#i couldn't pay for the sessions because of course i can't so WHYYYYY AREN'T YOU JUST LETTING ME KILL MYSELF???

[noisy-weasel]

Man how do you explain to your parents that no I don't have a future like stop pitching all these ideas to me because you sound insane. Like I guess they genuinely don't realize how close to death I am. I'd already be gone but there's no knives in the house Sharp enough. Like that's the ONLY reason I am alive. Period. And the fact I'm still here is so fucking stressful because every second I'm still alive is money and energy my family is wasting on me and I fucking hate hate hate it. Honest to god forcing people who are horribly suicidal to continue living is a crime like every year I'm still here increases how awful I feel tenfold and I should be able to buy pills that can kill myself just over the counter and there's just no excuses that I can't

#i know that sounds insane but if you've ever been horribly social you'd know how sure i am of this #it's genuinely a for society to try so hard to keep me here but there's also no resources to make me better #no healthcare no therapists can't even get afucking antidepressant without a therapist #at Least while i was still on my dads insurance my doctor couldn't put me on any #and then he forwarded me too a therapist that ALSO didn't prescribe pills #i couldn't pay for the sessions because of course i can't so WHYYYYY AREN'T YOU JUST LETTING ME KILL MYSELF??? #like do you see how this doesn't make sense???? #personal #suicide tw #srsly tho my parents just trying to pretend I'm not suicidal but i am genuinely going to be dead before 30 that's not a Joke that's #something i know in my heart is true #i was actually all planned and ready to kill myself when my parents went up both in July but my mom got sick and stayed home #it literally ruined everything #ahhhhhggg being alive sucks so much i feel so broken and worthless #someone buy me a knife please please please please #and honestly i think it's gotten to a point where i view getting a job as death #because i know i NEED a job because I'm nothing but a burden but i also know the moment i have money I'm starting a ticking click to my end #new killing myself is simply inevitable so getting a job ill hate (i have no prospects bc college too expensive and barely any experience #which will simply funnel me into a soul crushing American retail job) #so it's just like okay... my paychecks will be going toward a knife or a gun and itll be literally imposible for me to live if i have a #means of dying