#hlcn: margot

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

july 2, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling

[margot] thank you for sharing that. that’s very brave of you to do so, and that's the most forthcoming you've ever been with me. you should be proud of yourself.

[margot] and if you don’t mind, i'd like to cycle back a few minutes and ask you something about kelly, your other sister.

[grant] sure.

[margot] so, why let your dad back into your life and not her?

[grant] i don’t know.

[margot] she messaged you and you deleted it immediately.

[margot] what makes you want to talk to him and not her?

[grant] well, the thing is, it's not that easy for me to talk to him. being around him makes me, i don't know, some weird mix of sad and angry and scared. and you know, i didn't answer him the first time he called me to reconnect. i ignored him until four or so calls in.

[margot] but what is your motivation for seeing him at all?

[grant] you know, uh, i think part of me is hopeful that my dad really loves me. i don’t have hope for my mother or my other sister.

[grant] my dad was overall a very confusing person when i was a kid. it was never obvious if he liked me or hated me or loved me or just tolerated me. most days it was like i didn't exist to him, but then rarely on other days, he actually seemed like a good father. so, i spent a lot of time trying to figure him out and to please him. i think maybe i still feel the same way. i'm trying to figure him out and see what's there.

[grant] but with kelly...fuck no. i want nothing to do with her. it’s very clear how we feel about each other.

[margot] what is it you think you feel about each other?

[grant] i'm not going to get into that. not now. hopefully not ever. i'm sorry. it’s just...i don’t know, it’s too much to think about. it’s the kind of thing that if i fully think and tell you about, i don’t trust myself to handle it well afterwards. i will lose my mind.

[grant] i'm trying so, so hard not to avoid right now, but this one i have to. i'm not ready. it the biggest fucking pandora's box on earth. if i open that up, all my demons are going to come exploding out. i'm sure you can guess at some stuff that happened, but i'm serious. it's way more complicated than you could ever know.

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: grant #hlcn: margot

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

july 2, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[grant] anyhow, you know what my parents were like. vaguely, that is. one was abusive and the other was an enabler. you don’t know much about them, but definitely nothing about my sisters.

[grant] oh, and about the avoidance thing, one of the things i've avoided besides my parents is what happened to my oldest sister elizabeth. she’s the one who passed away from cancer. i mentioned her last week. i can't remember if i mentioned the cancer part.

[grant] her birthday was back on the seventeenth. i haven’t been home, like in my hometown where i grew up, on her birthday in years. but no matter where i've been, i've never felt brave enough to actively engage in my grief, if that makes sense. she’s always haunted me and so has her death and everything surrounding those events. the grief has always been there. i've just never dealt with it or really tried to open up to remembering her in a more honorable light.

[grant] and by honorable, i mean, like, genuinely talking about her and not only saying her death destroyed me and i wish she were here. i'm not trying to shove her away. i don’t mean to reject her. i mean, she never rejected me. it’s sort of wrong for me to not remember her fully. i feel immense guilt for that.

[grant] there are some people who aren’t here anymore that aren’t blessed with the luxury of being remembered, so i shouldn't even try to condemn her to the same fate. plus i think my sister is still with me somehow.

[grant] by the way, i guess i should also say that the reason i started changing my mind about hope, being more confident, and not avoiding things despite my current situation is that, well, i also feel very guilty for not fixing myself. if i have to be the one that’s alive, i'll respect her and do the right thing for myself. my sister would want me to be happy. besides, my sister had a lot of hopes in her last days, and absolutely none of them came true. i'll do my best to make the ones i can control come true.

[grant] also no, i'm not deflecting off onto someone else. i'm choosing it for myself, don’t get me wrong. i'm doing my part. it’s just, well, like i said, my family is a unit. they do matter to me. their thoughts and opinions matter. we do rely on each other. that includes elizabeth, even if she's not here.

[margot] do you feel also guilt overall that it’s you that survived?

[grant] why wouldn’t i?

[margot] it was out of your control. there’s nothing you could have done to change the situation.

[grant] i tried to. yeah, i tried, and then immediately abandoned any hope for catholicism or good nature in the universe after prayer and hoping failed.

[margot] ah, you come from a religious family.

[grant] of sorts. it’s not cut and dry conservative catholicism, though, don’t get me wrong. there are a lot of atheists or at least open-minded practitioners. bridget, my aunt, is even into wicca. except there’s my mom, she is a hardcore catholic in the not-so-fun way.

[grant] still, there’s not a single person in my family who didn’t at least attend catholic school. we’re irish catholics and yes, the catholic part is an important distinction.

[margot] perhaps that plays into the guilt aspect. generally, christianity teaches that prayer will bring good things and then…

[grant] right. and then terrible things happen anyway and your faith and hope are shattered.

[grant] but besides that, i do feel guilty because she just didn’t deserve it. i feel like i deserved it more. i've always felt that way. i don’t have as much to offer the world as she did.

[margot] neither of you deserved it. unfortunately, these awful random deaths do just happen, but it’s not about deserving. no one deserves to die.

[margot] tell me about her. what was she like? what was her role in the family?

[grant] genuinely, the best word to describe her is perfect. i don’t think she ever did anything wrong in her life and i don’t think she had the capacity to be bad at anything. she was nice, she was very generous and lovely. she was deeply religious. i guess you could just say pure of heart. beyond that, she was accomplished. straight A student, valedictorian, MVP softball player, homecoming queen, prom queen…

[grant] not that appearance matters, but she also was very pretty. standard pretty, too. she was tall and skinny and a natural blonde.

[grant] as for her role in the family...well, you know, like i said, she was the oldest out of all of us. she’s the oldest grandchild by a couple months and she was seven years older than me. and she was my mom’s favorite. she was so obviously the favorite that it’s insane. it’s like my mom lived through her. everything my mom wanted from her, she got. my sister was even planning on going to medical school and had a full scholarship to college because that’s what my mom wanted. i mean, she wanted to help people, but my mom also wanted that from her.

[margot] to be the oldest daughter and the golden child is a deeply tragic way to live. i'm sure she was many of those things on her own, but i'm also sure she was driven to excel beyond belief in everything to stabilize your mother and to avoid drawing her ire.

[grant] i know. i came to that realization, too.

[grant] also, you know how i mentioned to you that my sister wrote me a ton of letters to keep for after she died? it’s a sweet thing and something others have done out in the world, too, but her letters are above and beyond. they’re not just “i love you” letters. they’re…

[grant] well, uh, for example, the one i read last was a whole dive into religion and her beliefs and her trying to explain why she believed in catholicism. that’s heavy shit.

[grant] and also, i'm not the only one who got something from her after her death. nearly every single person got something, at least a little something.

[margot] she felt indebted. she had to do the right thing to make everyone happy, not just your mom.

[grant] yes, i think so.

[grant] she’s a good person and always was. she would have been no matter what the family situation was. but i think the situation did force her to take on the burden of taking care of others.

[grant] you know, i'm not super happy or relieved to know after remembering a couple of our last conversations and reading that one letter that she died absolutely fucking terrified of what would happen to everyone, in particular me, after she died.

[grant] that’s just so unfair. it’s not right for someone her age to be worried to that extent about other people.

[margot] that is very, very sad, and yes, incredibly unfair. those are responsibilities well beyond her age.

[grant] and she had to do most of her caring for other people in secret. she could be loving with other people in front of my mom, but there was always a limit. too much and my mom would freak out. that's another batshit insane thing to wrestle with.

[margot] were you close with elizabeth?

[grant] yes, definitely. for one, she was protective over me, but we were always close with each other anyway. we had different personalities and interests, and there was an age gap, but it didn’t matter all that much. that might have been part of why she liked me so much, since i was way younger. and i don't know, i guess i was a very agreeable and shy kid, and she was an outgoing happy-go-lucky person. that works out. a lot of people would describe me as her baby doll. that was most of our relationship, actually, um, we had a lot of fun together, and i think she liked playing big sister.

[margot] what about your other sister? what was her role? was she close with either of you?

[grant] kelly’s kind of a weird case. my mom also loved her and considered her a favorite, but kelly had free reign. at least she did until elizabeth died, then all those expectations were put on her. on me, too, actually, but kelly did live up to them in my parents’ eyes and i never could.

[grant] i can’t say my sisters got along with each other. elizabeth wanted to, but best i can remember, it was more like they just ignored each other. maybe because they were both the favorites. there was nothing pitting them against each other or making them be besties either.

[grant] actually, overall, kelly didn’t have all that much to do with any of us. she stayed with her friends most of the time. when she was around, she just did her homework or her hobbies or whatever, and wouldn’t talk all that much unless there was drama.

[margot] and what happened when there was drama?

[grant] she always took my mom’s side.

[grant] that was the dichotomy. elizabeth didn't, kelly did.

[margot] i see.

[grant] if i'm honest with you, i feel like i barely even know kelly. she left home immediately after she graduated high school. elizabeth died in 2003, then kelly turned 18 in 2004 and just straight up left. she came back one time after that and then never again. no one has talked to her since.

[margot] let me guess. that one time was when you graduated college.

[grant] yes.

[margot] i think i can assume what might have happened.

[grant] i'm sure you can.

#tw cancer #tw death mention #ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: grant #hlcn: margot

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

july 2, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] i should ask. were you given adequate space and time to grieve your sister’s death as a child?

[grant] no, not really. the rest of my family tried to but i so strongly refused to talk that no matter how much they tried to get me to work through it, i wouldn’t do it. i learned to keep my mouth shut about my grief. i used to be a lot more open about my feelings but that all changed when elizabeth died. i didn't want to anymore.

[grant] and at home, obviously i didn’t talk about it. that’s where i learned to hide my feelings. i wasn't allowed to have any there.

[grant] i remember while my sister was sick, she had to be the one to tell me everything that was going on with her. she even had to break the news to me alone when she was first diagnosed. any time her cancer was discussed in front of my parents, my mom would totally lose her mind and have these super terrifying emotional outpourings, and if i said even like, “oh my god, i'm so sad,” she’d scream at me and tell me she had it worse since she was the parent.

[grant] see, look, i'm trying not to avoid. you have me actually talking about something nobody besides my family knows about. i didn't even tell any of my exes about that part.

[margot] the loss of a child is very painful, but that doesn’t mean the other members of the family don’t suffer as well. siblings, grandparents, cousins...everyone feels the loss intimately.

[grant] i can’t tell you what my dad thought about it all. like he was about everything, he didn’t express his feelings or thoughts at all. i never saw him cry even. he got close at the funeral, but you know, my mom shut down his emotions, too. i know he did love elizabeth and does miss her, but it’s just logical. he won’t say that.

[grant] kelly was the same way.

[grant] you know something else?

[grant] i told you elizabeth had a lot of hopes and none of them came true. for one, elizabeth really couldn’t get away from my mom’s wishes even in death.

[margot] oh?

[grant] so, my sister refused to do any kind of cancer treatment. when they found the cancer, it had already spread beyond the point of no return. she had ovarian cancer but it was all the way in her lungs and everything. even in her brain. a couple months later and it was literally everywgere. and i know, ovarian cancer is not super common in teenagers, but like i was talking about with my cousin the other day, it’s the side effect of a horrible family history with cancer.

[grant] anyway, she didn’t want treatment, and she just wanted palliative care when it got to be too much for her to handle. it took a while because she wasn’t very symptomatic at first. she also didn’t want a DNR and didn’t want to be sent to the hospital if she got sick or something.

[grant] then she got some kind of infection. i can’t really remember what, but it pushed her over the edge and all her organs started failing, and she hit the point of not being in a clear state of mind, and my mom took advantage of that and sent her to the hospital.

[grant] don’t ask me those details because i can’t remember what happened. my sister had a DNR, but whatever was done obviously didn’t break that. still, it was definitely extending her life past what she would have wanted.

[grant] and so she died in the hospital when she wanted to go at home.

[grant] i remember the very moment when she died, too. still makes me feel sick. like when i think about it, i feel like i'm going to die right now in the same way.

[margot] that’s tragic she lost her ability to choose. she deserved the right to die peacefully at home like she wanted. that wasn't fair to her to steal that choice. and, um, were you there when she died?

[grant] i was in there by myself.

[margot] oh, i'm so sorry. that’s...i have no words. i'm so terribly sorry.

[grant] my parents and grandparents did not get along, but my parents, i guess, respected their place in the family enough to call them when my sister was put in the hospital that night.

[grant] my parents left to get them downstairs and my other sister left to get coffee. i refused to leave. you know, actually, i was under the age of thirteen, so it was against the rules for me to be in the ICU as a visitor alone, but no one kicked me out or sent me with them.

[grant] maybe, like, five minutes later, she pretty much suffocated to death and her heart just quit. and she was gone. i could hear my whole family outside arguing about my mom’s decision to put her in the hospital when it happened.

[grant] i very, very distinctly remember how, um, gruesome her death seemed, and that’s it. after that, it’s super blurry. i think i might have cried in the doctor’s arms for a hot second before my grandma came and got me. i think my grandpa bought me some candy from a vending machine to kind of halfway distract me. can’t remember anything else.

[grant] i can still see the worst part of that night in my head, though. even right now. the actual trauma has stayed with me. the image is there. right now. and it won't leave.

[grant] at least she got a nice funeral. it was a horrible, horrible day for me...for all of us...but she got what she wanted on that day. except for maybe what day of the week it was on. the choice of day would hurt her so deeply.

[grant] i'll just say this. i hate birthdays. they’re all ruined for me. every single one of them. all i can think about any birthday is death.

#tw cancer #tw death mention #ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: grant #hlcn: margot

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

july 2, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] it’s not what you think. we do not have to dive into family stuff yet, but i have a concern with your current, well, attitude towards opening up about your trauma, and i'd like to introduce you to a bit more theory.

[margot] am i correct in thinking you’re the kind of person who deeply desires an explanation for everything? something nice and neat and zippy that makes sense of things and rationalizes it for you?

[grant] very much so.

[margot] then i'd like to help you explain why you’re so resistant to talking despite you openly wanting to heal. you know that it’s easier in the long run to open up and you feel confident enough to heal, but you are holding yourself back. why?

[grant] because it’s excruciatingly painful?

[margot] it is, but that’s not really getting to the core reason. it’s your reaction to the pain.

[margot] if someone came into this room right now and yelled at you, what would your first instinct be?

[grant] i'd, um, feel very cornered. i'd want to leave.

[margot] when your ex-fiancee cheated on you and she became aggressive, what was your immediate response?

[grant] just to disappear or make myself small, invisible even. i spent the whole time she was in the house after she cheated living in the basement and avoiding her. i'd literally listen for her footsteps and decide whether to come upstairs or something.

[margot] what was your strategy growing up? when your mom mistreated you, what did you do?

[grant] i left or made myself hard to notice. being noticeable got me in trouble. so, i'd do anything to not be in her line of sight or be heard. i'd go to my best friend henry’s house–you know, the guy who unlocked your car the other day–or one of my family member’s houses or my oldest sister’s room. if i had to be home, i wouldn’t ask for anything or make a lot of noise and i didn’t go anywhere my parents were unless it was time for dinner or something.

[margot] do you know the four trauma responses?

[grant] flight, flight, freeze, and fawn?

[margot] yes. those are survival mechanisms. when you’re living in trauma, they’re the ways to keep yourself safe. in your case, you’ve learned to avoid, to disengage, to make yourself scarce. you aren’t naturally that way, but you needed it as a skill because of all the responses, it was the most advantageous. doing anything else meant putting yourself in the line of fire.

[grant] right. fighting would have been the worst choice and i don’t know, freezing just lets people cannibalize me and fawning, i mean, i couldn’t do anything to actually please my parents. even if i did everything right, the problem was just that i existed.

[margot] so, the problem is that the things that kept you safe back then are making your life so much harder than it needs to be now. you’re hurting yourself. you’re stunting yourself even. the longer you stay in that mode, the longer you let it rule you and every interaction you have.

[margot] i know it feels the same way to open up. opening up about your trauma is putting you back into the bullseye because you’re going to relive it, but if you don’t engage with it, what are you doing?

[grant] i'm just putting a band-aid on a gaping wound.

[margot] correct.

[margot] you don’t want to do that.

[grant] no, i don’t. i said last time it’s not what i want. i did it before and the whole nice little house of cards i built for myself came crashing down when i met real resistance in life again.

[grant] also, you said that one time that being cruel to myself is repeating the trauma. this is doing it, too, isn’t it? i'm leaving myself in the same kind of victimized state i was in back then.

[margot] yes, you are. you were a victim, but you don’t have to be anymore. there’s a quote about that i think you should hear.

[margot] “as long as you’re avoiding your feelings, you’re denying reality. and if you try to shut something out and say, “i don’t want to think about it,” i guarantee that you are going to think about it. so invite the feeling in, sit down with it, keep it company. and then decide how long you’re going to hold onto it. because you’re not a fragile little somebody. it’s good to face every reality, to stop fighting and hiding, to remember that a feeling is just a feeling. it’s not your identity.”

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #margot <3 #this is going to be one of the last times we see margot for a bit #don't worry she's not leaving and grant's not quitting therapy :D it's just time to shift gears in the story again #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: grant #hlcn: margot

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

june 25, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] would you like to talk about the process of the inner child letter? again, you do not need to read me it or anything. that’s for you. i'm only wondering how it went.

[grant] oh, it was hard. i have a good memory, i think, and i can recall a lot about my childhood. my problem is me and my feelings have always been a little bit disembodied. i can remember the way i felt or i can remember the actual event, almost like a movie around me, but not both at the same time. i had to kind of force those two things back together to be able to access, well, me.

[grant] it was also really hard because i don’t have a lot of physical reminders of childhood. it’s pretty much all gone. long story. i only have these letters my sister wrote me and the photos of me my family has. and that’s it. i don’t even keep them near me. they’re all at my grandparents’ house. so, there was, like, very little to jog my memory. i had to do it all by myself and with the photos.

[grant] but once i went through the photos and thought about everything i could dredge up, it wasn’t all that hard to figure out what to write. it’s just that what i wrote is painful. i had to seriously remember what my mom did to me and since then, it’s been easier to access those memories of her. they’re a lot more vivid now, so they’re worse.

[grant] but anyway, i think i learned from the letter. tell me if this is a stupid idea but i'm going to treat it like a time capsule in a way. after i wrote it, i sealed it in an envelope, and i'm going to leave it there until i need those lessons again. do i know when that’ll be? no, i don’t, but i'll figure it out in the future.

[margot] it’s not a stupid idea. if it helps you or provides you healing, it is an excellent idea. i like that. i like that you’re not letting those lessons end here.

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: grant #hlcn: margot

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

june 25, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] hello, hello! good afternoon, how are you doing?

[grant] you know what, i'm okay. how are you?

[margot] i'm well. and on time again this week!

[margot] so, give me a little update on the last two weeks. i'm sensing a pretty big mood shift.

[grant] i'm kind of an all or nothing person. i either feel like shit or i feel amazing.

[grant] so it’s kind of that, but you know, at the same time, i think what we talked about last time and forcing myself to write the inner child letter did work.

[margot] i am very pleased to hear that.

[grant] obviously, i am not fixed, but it gave me the boost i needed to get myself back into gear for now.

[grant] life is still really stressful right now but i'm valuing trying to be on a normal schedule and trying to find some peace and joy wherever possible. i can’t say i understand life or why we’re all here on this planet, but i guess it’s my job to make the best of it, so i will.

[grant] and you know, writing the letter reminded me of something.

[margot] oh really? what did it remind you of?

[grant] well, you asked me to connect with my child self and give them a voice.

[grant] i tried to do that before. just in a very unofficial and not great way.

[margot] were you looking up inner child work online in the past? i know a lot of my clients have talked to me about how present that kind of content is on social media.

[grant] no, that wasn’t it. um, there was just a time in the past like my current situation where everything in my life was going wrong. something pushed me over the edge and i realized i had to fix things, and i could remember in that moment what it was like to be that kid getting hurt all the time by my parents, and it really destroyed me to realize i was doing that to myself.

[grant] but like i said, i didn’t deal with it properly that time. first of all, i didn’t have the right inner child concept to work with. all i recognized were some very, very strong negative feelings. also, i didn’t have the right response to those feelings. i snapped, hit rock bottom for a little bit, and then crawled out of it, shoved an entire life’s worth of pain down, and vowed to become a healthier person. and by a healthier person, i meant a person who just wouldn’t think about all those memories and feelings.

[grant] and that’s how i got sober and stable for eight years straight, a decent streak that only ended with my recent crisis moment.

[margot] would you like to talk about that event from the past?

[grant] not really. the memory of it keeps coming back to me, but i can’t let myself fully remember it. i thought about it when i stood up to päivi. i thought about it when i wrote the inner child letter. and i think i thought about it in one of our sessions. the last one, actually, when you asked me to write that letter and reminded me i can be free if i really work through all this.

[grant] and i thought about it this morning.

[margot] why this morning?

[grant] kelly–uh, my sister–followed me on instagram.

[margot] oh, i thought you were an only child. you’ve never mentioned siblings.

[grant] i have two sisters. they’re both older than me. one of them–the oldest, elizabeth–died from cancer a long time ago.

[margot] i'm so sorry.

[grant] it’s okay. i loved her a lot. more than anything. i really miss her.

[grant] and the other one…

[margot] you aren’t on good terms?

[grant] definitely not. i haven’t even seen kelly in almost a decade. i don’t know why she’d bother following me on social media.

[margot] did she leave you a message or anything?

[grant] she did and i deleted it immediately. i didn’t read it all, not even the first word.

[margot] can i ask why all these different particular things remind you of this event?

[grant] i really don’t want to remember it. just feeling those emotions and the memory of the memory is too much. it was maybe one of the worst days of my life. no, it was the worst day, tied with the day my sister died and the day of her funeral.

[margot] is there anything specific that makes you not want to remember it? or talk about it?

[grant] everything.

[grant] it’s a day no one talks about. no one. my whole family knows about it and it’s never been really brought up in conversation. they might mention it but that's all. we moved past it immediately.

[margot] so, it was really bad.

[grant] yes, and it was the day i graduated from college. that’s supposed to be one of the best days of your life, but no, it was my worst.

[margot] graduation, you said?

[grant] yes.

[margot] i seem to recall you mentioning that you stopped speaking to your parents when you graduated from college. you brought that up briefly when we talked a long time ago about your father reaching out to you and wanting a relationship with you.

[grant] well, you have a good memory.

[grant] it’s also the last time i saw my sister. the one who followed me on social media, i mean.

[margot] sounds like a very complicated situation.

[grant] whatever you think that day was like, make your imagination of it ten times worse.

[margot] what made you mention this memory at all? i'm just curious. you don’t want to talk about it–and that’s okay, i will never demand that of you–but you did bring it up.

[grant] i don’t know, i guess because doing the letter you asked me to write gave me some confidence. my confidence armor is, like, beat to shit and covered in holes, but it’s still going to protect me a little bit. and what about it that made me more confident in myself is that i've dug myself out of deeper holes before and with worse shovels. that day was digging myself out of the deepest circle of hell. anyway, that’s a bad way to describe it but i'm not a writer or anything.

[margot] don’t worry, your descriptions are just fine, i like them. and i know you are resistant to talk about your past in any detail, but yes, from what you’ve told me, things have been worse, and still you have done well for yourself. you’re correct, you can do this, and this time, you can really, genuinely heal. i said that last time, but it’s always good to be reminded of that.

[margot] i have much hope for you and i hope you do as well. i'm pleased to hear you saying that you feel confident in yourself.

[grant] funny, i used to hate that word so much. it made me sick because any hope i had was dashed as a kid. my life was like the ninth circle of hell. but for the last few days, hope has brought me some comfort. it’s hard to explain why my view suddenly shifted but oh well. i think things can be better. hope is the thing with feathers and all that.

[grant] my other sister really liked that poem, by the way. elizabeth. again, i hated that poem just like i hated the word hope, but maybe i kind of like it now. or at least maybe i can actually understand it these days. when my sister was around to read me that, i was too young and too deep in survival mode to grasp the meaning of it.

[margot] it’s a very nice poem. there are a lot of ways to describe hope but i think that one is the best.

[grant] actually, maybe i don’t get the meaning of that poem after all. i don't think i could explain it. i'm no english major. maybe i just like it because of who read it to me.

[margot] well, that’s the thing about poetry. it doesn’t have to be interpreted the same way. you don't need to explain what the author meant. whatever you get out of it is the correct interpretation.

[grant] interesting that you use those words. i just read those same exact words in a letter the other day. it wasn't about poetry but still. that’s turning into a motif for me, i guess.

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #sorry this is kinda long i was having trouble splitting it up #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: grant #hlcn: margot

[holocene-sims]

therapist margot campalans by @mangosimoothie also decided to have a beach day! just a different kind of beach day 👀

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #simblr #ts4 screenshots #ts4 gameplay #sim spice #just in case #also idk what the correct tag is exactly so let me know if sim spice isn't the right tag dfjdfdklfds #holocene.png #hlcn: margot

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

june 25, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] would you also like to talk about your mother? about what she did? in detail, that is?

[grant] i would prefer not to.

[grant] i'm sorry, i feel like i'm kind of wasting your time. the whole time i've been seeing you, the main issue is healing from what my mom did to me, and i haven’t really told you anything other than she hated me and used to scream horrible things at me and beat me.

[grant] i haven't even told you WHAT she used to say to me.

[margot] grant, i am here for you. i want you to open up about certain things eventually so that you can heal and really push through these issues, but i don’t want to rush you. if i sit here and demand you to answer all the questions i could ask you about her, it won’t do anything but re-traumatize you. you’re not wasting time. you’ve made progress. look how quickly you were able to re-stabilize after recent events. do you think you would have stabilized that well if this happened a few years ago?

[grant] i mean, i never would have abused substances again because i was working, so i wouldn’t have done that, but i'd still be an emotional disaster by now. again, not that i'm cured, but i'm taking the best steps possible to heal and move on from my relationship.

[grant] but about my mom, i wish i could just get it all out because it’d be easier.

[grant] god. i don’t know if i ever can open up. it’s too much. sometimes i think something crazy would have to happen for me to fully open up about her.

[margot] like what?

[grant] i don’t know, if pigs learn to fly or if i get put at gunpoint and told to talk.

[margot] i know it is difficult but i believe you can do it when you’re ready.

[grant] i can’t even talk about her with my family.

[margot] how come? is it for the same reasons?

[grant] not quite. i think it’s different. the point is, i don’t talk about her with anybody, and if i do, it’s really surface level and it won’t be for very long.

[grant] i feel like you’re going to ask so i'll go ahead and try to explain. it’s less painful with them because they know everything she did already, so i don’t need to get too deep, and she treated them terribly, too, so there’s a mutual understanding there. it’s more that…

[grant] well, for example, the other day, i was telling my grandparents about the stuff i've been doing in therapy, and i couldn’t bring myself to even name drop my mother in front of my grandmother. it felt wrong, even in the context of trying to say i'm working through my trauma caused by my mom. so, i talked around my mom, but still, i could feel this killer tension immediately come into the room when i hinted at her.

[grant] and it’s not just tension. there’s some really strong emotions there that i can’t read and that’s not just with my grandmother. it’s with everyone. i don’t want to burden or upset her or anyone else. if anyone mentions my mom, it’s like waiting for a bomb to go off. so, uh, i don’t talk about my mom with them.

[margot] is your family the type to talk about their feelings?

[grant] i think so. they always encourage me to share mine.

[margot] so, if you brought up your mom and it, for example, made your grandmother sad, would she tell you that?

[grant] maybe not. she doesn’t like talking about herself.

[margot] sounds familiar. maybe there’s a pattern there. they don’t want to talk about their feelings and their experiences, and you’re modelling that behavior.

[grant] i don’t want to bring them into this.

[margot] does that make you uncomfortable?

[grant] none of this is their fault.

[margot] it’s not about fault. it’s just about recognizing patterns. family systems are interlocked and interconnected. we turn out the way we do in part because of the family system we come from.

[grant] i'm not blaming them. i won’t do it.

[margot] we’re not blaming anyone. it is okay. i'm also not saying your relatives are bad people. they sound like very good people. good people can have maladaptive behaviors, though, like avoiding their feelings or working overtime to protect the feelings of the others in the system.

[grant] right. you know, i also won’t talk about her with my dad, but that’s different, too. we keep running into an issue where we need to talk about her to be able to have a decent relationship but i refuse to do it. thinking about her in-depth is excruciating. put him in the room and all i can do is remember how bad both of them were and it’s an awful feeling. i don’t like feeling literally teleported back to my past, and that's what it's like. so, it’s easier to just avoid it with him, even if it gets in the way of trying to be nice to each other.

[margot] grant…

[grant] my family isn’t coming into this.

[margot] are you afraid that if we talk about your family, you’ll feel like you have to assign blame for something? maybe about your mother’s outcome in life? or maybe about your outcome in life?

[grant] something else is that i've consciously told myself for years not to talk about her. if i were just unconsciously avoiding her, i might be able to talk, but no, i've put those barriers up and i really, really do not want to take them down.

[margot] you really don’t want to acknowledge the potential role of your family, do you?

[grant] i wouldn’t be here without them. i won’t criticize them. that’s betrayal.

[margot] i think you know some of these things are true. again, it doesn’t make your family bad, just like you aren’t inherently a bad person because of your maladaptive behaviors.

[grant] they’ve lived hard lives. most of them. i will never judge them.

[margot] is that the attitude they have towards you? they won’t judge you because you’ve had a hard time in life? if someone in the family is exhibiting a less than ideal behavior, does anyone push them on it?

[grant] we’re loyal to each other no matter what.

[margot] i really don’t think recognizing certain patterns is an issue of betrayal or loyalty. is there a reason you feel that way?

[grant] no. there's not. we just stick together and that's that.

[grant] anyway...

[grant] you know, i also struggle to talk about my mother because i even told her myself i was never talking about her ever again.

[margot] really?

[margot] was this when you saw her last? when you graduated, perhaps?

[grant] it was. i told her i'd think and talk about her so little she might as well be dead.

[margot] these ghosts of the past follow us around as long as we’re unhealed. they’re never really dead to us.

[grant] i wish she were.

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: grant #hlcn: margot

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

june 25, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] before i forget, i got you a few books…

[grant] oh really?

[margot] i give all my trauma patients books at some point. so here you are. these will get you started. the first one is a really great in-depth look at trauma as a historical and inherited process and it's called "it didn't start with you." and the second one is a new book that was recommended to me.

[margot] i'm so glad you happened to mention that the previous exercise worked for you because that second book is a thirty day challenge. maybe start on it the first of july. every day, open it up and do that day’s exercise. each one is different and targets a lot of various topics. some are pretty heavy, some of them are lighter and more fun. i thought you might appreciate that. it’s also a little bit more regimented, since you seem to like having something specific to work on towards versus doing open-ended work.

[grant] i'm actually really surprised "the body keeps the score" isn’t in here. i hear about that one all the time.

[margot] it is an excellent book, but i don’t think that’s the book for you. you’re welcome to read it on your own time, but i'd recommend you don’t.

[grant] why? just curious.

[margot] it’s a very hard-hitting book. my clients who have read it say they struggle to tackle more than a couple pages at a time. most importantly, the main theme of that book is how trauma makes us sick…

[grant] and i have an incurable autoimmune disease because of trauma.

[margot] exactly.

[grant] you know, getting diagnosed with that was the only reason i came to decide i need professional help for my trauma and mental health issues. if i hadn’t, i would have persevered on without help.

[margot] really? i didn't know that was your big reason why.

[grant] if you want the full explanation, i'll give it to you.

[margot] sure, go ahead.

[grant] i've been physically ill for a long time. i remember getting sick right after my oldest sister died. it just came out of nowhere. i woke up and my whole body was nonfunctional for a few days. i couldn’t even get out of bed. no one knew what was wrong with me, though it’s not like my parents even cared. they thought i was being dramatic.

[grant] and then i stayed sick. i can’t remember the last time my body didn’t hurt. but no one listened because i've always remained able to function in daily life until i obviously injured my back at work. then finally a doctor had to put me through imaging instead of dismissing me.

[grant] and what do you know, they were stunned to see such a severe case of my disease. they told me that people my age with my disease don’t usually have half their spine fused together already. i guess that’s more common when you get older, like middle age and up, but mine was already terrible. it was so bad they made me go see a functional medicine doctor to figure out why. of course it was trauma and inflammation.

[grant] that information didn't make me ecstatic. i've been through the ringer, some of it my fault and some of it not, but i got mad at myself and wondered i could have avoided getting sick if i'd done better and been nicer to myself and my body, or if things had been different in my life.

[margot] precisely why you don’t need that book. you already know that trauma makes you sick. all that book is going to do is make you feel worse. we can’t go back in time and undo the damage. you’ll only further resent that your health was destroyed and resentment is already such a troubling part of trauma.

[margot] there are some great passages or quotes in there, but it’s not worth it. i could easily just give you the good cuts out of it.

[grant] well, thank you so much for these. i really appreciate it. i'll for sure start on the thirty day thing first thing next month. any recommendations for how to do it?

[margot] no, you just answer the prompts or do the exercises however you see fit, and you can do whatever you need to get you thinking or ready to write. the only thing i'd maybe recommend is getting yourself a nice journal to write everything in. my clients said it was a lot more impactful to have something dedicated for it instead of typing it or putting it on a random loose sheet of paper.

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #we're in the brief phase i like to call 'establishing backstory mode' #i mean okay backstory is ALWAYS important here but jgkfdjgklfdgd #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: grant #hlcn: margot

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

june 11, 2021 2:10 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] i think her cheating on you is the closest reminder you’ve had to your childhood in a very long time and it drove you to repeat old patterns. i know we haven’t gotten very far into the conversation about your childhood itself because it’s extraordinarily painful for you but you’ve told me a lot about your adulthood. we both know that your physical and mental health problems come from your childhood and that your poor coping mechanisms come from a place of trying to quiet your hurt. you just said it yourself a moment ago. and last time i saw you, you did make a few references between päivi and your childhood.

[margot] so here’s how it seems in my eyes. when you were growing up, your parents failed to do their job as parents by proving for your needs and you were grossly abused by your mother. she would hit you, scream at you, say the worst things imaginable right to your face...and then she would make you feel like a fool when you finally lashed out in return, didn’t she? and what did päivi do? she failed to meet your needs as your partner by meeting hers outside of your relationship and she tried to suppress your feelings when you expressed them. she hit you, she screamed at you, she said things that should never be spoken…

[margot] it is not a surprise that you might find comfort in what you used to comfort yourself a long time ago. päivi’s actions were the perfect formula to put you right back in the darkest periods of your life. she mirrored the abuse that you suffered through and it made you feel the exact same way.

[grant] totally makes sense but somehow i think this just makes me feel worse.

[margot] why do you say that?

[grant] sorry we're just repeating the same conversation from last time. but i've worked really hard to get better and i feel like an idiot for still being able to go back there so easily. i shouldn’t be able to do that with no problem.

[margot] you’re not an idiot. the unfortunate thing is just that trauma will show up in every part of your life and in some sense, it will appear for an eternity. in the right circumstances, anyone and everyone can slip back into the thick of it. that doesn’t mean it won’t get better, though, or that you haven’t already! obviously, you have gotten better! you’re sober, you admitted in the last few months that you needed real professional help and medication for your mental health, and you’re alive. and guess what else? you stood up for yourself against päivi. maybe you did slip back into old habits and darker times but you defended yourself in a way you were never able to in the past.

[margot] you continue to get better and you always will because you care to. if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be upset that you relapsed. if you didn’t care, you might still be in the relapse instead of stopping it early like you did. if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be here.

[margot] i'm pivoting angles here, but i think you should ponder for a moment about who you were when you suffered through the trauma that affects you today. who were you? you were a...?

[grant] a child. i was a child. just...a kid.

[margot] don’t you think that kid might be very proud of the person sitting here today?

[grant] i, um…

[margot] and don’t you love that kid? or feel bad for them? or want them to be happy? or all of the above?

[grant] yes. of course i do.

[margot] there are a million reasons to not feel like an idiot and to forgive yourself for a temporary thing, but the number one reason is because that child is still you.

[grant] right.

[margot] when we grow up, especially in hostile conditions, we lose track of our past selves. we learn to detach from who we were as a child to protect ourselves, to distance ourselves from the pain and from the missed opportunities of our childhoods. if you remember that child, the one who suffered and created your maladjusted adult self, you can restore a sense of empathy and love for yourself and re-parent them, and you’ll heal who you are in the present.

[margot] when you were a kid, what did you think about the future?

[grant] that it–oh jesus christ, i don’t want to cry again already–um, that it didn’t exist. i thought i'd be stuck in that house with my parents forever or that i wouldn’t exist anymore and i'd just disappear out of nowhere. i didn’t dare dream of anything for myself beyond childhood. i couldn't. not until i was much older.

[margot] you gave yourself the future you never imagined. forget for a moment all of the bad things that have ever happened and remember all the good things you’ve experienced beyond your childhood. and then remember that child again. remember what it felt like to be them.

[margot] i don’t think they would ever hold the bad against you. so you shouldn’t either. i think they would be immensely proud of the life you have given them. and as i said, that child is still you. everything you gave to the past version of yourself was given to your current real self, too, and nothing is changed or destroyed by the bad or by temporary relapses or whatever else troubles you. you are still in a better place than long ago and you have a future beyond this future.

[margot] you said you were reevaluating things. so reevaluate your life if you’d like, but not without this framework. so if you see this period after the end of your relationship as a time of renewal, think of it as the start of another future. the next one has even greater potential to be exactly what you want it to be. when you work on yourself and free yourself from where trauma bonds you and controls you, you have all the power to create a version of you and your life that you want. you’ve done it before and you can do it again now.

[margot] besides, if you need any further evidence why you should forgive yourself and keep going: every time you choose to value yourself and your future, you’re rebelling against what your mother wanted you to do. she wanted you to feel worthless and to feel like you have no future and like you’re fundamentally broken. the way you feel about all this–like you’ve ruined something, like you have no worth, and i assume like your life has come to a halt again–is the echo of her words. don’t let those thoughts drive you because they were never yours and never correct in the first place.

[grant] you’re right. no, you’re right about everything.

[margot] would you like a tissue?

[grant] please. thank you.

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #hlcn: grant #hlcn: margot #holocene.docx #holocene.png

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

june 11, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

grant arrives promptly as always for his biweekly therapy session with margot campalans but when he checks in with the receptionist, she lets him know margot will be a few minutes late. something about mistakenly locking herself out of her car while picking up coffee. he’s allowed into the room early to wait–margot’s instructions, apparently–and is left to his own devices. so he sits there in the lavender-scented room alone, pondering on all the thoughts swirling in his head and deciding which ones to bring up in today’s session.

when thinking begins to stress him out, he fishes out his phone and scrolls through his notifications idly. he makes it to the end and once again, the now ancient email from his master’s advisor waits for a reply or any hint of care in the world. he sees it and immediately, a cold sweat breaks out across his forehead.

without a second though, grant opens up a safari tab and navigates to his university’s website. it takes a few moments to load, then a few longer when he tries to log in, anxiously mistyping his password multiple times. nothing about the website is well-designed but he manages to find his enrollment status soon enough and he submits a request to drop out.

the very moment it goes through, grant sighs in deep, instant relief.

it was a mistake to apply, no matter how convinced of it he’d been a few months ago.

grad school isn’t him. no, it’s not. all he wants is–

“hello grant! i am so sorry. today’s lesson for everyone is to always check on your car keys!”

margot dashes into the room with a half-empty iced coffee, announced by the jingle of car keys, sharp high heel clicks on the hardwood floor, and a bit of breathlessness.

“been there done that. but don’t worry about it, it’s no problem! you’re not that late anyway. i hope you weren’t locked out for very long.”

“oh no, not very long!” she says and shakes her head, pausing to throw her purse behind her desk and then to take a seat across from him in her pink chair. “there was a very nice young man leaving the coffee shop who saw that i looked, well, panicked. he said he worked at the photography studio next door and was on break, so he offered to help me. as it turns out, some types of car locks can be undone with a shoe lace. my question is how do you learn that skill.”

grant’s jaw drops. “wait, wait, a guy who can unlock a car with a shoe lace and works at a photography studio? there is a 99.99% chance i know him. no, actually, i definitely know him because that’s a very specific set of traits.”

“he said his name was henry.”

“knew it.” grant suddenly laughs. “yeah, no, so he’s my childhood best friend. we grew up together and we’re basically family. small world, eh? anyway, i know how he knows about that trick because i also know. it’s a long story, though.”

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: margot #hlcn: grant

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

may 28, 2021 2:30 p.m. newcrest counseling center

(tw for violence mention)

[grant] i guess, um...on a related note…

[margot] yes! what are you thinking?

[grant] every time i've talked to her since the night she first told me about all this has been a disaster. we’ve tried talking about it or just talking to each other and...it’s a hot mess.

[margot] in what way?

[grant] just the way she treats me. i already mentioned it earlier but she got mad when i expressed being upset after she broke the news to me. since then, it’s like she’s chasing me around trying to catch me in a conversation to force me to change my mind about things. she's very aggressive about it and acts like she wants me to just gloss over everything and forget it all happened.

[margot] what happened the first time when you were expressing your feelings?

[grant] i don't want to relive the whole thing but let's just say that i told her i was not happy with her and couldn't believe what she did. then i asked if i could leave to be alone for a while and she got, like, outrageously angry.

[grant] and then she, um...she hit me.

[margot] she assaulted you?

[grant] yes.

[grant] she apologized later. and i guess she seemed upset with herself over it. i don’t remember. i blocked it out. a lot of it. i remember everything up to her hitting me and then everything is super fuzzy after that.

[grant] but an apology isn’t really enough. like no, you hit me. and not only did you hit me but you did that totally with the full knowledge that i was physically abused as a child. that shit was targeted. she knew it would freak me out! sorry doesn’t cut it, even if she did feel bad, and it doesn't even matter because her apology was still, you know, like she was trying to convince me to forget it. you know, there’s a reason i refused to break up with her until it got to be too much. i was afraid of her.

[grant] but that’s a different thing. i stood up myself in the end so whatever. i brought this up because i don’t know, i guess because i feel like i didn't get any decent answers out of her ever but i'm also really not sure why she’s acting like this. i've never seen her like this at all. she can be mean but not like this. this is different. i don't understand the cheating and i don't understand all this.

[margot] i think you may have answered your own question.

[margot] it’s very possible she’s actually upset with herself about the cheating and is lashing out to protect herself. and maybe she’s also desperately trying to save the relationship, even if her approach is deeply disturbing. but no matter what her reasoning is, it will never excuse her behavior and i'm horrified to hear she resorted to physical violence. that’s terrible and i am so sorry you experienced that.

[margot] is she still living with you? because–

[grant] i don’t think she’d do it again, if you’re worried about my safety. i really don’t. she’s done some crazy stuff recently but i just can’t see her doing that a second time. she won’t do it after i stood up to her. i know she acted that way because she knows i'm a pushover and she guessed she could get her way with me. i think i proved her wrong.

[grant] but for now, she is still at the house. she said she’d be gone in a few weeks once she got things taken care of. i know if i told like 99% of my friends and family that i didn’t kick her out, they’d think i was delusional, but i'm just not that kind of person. maybe that’s me being a literal doormat in the end anyway but i don’t know. it would be cruel to do that. so what if she’s treated me like shit the last two weeks? i'm not going to stoop to the same level or act like her or whatever. i'm not going to throw her out of the house when she doesn’t have anywhere to go and kind of doesn’t know a single person here in the state of michigan who isn’t my relative or my friend. her people are in another country. she’d be homeless or in a hotel and that’s…

[grant] you know, i still love her. that’s probably obvious. i do love her. i love her enough that i'm completely heartbroken over our relationship even though she’s done everything in the world to run me off. she fucked me over, ruined our relationship all by herself...but i still love her. i didn’t propose to her for nothing. i didn’t get excited about our future and about moving in together for nothing. loving her was something i wanted. and i know enough about her to believe she’s not an evil person. i have zero empathy for my mom but i have it for päivi because i know what the better side of her is like. i also think this version of her right now isn’t her at all. i don’t know what it is but it isn’t her. and, um, sue me, i guess, but i'm not trying to give people a real taste of their own medicine. i want her out of my life immediately so i can heal and move on with life the best i can but i don’t want to ruin her life or hurt her.

[grant] and i'm sure this sounds like i'm completely spineless and a raging idiot and you’d probably disagree with me for saying all this but this is what me making my own decisions looks like. i do want her gone. i will never forgive her. i'm not making excuses for her or letting her get away with cheating and mistreatment. i'm still afraid of her and i don't even know if i can explain how much it hurts to have been betrayed like this. but for my own sake, i'm being as cordial as possible. i don’t want to see her, i don’t want to talk to her, but yelling at her and cutting her out was enough. it doesn’t bring me any joy to lash out at her or get revenge. i just want this to end.

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #disclaimer: domestic violence in any format is BAD and i am pro punching people who punch you #disclaimer 2: this is very much fictional and grant's decisions are not meant to be reflective of best practice #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: margot #hlcn: grant

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

may 28, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] grant, i am very sorry.

[margot] there are so many things i want to talk to you about but i want a few things to be clear, okay? the trauma of infidelity is serious and the way you feel is valid, so do not ever feel like you’re overreacting or that this should be squared away by breaking up with her. the confusion, the anger, sadness...all very rational responses to hurt. and these emotions and the relapsing, all of those things, are not a failure on your part. you haven’t undone years of progress in this moment. it’s easy to feel like a blip in healing is life-ruining but it’s not. you should be proud instead that you recognized the spiraling and were able to recover. it sounds like you knew you were hurting yourself and so you stopped.

[margot] and you should also be proud that you expressed your boundaries with päivi. i know that creating and enforcing boundaries is something you have a lot trouble with. you’ve talked to me about that and how uncomfortable it is for you to use your voice. i, for one, am very pleased with your continued progress. even though you’ve just gone through something traumatic and feel like you’ve gone backwards, i think you’ve actually done yourself a lot of good. you’ve overcome hurdles that have impeded you historically.

[margot] and the other important thing i have to say first is that it’s not your fault that she cheated. you don’t have an explicit explanation from her, so who knows what she’s thinking now or what she thought back in march. you don’t know and of course, it’s almost impossible to avoid wondering about it and questioning yourself, but you can’t subject yourself to that kind of pain. and why? why might that be?

[grant] i'll never figure it out and it’s a waste of my time and energy?

[margot] well, yes, that’s part of it. reflecting is okay but that isn’t reflecting. that’s getting caught up in it. you're right. but what i was really thinking is this…

[margot] you can’t subject yourself to that constant worry about what happened because, well, even if she comes to you and tells you exactly why and that reason is something to do with you in her eyes...you aren’t the one who cheated, so you are not at fault for the infidelity. cheating is a choice and it’s not a choice that you made. if you didn’t cheat, you aren’t at fault.

[grant] but what if it actually is my fault?

[margot] give me an example of what you think you could be at fault for.

[grant] um…

[grant] i don’t know, i guess...the first rational thing i can think of is what happened over the last year. i always want to blame myself and say it’s, you know, i'm a burden or something but i know that’s not fair to myself to say. that’s lifelong trauma talking. but i wouldn’t blame her and i'd get it if recent events were what burdened her.

[grant] you already know everything because i've processed all this with you but...you know, we’d been dating for a couple years, then i found out i have a serious autoimmune disorder and that i needed surgery and that it’d, like, take months for me to recover and i'd probably need supervision. that’s not something i could get in los angeles, not really. päivi offered to let me move in but we both knew it wasn’t going to work with her work schedule and what i needed. so i left, moved in with my grandparents, and so päivi and i were long distance until december of last year. in that period things were kind of a mess. i was not a super available partner because i was not doing well and she was having a hard time with life also. but our relationship was still really, really strong. or i felt like it was.

[grant] i–

[grant] when i think back, i can’t even make a case for that being the reason.

[grant] it was very stressful for both of us but she was the one who encouraged me to leave to take care of myself. she helped pack up my apartment when i left. she came all the way out to michigan by herself when i had surgery to stay with me and my family a few days to make sure i was okay. she was really supportive the whole time and she made it clear she didn’t have a problem with me being a little less available. and then when i told her i was staying here and going to find a new job here, she was okay with that and she said she would like to move in with me. our relationship got even more serious from that point.

[grant] and like i said, i knew she was also having a really hard time because something was going on with her work situation and she was feeling very homesick and even more lonely because she didn’t have many friends in america besides me. i tried to support her, you know? i called her as much as i could and checked in on her often. i used to send her, like, gifts or money for food to try and cheer her up. i couldn’t take her on dates, you know, so i tried to replicate it or i would tell her about all the plans i wanted make when i could see her again. i'm sure i could have done more but she tended to insist i did too much. but i don't know. i mean, last year was, like, the second time in life i've been at absolute rock bottom. i could have been too absorbed in my own issues.

[grant] but that doesn’t seem right either. i guess this being the reason only makes sense in my eyes if the stress carried over somehow, if she was lying to me, or if she has late regrets about things. what i remember from then doesn’t match up with what’s happening now. so i can’t find an obvious reason. never mind. that’s it. i can’t even think of anything else rational unless i'm missing something.

[margot] i know you want to blame yourself but you shouldn’t. even if you could come up with a rational reason, it just isn’t worth it to beat yourself up about it. if you did do something wrong to her or she was unhappy with the relationship, that is something to handle after you address the cheating itself and work on healing yourself. you aren’t there yet, so it’s best to keep that out of your mind as much as you can for now.

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #simblr #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #hlcn: everything the stars promised #sorry for the long text but this was all necessary #holocene.png #holocene.docx #hlcn: margot #hlcn: grant

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

may 28, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[feat. margot campalans by @mangosimoothie ❤️]

[grant] i know, i know. i don’t even mind crying. i love crying. kinda. it’s cathartic. but i think it’s better if i cry about the real problems and not about…

[grant] okay, no, what i want to cry about is also a problem. i have lots of problems, to be honest. i really am on the struggle bus. like glued onto a seat in the struggle bus. and the bus is on fire.

[margot] you know, the person after you for the three p.m. appointment canceled. if you’d like, you’re welcome to stay until four and chat for an extra hour. free session and the billing department will never have to know! some secrets are okay, shhh.

[margot] so what’s been going on?

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #simblr #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #hlcn: everything the stars promised #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: margot #hlcn: grant #margot my beloved <3

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

may 28, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

(tw for suicide mention)

[grant] do you mind if i rant? because, um, my fiancee cheated on me. i'm definitely going to rant.

[margot] go ahead!

[grant] she cheated and then i broke up with her. i had to. i could barely find the strength to do it but i had to. i can’t stay with someone i don’t trust.

[grant] and i–um, it’s really messing with me. i don’t know if i have ever been so angry in my entire life. like i do not get angry. i don’t. it takes a lot for me to feel that way. the last time i was this mad, it was...no, i'm not going there. but i am furious right now. also really depressed and anxious and afraid of her but that’s kind of fading by now and all i feel is that rage just, like, simmering inside.

[grant] and that’s not even it! i don’t know why she did it. she didn’t explain it to me. maybe it’s not necessary, like i guess she doesn’t owe me that, but why? why cheat on me? it’d be nice to have an explanation! i thought…

[grant] i really thought things were okay with us. she seemed happy. at least i thought she was. she told me she was. i was definitely happy. i mean, we bought a house together, we had all these plans for the future with the house and our wedding, and...it’s just...it’s over.

[grant] i mean it. i thought things were okay, nothing gave me mixed signals...but then she comes to me two weeks ago and tells me she cheated on me with her best friend–who, by the way, i met for the first time in march. her friends came to visit from finland and she was telling me how excited she was for me to meet them and that they wanted to meet this guy she was so in love with. and then she FUCKED one of them behind my back and apparently got pregnant. i had dinner with this guy and we were nice to each other! how are you going to sit at a table with me and then fuck my fiancee? and then she waited months to tell me about this, like waited until she couldn’t hide it anymore. i feel for her, i do, but i don’t know, honesty would be nice!

[grant] and there’s more. there’s all the stupid conversations we’ve had since then. there’s all the thoughts i have. i can’t stop thinking about this, like it’s infesting me. i've totally temporarily ruined my life over it. i relapsed, was binge drinking and stealing benadryl from her to either sleep or overdose and i was, i think, feeling suicidal again. i've had regular PTSD flashbacks to my childhood. i've isolated myself and mostly stopped talking to my family and friends since i saw them last week. and then the stress has made my chronic illness so much worse. even though i stopped a lot of this, i still feel like reset all the progress i've ever made with myself over this one thing.

[grant] but how could i not, like, self-destruct over this? the person i wanted to marry…

[grant] i love her with every fiber of my being and trusted her with my entire heart and i wanted to be her husband more than anything...

[grant] but she betrayed me, hated me when i got upset with her, and basically gaslit me. though she’s never been like that. sometimes she’s a little mean but she’s never...no, she’s never treated me that way. not really.

[grant] and i don’t know what i did. i must have done something for her to betray me. i keep trying to figure it out. either last year was too much or i was doing something wrong or not a good enough partner...or...

[grant] i don’t understand. i don’t know what i did wrong.

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #simblr #ts4 screenshots #sims 4 story #hlcn: everything the stars promised #this made me so sad fjdsjfsdklfs #grant...my poor sweet boy... #holocene.png #holocene.docx #hlcn: margot #hlcn: grant

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

may 28, 2021 4:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[grant] i, um...i really appreciate the long chat today. i mean, i know it’s your job and i'm paying you so it’s not a big deal i'm sure, but it means a lot to me. i needed this a lot more than i realized. it’s been two hours and i already feel like i've come to a lot of conclusions. i'm not cured or over this, obviously, but it helped just having someone to rant to and get it all out. i've been holding it all in and trying to figure it out on my own, so i had so much on my mind that i couldn’t think clearly about things. some of the conclusions i found today were some i was coming to on my own but it’s hard to stick to them when you haven’t voiced them.

[margot] it is a big deal! thank you again for coming. i'm glad this was helpful for you. i didn’t spend a whole lot of today talking but that’s okay. often sitting down and venting all of your thoughts and feelings is the right approach. that’s what you needed and i'm thrilled you got that today. i hope the rest of your day is good and that you continue to be kind to yourself and make the best decisions for you and you alone.

[grant] thank you. you as well. have a wonderful day and weekend! and i'll see you again in two weeks, i guess?

[margot] absolutely! i will see you june 11th at 2:00 p.m. stay safe.

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #simblr #ts4 screenshots #sims 4 story #hlcn: everything the stars promised #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: margot #hlcn: grant #AHHHHHHHHH #things are happening