#hi there's zero context for this bc thats all in my brain and i dont expect You'll have much of a reaction in you beyond an Ok cool thanks

[halewitzka]

god damn it why is my brain hellbent on making me feel nothing but foggy paralysis

I keep sitting there in a state of weird suspension because I want to tell a group of people I barely if ever speak to that I hung out with them for a week and now I love them all so much and I miss them and how can all of you just return to life so easily as if you're not caught up in the blues?

But I can't actually DO it because I'd make myself way too vulnerable by admitting that I love that easily, and strongly, and I'm terrified that it's not reciprocated at this intensity. It'll be weird and awkward and I'll be clingy and overattached because I needed the escapism of a week on a dusty campground that badly.

I know it's all in my head. But I still can't tell my friends that I love them, and I keep sitting here in limbo until I do because the sensation of it and the need to say it are holding my brain hostage to the point where I can do nothing else.

Blergh blargh graahh

#i keep just hearing one of them tell me #us making you part of our bro club really meant more to you than you want to admit huh #and i keep thinking YES FFS it meant the world and i love you okay but i cant fucking TELL YOU #because i dont know how to #and it would be supremely awkward to just bust in the door like #hi there's zero context for this bc thats all in my brain and i dont expect You'll have much of a reaction in you beyond an Ok cool thanks #but i really fucking miss talking nonsense with you while we're drunk off our faces and you mean a lot to me now #even though we've never really spoken much before and i dont expect us to now because bruh what would we even talk about #i sure as hell dont know i just miss you and i miss the way i got to be part of a little trio for a week #because i just dont have that in my life #i miss the illusion that i can just have a friendship like that because missing it now is very clearly showing me that i dont #i want someone who’s going to call me a dumbass and a loser and then hug me like they love me so much #and there's no one #and i know the camp guys dont either. not beyond that week and the 2 day blues after #im lonely man

[noeggets]

i had to make your question pg bc we dont say bad words here

anyway not really rocking with the idea of Ciel messing with Vile let alone anyone she's too good of a person like X to mess with anyone shes more of a sit back and take it kind of girl but thats just me

I like Zero in the Zero series so i feel like we can have Ciel still find Zero and also Have Vile there i think he was gonna be in the Zero series but the idea was dropped

I feel like VIle in the resistance would be like ya know HIMSELF and Ciel being the kind person she is would never stop giving up on him and thats how they would become a friends she would be the only person he tolerates and she would despite how brash and loud and angry he seems she would eventually feel comfortable around him when he lets her in

I think the only way Vile would let someone like Ciel in is he would have to pity he or she would have to help his deepest seeded problem or help him cope with whatever that is be it his faulty build because Vile isn't this way for no reason even if he was in the Zero series he would still be the same Vile from the X series so his brain is still not all put together right

(If you dont know what im talking about dont worry about it)

Ciel is the smartest child to ever exist (partly because im on board with the idea shes a cyborg child BUT THATS JUST ME) so she would see through the fact Vile isn't spiteful for no reasons he's like a cat he's angry because he's scared or confused probably both and that would be the leading reason for her to be friend him

AGAIN this is all how i would have it it's just my thoughts on what you had to say this was a little out of context for me i drew VIle and Ciel yes but i didnt mean anything by it like this

#q #anons

[helianthusrex]

so xmas was.... something.... 

i guess

beach dint turn out bc it was so dang crowded there wasnt any parking avail (not surprised at all thats fine i wanted 2 go just bc my ma was so stoked ab going; im the weirdo that lives in florida but has zero interest in beaches)

we ate outside the condo parents borrowed from some fancypants coworker of my das 4 the wk, next 2 the pool thing

sun was nice, breeze was nice, i dint have 2 wear beach gear in front of millions of strangers, was a win 4 me

was relaxing & shit

chase & x left after a while 2 go do chases fam obligation bc they Would Not Stop Bugging Him the whole dang wk in spite of his telling them that my parents were only gonna b here a limited time & its been almost 10 yrs since we seen them & we have 2 deal w his parents constantly & they get 2 see us a lot even when we dont want 2 (but hey what the fuck is courtesy right) & x went with 2 give chase some support

ma called my granma 2 do HER fam obligation (their relationship is super fucking strained @ this point 4 a ton of reasons that aint worth getting into)

i got the joy of hearing the conversation (bc ma puts phone on speaker) & like, my hearing is shit but i could hear enough words & tone & brain could supply the rest bc its shit ive heard bf 2 tell from context (& get confirmation ab after the fact later to fill in the rest)

which uhhhhhhhh

uhhhh

amounted 2 things i wasnt surprised 2 b hearing but

rly killed me & i keep thinking ab it &

boy did it sure “help” the depression im already mired in

cw 4 a shit ton of misgendering & other gross dysphoria & abuse bs

factsrok i had a fun experience i had 2 go outside so i wouldnt have complete melt down & scream my head off ecks oh your parents buggin hard? factsrok no my ma called my granma but had her on speaker loud enough i could hear enough so i heard granma constantly using wrong pronouns & dead name & talking loudly ab how "she was never like this bf jerry (birth da)'s ex wife got ahold of her (aka abuse turned me gay & trans)" & on & on in that mein how "she missed her little grandaughter" etc etc & in general how awful this was 4 HER etc ecks jesus fucking christmas crackers factsrok yeah real punch in the nuts ecks sit on a cactus and spin, grandma do you need us to come get you or anything factsrok & she wonders why i never wanna talk 2 her nah i talked w them after ma hung up on her & im mostly ok enough ecks ok /hugs factsrok hugs back im not gonna let her bs ruin what was a good time we watching a crimmus story & chillin ecks good im watchin chase's mom roll out plates to poison me factsrok oh lord ecks they all wanted to know where you were chase mentioned that mom deffo wanted to see us (the usual cutesy misgendering) for giving us stuff factsrok dying a slow death of being reminded who i cant b 2 ppl who should have my back lol & lol ofc ecks u da bes good sof boi & i will FITE factsrok ilu2 thank

so not only did i get fun 1st hand dysphoria meltdown from that

but x had a grate time wrt the usual bs @ chases parents bc they always do the same even tho they know we both trans dudes as well but either conveniently ignore/forget it or just plain refuse 2 acknowledge it as if by sheer repetition of she/her & “you girls” etc they can force us 2 be something else

our gifts were 2 sets of extremely girly matchy match pj sets that dont even fit (like, not by a long shot, these r obvs made 4 for-reals little smol girls........)

& that was def triggering as hell 4 me, idk ab x

i kept & keep thinking ab how much of a doll my ex step ma made me into

or how its HI-FUCKING-LARIOUS only not that the jokes on my granma i was queer as fuck bf any of the abuse ever happened)

its uh

its rly jarring also & honestly im afraid of when im going 2 reach my boiling point bc i can feel it coming, have felt it 4 a long time but never been brave enough

ive come a long way; confrontation has never been a thing i can do; like trying 2 grab electricity & hold it or some dumb shit like that

but i feel like i could, like i can, like i will if someone fucking does this 2 me again

i dont want 2 ruin things & make it worse 4 my parents or 4 chase

bc it wont change anything 2 yell @ either my granma or chases parents (or even not 2 yell but 2 counter whatever they say calmly

just the ACT of telling them 2 their face they r wrong, they r crushing me, they r killing me slowly each time they do this bullshit

it wont end well 4 any1 involved

but i cant take it any longer either

happy fucking holidays 2 us i guess

#a sunflower says the thing 2k17 #a sunflowers adventures 2k17 #sunflower healthcare 2k17 #queued sunflower things