#how am i meant to go two weeks

[tchaikovskygay]

the nimona movie getting glowing reviews, im already crying

#how am i meant to go two weeks #HOW am i meant to watch this on my laptop at my parents house #these emotions are too big #i followed update to update for almost two years and now this? im supposed to stay sane? #impossible #it could have been terrible and id be thrilled #but the audacity of just the potential to be great #im a mess over here already as you can see

[shirkers2018dirsanditan]

my luck is so bad it is legitimately just cruel. every day literally feels like i am being punished for every little decision i make. it’s almost hard to believe and yet somehow i’m too dumb to anticipate this…?

#i have previously been burned by usps coming an hour early and not picking up my packages #i woke up at 4:45 am this morning and got out the bed fr by 9. i knew i should have had my packages out as early as possible. #i want to get paid for the items im selling as soon as possible. i want to get a refund for my returns. #and i want these people to get their stuff #yesterday usps returned a package i had sent out to me so its already delayed #i was in the middle of packaging everything up when i noticed a package was delivered #i meant to check my email to see if they sent me that bullshit fucking email claiming to have picked up my packages when they didnt #but got distracted #so naturally. my dad leaves (the only person i could ask to drop packages off at the post office) and only then do i see that dumbass email #delivered an hour ago #i am so serious……..i cannot do this anymore #it is like this every single day #like okay. if the rest of my life is terrible. if i’m losing my mind from social isolation. if my parents quite honestly hate me. #if i have no future and no hope. #if the only interaction i can rely on is friendly coworkers and patrons at the library. #if i have to spend my days off with basically only myself and my dog to talk to. #can the little fucking things go my way? like…half of them? is that possible? #i’m not even asking to have a happy life i’m not asking to be loved i’m not asking to belong i’m not asking for a point to living #man i just want the tiniest of breaks. just. two days out the week? yeah? can i get my fucking packages sent out on time? l #can i get to work on time? with no stress? can i not look forward to eating a salad all day only for my dad to have eaten it? #can i have a normal menstrual cycle? can i stop having back pain? can i be a little comfortable? can i time my birth control correctly? #this is just so exhausting. how am i supposed to do this for years and years and years #my grandma is fucking 91 #my great grandma died at like 93 #i can’t even do another year of this man #i’m dreading my 25 birthday this september #i don’t know how i’m gonna make it to 30 #let alone anything after that #my parents are in their 60s………it’s a nightmare to have to think about living that long

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work #blocked it all out #my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer #breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries #they just diagnosed her two weeks ago #so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends #because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well #but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work #on top of my fulltime #which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it #but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this #for the coming four months at least #so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT. #i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes #then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe? #which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week #which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc #i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer #came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry #but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat #bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.” #“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.” #and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually #but seeing her anger made me see my own anger #and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic #i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more #so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise #doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal #and i am not joking #so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back

[mintbees]

So after that 3 hour examination I had Ive now gotta wait until early may to get results and I’m just expected to be chill about it and live my life like normal as if I’m not waiting for potentially the most important news of my life

#obviously I can’t tell what it is but it’s literally like #if the result is positive it’s literally life changing #how am I meant to just go about my day like this!!!! for two fucking weeks!!!! #so far I’ve been coping by being in a sort of art frenzy today

[toastsnaffler]

ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.

#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out #not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her #like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool #it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun #i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again #but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too #to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together #thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything. #and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all #like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing. #im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad #and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do #and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends #im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for #but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen #to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it #i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and #decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space' #when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen #and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree #but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most #and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen #and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway #so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me #which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its #crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it #idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her #i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of #resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different #and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has

[camptw1nk]

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#not 2 be like. negative but i just kinda got hit hard by the way my relationship w my best friend has changed #dont get me wrong i understand that her girlfriend will be super important to her esp bc she lives across the world and is only physically #here for another 2 or so weeks #but my best friend just got back from a trip to another city to see an artist she loves and as she came in i got up to go see her and ask hl #how it was but she was in her room w her gf before i could and thats fine i get it and like she hasnt done anything wrong i can not #emphasize that enough like i hold no bitter feelings to her she is excited to talk to her gf understandably #it just hit me that like. oh yeah. i have no one else that i go to about literally anything but she does #and its less ab her so much as its. its just hitting me that i dont really have? friends? #i have one or two people but like. i only have One Person thats my go to fave person always tell them everything #and i just. I've realized that its not reciprocated the way it used to be #and that i think is just like a part of growing up #i dont have a partner i dont have someone my life is intrinsically linked to #like a best friend is great but its not. relationships are placed to a higher level you know like its jusy more important #and i just. ive nevr Had a partner really. unless u count a like 2 month thing when i was 12 which i dont count #not to be depresso but i am just not the kind of person that people want or desire #and thats been the case long before i came out as trans but its extra complicated now since i dont. Fully pass #idk not 2 sound sad i just wanna be loved #and i think theres only so many times i can hear the most important person in my life come home and talk excitedly ab things thru the walls #and then never actually get told anything myself. not just ab things shes excited for but just in general #we were meant to go to a house viewing together a few days ago and it was only half an hour before it was happening when no one else was #home that i messaged them to check in and they were like oh yeah we're not going we have this and this going on #which like. fine whatever but i dont drive and getting anywhere fast is hard so it just. was stressful #but it just seems like i am constantly out of the loop. everyone i live with is in a relationship w each other and i am just here #in every aspect of my life i am Just There and im tired of it #not to sound desperate or needy but i just would like to. be noticed? or feel prioritized? or even wanted #idk this is. i just needed to rant i think im emotional bc my hormones r a bit wack #im due for my testosterone shot in a few days but i dont have the money or time to go to the doctors lately so its being pushed back #a few weeks and its just. i think its messing w me a bit #i mean i feel this way literally all the time but just the like. the being upset and emotional and posting ab it i think is bc of that #idk i needed to get it out idk it this will stay up or not

[jackdawsfavorite]

What doesn't kill you makes you sad strange defensive and difficult to connect with

#It's my annual visit to stay with my parents which means #Two weeks of being as normal as possible around people all day while my journal entries get increasingly unhinged #Because openness fosters interpersonal closeness but I don't know how to be Open around them in a way that doesn't massively hurt for evry1 #Like. How am I? I'm in near constant emotional pain because coming back here sucks. Because my memories of here since #like eleven are of suffering and fear and inability to escape. So I'm scared and hurting. But! #I will keep coming back here anyway. Because one day I won't have my parents anymore. And I don't want to regret time not spent with them. #It's a bit perverse isn't it. Being motivated by fleeing fear instead of pursuing love. But that's where I'm at. #And what are my parents meant to do with that? They can't fix it. Or me. They can't apologize in a way that would mean anything to me. #They can only suffer in guilt and helplessness. And then I'll imagine their suffering and hurt more for it. #And that's it! Fin! The only endpoint I can see. I've tried putting it on their shoulders before. It only hurts. #So I will try very hard to behave like I'm calm and okay. And in two weeks or when I snap -whichever comes first- I'll go back home #And return to the peace of social isolation and cleaning my house and admiring wildlife. #It's not healthy to keep oneself so alone. But I am not healthy. I'm sad and strange and defensive and difficult to connect with. #And nobody but me can help me and I don't know how to be different. #Christ. I need to go back to therapy. I need a hint. #Memories

[livvyofthelake]

god i miss alex. (saw him YESTERDAY. LESS THAN 12 HOURS AGO). life is so hard when you’re a girl who just watches the same movie every day

#and you wanna know what else is fucked up. unrelated to alex. ok well semi related to alex but not really. only in thr way that like life is #constantly in conversation with itself. anyway. so i ordered my little books for my little classes on thursday. wednesday actually i think. #and well i am expecting two packages. and one was meant to come today except it’s going to my house not my apartment at school #because i thought it would get there before i left today but it DIDNT. so now i have to Wait until thursday to open my little packages…. #it’s not. all books for class to clarify. i would not care that much about assigned reading. #and how many books have i bought for fun in the past week. i am simply not beating the isaac heartstopper allegations ig #beth.txt

[kelpiemomma]

somewhat accidentally beta’d the start to akari’s first pokemon, fixed the start of misbis 3, and got started on another artfight project :) time to chill and read some manga before dinner, take care of the ponies, and then do a lil more artsy stuff before bed tonight. kayaking tomorrow!!!

#i love my horses so much but i am also finding much love for kayaking #when i finally move i'm absolutely going to need to find somewhere to kayak in the state i move to #new state priorities are 1. good horse vets 2. home pasture for the horses 3. kayaking #not that i dont love my vets where i am but i shit you not there are a total of 5 (minimum) vets for well over 1000 horses #possibly well over 2000 #i would like somewhere with more vets so i am not desperately trying to make a vet visit or even just get in contact with one #and having to wait two or three weeks even just for a conversation #I WILL SAY THO!!! #if these vets know you they know you #when i put simon down they sent me a memorial card (i'm sure they do that for plenty of people but it still meant a lot) #the vet who did the surgery on maevus when she was a baby will ask me how she's doing if i'm in with a different horse #they're good vets and they're also good people

[orcelito]

of all things, seeing goro and sumi interact makes me wanna work on the next ladue chapter more than anything else the past like 2 weeks

Wild

#speculation nation #brain is just 'vashwood vashwood vashwood vashwood vashwood' etc etc etc #endless reading of trigun fanfic. no time for my own writing endeavors #but. im so close to finishing chapter 3 of ladue... so close... i just need to get back into it #... not rn tho. or the next few days probs. not a good time. #honestly tho it's making me remember how good writing is for my health overall #bc when i want to write i Have to take care of my health. get proper sleep & eat regularly & dont drink alcohol #bc i have to be in tip top condition to have writing brain. it keeps me in line. #the past week and a half has just been me Relentlessly pursuing my current hyperfixations #to the point of neglecting my health. case and point: me getting 3 hours of sleep for NO fucking reason (aside from trigun focus) #writing brain hasnt mattered so ive only been eating one or two meals a day. and ive been drinking a bit more often #though that also might be bc of my mental state 🤔 still no more than 2 drinks at a time #but ive gone from drinking Maybe once a month to like once a week. if not more often. #idk. it's meant as a relaxing kinda thing. god knows i need the stress relief. but it's still not great for me. #i still havent done my dishes and my fingernails r too long but i have no energy to trim them #aka. the experience of being actively in the throes of a hyperfixation is both Wonderful and terrible. my body is falling apart! #and this is with TWO!!!!! hyperfixations. trigun is definitely the more powerful but the fe:engage is there too #im. gonna go to bed early tonight. i have therapy in the morning :P #aka this is my 'i am alive' post but like only barely lmfao. ugh im so fucked with this lab.

[orowyrm]

oh my god no the starwatch gamemodes are live today but im too entrenched in warframe madness to bring myself to play ovw. i knew this would happen god damn you blizzard you just HAD to put this out so close to duviris release huh . rat fucks

#i know its been a few weeks but ive been waiting for this update for FOUR YEARS im going to be insane about it for a little bit #im so torn. how am i meant to focus on two things at once

[rose-coloured-boy]

you would think they WANT this fucking virus to run rampant given how hard it is to get test kits these days. fucking hell.

#nhsinform says yeah u can totes get test kits if ur in the nhs just use this handy link! #i use the link and it tells me to fuck off unless i am literally having a liver transplant as we speak. but i can call the provided number #if i REALLY think i'm worthy #i call the number! i explain the sitch. the guy on the phone is JUST AS SURPRISED AS ME that nobody has updated anywhere #that this is apparently no longer the case. maybe contact ur employer he says? he was very sweet tho thanks dude #i contact my employer. they say soz champ. ur a staff bank worker. u for realsies cannot be receiving shit. them tests is reserved. #reserved for the folks employed by actual wards. #u do still deffo need 2 clear tests before u can come back within 50ft of a patient tho! ^^ #cool. so like. given that...my tests are now out of date. #and i am still sick as hell. so cannot like...go to the pharmacy for one. #and am broke. because the staff bank hasn't paid me yet for a shift i did two fuckin weeks ago. thanks again for that besties. #HOW AM I MEANT TO KNOW IF I'M NOT POSITIVE ANYMORE #this is why outbreaks keep reoccurring and the virus continues to evolve and spread #this and shit like 'haha naww anyone can use the canteen again doesn't need to just be staff!' #and 'lol public can just DECIDE if they wanna mask up for hospital visits now. we can only ask them real niceys and hope they agree!' #fuck all of this man

[ravenslynch]

do I swing wildly and become a last of us tumblr ? no I mustn’t…………. unless 👀

#I am genuinely worried by how good it is because I’m going to be certified useless for two months as it airs I stg #how is it this good ? #how is next week meant to be better ?? the best ??? #I have spent too long with these characters and the justice they’re doing them #while expanding and fleshing out the narrative for the shift in medium ??? #going to be so useless for the duration of it send help #tlou #the last of us

[cannonballdwarf]

at any given point of the day i’m thinking about them (the crew of the revenge)

#how am i meant to go back to work tomorrow having spent my two weeks break on 24/7 ofmd lockdown??? #impossible #ofmd

[early-october-skies]

I can not sleep

#this actually SUCKS #my back aches and i can hear the electricity whirring through the walls #and i can feel bugs on me but i know theyre not real but i cant because what if #i cant lie still #brain is going random places #lizzietalks #i am going. #mildly insane #this close to sleeping on kitchen tile rn #havent tdone it in very long time #however #tempting #last night was constant nightmares #and now its just no sleep at all #please heavens let me sleep #j think im probably just anxious #easter is over and its time for me to return tk the city #i hate the city #i have been aboiding about how anxious i am this week so much i forgot i was #so last nights nightmares (there were four) #makes complete sense #cause why was i getting literally murdered so much #god im so tired #and i am screaming into the void cause im too ancious to actually tell anyone else because like #im bothering them and also like wtf is anyone meant to do with this information of ther than #lizzie is depressed again #the only times i have left my house this past two weeks is because i made plans to make sure id leave #all the while being completely fine™ #because i dont want anyone to know i am indact depressed again #because ill become sad lizzy is fucking sad again

[sonsband]

I guess my new job is mind reader for these two but whatever

#I've got two weeks until I can be a skank like how am I meant to go on