#i don't want those.... or do i? do i feel sick thinking about hrt because i secretly really do want to try it?

[asordidbarwere]

gggggggg

#i spent so long being wilfully misunderstood about my gender that im just terrified to come out to anyone now #i see so much ''there's no wrong way to be trans'' on here and still feel like im not enough #unless i go for t or surgery #i don't want those.... or do i? do i feel sick thinking about hrt because i secretly really do want to try it? #also having an indescribable gender i think means you can't really advertise who you're available to #how am i supposed to be on the market? lesbians shouldn't want me cause I'm not a woman - straight girls won't bc im afab.... #im positively terrified of pregnancy so that rules out cis men and trans women.... #god #i don't feel allowed to date or fuck. ever. lmfao. I'm disgusting #im the one fucking freak who doesn't fall into anyone's categories of ''compatible'' #just watch I'll find some cute girl and she ''won't swing that way''. WHAT WAY??? hahaaaaaaa #I'm screwed forever #also I'm 30 which basically means I'm gross and off limits lol #SO glad i spent my entire youth in a depressing miserable relationship and now that I'm able to live #I'm at an age where it's just embarrassing.

[mueritos]

Hello there! If you feel comfortable answering, do you think you feel more or less preoccupied with your gender since transitioning? I don't have much internal sense of gender. I know how I want my body to be and how I like being referred to, and those aligns more with men than not. I'm sick of worrying about how people perceive my gender, and I don't know if transitioning might help or make that worse. What was your experience, if you're comfortable sharing it?

good question! I would say less considering I no longer feel so conflicted and in turmoil about my gender, as in I dont feel dysphoric about my body but there may be some times I do feel it socially if people misgender me (though that hasnt happened since I was living in Spain). I would agree with you in which I also dont have much of an internal sense of gender, especially now, but I did also have an overall idea of how I wanted to look like or bee perceived as. I dont necessarily feel like a manhood; my connection to manhood overlaps with my connection to being Mexican and gay, and I dont intend to "feel" like a man or have a dominant idea of malehood because Ill never fit into it because it's so white, but also because I find my own notions of it to be more meaningful and interesting. Ive found that transitioning helped calm the turmoil though, when I REALLY wanted to conform to white standards of malehood, and medically transitioning forced me to confront this. There is often two paths u take once u start HRT (because starting HRT can actually be one of the most dysphoric experiences in the world); you can either take ur transitioning with grace and show urself kindness and create your own sense of self with each version of you that changes, or you can let the hyper awareness and dysphoria rule your life in a way that makes you hate yourself and others and makes you conform. Both can be meaningful for the people who take each path (obviously one sounds nicer than the other), but it's important to understand HRT and transitioning WILL make you more aware of your self, your body, and how youre being perceived; it's up to you, though, how you respond to that discomfort. From experience, I can say that treating yourself with kindness and welcoming each and every new version of yourself as you transition is a lot more meaningful that creating an identity out of self hatred.

hope that helped!

#muertoresponds

[ancient-reverie]

people don't seem to grasp how much stress I'm under so here's a list so I can show it to them:

Cat that has asthma needs a pill every other day. occasionally needs an inhaler at night.

Cat that has kidney disease and had a seizure Friday night.

rabbit with permanent head tilt and balance issues with an eye issue prone to uti's that takes daily medication

rabbit that suddenly started having stomach problems tonight out of the blue. rare but happens and then i have to syringe feed her every four hours until she's eating on her own again

I'm the only one on top of flea meds and vet check ups for the entire house ( 6 cats, 2 dogs, 2 rabbits)

I need to double check my dentist appointment is on the 10th and if not schedule one (I am bad at this, talking to people is hard and I have anxiety attacks on the phone. the only way to really know is via phone call)

made an appointment for an hrt related checkup which is easy but I now have to decide if I want to tell them if I wanna continue hrt or go off it (the reasons are unrelated to my gender identity)

waiting for said Dr from said gender clinic to approve refill on said hrt because I'm out. because they charged me full price but only gave me half of my refill last time.

need to move furniture in my room and clean before it makes me and the kids sick. there's rabbit pee soaked into the floor under a cat tree and under a cabinet and I just haven't been able to clean it.

also need to rearrange to give my rabbits areas more conducive to their and my existence

and to make space so my cats feel more included

feeling guilt that my oldest cat with kidney disease is dying and I haven't spent time with her like I want to because of my two other cats and her not getting along. but she's dying so what do I do

she dying what do I do? I don't want her to die in a vet office. I want her to be able to be asleep on a bed in the house and I don't know how to do that vets don't make house calls anymore

nicotine addiction

gotta give all my kids the love and affection they deserve bc any of them could get into something or have a sudden health problem and die at any moment

no one to talk to about it

have to clean my room. have to take dishes down before they grow mold. some of them I'm sure already are. this is a common occurrence.

need to do laundry. have no more clean sheets.

think the cat peed on the foot of the bed. haven't been able to really check. just keep ignoring it. it's not by my face and the cat still lays in that corner. (cat box in room makes me nose blind to cat pee a lot of the time and)

cats pee in random places of room and on their scratchers. regularly smelling cat pee in specific spots around room. sometimes it is just a hallucination.

no one can stand to listen to me list everything I have going on.

closet needs to be cleaned and sorted. things to give away and go into storage need to be hauled downstairs. (i am weak and physically not good but no one is able to help)

fish tank got a water change recently but I fear it won't last longer than a week and I'll need to take everything out and deep clean which takes me 4 ish hours bc I'm slow and it hurts

trying to find meaning and purpose in life. is art the career path I want or just a hobby? should I be writing? should I be making friends?

can't leave the house without having anxiety attacks.

not seen as myself by those around me (family) just as a conglomerate of actions. not seen for my actions and struggles by the people around me (family)

intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts intru-

oh I was loading a bowl- *distracted for 15 mins* oh right I was loading a bowl- *distracted for 15 mins* fuck I'm loading a bowl *loads bowl* *distracted for 15 mins* *takes hit* *distracted for 15* *takes a hit* *distracted for 15* ADHD having ass

dissociation derealization depersonalization dissociate derealize depersonalize dddddddddddddd error

someone inside my head actually screaming and tearing at their skin with their claws

someone inside my head deciding to verbally and emotionally and physically abuse someone else in the system

someone doing drugs in the mindspace and all the issues that come with it

someone having flashbacks after being triggered

friends aren't going to text me. I keep my phone on silent. it's been silent since the beginning of the year. it's currently april. I'm used to it being silent now. it hasn't caused me to miss anything.

I have no one to talk to and therapy isn't what I crave. therapy is a fake version of what I need. I need someone to want to listen to me without being paid to do so

who has time to eat in this action economy

want to finish my games. want to finish bg3 before everyone else. before it gets spoiled. want to finish stray. want to finish doom. want to start doom eternal

want to be into vrchat more and work on my anxiety

want to finish at least the two books on my desk

who has the energy to shower and brush their teeth everyday? not this bag of bastards.

want to trim my hair. want my friends to see my long hair though

need to finish two paintings for two besties. one I don't know if I wanna continue it or start over (again for the fifth time). and one I haven't even decided on the pose for but tried to start.

one of the alters needs glasses but as you can see we are better off being in denial until we really genuinely need glasses because there's more pressing issues

relationships with family members is all we have but it is bad and idk if the family members have any idea. I think they think it's fine and have no idea that I really don't get along with them and living with them is killing me but I can't move out

gotta hide the self harm ! which is second nature to me but still a stressor

I'm not gonna buy cigarettes I have a tank mod and a small vape with replaceable pods. I'm not gonna buy cigarettes I have a tank mod and a small vape with replaceable pods. I'm not gonna buy cigarettes I have a tank mod and a small vape with replaceable pods. I'm not gonna buy cigarettes I have a tank mod and a small vape with replaceable pods.

I need a new ps4 controller so I can use my expensive console taking up room on my desk and all the games I paid for and spent hours downloading

I just wanna buy new sex toys but I don't need them and we just laid off all the credit cards and I don't have money to blow on needed things. I donated to a lot of people this year instead

it's getting hotter and I'm going to have to run my AC constantly soon but it has black mold growing in it. and you don't have to be allergic for that to be an issue but I do happen to be allergic and one of my cats has asthma. and idk how to clean take it apart, let alone do it by myself but it looks like that's gonna be what happens.

trash and recycling needs to be taken out before I go back to throwing everything on the floor like I was doing for a little bit bc it's all too much

need to pick up the mess siruss made from tearing up semi important lists we need in a fit of stress and being overwhelmed

remember to put the night guard in before laying down so you don't crush your teeth in your sleep and have to get a 3rd (4th?) crown where your molars are supposed to be

can't even be addicted to weed in so goddamn stresses but watch out! forgetting to smoke is forgetting meds and the IBS, acid reflux, ADHD, chronic full body pain, chronic specific body pain, depression, anxiety, existentialism and fatigue will getcha!

just picked up meds from vet. god it's expensive. but that's off the list now........ until it's back on the list again.

don't ask for help. they are busy, you're literally watching them be busy or have downtime to relax after being busy. oh you got the courage to ask anyway? ah they're not interested. ah yes it's too dirty/hard/inconvenient/simple and maybe you should just do it.

and now feel the many emotions associated with asking for help and being told no again. become unable to do thing you needed help with at all. or can't do it without help at all to begin with so fuck me I guess.

do whatever it is they ask you to do. even if you just asked for help and they said no, if they need you to do something you go do it and if you don't you are a bad person and will be made out as selfish and lazy and forced to feel guilt.

that dragon adoptable game luckily only needs to be kept up with every three days. unless there's an event and then at least casual grinding and dailies must be kept up with.

pokemon sleep is an addiction and I want to quit it but I'm struggling and don't know what to do bc if I have raikou I want the other two but I could literally quit right now and it wouldn't matter and I'd be a little more free please help

my oldest cat needs to be brushed more bc she can't groom herself as well nowadays and my brother can't stand having hair on him. he'll pet her and wipe is hand off and not really scratch her and I hate it so much. she has small mats here and there and I feel like a shitty parent

my rabbits need to be brushed constantly until all their mats are out from winter coat that just hasn't come out completely yet. the head tilt rabbit can't even reach most of his body to clean it.

I also have to clean their butts for the same reason

one of my cats keeps leaving small poops OUTSIDE of the litter box

my oldest with the kidney issues and my middle child cat both throw up a once or twice a week and I don't know why. the oldest has always been that way. my middle child has nothing else up with him thank fuck but this and eye gunk

I have to remember to drink water or tea or liquids more than just a few sips a day. I HAVE. TO. or I'll get a UTI. and bc I dissociate from my body sensations I won't notice the UTI until it starts hurting my kidneys and then it's crunch time to get antibiotics before I end up in the hospital which is a valid fear bc it has happened before and it almost happened a second time

can't physically do what I need without feeling sick. probably bc I can't take care of myself. which is probably bc I can't do anything without feeling ill. which is probably bc I don't take care of myself. which is probably bc i-

I'm so overwhelmed that I don't do anything I need to and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds

and I'm so overwhelmed that I start new projects and come up with new and more things to do and look for the old things I never did and never finished as well

and I'm so overwhelmed that I want to write again because nothing is in my control because there's no such thing as control because nothing matters and it's chaos and that's beautiful and I love life but I don't know what to do when I just want to pause everything but I can't pause everything and taking a break doesn't make me feel better it just lets everything build and makes me feel more on edge

dissociating isn't taking a break

and I wonder if being on Lexapro again would help but I know it wouldnt last

and I wonder if I should trip on shrooms bc it's been nearly an entire year. but I have such a limited amount and I need them for when I need them (I don't know when that is but I'll know when it happens) and the friend I got them from hasn't spoken to me in months

my go-to anxious intrusive thought is that he's dead. unfortunately that thought... well it's not as delusional as I'd like it to be. we dated for a little over a year, and then some more on and off and we even had sex this year. he is the only friend I have that lives close to me. (close is an hour and a half away)

my bestie who lives in the same state is 3 hours away. she's in school. she also has mental health struggles. she's not good at texting and she says this herself often.

I have other friends that live in the state but... I haven't spoken to them in years and I didnt ever let them in fully, and I'm afraid (I don't know what I'm afraid of)

my other besties live out of state. one is in Cali. the other is in North Carolina. I am in Texas.

the one in Cali I met online and have only met in person once. she's engaged. idk when the wedding is but im going, I'm invited of course. she's busy with work and mental health also. she used to have alters that we talked to. Sy was married to one of them

siruss dealing with pain of past relationships and trauma and everything

the NC bestie also used to have alters. siruss used to date bestie though. she's busy with work and mental health. and though we've never talked about it I feel like there's something off between us that neither of us want to touch. or maybe it's just me.

or maybe it's siruss wanting to let go and not being able to

and maybe we need to meet new friends who will see us and give us something new to think about and someone we can share stories with who won't agonize over hearing old names.

idk how to make friends anymore Im so tired and I distrust people

I'm so tired we fall asleep with the vibrator and don't even get to jerk off which trust me is not great. the nighttime endorphins dose is quite necessary to function the next day. TMI we're not a morning masturbator bc the pussy ends up wet all day and it's not sexy when there's no one to appreciate it and you're horrified about getting a UTI

I miss my chickens...

I want new tattoos before I die of stress and my body is thrown in the ground more bare than it should be.

I want to gain weight so I feel and look healthier and maybe it'll help me not feel sick and weak and in as much pain

but the kids are dying as the seconds pass and the dust is building on the shelves and the dishes are piling up and the trash is starting to smell sour and the recycling is overflowing and my desk is too cluttered to set anything down and I need to love them more and be around them more and I need to stop watching YouTube and I need to start drawing and I need to travel and I need to live life but everything costs money and nothing lasts and I'm too much for everyone that I've met but I will still love them with all my heart and I don't think it's their fault they are only humans and I'm an unspeakable amount of divine/demonic/cosmic/paranormal entities with their own traumas and lives and backgrounds and intricate details eating up my insides- do you know how long it takes to get to know one person? the answer is you never know one person- imagine that but for 6 people all vying and deserving of being known and seen

and there's genocides and wars all over the planet. and there's deforestation and poachers. and there's puppy mills and inbreeding. and there's capitalism and heteronormativity. and I can't stop thinking about Nex Benedict and Aaron Bushnell. I can't stop thinking about the BLM protests. and I can't stop thinking about the Hong Kong protests. and I can't stop thinking about China. and human trafficking. and polution. and how the news and media that most people see don't say anything important and fear monger and emotionally manipulate for views and clicks. and nothing is real and no one tells the truth and even if it is the truth no one knows for certain. you never know what really happened unless you see it with your own eyes.

and it's all a stupid game we could all decide to stop playing and simply give people food and shelter and wifi and safety and medical attention. money doesn't have to exist we can just do things for each other but everyone forgot what reality was. which is about being outside and talking with people you love.

and I'm not suicidal anymore, although I do wish to lay at the foot of a tree until it grows around and envelops me. turning my being into immortality itself and sending my consciousness into the fabric of roots pulsing across terra until im one with the gods

#hell o void #hell o hadal #hell o popsicle #hell o pyro #this post #.nola

[calronhunt]

can you tell us random facts about alaric or wilbur? also whose max and kennedy because on wilbur's profile it says he's in a polycule w those 2 can we get a bit about them? if thats not too much

sure can!

Alaric - They live in a grounded mobile home that Brendon helped them buy and set up. All of their work operates out of that house and it's in the middle of the woods right next to where the fallen streets (which are basically illegal demon black markets) set up each week.

- Always wears a mask when out in public. they don't like being asked about their teeth so they would rather just not people see it. And they look sick enough on most days for people to just think they're ill

- Spends a lot of money on plants to make their potions, wifi, and cigarettes

- Makes HRT out of demon parts for a lot of the trans people in the fallen streets who often don't wanna go to the doctor's due to them doing crimes a lot.

- They can't drive lol

Wilbur - He was a business major in college where he met Yuri. He actually graduated with it tho he's not sure if he'd ever use it.

- Picked up smoking (both weed and cigarettes) after the death of his parent. Would much rather do stupid shit and party than think about his own problems ever.

- Has a big crush on Yuri which started in college. They did date for like a week and at the end Yuri was very sure that he wasn't into men. Wilbur accepts that Yuri's not interested but the feelings are still there.

- He's trying so goddamn hard to grow facial hair cause he wants a mustache but it's just not gonna happen

---

and Kennedy and max are pretty new characters that i'm honestly still trying to figure out myself! I don't quite know how they fit into the plot just yet but i know they will get there!

(Some quick concept art of them)

They're both bounty hunters who work in the fallen streets (bounty hunters just being people who track down and kill demons for parts or just because someone has a grudge). Alaric hires them a lot for ingredients so that's how them and Wilbur met. They just kinda hit it off and one thing led to another ya know! They aren't exactly "dating" they're all just kinda friends who help each other out sometimes!

#ask #hyenafiend #modifiedverse

[transmedicalism-saves-lives]

Why did you choose to go down the medical route instead of getting therapy for your discomfort with your body, which afai understand, we both agree is out of the normal / a pathological condition? Why not address the root issues you have with your born sex instead of jumping to plastic surgery? Doctors don't tell anorexics that if they feel more comfortable starving, that's valid but the medical industry profits off of transsexuals undergoing insanely pricey sergery that aren't technically lifesaving but they're sneakishly presented as such. If no surgery means a transsexual remains in severe discomfort which leads to suicidal thoughts, then these thoughts and their origins need to be treated as the problem, not a healthy functioning body. Lastly, I'm sincere and if you choose to answer sincerely too, that'd be for me of interest to read.

Okay, hi! Thanks for reaching out. I’m really glad you asked, because the thing is, your question itself shows a common misconception. 

I did go down the therapy route. I went down the therapy route for five years before the first time I injected HRT. That included more therapists than I care to count, some practices that left me crying into my bedsheets, and a lot of hard work that came to nothing. 

Thing is, I liked being a girl. I never wanted this. I miss being treated like a girl, it suited me much better. Not to mention, I’ve had an extreme phobia of needles since I was strapped to a cot and stabbed with them for over two hours when I was five, because all my veins had collapsed due to blood cancer and they couldn’t get the needle in any of them. The prospect of a weekly injection turned my stomach, and surgery? Surgery is terrifying, and it hurts so much. I already knew how much surgery hurts. Transitioning wasn’t something I ever desired. 

But dysphoria is so hard to live with. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through something like this could quite get it. It isn’t about hating how you look exactly. I can look at pre-transition pictures and admit I was pretty. Even back then I was well aware I was pretty. I looked better then than I do now. It was like there were bits of me missing, and that caused serious physical distress. My breasts, they always felt separate from me, like a parasite that was latched onto my chest and would not go away. My voice sounded false, even the way my body hair grew looked wrong, and not in a ‘I should be hairless’ sense.

I was not suicidal, I want to make that perfectly clear. I have never wanted to be dead, but the things I did to try to make my body feel some semblance of normalcy were dangerous. If I did nothing, I couldn’t get through the day. I’d end up leaving class to vomit a few times every day, or else dissociate until suddenly I realized I hadn’t noticed an hour pass and had mentally skipped class. My grades took a nosedive, and the consequences of that were awful. I don’t like talking about them. But, binding worked a little bit. Binding made it easier to get through the day. I used bandages until I got a real binder, which was dangerous enough, but not as dangerous as the time I dissociated in the shower and figured that I could end this right now if I just cut them off with a breadknife. I still have a scar from that. Even binding, the safest option, wasn’t that safe when it went on for years. It also wasn’t enough. Oh, have I mentioned I used to intentionally blow out my voice so that I’d sound less female? That was also a probably not smart thing I did. 

It took between when I was thirteen and when I was eighteen for me to give up on therapy. That’s half a decade of trying it your way, a good percentage of my life. I couldn’t keep doing it forever and more than that, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to spend every moment feeling like things were crawling on me, like my skin was full of parasites. I didn’t want to spend forever unable to properly enjoy sex, or let a partner see me naked without vomiting on her (sorry Rachel, honestly, you were the best friend I could have had at the time and I hope you find every happiness). I want a normal life. I want a house, a wife, as many kids as possible, I was so sick of this thing making it impossible. 

When I first put the needle in, I was scared. I had so many thoughts flooding my mind, like, “This is the wrong choice, you’re ruining your body, you can’t come back from this, nobody will ever love a freak like you, this is dangerous, how could you be so stupid?” But then the changes started, and all those voices were gone. It felt so good. I could sing again without hating it, I felt genuinely comfortable whenever I had a binder on. Transition did in two months more than therapy did in five years. How could I not want that? 

I got top surgery once it was clear that, no, my breasts were not actually healthy anymore. Binding, which kept me from dissociating, getting sick, or god forbid trying DIY top surgery again, had also been impacting my lungs, and ribs. I’d also had bruises there for the past few years. Surgery hurt, but binding forever would have ended up much, much worse, and not binding just wasn’t an option for me. Top surgery was hard. It was painful. But, I can run again without any problems. I don’t wake up with bruises anymore. I’m never going to have to run to the bathroom to cough up my lunch because I felt something move that shouldn’t have been inside me. I feel good now, whole. 

I feel like everything that was keeping me from being alive is gone. I’m free, and while I do intend to have bottom surgery (I want to have sex that isn’t one-sided before I die and urination is horribly uncomfortable) I don’t think I’ve ever felt so normal and relieved. There’s no more pain. It’s over. Therapy wasn’t giving me this. Two years and most of it is fixed, after five years of zero progress. 

I hope this helps you understand my decision. It was the only way out that I could see, and for me, it was what gave me my life back. I might never have died without it, but I wouldn’t have felt alive. It’s what I needed. Thank you for reading all of this, I really appreciate you taking the time to try and understand me. 

#ask