#hopefully not i want my old hobbies back ...... but uuuuu asaka LOVE

[asakamasanobu]

going through the most horrendous bout of asaka feelings all over again christ i swear this might become a monthly thing at this point ..... a mid-month crisis. a mid-month asaka reverence session. actually you know what she can be both! just that i’ve been making so much noise about him recently that it’s time i phone up the moving trucks and dump it here instead ^__^

why the onset of the asaka again? the biggest reason also doubles as a “what the fuck has day been doing with her life in the second week of 2022” kind of self-update and it’s that i’ve been reading the first volume of otrfk albeit at a fucking snail’s pace because i need to look up the 読み方 of every other kanji i encounter zzz but god it’s actually quite fun and the fact that i find it fun makes me feel incredibly nerdy like you’re telling me you rather WRANGLE TEXT IN YOUR THIRD (FOURTH? IDK) LANGUAGE FOR FUN THAN PLAY YOUR SWITCH ???? who are you but even then it’s like i’m also enthralled by how i’m picking up speed as i get used to things !!!! from taking around 45min to read 1.5 pages on tues to 1.5h to read 4 pages to like 1h for another 4 pages yesterday !!!!! which is about the same time my easily distracted and unproductive ass takes to do my actual uni readings so it’s like wow win !!!!!! or maybe it’s bc we’re finally having more dialogue than the initial few pages but in either case hapy :]

that para has absolutely to do with asaka especially since you’re reading the first volume girl what are you ON about when all you’ve been seeing is wataru and yuichi smfh ...... except seeing them and hearing their voices all over again is making my head jump a few volumes ahead of myself and sinking me deep into the asaka feelings u__u so now he’s in my head against my will and i’m feeling the same love and longing and resignation all over again which is like bitch relax ...... if you’re such a mess when you’re barely 30 pages in and nowhere near to meeting asaka then you’re going to have one hell of a catastrophic meltdown when the whole plot becomes asaka-centric! and i don’t want to be there for that!

and then because he’s nascently in my head my thoughts about the current life phase i’m in are inevitably drifting to him ..... with school starting but physical lessons being another week or two away it’s like i’m feeling the same sense of being too close and too far from everything and everyone simultaneously. feeling that creeping sense of existing for the sake of convenience and knowing that when the void lifts i’ll drown myself in the moment so hard and fast until it hurts. this is such a cryptic and flowery way of saying i’m somewhat lonely even though i have friends around me who seem to like me MY BAD but it’s just a feeling i’ve attached to asaka and in particular the subsequent feeling of learning to live with that sense of distance has allowed me to wash it away, even if traces of it cling on resolutely and refuse to cede like sharp grains of sand between your toes

so it’s nice to have him in my life! it’s also nice to think about how much like his life began again when he fell in love with wataru, i could really feel my life begin again when i met him and got to know him. or maybe it’s not as dramatic as that maybe it’s more of like entering a new era of myself where i’m able to put my life in perspective and accept it for what it is. getting to know asaka has been like going to therapy for me (completely stealing the phrasing of what i said last night but Well) because i am able to more effectively nip those self-destructive patterns of thinking in the bud and it’s the same thing ritsu has done for me all these years so it makes me realise how much asaka has become a part of me in such a short time. and oh my god OF COURSE ritsu talk is slipping into the conversation now but i was thinking how similar and different their therapeutic effects on me are like (as if i didn’t spend nov considering this jfc stop rehashing your old thought processes bc you have nothing better to think about) and i have come to the conclusion that for ritsu it’s like “don’t worry about feeling like you’re worthless! you may feel like you meaning nothing now but one day you’ll be able to mean something to someone — definitely.” which is so hopeful !!!! and comforting !!!!!! and then for asaka it’s more of like “don’t worry about feeling like you’re worthless. you may feel like you meaning nothing now and even if you live life without meaning anything to anyone that’s also in itself okay — what matters most is how your feelings and time alive has shaped you, carved meaning into you, and made you a better person.” and it’s like a aa ..... both these sentiments just really hit the spot for me depending on my current frame of mind like sometimes i want to cling onto hope and other times i want to take comfort in an uncrossable distance and regardless of the circumstance my heart is always full with my emotional support gay men

and with that i think i’ve somehow exhausted the countless things that have been swimming in my mind for the past few days. the way i think about asaka is very sane i hope everyone understands this thumbs up emoji

#everytime i talk about asaka i just open the faucet and a bunch of personal stuff just falls out of my mouth but vaguely #how is one man so eerily similar to me but drastically different at the same time on god #but also me saying it’s a mid-month thing ....... nah man when i reach volume 2 it’s gonna be a 24/7 365 days a year thing #hopefully not i want my old hobbies back ...... but uuuuu asaka LOVE