#i am at rock bottom i am a degenerate why am i not more ashamed | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

smigglescultture · 5 days

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(THIS IS SUPER CRAZY LONG BTW SRRY) I was thinking about it a lot last night and here's the thing:

I don't like random acts of violence. Obviously, I have some sort of fixation on mass shootings but typically I don't like people such as TJ Lane or Nikolas Cruz and especially Salvador Ramos. People who kill just for the thrill of it. I do not like them. That's why I do not like serial killers or their cases.

And look, I'm sure if I got into the nitty gritty of each case, I would understand the perpetrators more. In fact, I know by all angles I might look like Im a hardcore AL stan or whatever, but it never started like that. And still isn't. I think he was an incredibly smart, and funny boy who seriously could've become something in his life, but what he did was utterly disgusting and I will never be able to just put that past him, even if I do agree and maybe even look up to some aspects of him. I'm not a nihilist in the belief that everyone deserves to die. And especially not young children.

However, when it comes to Columbine specifically, its almost like every moral inside me is just pushed into the back of my mind. And maybe that's because I relate so deeply to these two assholes, or whatever, but I have to admit that I feel very guilty for the way I think about this case. And it wasnt an instant thing, I knew I felt eaten up with guilt from the second I joined this community.

It started with Zero Day, I made a tik tok account (DONT EVER DO THAT, TRUST) and suddenly I see all these people who at the time I considered freaks, have mass killers as profile pictures. I started to just block all of them, I used to repeat to myself how awful it was, replay in my head what those people did, and how their victims felt. It was like a compulsion to combat the obsession I was falling into which was the fact that, I was sickly interested in the whole thing. I dont even remember what kick started it, when I became what I considered a "degenerate", but, oh, did it happen.

I would be angry, furious, sick and disgusted with myself for even thinking of D&E. But the more you start to worry about the intrusive thoughts inside your head, the more they come. So the more swallowed up by guilt I felt. The more shame I was consumed by. I thought I had hit a rock fucking bottom. I remember the first time I ever saw that library picture of E&D, and I had never felt such shock and surprise in my life. I was so shocked at what I saw, I briefly mentioned (AND SHOWED?? DONT DO THIS BTW IM DUMB) it to my friends...and my parents. Who all just brushed it off, "yeah, theirs some sickos in the world". Which was easy for them to say, they weren't the ones becoming "sick".

All of that to say that, that picture was the nail on the coffin. The way I look at it now it was like I was on a rope desperately trying not to fall into the water, the community, but my arms couldn't take it anymore and I gave in. Slowly but surely those thoughts about E&D weren't painful and shocking to me anymore, I read Dylans journal and that was really a point of no return. I felt seen, the more I read it, the more time that has went on, it's like reading pages of my own life. I remember writing in my own journal that, even still I was ashamed for reading it, to relating to it.

I mean obviously, this fixation consumed me. I tried to put it into anything I could. Dinner table politics? Boom, mass shooting. My speech and debate script? Boom, mass shootings. My essay for school? Mass shooting. Art work for school? Mass shootings. And none of this has gone away or even flickered, and most times I'm completely okay with that.

But I am sometimes still constantly shameful. I think to myself, "if there ever is a mass shooting, you will sacrifice yourself first to repent for your little obsession" Even though I've lived in America all of my life, I have now become so obsessed about thinking where a shooter could be, especially at school. Not paying attention? Im probably thinking of a way to escape a shooting. Not just casually either, like, vivid imagery type shit. The worst part is that me and my brother go to the same school. I still feel guilty about my "fixation" with guns and mass shootings. I fear that as punishment for this, he would be the one to die in a shooting, not me. And he's my world, he's my best friend, he's the one who told me to stay away from here, and he's the one who still loves me anyway.

That's why I stray away from info posts about the Columbine victims. You'd think maybe it would be some compulsion to make up for my constant thinking of the killers, to learn about the killed, but no. It makes me feel even worse. I do care about those kids. I think it was a tragedy. Nobody should've died, they were all victim's to life and America and God himself maybe.

But what breaks my heart the most, the thing I will never get out of my head, is that one of the boys who died that day, shares a name with my brother. The first time I ever learned that, (which I do hold strong opinions about why certain victims get more "fame" and why that pisses me the hell off, but different post) I could've just fucking puked. I don't want to outright say his name because god forbid my brother ever stumble onto tumblr, but the reason why they killed him, the awful things they said, it makes me so angry. That poor fucking kid, he didn't do anything, nothing, not even indirectly. It makes you forget the empathy you held for E&D cause why would they have said those things or done that. They knew damn well he would've never, ever, not once, been someone who caused them pain. But this isn't a deep dive into why they did this shit.

All of this to say, I really hope you don't see me as just another edgelord, alpha male (yeah right, sure that was going through all your heads) "kill em all" kind of dude. Yeah, I don't care for humanity. Yeah, I am obsessed with gun violence. And no, I don't focus much on victims online. I relate too much to two goons who thought that everyone was against them. That's why I repost so much about them, cause I see them in me more than anything else. I do not "like" random acts of violence, I just like the comfort of knowing I'm not so out of my mind.

#wow sorry for the book I just released #i really appreciate it if you read all that #someone sedate smiggles

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