#honestly mankind is so real for all this shit tbh id be calling goldust mommy too

[blowflyfag]

WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT/FEDERATION MAGAZINE: OCTOBER 1996

MOMMY? Is the Mystery of Mankind Beginning to Unravel?

A Special Report By the Informer

IS GOLDUST MANKIND’S MOMMY?

You read that right! I’m on the verge of breaking the hottest scoop of the century… I think!!! Even though my reputation may be on the line, this is just to JUICY to pass up!!!

OK, are you ready? My eyes and ears have told me, the Informer, that not only is Mankind living in the basement of Goldust’s Hollywood estate, BUT the “bizarre one” actually has the “dementated soul” under his complete control! How you asked? Perhaps by having him convinced that he is… his long lost… MOMMY!!! NORMAN BATES, MOE OVER!!! This situation makes the relationship between you and your deceased mother look like Mrs. Cleaver and the Beav!!!

I must say that at first I, the Informer, didn’t even believe it myself. Goldust and Mankind? RuPaul and Hannibal Lector? COME ON!!! Can you imagine the conversation over a cup of expresso?

“Mankind, what do you think  of my new wig?”

“Oh, I think it’s lovely. But, it would look even better… WITH THE HAIR PULLED OUT OF IT!!!”

Talk about an odd couple? They would make Feliz and Oscar look like the Olsen twins!!! But wait, let’s not be so hasty with our judgments. Let’s stop and ask ourselves this question: Beneath it all… are they “really” that different? Is it possible that there might be more similarities than they would want us to believe? Let’s look a bit more closely, shall we?

First and foremost, it is a fact that Goldust and Mankind are loners. They have no friends… nor do they want any. As a matter of fact, much of their companionship actually takes place “inside” the ring, rather than “outside”. True, Holdust does have Marlena, but first of all she is of the opposite sex… we think. And second, their relationship is of a business nature, not personal…. We think. Mankind, on the other claw, is definitely friendless. That is unless you consider George, his rat who by the way I’ve heard died recently. However, just because he’s dead doesn't necessarily mean that he’s not still Mankind’s best friend, by any stretch of the imagination! Now the psyches of Goldust and Mankind are comparable in various ways. Both are masters of the mind game… in their own “special” way, of course. Where Goldust likes to frolic within the psychologically bizarre realm of sexuality, Mankind takes a more strait-jacketed approach. He likes to come off as being just plain nuts. Both live in fantasy worlds–Goldust in the lights, camera and action of La-La Land… Mankind in his safe haven known as the boiler room. They both offer very unique and mysterious backgrounds. The truth is–we know very little about either individual, largely due to the fact that neither has told us anything! What “really” makes Goldust tick? Did something happen in his childhood that sent him to super-bizarredom? Does he have any legitimate acting experience? If not, how the heck did he get himself on the red carpet area on Oscar night? And Mankind? Now here’s a jigsaw puzzle that lacks a straight border. The music, the claw, the mask, the cellar, the… MOMMY?

MOMMY… here’s where the mystery begins. If you don’t already know by now, Goldust and Mankind wrestled as a tag team at some house shows back in the late summer, early fall. The Bizarre and the Demented. OK, nothing wrong with that. Sometimes wrestlers do team up even though they may have nothing in common. Case in point–the opponents of this troubled team were none other than the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels and everybody’s favorite dead man, the Undertaker. Now here’s the wacky part–weeks prior to the match, Goldust and Mankind were cutting a couple of interviews talking about the upcoming matches. Keep in mind these interviews only ran in the markets where the matches were taking place. In other words… only a few people saw them. Anyway, through the entire cuts, Mankind was referring to Goldust as… MOMMY. You got that? MOMMY! But wait, it gets even sicker! The three of us–me and my own two eyes–witnessed Mankind actually BURYING HIS HEAD IN GOLDUST’s BOSOM in search of some peace, love, and understanding!!!

Now you tell me, kitty-cats, what the H-E… double toothpicks is going on here?!!! Has Goldust outpsyched the psycho into believing that he’s his… MOMMY?! OR is this just another chapter in their well-scripted psychology handbook? What do you think? Do you think I know? WELL, I MIGHT!!!

The following day after this goose-bumping incident, my top informer informed me, the Informer, that SON has moved into MOTHER’S mansion!!! That’s right! They share the same CELLAR!!! Now this shocking detail has in no way, shape or form been confirmed yet. HOWEVER, I was told just last night by the GREAT (his opinion, not the Informer’s) VIC VENOM, the next month… in this very magazine,,, he plans on bringing you inside the mansion of Goldust in his exclusive “Lifestyles of the Rich and Filthy Rich”! So now the question is will Venom be the reporter he says he is and take us in the cellar of the Goldust estate so that we can find out the truth for ourselves? OR will snake breath slither out of the entire situation by keeping the basement door LOCKED?!

Tune in next month!!! Until next time…this has been the Informer.

THIS JUST IN!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!! AS OF PRESS TIME, I HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT GOLDUST MAY HAVE COME CLEAN WITH MANKIND! A SOURCE INFORMED ME, THE INFORMER, THAT GOLDUST MAY HAVE RECENTLY EXPLAINED TO MANKIND THAT HE INDEED IS NOT HIS MOMMY, BUT… SABLE IS!!! 

THIS STORY JUST GETS WEIRDER BY THE MINUTE!!!

STAY TUNED!!!

#goldust #mankind #gay people #wwf #world wrestling federation #magazine scan #magazine transcript #wwf magazine #also this is totally vince russo #i know his shitty fucking writing anywhere #his random caps #his multiple !!!!! i know its you mother fucker you cant hide from me #they should have had a gay person write this btw goldust is no Rupaul hes a Divine cmon be real #honestly mankind is so real for all this shit tbh id be calling goldust mommy too