#i also want to add that plurality and identity crises go hand in hand we have changed our collective name and pronouns so many times

[moorwood]

Hi, I'm not sure how to word this in a way that doesn't sound a little rude so I'll just say up front that I'm trying to compare my experiences and figure stuff out. What does having alters and switching front feel like? How can you tell the difference between a switch and just a dissociation-moodswing-identity meltdown triple swing from your brain being a dick to you?

Okay, so. First and foremost I want to say that I’m sorry if this isn’t the answer you’re looking for, I’ve been there. I know just how frustrating it can be. But I will try to describe this the best I can.

Our system tends to go through cycles of activity. There can be days and weeks at a time where no one is fronting, and it sucks. Our communication isn’t the best either. Most of our time is spent blurry, as it’s usually referred to, where there’s still a detachment to the self and body but no clear identity in control. Some systems can summon a headmate to front, others can’t. We can if said headmate has specific (positive) fronting triggers, but most of the time it is a seemingly random process.

Because of this, having alters/headmates for us can feel like nothing and it can feel like everything. Sometimes you feel completely alone, but you’re aware that there’s something else there. Like something is watching you from the shadows, from behind the bushes. Some headmates have stronger presences than others, but their existence is just… a gut feeling.

Other times you feel like you’re in a room full of people with no way out. We don’t get multiple alters fronting at once most of the time, but when we do, it can feel crowded and overwhelming depending on how many. We’re usually aware that these things are happening entirely inside our head but depending on who it is or how deeply dissociated you are, what’s “inner” or “outer” world can be confusing.

For example, part of our innerworld is an OTGW-esque autumnal forest and we’ve gotten pretty familiar with how it looks and feels since we first discovered it. Someone from the forest fronted for the first time today and what our body was doing and seeing was completely foreign to them. Even if we know something as a whole, it’s not guaranteed that every alter will have the same knowledge and they may need to relearn things. When this happens, it feels like they’re aware of the knowledge, but actually being able to collect and process it is impossible. It’s just out of sight, hidden behind a metaphorical (or physical) door.

But! Not everyone is like that. Some headmates front for the first time and immediately know what’s going on. I’m not sure how to describe fronting since that too varies but if someone else is still conscious for it, it can feel like a body possession. We like people describing it as someone else taking over driving a car and you ending up in the passenger seat. Sometimes you still have your own stream of thought, sometimes you hear someone elses. Sometimes it gets blended.

Fronting can be an immediate switch-over, but it can also take hours. Headaches and confusion are common. Same goes for splitting/a new headmate forming, but that can take days. For a while it can feel like the metaphorical door, where their presence is noticeable but their identity is unclear or locked away. Most of our headmates are fictives (present as/identity with a fictional character) so sometimes you can have a Vibe or be presented with certain thoughts/mannerisms and clock them.

I guess it can be hard to distinguish things from other causes, but my advice is to take note of unusual thoughts, mannerisms, memories, feelings, etc. Not every headmate is going to be completely different from one another, but if something feels Different, look into it. Taking notes did us a lot of good when we were first figuring out our situation. Some things will be more obvious than others, do whatever feels right.

There’s a lot more we could say but we’ve rambled enough in this response. If you have alters, they will change and grow with you. The way things function inside your head may change too. Remember that. You’re not faking if something doesn’t line up the way it used to.

Not every part of being plural needs to be dramatic and profound. It can be as simple as hearing comments from someone who isnt you or just… not feeling alone inside your head. It can feel like your imagination, and that can cause a lot of doubt, but trust in yourself. Plurality can be determined by so many different things and there’s no right way to be multiple.

#ask box #my rambles #system shit #sorry if this is a bit of a mess it was written in sections by like three different people lol #feel free to dm or send more asks if you need anything else #i also want to add that plurality and identity crises go hand in hand we have changed our collective name and pronouns so many times #just this year