#hopefully ill have some time to revamp my navigation

[babyybitchhh]

Announcement

Alrighty, then. This post has been a long time coming so lets get right into it.

After much deliberation, I've decided not to push the self destruct button. I thought about it. Oh, when I say I was SO damn close to deleting this entire blog and all my fics right along with it. I'm frustrated and angry with myself, and I can't exactly say I'm doing well atm, but I know when things start to get better I'll want to write again, in earnest, and then I'd have to start over from scratch. Egg all over my face. Clown shit. We don't know her.

BUT. I think its clear to any and all that this is not working. It's just not. I expect too much of myself, for starters. And when it feels like others expect a certain level of performance from me that I just can't nail consistently due to my own ineptitude, my brain powers off. Is it some kind of executive dysfunction? Is it a fear of failing? A fear of success? Plain old anxiety? Who knows! I certainly don't. Whatever it is, it's hanging over my head like a guillotine. I'm beyond stressed and barely staying afloat irl, but then when I turn towards what should be a fun and therapeutic outlet all I see are expectations.

"When will you post the next chapter" on works that I WANT to finish but yet fear putting out a subpar product for and disappointing people.

"Will you write a follow up piece" for works that I WANT to expand on but don't know how to in a way that will make everyone else happy, let alone myself.

"Are you working on my request" for WIPs I have partially drafted and yet no way of knowing if that person - or anyone! - will even enjoy it.

I honestly feel guilty working on my own ideas instead of the multiple prompts in my inbox. I'm pretty sure that's part of my malfunction with my Ogun fic and others like it that are close to being done but remain unfinished simply because I'm thinking about what everyone else wants. It'd be one thing if I could just churn out content without a second thought but I can't. Like, it genuinely upsets me thinking that people are stuck in limbo waiting because I'm too chicken shit to just go with the flow instead of obsessing over every single line of text to the point of nausea, all for the sake of putting out "quality" content. I feel bad. I want to enjoy the writing process again, just like I did when I first got back into it with OsoSan. I shouldn't have started taking requests if I wasn't going to deliver, I know, and I sincerely apologize for my lack of foresight but it is what it is. I can't change the past. But what I CAN do is start fresh. So, long story short, there are going to be some changes coming to this blog.

A total revamp. I'm going to do an overhaul on the whole thing so don't be surprised when it starts to look different. I'm going to work primarily on navigation and organization, and try to tidy up a bit.

I'm turning off anon. Both because people looking to have a go with writers aren't so brave when that's no longer an option and also because I want to get as far away from those expectations as possible. I wont be reading or responding to comments on AO3 anymore for that same reason. I love you guys, and you're more than welcome to talk to me in DM's if you're more comfortable that way, but the long list of asks wanting to know wtf I'm doing in my spare time if not writing this or that is doing more harm than good.

I'm getting rid of the requests page and also purging any that I haven't already started working on - hopefully once I get into a better groove I'll actually be able to finish them, because I genuinely would like to. I really am sorry to everyone who's been waiting for their request to be fulfilled but I'm clearly not talented or confident enough to juggle my own ideas with someone else's. Maybe at some point in the future, when I'm a better writer, I'll start taking them again and we can all be happy.

And finally, I'm going to start experimenting with my writing method. As in, you're probably going to see shorter, less obsessively curated pieces popping up on my page that may not always be sexual in nature. I just really need to buckle down and work on this - all of it - and I'm determined to improve my skills even if it kills me. I have the urge to write every single day but it's hard when I'm the way I am and I've backed myself into a corner like this. I need to learn how to stop overthinking everything and just DO it. I know my productivity would increase and, with it, so would the overall quality of my work so I'm going to be focusing on different areas that need improvement. Not everything I put out will be good but that's part of the process, right? Right.

I totally understand if I lose followers for any of the above reasons, or even just personal ones, so don't hesitate to do so if you feel like you can't jive with this blog anymore. I appreciate you taking the time to read all this and I hope you understand my reasons for needing to do a reset on this page. This is exactly why I didn't want to start taking commissions and I would once again like to apologize to anyone I've let down.

P.S. I've had this distinct feeling that certain people in the writing community are not happy with me for a while now and although I'm not entirely sure what I've done wrong, I would still like to issue a formal apology for any toes I might have stepped on. That was never my intention. I can't claim to be a saint by any stretch of the imagination, but I have no ill will towards anyone. If its about the patreon I subscribed to and then left a month later, it had nothing to do with the author in question. I just belatedly realized I had more money coming out of my account than I could handle at the time and yes that weighs heavy on my shoulders. If its about the way I suddenly disappear in private chats, that's also something that shouldn't be taken personally. I genuinely have a hard time keeping up conversations with people, and I feel like a bother more often than not. If it's about the discords I join and then never participate in, see the above. If its about the way I fangirl or enthusiastically support some writers but not others, I never meant any harm by it. I just can't conceivably read everything that comes across my dash and, yes, my favorites are prioritized. Either way, whatever the grievances may be, anon will remain on until I start the revamp process some time tomorrow night so if whoever wants to air out their problems go for it. I probably wont post them but I will read them and try to learn from them, so have at it.

#small text so as to not take up so much room on people's dashes #personal #dumb bitch shit #I've already added a carrd to my bio so its easier to locate my age and such #I'd like to do a bit more with it but its late so : / #anyway I hope everyone's having a fine evening

[hercthehandsome-blog]

On departing the RP

Alternately titled: Why I’m leaving FH on upsetting terms, and why I didn’t just go quietly. 

After some deliberation, I’m going to put this under a cut. I still implore you to read it, but I can’t force it on anyone, of course. You’re more than welcome to unfollow me instead of reading this post, as I’m no longer in the RP and that’s the way these things usually go, but I wanted to give a reason as to why I’m leaving and why I felt I had to make a post about it. 

So, hopefully you got to know me over the almost-year I was here at FH - but if you didn’t, I’m Tori, and I formerly played Hercules, Mia and Gawain. I’m a uni student and I’m mentally ill. I’ve had depression and anxiety for about five years now. It flares up from time to time, and one such flare up happened in this summer FH lull. If it had happened earlier, I wouldn’t have opened up new plot avenues for Hercules - I would have had him graduate, would have written up an after section, dropped Mia and Gawain and left, sadly but with only a few hiccups and fond memories.

That’s not exactly what went down. 

My mental health was going fine, and so I explored a different route with Hercules - the idea that he would be held back next year. It made sense, it would work well - but then I began relapsing. I was granted a hiatus, but as it was coming to an end I realised that I didn’t really have the capacity to continue this RP. I couldn’t give it the time it needed, so I messaged the main saying I was happy to drop Mia and Gawain, but considering I’d spent almost a year with Hercules as my main character, I would really appreciate if he could be considered for retirement. I was told that I would be contacted back once my application was considered.

Fast forward a week or so, Hercules turns up on the unfollow list. The reason some of you probably aren’t reading this right now. Which is okay - those are the rules clearly set out from the beginning. Someone comes up on an unfollow post, you unfollow them. Easy. 

But I was told I would be contacted, so I messaged the main again. They said that they figured I would just drop Hercules if he wasn’t accepted for retirement, but I explained that I was willing to push to get Herc to his retirement requirements. I had the capacity to do that. 

I got a response about how Hercules’ character arc was incomplete, he felt unsure as a character, and had little interaction outside of two characters. I felt this was unfair - I had received (what I considered at points to be quite harsh) warnings about inclusive roleplay, and had definitely been a more widespread role player in my last few months at FH, so hearing this was upsetting. So, I stated my case back, giving examples of other interactions he’d had and ideas I’d had about his potential retirement - using examples that not all of the retired bios closed off and wrapped up character plots either! Sometimes character evolution comes from that unsure nature. 

I was told that my points were to be taken into consideration, but was then told that it felt like Hercules was being dropped off at an important point in his plot. I asked if I could wrap him up through selfies. 

I was then told that sure, that would be fine to retire my version of Herc, but he would likely be revamped. Even in the face of all the effort I was willing to put in, the end result was basically “sure, but we’ll overturn it because you’re gone.” I was also told that official retirement only stands if a player is still in the group - I had never heard this rule before today. And how was I to know - there are still retired characters whose players are not here. Mods have said that reopening and revamping retired characters is low on their priority list - how was I supposed to assume they’d want to reopen Herc from that alone? I replied a few days ago, but I haven’t heard anything from the mods since. 

Believe me, I understand that this is not a convenient point to drop Hercules’ character. It was not a convenient time for my mental illness to flare up - it never is, honestly. But my mental health is important, as is every other players, and if I’d known I was going to get ill I would never have looked to extend Hercules’ plot. I would have kept it as is at the end of school. He would have had his after section, and all would be well.

But it came to a decision of one of two things - allow me to wrap up Herc’s character as best I can and try and find that satisfying ending, or just have me drop him and have his character... cease to exist. I know which is more satisfying for me, and I like to think that for other characters, one would be more satisfying for them too. But ultimately, that decision didn’t matter - both would result in Herc being opened back up, even when other characters have had their time to be retired and exist quietly as NPC’s in other characters’ stories. I didn’t want to gatekeep Hercules, but to be told that no official retirement would be granted because he would just be reopened anyway seems like a pretty iron-fisted approach. It certainly felt that way.

There are no rules for retirement on the FH page as of my writing this. Nothing in the rules, nothing in the navigation. It’s all subjective. I have had to wait weeks for my responses to be seen and considered - I understand that the mods are busy, but this has been a pretty upsetting process for me that I feel was unnecessarily extended. However, if there was a list of criteria to go through, to meet before retirement, then I could have done the legwork myself! The mods could have gone “we don’t think Herc has met these requirements,” and if I thought I could meet them, great, I would! But if not, we could have gone our separate ways, disappointed but understanding. Instead, I checked this blog daily for messages, filled with genuine anxiety that I would receive another message that shot me down in regards to retiring Hercules. Which I did.

I’m fully aware that this might seem like burning a bridge - but I think it needs to be said. I’ve seen players leave with not a bang but a whimper, and I’ve seen issues arise in this RP that just get passed over in ways that I’m not comfortable with. I figure if I can just get one person to read this far, I can tell them that this is not just about me. This is about the fact that there needs to be clear guidelines, or at least compassion, in the way some things are run. I understand that the retirement process needs to be accepted by all the mods. You don’t want someone coming in, playing a super popular character for two months, speeding through their arc and then retiring them. Of course not. But I genuinely thought that over the course of almost a year, I’d proven that I wasn’t here to do that.

I had worked hard to improve myself when I received warnings. When I was told to be more inclusive, I attempted to put myself out there more, and to be told that Hercules only had meaningful interactions with two characters from the same player was upsetting and hurtful. I have friends who were also players who left that got unnecessarily authoritative messages about rules they had “broken” in completely innocent, non-malicious ways. I watched as players who “broke” rules in this way had to repent and thank and plead to keep their spot. 

Overall, I’m disappointed and angry, but truly the thing I feel most is that I’m upset. Hercules, the bonds he made and a lot of the players here were great. There were a lot of fun interactions, events and relationships that are the reason I wanted to retire Herc in the first place. So that, even though I didn’t have the mental or emotional capacity to continue in the RP, I could come back and check things out sometimes, and know that if anyone mentioned that meathead Herc who failed seventh year but somehow keeps his head above water, that was my character they were talking about. The relationships he forged, the (somewhat-clumsy) things he did. That I could feel like I really made a mark and contributed to what you guys have here. Not forever - that when the mods felt it was time to revamp Hercules, that would happen. But instead, I am all but forced to not bother retiring him, as I have been given the impression that he will be revamped before my blog is cold.

Instead of leaving smoothly, I’m leaving, upset and not-quietly (because one such trait I shared with all of my muses is that we are not quiet). I’m not sure exactly what I’ll achieve with this post - it may just be catharsis for me. It’s not supposed to be something that dismantles everything about FH. But maybe someone will read it and maybe something will change in the future. In the meantime, I wish the players the best, and if another Hercules comes along, I hope that he is as fun and hopeless for them to play as he was for me. 

#ooc