#huhuhu i cant handle this anymore | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lucymarion · 6 months

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apparently it never stopped

i'm still in love with him. akala ko i have already made peace with it turns out hindi pa pala my god

i dont feel so good right now oh my god or maybe anxiety kasi may pasok nanaman next week wjjjjdwkjdwjd I CANT DO THIS BROOO i thought i left this nung g11 pa huhuhu

starting a new diet regime this week fuck and all i can ever think about is how much i want to do this to be good enough for him . i want to look like a girl that he would follow on ig kahit hindi ko siya ifollow back. i want to look like a girl on tiktok na mapapabalik siya sa pagsoscroll because im so pretty. i want to do it for him i want him to like me too i want him so much it hurts and it hurts and it hurts it just hurts

been thinking kanina pa na sobrang possible na magkajowa na siya next week or even tomorrow and isosoft launch niya yun sa ig and i would just be filled with sick jealousy and i will never want to meet the woman he loves because i might just .. i will be crushed and destroyed

why is it him man bakit siya seryoso BAKIT siya pa

my heart feels so heavy i fucking love him so much it sucks so bad na i still feel like this kahit na he already made it clear na he cant offer me anything besides friendship

i might actually turn back to god because i cant handle this now. im not strong enough anymore and i really really dont want to ruin our friendship now. i really dont want to go through this again.

lord please help me /srs

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dilayr · 4 years

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2019

January to March

On these months, I've got frustrated, because of my first job as Enviro Officer. The more I depressed, the more medicine I used everyday to lighten my horrible life as enviro officer then :') at this time, my workplace shape me to be strong enough for getting insult every week at weekly meeting, getting tanned because of everyday's monitoring on field and.. getting sick by non stop working day since I was office worker before :)

But, with my determination, passion, and never ending positive thinking I succesfully passed this phase and start to know what exactly my jobdesc is. Alhamdulillah.

April to July

Im getting used to be Enviro Officer. My workplace become more convenient for me. It started to be my second home after all of ups and downs. And I started to be happy with my job back then, alhamdulillah.

And then.. I went to "bukber" and "lebaran" with some of my besties in Perawang. Guess what? I was really happy then, because I'm making peace with my past. I can see him 100% as my bestfriend and my lesson. I don't see him as my past that haunted me anymore :'') it feels like, look.. we can still be longtime friend who's seeing each other once in a year :)

Through this months there are more ups than down that happened to me :') until 29th July.. My first boss in project left and everything on my workplace has changed since then.

August to October

My partner in crime, the one who's always listen to the talkative version of me got a promotion as my new boss.

ANE, cerita-cerita bodoh kita di ruangan ketika bos gak ada soal pak bos pindah dan kita yang jadi penggantinya kejadian dalam 1 malam! Feels like a dream but it happened XD

On August 17th, another "cerita-cerita bodoh di ruangan ketika bos gak ada" happened and surprised me a lot :')

After my first independence day ceremonial on Pekdum 1, I signed something that relieve my stress a little bit after my first boss leave us.

After she got promotion as my boss, Ane and I didn't get enough sleep, stress, and get more pressure for a month :')

With our big heart, passionate, and never ending efforts, we tried our best to replace our past boss. And.. after a month, once again, Alhamdulillah we passed all of those inhibitors, challenges and cursed from the external parties who really wanted to make us down. And finally, we can handle it and make the situation better than before :')

In September, we decided our new coworker from project and HQ helped us by put in our new coworker. Alhamdulillah, it helped us a lot to handle our work since then :)

At the begining of september, someone from my workplace told me something that changed the next 3 months of my life XD

I will call him "A" (alias)

"A" said that someone will come to my life as my destiny soon

I cant help but I laughed out loud after heard the ridiculous argument. After that argument, "A" always told me the same thing when we met. I ignored that ridiculous argument and live my life without getting distracted by other people XD

And voilaaaaa.. "A" didn't wrong enough about someone will come, it did.. but not only one hahaha

3 people came to my life and distracted my day since then XD

The elder said that before you're going 25, you need to change and open your heart for another soul.

And voilaaa.. I tried to open my heart, my eyes, and my mind for these people. But, between 3 of them I put my expectation to one of them :')

Ah, my distraction in October continued to the next month :')

November to December

The distraction continued day by day in November. Ah, I lost my mind and my logic. I need someone to give me advice at the time. Although there is no "yes" from this people for the future, I lost my mind because of putting an expectation for this people :')

One day, we talked about destiny and future. But, I was full and annoyed by this people statement wkwkwk

Because of getting annoyed by this people, I breathed out my exasperation on twitter wkwkwk and then, one of my follower was giving me strong argument about how to get rid this people from my day :')

In the end of december, slowly but sure, I netralized my head, soul and mind by going on day off from work for 8 days. It help me a lot to get rid my feeling, duh :)

And todaaay is the last day of my day off from work for this period. Ah, I need more holiday huhuhu

At last in this 2019, I need to note this argument haha because of my attention to detail and my observation to people around me, I can say that I'm the one who put Ane with her new boyfriend up! \^^/

Sincerely,

Dila's mind wandering on 2/366

#deardiary #starting2020 #flashback2019

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shazrystyles · 7 years

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92 Questions (Tagged)

tagged by: @andromeda117 @zigisbisexual @jessicamckenzie

THE LAST:

1. Drink: Grass jelly wateeeerr...slllrpp 2. Phone call: My mom 3. Text message: From my family group chat 4. Song you listened to: Born by OneRepublic 5. Time you cried: When I found out that Jeff was dead in 13 Reasons Why. RIP Jeff Atkins! You deserved better! *sob sob*

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: Yes..not just twice, but many times. and rn we’re not together anymore..boo hoo hoo..serves me right!

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Yes 8. Been cheated on: Yep. 9. Lost someone special: mmm...yeah. 10. Been depressed: Yes.. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Never.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Black 13. Soft pink 14. Blue Black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Yes. I got listed in a room with the roommates who I never talked to..and they turn out to be the greatest people in the world.XD 16. Fallen out of love: mmm..yep! 17. Laughed until you cried: Yes. Me and my roomies making fun of the guys at my school. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Really? I don’t think I’m popular in school so I think NO! But, if there was someone who talked about me, I hope its about something good. 19. Met someone who changed you: Yes. My roomies. They turned me into a K-drama fans.. but rn I’ve changed. I literally had enough with K-drama. 20. Found out who your friends are: Mmm..I still haven’t figured this out yet. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nope!

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Most of them. 23. Do you have any pets: Nope. My mom hates pet. But I’d love to have a cat. Maybe when I have my own place to live. 24. Do you want to change your name: Hell, no! I love my name cuz its short and simple.. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: My mom treat me to Nandos..mmm...I wish I can eat it again. 26. What time did you wake up: Usually around 6 am. But if I’m so tired, maybe about 9 to 10 am. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Chatting with people in the fandom and finishing my drawings. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: DUNKIRK to be released in my country! (Mainly because Harry Styles in it XD) 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Just a few minutes ago.. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish I’m fucking rich so that I can buy many diamonds supplies in Choices! 31. What are you listening right now: I’m listening to the sound of the wind~(from my fan). 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Wait...who’s Tom? 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: My siblings. 34. Most visited Website: Of course, Tumblr! I kinda get addicted to it recently. 35. Mole/s: Its in a hidden spot..Not gonna tell you. huhuhu 36. Mark/s: Yes. Scars on my legs cuz I always injured when I was small. 37. Childhood dream: I wish I could be a Manga-ka. but...I’m pursuing on a different path rn for my parents’ sake. 38. Hair color: Mainly black. Never dyed it before. 39. Long or short hair: Long straight hair. 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Ow, Yes! For the time being, mainly its just a celebrity crush. 41. What do you like about yourself: Err..mmmm.. hmmm!!! I dunno. Huhu. 42. Piercings: Nope! Never! 43. Blood type: B 44. Nickname: Shaza (that’s my real name), Shaz, Shazy, Caja, Charger..??(Ok this one from my childhood friends. I dunno how they came up with the name Charger)

45. Status: I’m single and I know it. 46. Zodiac: Aquarius 47. Pronouns: She/Her 48. Favorite TV Show/s: 13 Reasons Why, Stranger Things, Littlest Big Shots. 49. Tattoos: No and never gonna do it. The only tattoo I’d did on my body is Henna tattoos cuz its not permanent, so I wont hve any regrets if I hate it. 50. Right or left hand: Right hand. 51. Surgery: Nope and I wish never..huhu. 52. Hair dyed in different color: No. My mom would get mad at me. 53. Sport: Softball. But there’s none in my recent school. so maybe sleep as a sport. 55. Vacation: I’d love to go to Paris, London, New York, KOREA, Phillippines, and etc. But unfortunately, I’m broke. 56. Pair of trainers: Yes..stuck in my shoerack. getting all dusty lol.

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: Just ate some Chicken Nuggetssss... 58. Drinking: Haven’t drink anything yet. 59. I’m about to: take a bath but I’m so lazy rn. 61. Waiting for: school cuz I cant wait to see new faces (hopefully some hot guys). 62. Want: To stay in bed all day long without anyone disturbing me. 63. Get married: Yes..I’d love to see how my babies looks like. lololol 64. Career: Not yet. Still a student. Maybe I’m gonna be a pharmacist. But who knows what the future holds. 65. Hugs or kisses: Both. 66. Lips or eyes: Both. Depends on which one is the most nice to look at..hehe 67. Shorter or taller: Of course, taller! 68. Older or younger: Older. Cuz I need someone who’s matured enough who can handle my unmaturedness.. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: BOTH! XD Do you really have to ask? 71. Sensitive or loud: Loud maybe..I’m not sure about this. 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship is better. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant.

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: Nope! 75. Drank hard liquor: Never! 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Nope. I don’t wear glasses or lenses. 77. Turned someone down: Yes. Just a few days ago. 78. Sex in the first date: Nah to the ah to the no no no! 79. Broken someone’s heart: Yes. 80. Had your heart broken: Ow YES! Many times. 81. Been arrested: Nope and I hope not in the future. 82. Cried when someone died: Yes, if that person is very close to me. 83. Fallen for a friend: Nopezzz...

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. 85. Miracles: Yes! 86. Love at first sight: Maybe no. 87. Santa Claus: No 88. Kiss on the first date: Nope. I dunno...I don’t date much. 89. Angels: Yes.

OTHER:

90. Current best friend’s name: Thesaaa!!! @andromeda117 , and Aini. 91. Eyecolor: Brownish black. lol. 92. Favorite movie: Fifty Shades...UHUK UHUK..of Grey..UHUK UHUK..and Darker..UHUK UHUK.. EHEM! Ok, whats the question again? XD

Phew...what a long questions it is!

So now ur guys turn!

@marsydrowninginfandoms @quinn-kelly @jakemckenzieappreciationlife @everythingchoices @peepeetah @mermaidwarriorqueen

#My Lovely Threads

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mikaeltwist-blog · 5 years

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One last goodbye.

To my lola, thank you for raising me. i may be a bad apo sometimes, that doesn’t mean that i didn’t love you. i love you so much, lola.

To my family, i love you so much. di ko man laging sinasabi, i showed that to you by teasing you all.

To our relatives who helped in all ways possible, thank you so much. we are so blessed to have all of you.

to fucking taylor swift, u inspired me in so many ways i cant enumerate them all. before when im having this kind of suicide thoughts, its u and ur music that comes to my mind first… ur new songs that makes me anticipate so i need to stay alive. but now i just cant. not anymore. while doing this, i’m thinking of the ts7, the swift-alwyn children and the cats, your incoming tours. everything about u that i can’t longer witness huhu i’ll miss u taytay! iloveyousomuch

to my bruhang sister i love you inday kahit naman madalas tayong magkaaway love na love kita eh kasi naiintindihan ko naman na nagseselos ka at gwapo ang first boyfriend ko kumpara sa mga naging boyfriend mo HAHAHAHAHAHA

to my bunsoys lelay and matt. love kayo ni kuya. aral kayo mabuti ha? i cant wait to see both of you soar high. to my lelay, happy birthday baby sorry di na kinaya ni kuya na umattend sa birthday mo. enjoyin mo lagi ang birthday mo wag mo muna alalahanin si kuya.

to my tita diane who have showed me love and acceptance ever fucking since. i freaking love you tita. i have been so longing to have my cousins for you kaso its impossible na to meet them huhu

to my other titas na napakasupportive naman talaga thank you sa tiwala and advices.

to my zai and tetet. i love you both so much. sobrang laking tulong sakin ng mga tenga nyo kasi umabot ako ng 2019. mamimiss ko sbc moments natin. sana mamiss nyo din ako haha

to josef hoy hahahaha type talaga kita kaso masyadong malayo samin ahahaha pero sobrang thank you sa lahat, josef

to arabelle putangina sis???????? love u. alam ko kung pano mo ko lagi pinapatatag omg im getting emotional na ang dami ko pang gustong pasalamatan huhuhuhuhu mamimiss ko coffee dates natin. i mean, all types of date na nagawa natin. tangina bat di nalang ikaw jinowa ko huhuhu iloveyou

sa supreme fam and soccs, mga pokpok, iloveyou all thank you for u have accepted me as a family and as who i am more than anybody else. wag ko na kayo imention isa isa ha?

kay papc marvin and mark umali na ka-alak buddy ko tangina thank u sa mga oras nyo. at sayo mark sorry kung nasaktan kita!

to aldy tanginamo pasalamat ka mahal kita kaya bago ako magsuicide, dinelete ko na video natin. ganun kita kamahal. i care about ur so-called reputation as a teacher kaya sana ikaw, as a teacher, wag mo ng dumihan pa pala ang image mo. stop acting so perfect to everyone’s eyes and when u finally do, makikita mo kung sino talaga ang nandyan for u despite ur crazy attitude. gusto ko lang ulitin. u never left a space in my heart

to ali thank you so much, ali. “To you, who just recently entered my life ayiieeee haha you purely making my heart go flutter everytime you do things unknowningly… freely… and without thinking what other people might say. I can’t wait to make more memories with you. Thank you for making me feel welcome, and wanted… again. You are one of the people from my 2018 that can still go with me in my 2019. See you at the gate, A. Take time. A free and beautiful butterfly was once a catterpillar taking it’s time trying to cope up with everything around him before taking his turn to be ready to soar high so take time. God bless you! Thank you, come with me!” Christmas and year-end message ko yan for you. pero syempre u cant come with me na. i feel so blessed getting to know you, ali. thank you for me feel something i have been so longing to my past relationship.

and to all my nakachat with halong kaharutan. thank you for making me the pokpok that i really am. charot thank you!

and to all my failed fucking landian, thank you so much. i enjoyed my stay here on earth.

and for those who unknowningly brought me to heaven, thank you for bringing me there while im living cause it’ll be impossible na on my death.

and to my thesis mates, galingan nyong dalawa. kayang kaya nyo yan kahit wala na ako!

and to mj, hoy irelease mo yung sinulat ko haha and thank you for putting music to it.

and to my section, mga pokpok kayo wag nyo na sana akong gawing topic lagi ano baaaa magsawa kayo. pero on a serious note, mahal ko kayong lahat. and I wish nothing but happiness and diploma for all of you!!!

pasay friends. love u all. thank u sa memories. sana di nyo pa rin ako limot. pam, iloveusomuch!

and dun sa magki-keep ng phone ko, keep my accounts on the phone haha pwede nyo na pakielamanan yun haha pero syempre keep it private within the fam lang.

and sa mga na-advice-san ko pala, don’t let my weak heart invalidate everything that i’ve said to make you feel empowered and strong and motivated. kaya ko pa naman talaga eh pero kasi nasa point na ako na sobrang saya ko and ayoko ng lumungkot pa so i need to end my life while i’m still happy. babaw ko no? pero yun nga we have our ways naman kasi and ...bahala na judge nyo na lang how weak i am. hehe

in general, thank you for all the love, support, and care, fernandez. for my family who raised me to be me. to these people sorry if sobra akong problematic na being. i just cant really handle too much i maybe strong pero i still have my limits pa rin naman. sana sa haba ng existence ko napasaya at natuwa kayo sakin. hanggang dito na lang. gaya ng sabi ko hindi na ko takot harapin ang kamatayan ko kasi eto na yung magiging pahinga ko sa nakakapagod na buhay na meron ako, sa mga napatatag ko, nabigyan ng advices, sorry kung ako ang hindi nakatupad sa mga sinabi ko. sorry God.

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supahhoomandoggo-blog · 7 years

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Crazy yet plausible ideas

SCIENCE, SPACE, AND TIME

- Alcubierre Warp Drive (Result: The invention of IXS Enterprise, NASA’s Star Trek inspired Warp technology)

- Einstein’s General and Special Relativity Reviews

- More information about wormholes

- And blackholes of course as they bend the space-time itself

- Gravity as a lens bending light forming another object relative to the observer but the object is just a copy of the original [not real but duplicate (see Twin QSO)]

- Look at time as a “dot” in the middle of an x-axis, the “dot” represents the present, the x+ is the future, the x- is the past. (I have so much more in my mind about this but I can’t write it down cuz izu so many hahaha)

// I wrote down a really long paradigm explaining time, but realized no one would enjoy some nerdy chuchu like this, so I’m saving it for my special someone who would enjoy nerdy stuffs the same as me :)))

// UPDATE: I did tell her my story about time, and she really enjoyed it yay :))) I’m so happy

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PAINTINGS AND DRAWINGS

- I cant draw ones with colors yet *sad face*

- So, I’m doing my best to give black and white its fullest life yay

(RANDOM THOUGHT - do tumblr really allows this long posts unlike twitter with limited characters? :o)

// I’m still recovering from that long post about time I just deleted TT u TT

- I was thinking, if I should draw the Big Ben and Eiffel Tower since she really loves France and London (and Benedict Cumberbatch -,-).

- I love the sceneries from Italy, I don’t even know what their culture are, but I really love their city streets like OMG I SHOULD DRAW THIS ONE ASAP

- I love countrysides too

- And mountains ..

- I want to draw something from Canada, so I can give something to her before they leave, but I have no idea what to draw. And every time I think about her leaving, my mind doesn’t work anymore :(( I don’t know, my chest hurts every time I think about it, so I can’t get anything done huhuhu (I am teary right now)

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RANDOM SYNAPSES BY MY LITTLE GREY MATTERS

- I am really bothered by how Thomas Jefferson and KG OM CH TD PC DL FRS RA handle their states

- I’m bothered by how she is Bisexual ??? Dunno HAHAHA

- I wanted to correct her about that post I shared about the Grandfather Paradox. It states that, if you go back to the past to kill your Grandfather, didn’t you just kill yourself. She commented and said, it is syntactically error and you didn’t kill yourself, you just ceased to exist. I want to say, “You killing your ancestor, is another way of committing suicide”, but I think that’d be rude so I’ll just leave it here hahaha

// Doing something that will cause a paradox is impossible (sudden realization)

- I realized, myJapanese lingual side (which is in the left hemisphere of the brain) needs to know more Japanese words. And sudden realization, I need to know the other connectors to finish a sentence (e.g. ha, wa, no, ni , ga etc...)

- As of now, I can finish a Japanese sentence using a limited amount of information

- I want to learn Korean, I guess I can learn it quickly, because of its simplicity

- And I want to learn French too, secretly to surprise her, since she’s so adorable when she’s speaking French, and when I replied back in French she’d be surprised like, “What ?! Did you just speak French ?”, “Oui, suis moi”, as we wander along the streets of France* :P

- I want to save money. I could save up a lot of money this school year, so I can visit her in Canada, 1 year after they moved in (crazy yet plausible ne?) haha

- And for our future house too

- And for our unexpected trips around the world

- I want to learn more about French cuisine, and pastas, and linguine etc ..

- I want to cook for her since she really love pastas

- DO TUMBLR HAVE THIS FEATURE THAT TAG THIS POST SO THIS WILL BE THE FIRST THING THAT WILL SHOW UP WHEN YOU VISIT MY TUMBLR :o

- I have a dream, me and her are playing a game something that involve the ff:

A 7x7 Grid / Dots / Dashes / Numbers

I don’t know what’s it called, but we’re enjoying it though hahaha

------------------------- This is not the end haha;

#Inside the mind #of a #child

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mikaeltwist-blog · 5 years

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One Last Goodbye