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hawthorn-breath · 7 years

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Masters

News came in this week to confirm that I will be matriculating in S. Rajaratnam School of International Studies in July to do an MSc in International Relations (IR). It is a dream come true, a journey that was long, challenging and tedious but rewarding indeed.

The initial desire to go to graduate school comes as profoundly personal - much more than the academic career or socially laden value in paper qualifications. This came to be a very personal journey because of my bitter experiences that trailed back in 2015; realising my sheltered and healthy upbringing was not shared by women and having someone I once held esteem for tell me in my face "women are less important", "you're not a hot chick", "nice ass", "boobs, not bad" and "you look cute when you are rebutting" (though I still hold that my argument in that conversation was far superior and well constructed). That hurt and carved a scar deep onto me. I was also introduced to a world I once only knew in news or academic form -- sex trafficking, prostitution and the unceasing objectification of women and their purpose seemingly as sheer sexual playthings. I remember a night after GBG (a community that reaches out to the street-walkers in Geylang) and got asked, "how were the sexcapades?", a reflection of disrespect towards community efforts for women and absence of support for the marginalised. I thought I knew well that I am more than my appearances defined me to be for I am a human, endowed with moral, creative, relational, purposeful and mental capacities. After-all, I grew up in a Christian home and had Proverbs 31 repeated to me; modesty was preached, vanity was never primary and all these, together with every possible biblical talk on purity and sexuality. Yet, a misplaced sense of identity and a misguided idea of that particular relationship tore me apart. The arduous path back to regaining a self-worth firmly grounded in strength and grace has been undeniably painful. Little by little, I filled my heart with the sweet assurances and kindness from others around who believed in me and what I stood for.

The pursuit of this MSc in IR holds a special place in my heart after attending conferences of UN Women and understanding the global status of women across transnational boundaries and the work they were doing; peacekeeping operations, relief aid, jumpstarting businesses, helping the marginalized, investing in education. Sometimes, I wish men who hold that much power and liberty could be a little more humane. Doesn't great power come with great responsibility? Of course, this world isn't ideal, we live in an almost unprincipled world, especially this year, where the height of misogyny seemed to have held its place in the Trump Administration. The basis of my conviction was feminism in IR and the vital need to tap on feminine qualities to empower communities.

I wrote a significant portion of my personal statement on the vital need for platforms and coordinating bodies possessing potential to provide leadership towards active regional and international cooperation to advance similar objectives. In this case: improving women’s standing in society.

When I first received the call for scholarship interviews, one from RSIS itself and the other, a Terror Analyst Award, it left me really surprised. Juggling thesis, the semester workload and a research assistant position was overwhelming enough. There were so many points where I questioned if I was setting myself up for failure by embarking in this additional endeavour. At the very beginning, I was unsure that I’ll even get a spot in the school. In a bid to increase my chances, I even applied to another course, Strategic Studies, in the same school. I felt exceedingly inadequate -- a good number of places were allocated to international students while a significant portion were mid-career folks from the relevant governmental ministries (I reckon to be mostly military men) and there was me... likely the youngest in the pile and well, just an idealistic female. I went with nothing but conviction and sketchy ideas about Feminist Discourses in IR, Global Civil Society and Singapore’s contemporary challenges in relation to the region and changing landscape of superpowers.

On the morning of my interview, I was high-strung and in a rush, I slammed the door against my feet and my left big toenail came off, injuring my nail-bed real badly. What an act of self-sabotage. The interview was happening in an hour and I had no choice but to go with a profusely bleeding toe and excruciating pain. The 20 min grilling session was tough - having to well position my foot to ensure less discomfort while maintaining all interview etiquette, knowing that every single movement or speech will be irrecoverably assessed. Top that off with the need to articulate things that sounded remotely intelligent and informed to prove that I am deserving of working with the International Centre for Political Violence and Terrorism Research. I left debilitated and hobbled my way to a clinic for anaesthetic jabs for an incision to remove the rest of the toe nail. Two hundred and fifty bucks. I cried. The next day called for yet another interview which I went in flip flops.. and the last bits of strength left in my being. I gave myself an ultimatum. I thought, if it all fails, I’ll just be thankful for the opportunity to have a voice, for allowing me to share my ardent views on the structural empowerment of women, security sector reforms, terrorism in the Middle-East and its implications on women and peacekeeping, which will give me the assurance that the work I want to undertake is sort of recognised. Granting me panel time is a gesture that reveals how our society is open to having conversations of the striving towards equality - in all senses of this word. At the very least, it is an encouragement towards my ideals.

A week later in late March, the offers came in. This time, everything seemed less distant but still not concrete. There was thesis and MOE to approve the suspension of my bond. It was also at this juncture that I planted more of my self-worth into this pursuit; it was an indicator of who I think I am, or could be. I wanted it more badly than ever. But of course, God sends people to remind me: Perish every fond ambition. Every good thing cometh from above. God first. Nothing but the grace of God which is in you. It’s all grace. Pray.

Thesis was trying. It was a lot of independent work which I initially thought I would enjoy but it was difficult because of its length - I felt like I was depending on a frail self and trudging on in all delusion that I’m on track. Thoughts swirled all the time. You don’t have an extensive amount of interviewees responding in time. Everyone else’s ideas seem more refreshing and exciting than yours, people are 4000 words ahead of you, someone already began cutting words, they got to present their papers at some conference last weekend and here you are... 2am on a weekday typing at an unformatted word document, not knowing that your thesis should be in chapters, not in a paper-header format. “Am I using an appropriate theory to anchor my analysis? I didn’t get the greenlight for this framework. I didn’t check with Prof M. whether this is viable.” Still, I consistently gave myself the go-ahead because it was approximately 2 weeks to submission and at that juncture, all I wanted was just a hard-bound thesis, whatever the quality. And well, I paid the price. I got a delay in receiving comments for my final draft I sent to my professor slightly less than a week to my intended date of my submission. I thought she would only give a couple of sentences that would mean minor tweaking but boy, I was terribly wrong. In the wee hours of the morning I was going to send it for printing, she spotted a huge error in my methodology and said that overall, it was of “passable” standard, plus, a radical shift in my argument would be good BUT “I imagine it will be too late for it now”.

Passable. Ha. Maybe the Masters Offer was just a fluke. I am a fraud. Gotta give that spot up, Ling.

Being sent into a state of frenzy, endless whatsapp texts were sent to H up in Durham (thank you for time-zone differences) who did her best to calm my nerves and set me into productive action. G was also useful in her brevity: so, edit. Come on, fight for it. Looking back, it was really the cliché mind-over-matter at play. I did massive overhauling in my wooziness and sent it in. I wasn’t confident at all, just relieved. This thesis has been an incredible journey that revealed to me that I am blessed by many people in life who often go the miles to look out for me and have amazing emotional capacities to say the right things at appropriate times and chide me in all lovingkindness. It was also a bitter time of coming to terms with the fact that I often desire to be coddled. I’m learning, how to be more firmly grounded in the path that I know is already laid out to be good and true and to better stand anchored on my two feet.

The final hurdle was getting the MOE management to approve my bond suspension and there were many criteria and clauses to be fulfilled. It takes a strategic understanding of how things work as well as being persuasive about the application, so a big thank you to those who have gone before me and mentored me throughout this journey with the relevant advice and help rendered :-) Victorious moments are really the sweetest when they are shared.

Reminder: A simple quote (which would be deemed to not bear much literary sophistication haha but it is what it is!)

“It doesn't matter where you come from, what you have or don't have, what you lack, or what you have too much of. But all you need to have is faith in God, an undying passion for what you do and what you choose to do in this life, and a relentless drive and the will to do whatever it takes to be successful in whatever you put your mind to.”

It’s wondrous how things all worked out and the painful moments were just learning opportunities that brought me inches nearer to where I now stand. I’m grateful.

What’s ahead is gonna be steep learning curves and many things to adapt to. So well, here I am, at a brand-new starting point once more, treading the waters and preparing to tide through the next huge wave at graduate school.

Shoutout to Hazie, Caris, Eunice, Esther, Jon, Jess, Jing, SW, Van, Mom and Dad and you-know-who-you-all-are :’) I thank God for each and every one of you.

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