#hell i still get a lot of euphoria from confusing people honestly. i cant meaningfully be misgendered bc youre either right or funny

[silverislander]

i have a weird relationship w the way i look bc on the one hand luckily i don't have very bad dysphoria, i don't get it abt a lot of stuff and it's not smth that's constant either i'm very lucky that way. but also. i know that w my body and my face and my voice i am never going to look a way that makes other people perceive me as what i am and that feels. really bad. but also i don't deserve to feel bad abt that bc i have features that are conventionally attractive. but also i hate them

#its not even that i want to change myself for the most part. its that i wish i could change how other people read those parts of me #the only thing i wish i could change is my chest and having periods and thats partially bc its inconvenient #almost everything else is habitual. clothes/hair/the way i walk and move/etc #but just. the second people hear me talk they read me as a woman and it makes me want to fucking scream #and i have a v round 'feminine' face so like. its that x2. i get read as a teenage girl all the fucking time #and i like those things abt myself!! i like my voice and the way i look #i wish people just. wouldnt assume at all. i wish i could fucking confuse them actually i wish they couldnt tell anything #as a kid i read a lot of 'girl dresses as a boy to do xyz' and i always loved those stories #not bc i /wanted to be/ a boy (trust me ive fuckin questioned that lmao) but bc like. the freedom to pick and move around between #being able to get people to recognize you as what you want to be. being both and neither and smth else entirely #hell i still get a lot of euphoria from confusing people honestly. i cant meaningfully be misgendered bc youre either right or funny #idk! idk. its a very first world problem i know but im never going to be seen as the me that exists inside my head #and i think im allowed to be a little sad abt it #levi.txt