems for whatever reason i’m pursuing making music

just keep on going htat way

inching along

i probably know less about music theory now than my friends did coming out of highshool

but i’m becoming a pretty ,,good?

music producer

im getting better anyway

for the first time im like finishing

songs

and feeling good about them

proud of them

listening to them over time and not feeling ashamed of them

and feeling like

i’m achieving someting

even though

one

hears my music

cares about it

and like i guess thats on me right

i dont share it

i hide it

as if like what

am i waiting for the people closest to me to express an interest in it?

maybe that would be nice but

thats not it

its like

i dont wan t to show it, if its not good

show

present

put out there

slkhg;aslkgj

like where am i reletive to everyhting or something?

who am i and what am i supposed to be doing

because like

is it fair to say that when the going gets tough

what was i saying

has it been c

ok so i have been writing for so long with the screen off but it hasn’t been being typed

fuck this stupid shit anyway

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