#i don't want extreme 6 pack abs like people get from being dehydrated for movies

[girlscience]

Okay, obviously I have some body image issues. This is very clear to pretty much everyone who knows me. I have had them since I hit about 10 years old I think? That gives me 15 years of disliking the way I look, for one reason or another. I have tried a lot of things throughout that time to change my perception of myself. And currently, I feel like I am stuck in a weird place that I can't figure out how to escape.

I understand that there are studies now showing that dieting and working out don't actually work long term for most people. I know that getting into that mostly causes things like yo-yo dieting and circular weight gain/loss. I know that being fat is being shown to not actually be unhealthy in the ways it has often been shown as and perceived to be. I know that literally all the media everywhere is blasting me with idealized bodies that pretty much do not exist or only exist through extremely unsustainable/unhealthy means.

I have tried for so long to believe in and promote body neutrality or positivity for myself and other people. I constantly refuse to let myself think about what I see in the mirror or in pictures. I tell myself to get exercise for the physical and mental health benefits, not for my physical appearance. I try to view my body for what it can do and not how it looks. I tell myself to live the life I want to live now, rather than waiting to live it till I have the body I imagine living that life. Without exaggeration, I am fairly certain I think about these things every single day.

And none of it is working.

I actually feel I dislike my appearance now more than I did even a year ago. I feel like I am constantly noticing things about my body that I never did before or new changes to my body, and I am deeply uncomfortable with them. And I want to do something about it, and clearly simply changing my mentality isn't doing anything. I want to diet and exercise. But I also know it likely won't be a permanent change. I am concerned that I would give myself an eating disorder. And I'm also concerned that I would be feeding into diet/exercise culture. I am worried about hurting the people around me who are also fat. I am anxious about the fact that I am not actually that large so I don't want to talk about it with other people because I know it will make people who are larger than I am feel terrible. I don't want to make other people who are gaining weight feel bad for that. But, I hate the way I look.

This is not sustainable. At some point something will break and I think it might end up being my brain. I am worried about how that would end up. The things I do for my brain and my body shouldn't be about how it might affect other people, it should be for me. But I don't want to be bad for the things I do. I want and have wanted for so long to look like a powerbuilder/warrior/dwarf/strongman lifter/crossfit athlete/etc. I want to be big. I want to be visibly strong and powerful. And I am absolutely not. And I know I struggle with commitment and discipline and all of that, but I also know I struggle a lot with how this desire appears to other people.

Really, I think what this is all coming down to is other people's opinions. I dislike the way I look and am told that's bad. I want to change the way I look and I'm told that's bad. I do nothing and get told that's bad. I have to want these things for the right reason, in the right way, and have to talk about it right all the time. And I just can't. I don't like the way I look and I wish I looked like a brick shithouse and everyone else can fucking suck it.

#please if you know me irl don't read this and then tell me nice things about the way i look #i appreciate that you want to make me feel better but that's not what i'm looking for with this #i am mostly just trying to work out how i feel and what i want to do about it #and what my exact thoughts are about all of it #for example until writing that out i didn't even realize a big part of the circles i'm running in #are entirely about what other people think or how other people might perceive my actions #i am not telling other people to work out #i am not forcing people to go the gym with me #i actively don't want to make other people feel bad or do anything to disparage the choices they make #about their bodies #i do not want to starve myself #i don't want extreme 6 pack abs like people get from being dehydrated for movies #the things i want aren't unhealthy or unachievable (i don't think anyway) #i don't want them just because society thinks being fat is bad #it has a lot more with wanting to be strong and have muscles and not feel soft #than it does the number on the scale or any stretch marks or what size pants i wear #sure i watch superhero movies and wish i looked like them. but i am also aware i'm not fucking male #and my hip bones won't ever be that shape no matter how much i work out #so i would like to think that as a reasonably intelligent 25 year old i can figure out how i want to look #and not have it entirely be just because society told me to look like that #and that wanting these things doesn't make me some evil brainwashed asshole #i don't know that all of this is making sense anymore or actually making point i am trying to make. i'm tired #anyway. to wrap up. fuck other people. i don't have to listen to shit #and if i want to do push-ups and eat lots of protein and get hugeass biceps you can't stop me #and i'm not evil for not wanting my belly button to look like a circle and not a squished frown