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regrettablewritings · 7 years

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Dating Wade Wilson Would Include

AN: This is going to be a bit more perverse than the other Would Includes because, hey, it’s Wade.

Being very confused when he starts talking to no-one and looking elsewhere tells the audience about how awesome and badass he is

You will get used to it, you have no other choice really

Sometimes you will also jokingly throw in something you want him to narrate (like how amazing you think he is or something that makes you seem wonderful)

This will always, without fail, result in Wade turning back to no-one the audience so he can gush about how wonderful you are

Chances are, you met because he was out doing as Deadpool does: wrecking havoc getting the job done with a few unpredictable setbacks on construction, property damages, and people being alive

You won’t even let him convince you otherwise, but you might’ve been a bit scared when you first saw him

“Might” meaning you definitely were -- the dude had just shoved a katana through a thug when he noticed you, frozen in place, and practically vomited up hearts and butterflies

He then had the audacity man-sized balls of courage and boldness audacity to waltz (skip) right up to you as if nothing had happened and try to strike up a charming conversation

Once you got over the initial shock and scrambled away, he wanted to follow but wound up having to stay behind and deal with un-aliving some other punks

You’re not even sure how Wade tracked you down after that because all he ever offers is “the plot demands it”

Once you got over his beyond bizarre mannerisms, though, and allowed yourself to let your guard down a bit and talk to him, however, you found out he could be pretty harmless in regards to those he wanted to establish a connection of sorts with

“The most pain I cause to you is making your gut hurt from laughing so much! . . . That is, until we finally get into BDSM --”

Once he got over the pain established by the slap to the face, he asked if you wouldn’t mind applying that same treatment to his ass.

Geez, Wade, keep it in your jumpsuit.

“No!”

Crude jokes

This can go a few ways, depending on how comfortable you are with Wade’s sense of humor

If you, too, are a connoisseur of crudeness then congratulations: You just found out what you guys spend an uncanny amount of time doing when not doing . . . other things

If you’re not that into it, Wade will respect this but still lapse into it out of habit. It’s a part of his character, though, so don’t expect him to completely forgo it. He’ll just try to avoid using his alpha-level stuff and try to keep it at a beta level.

But if you humor him every once in a while and throw in your own nasty language, you swear you can see him blushing even through the red of his mask

Speaking of which, for as confident and bold as he appeared at first, you quickly came to realize that this was more or less a front to an extent when Wade refused to remove his mask

It would take a while for him to even so much as lift it up for you to see his infamous mouth

Honestly, there’s a possibility that he won’t let you see the entirety of his face unless an argument started up out of you, yet again, asking “what the big deal is.”

To be honest, you are startled. But only for a moment.

As you told him, “I’ve seen worse; usually on the people who’ve gotten on your bad side.”

He enthusiastically attempts to make chimichangas in celebration but winds up burning them on accident from being too eager

Putting his crayon drawings on the fridge

“Wow, I love the direction of blood-splatter in this one, Hun!” “Knew you would! I used a vermilion crayon for that part -- real delicacy amongst the Crayola Clan.”

Meeting Blind Al a handful of times, but mostly only in the brief stints where Wade actually takes you back to his place

Wade much prefers going to your place because it’s nice and cozy

And because your place has a stove and oven that have yet to be damaged by his cooking antics

And because at the end of a long, rough day of slaughtering, it feels nice to be surrounded by your scent and essence as it envelopes him in a softness he hasn’t experienced since his time before he became the Merc with a Mouth if you guys decide to get down and dirty, he gets to annoy an entirely new set of neighbors and avoid getting heckled at by Al. And on that note . . .

Sex: Once again, this can go a variety of ways, depending on your feelings towards the subject.

If you’re all for it (and have seen the movie), then you can have a pretty good idea of what you’re probably in for. Good luck and be safe.

If you’re not entirely put off by it but prefer to wait, Wade will be understanding (maybe even teasing and gently calling you a “precious little lamby-poo”). But he’s still going to occasionally test the waters. This will include walking around shirtless (especially after a shower), making loud and obnoxious yet still somehow appealing noises when he stretches or exercises, throwing in perverted jokes, asking you for porn recommendations, etc. However, he’ll keep it to a minimum if he feels you’re getting uncomfortable.

If you’re not that into it, if at all, Wade may honestly be put off. At first. Eventually, he’ll decide that while sex is something he very much enjoys, he also very much enjoys having you around to love and love him right back. Besides, that just means he gets to experiment more with toys!

Lots of pancakes and Mexican food

Just. A lot.

You’re gonna be crapping like a goose quite often, just sayin’

Arguments, while not necessarily common, still happen. And they’re usually the result of you accusing Wade of not taking things seriously

Wade’s entire approach to life relies heavily on casting humor in everything -- even if he doesn’t always feel it. But it’s a facade that’s helped him, if not other people, and he’s so used to looking out for himself that it just makes sense to keep on doing things this way.

Unfortunately, sometimes he gets a little too out of hand and can feel immature.

Fights usually end with you leaving to cool off and him stewing alone with the voices and the audience. Eventually, one or the other (usually the voices) remind him that he’s not a lone wolf anymore and that he needs to consider other people again. To which he winds up having a montage about you and feels awful and oh my god, (Y/N), I’m so sorry, please let me treat you to some froyo and then I’ll let you tie me up and you can do whatever you want with me even if it means watching that shitty Green Lantern movie with that punk, Ryan Reynolds, and --

You have to demand for him to get down from the Starbucks counter that he’s decided to give his proclamation and apologies from about ten times before he realizes you’re about to kick his ass

Fights coming from Wade, however, are when you know you’ve messed up. They rarely happen but when they do, 9/10 it’s about your safety

Yeah, it’s cheesy and cliche, but you know what else is cliche? The protagonist’s love interest getting hurt or killed because of him. And Wade isn’t about to go through that again.

He only really gets like this when a new threat has become present in the city’s underbelly, though, so for the most part, he’s cool

Learning your way around certain weapons

From his days as a regular-looking merc to the current days where he’s a merc who looks like he’d rubbed his face in a briar patch, Wade has been a master with weaponry.

He wants to make sure that you, too, can properly use them should the time come for him to gather up his allies for a climatic showdown at a warehouse or something

You don’t get it, but you go along with his lessons

To his glee, you take to guns pretty well once you get used to the kick

When you hit a couple of bullseyes in a row, Wade will not hesitate to tell you how aroused he is

You’re not as good with swords, but that’s okay: “We can be a tag-team, babe! You got the guns and I got the swords! We’ll be so fucking cool -- Holy shit, I gotta get you a suit to match. It’s gonna be hot!! . . . Both literally and, like, not literally. This thing is tight; you’re gonna sweat like a member of the Trump cabinet getting questioned by the press.”

Making . . . acquaintances with the guys at Sister Margaret’s. You wouldn’t necessarily call them friends but you have a pretty good feeling that if something were to possibly happen to you, a decent number of them would at least make an effort to have your back

Mainly because you’re dating Wade and therefore are friends with Weasel

If Wade isn’t around to be your partner in crime or vice-versa, Weasel is your stand-in.

As such, you tag-team loving insults at Wade from time to time.

Okay, your insults are loving; Weasel’s are about as brutal as a true friend’s should be.

You both stand as the Straight Men boring people to Wade’s hare-brained totally well thought-out thoughts

Meeting Colossus and Negasonic during one of Wade’s trips to the X-Men Mansion.

Wade insists that there are other mutants around the house, but there wasn’t enough in the budget for you to meet them

Colossus, while hesitant about someone like you being with Wade, is ultimately just glad that there’s someone around him to potentially keep him grounded since he can’t seem to get through to the Merc

Negasonic seems indifferent to you and even snarkily asks what’s up with you two and why you’re with Wade. But ultimately, she doesn’t think you’re bad. She even threatens a smile when you tell Wade to knock off trying to tease her.

Wade introducing Spiderman as, “The one I’d be with if you hadn’t bewitched me with that figure of yours.”

You try to forgo this and carry on a decent conversation with the other red suit-wearing hero

You and Peter are now friends and exchange texts often, catching movies when you’re home alone and bored and Peter has free time

This, of course, causes Wade to whine and flail like a jealous child and accuse you guys of friend-cheating behind his back.

The best way to silence this is to have a game night or movie night or invite Peter over for Taco Tuesday

Humorous conversations of every shape and breed

You ever woken up in the middle of the night wondering what unicorn farts smell like? If you don’t, Wade will. And you’d best believe that you’re going to talk about it.

No subject really seems to be off limits for you two.

Except for his past to a certain point.

When you guys first started talking, it threw you off and into a canyon by how brazen he was to talk about certain topics that most people would be horrified to even ask about. Eventually he got the idea that you weren’t entirely comfortable with answering some of them, however, and he attempted to lighten up. Eventually, though, when you got comfortable enough, you answered them and asked them right back

Becoming a pro at cleaning up messes -- specifically, blood

You’ve learned to budget to afford copious amounts of bleach and color guard and rubbing alcohol since getting serious with Wade

You tell him time and time again to stop coming into your apartment, thinking it’s okay to drip blood into the damn carpet, couch, or bed sheets but does he listen?

Does Wade ever turn down Mexican food?

You’re not one for sewing up deep wounds, however. You confirmed this after insisting such to him when he asked you to patch up a cleave mark to his chest. Her persisted, and you regurgitated. He apologized, and you had to go lie down on the couch which still smelled of bleach from the last time Wade had arrived.

Those rare but sweet moments where you guys just feel like a normal couple.

Wade is quiet for once and you two aren’t feeling up on each other, but just enjoying each other’s company. Your conversations are simple, but they don’t need to be complex for you to understand what the other is getting at.

Peaceful moments are a rarity for Wade, given his mutation and lifestyle. So there’s a special air about the room whenever these moments occur . . .

They are often broken (and rather quickly) but the smell of something burning in the oven and Wade scrambling up screaming, “MY TAMALES!!”

Nicknames galore between you two.

Wade, having almost no sense of self-censorship, goes wild with what he calls you: Pretty Princess, Unicorn Warrior, Player 2, Sugartits, Babe, Hot Stuff, Sweet Stuff, Beloved Apple of My Eye, My Darling (Y/N), Tootsie Pop, Baby, Sugar, Honeypot, You Beautiful Fool, and Reader (he never explains this one to you, only winks) to name a few. Honestly, you’re pretty sure he just makes them as he goes along because he’s also whipped out some nonsense ones from things that just happen to catch his eye like French Fries, Burrito, Fire Escape, Glow-in-the-Dark Limited Edition ACDC Poster (GDLEACDC for short)

You try to keep up, but usually wind up sticking to basics because keeping up with Wade can be exhausting: Honey, Babe, Bae, Daddypool, Wadey, D.W. (Double W), King Avocado, Chimichampion, Sweetie, Sweetums, and Sugarpants. You also call him Prince, but that’s for special occasions as you’ll see further below . . .

Laughter

God, you don’t remember laugh so much in your entire life!

Even if you and Wade don’t necessarily share the same sense of humor, the man has a gift: He can always find something or someway to put a wide smile on your face and make you cackle until your face, stomach, and even the back of your head hurt.

The laugh lines you begin to develop are what Wade finds the sexiest about your looks.

After dat sweet ass of yours

Pain. It’s inevitable. Because as resilient as Wade is both in personality and physically, it’s all due to a painful, ongoing process from which he will likely never be cured.

Usually, he’s fine: He can go days, even weeks without noticing the pain or even feeling it all together. He describes it as something that occasionally fades due to constant exposure to it, so he’s fine and dandy to go out, grab a drink, visit an arcade, kill a dude, take a jog in the park . . . You know, the usual stuff.

But other days . . . It’s bad

Other days, he can’t even get out of bed. The pain is excruciating to the point where even the tears that seep out sting

You want to hold him through this -- he wants you to hold him through this. But it’s a just plain bad idea.

The most you can do is be nearby him, make your presence quietly known, feed him soft, nurturing foods that won’t draw as much attention to how sensitive he is. He also will ask you to read to him. He says he doesn’t care what, but you’ve noticed he critiques less when it’s children’s fairytales.

You’re pretty positive that when you read stories about the prince saving a princess, he’s imagining himself saving you. Only he’s the way he used to look, and not some batter-faced bozo with a whole lot of problems on his plate.

You therefore make it a point to call him Prince when he’s in such a vulnerable state. You want him to know that you love him as is; to hell with those cliche fairytales and what they think beauty is! This is your story and you’re going to damn-well look like it, not having some beings from Mt. Olympus come down and portray you! (Though Wade would very much like to be played by Hugh Jackman. I mean, he’s not doing Wolverine anymore, so he’s got an open spot now, right? Right??)

Wade’s resilience helping him pull through the agony. And once he’s back on his feet, he’s quick to smother you with hugs and kisses.

Because even though he may seem to overdo it to the point where it may not appear genuine, Wade adores you, he appreciates you. He practically worships the ground you walk on, if in a way that only Wade could probably pull off and still seem charming. And he never wants you to doubt that.

Because you listen to him, you care for him, you stick by his side despite knowing exactly what he does and what it entails. You put up with him and his shit not just on a friendly level, but a romantic one and well and he sometimes has trouble comprehending it and has to talk to nothing the audience just to sort out his thoughts and conclude, yet again, that you’re goddamn amazing and he doesn’t deserve someone like you in spite of your insisting otherwise. (Of course, he’ll easily accept your argument that he does deserve you and tackle you with cuddles.)

And in this world, it’s you, him, the audience, and the voices. And if it all came down to it, Wade would and always will choose you to be the companion he wants to talk to the most. About everything and nothing, until the end of time.

#regrettablewritings #wade wilson imagine #wade wilson imagines #wade wilson x reader #deadpool x reader #deadpool imagine #deadpool imagines #would include #i never know how to write for Deadpool tbh #i mean where do i break the 4th wall??#oh well...

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