#i did not include it in the post bc of prose flow or w/e but:

[futurefind]

🍾 + what would make you happy? for sasume!!

Send 🍾 + a question for my muse to answer your question while drunk. / Accepting! // @tvrningout

A sound erupts from her throat, clattering back and forth as it spills out. It could almost be called laughter, if she was still the sort of person for that. Instead it rattles out, past the bars of her teeth.

"Used to think it was, you know," she flips her hand around vaguely, as if gesturing to a broad idea and dismissing it as minuscule all at once. "Marriage. Romance."

Another laugh rips out, as hollow as her empty chance. "But it has to be possible in order for it to be able to make me happy, right?"

She could try for it, sure, but to actually get it? If she was really, really lucky, she could get a political-esque marriage where she was just another high-value body to warm the bed of someone who could be a half-decent friend as they found actual love in an affair. More realistically, she'd just wind up a neglected trophy wife who was supposed to speak less than an actual trophy when she wasn't be neglected.

And to be actually realistic? She wouldn't get any romance at all, nevermind anything close to marriage. Maybe she'd get left at the altar.

"Or kids, I guess," she grows somber instead of bitter, face falling. She'd always loved the idea of having kids, being a mother. Knows she could do it herself if needed, but... Children were too important to have just because she wanted to, least of all when their only parent had such a (technically) dangerous job. "But that wouldn't be fair."

No one deserved to have her as a mother, or even just a wife.

And as far as what she deserves...

Her eyes water over again, filling with tears. She finishes off her drink and buries her face in folded arms, struggling to even find the words. To even find the idea.

She doesn't even deserve to live. To ask for anything more than that...? To think of even getting anything more than that...?

Her throat grows hot and she bites on the inside of lips to try and keep from crying.

"I just want to be loved," she blurts out, vision blurring as the tears pour down her face. "I just—"

She chokes on it, on the pipe dream, on the want.

And she cries.

"I want a home."

#tvrningout #prompt responses // #ic // sasume #about // sasume #asks // #asks // sasume #oh :))) haha :))))) #tfw sa avoids SubstancesTM bc she doesnt trust herself and . shes not entirely wrong sdghsdghsghsgh #alcohol // #ask to tag // #either it makes it turbo puppy or turbo teary if not Both so um . #smth smth and the difference btwn Being love and FEELING loved #and smth smth how if she doesnt even think to hope for smth than that means 'less' disappointment ??????????? #lays on the floor abt her. #i did not include it in the post bc of prose flow or w/e but: #a HOME not just a house :'))) somewhere where she has support and love and community and not just knows it but FEELS it yk #somewhere she can return to thats Hers and not just someplace where shes just a guest #(pay no attention to how she has an egregiously impossible time even considering the idea of her NOT un-belonging somewhere) #(nevermind in an as permanent n 'important' role as Home/Family Member yk........ :')) )