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disgrac3ful · 6 years

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First Comedy Routine

Hey guys my name is Laken. This is my second open mic here. The first time I came to see my boyfriend Gabe. I'm sure you all know him. He's the one with the long hair, plays awesome guitar. The one who looks like Jesus.

Yeah let's just say, he's the one who sings to me in the car. However, I was getting all excited and I was like "man, I should sing a song."

It's kind of like when a guy goes "yeah, I should poke a sleeping bear with a stick"

They are both awful ideas.

Yet, I had some weird confidence inside me like "yeah, I can sing. I was in my school's Christmas play. And we almost filled up the first two rows of the auditorium! All 20 seats!"

So i got up there and sang a Christmas carol and god was I nervous. For some reason, I can talk all I want in public man, like the only time I'm not talking is when I'm eating or I'm dead. So if I'm not eating and I'm not going off on some tangent please check on me.

God, my legs were shaking. People probably thought I was either really into the music or about to pass out. If you wanna know the truth, is was more of the latter.

To put this in perspective, I never run. Never. I'm the person in the movies that kind of sits there looking at the killer hoping my incredibly good looks or smooth charm will get me out of being chopped to pieces. Yknow, the one who dies first. I'm sure you all remember the fitness gram pacer test, yknow "the fitness gram pacer test is a multi-stage aerobic capacity test..." when I heard that it was bomb sirens in my head.

Yet, as soon as I got off stage and out of view, I was like "I will run to McDonalds, I'm done with this."

Then I played another song, so that worked out.

So, I decided I'd be most comfortable doing comedy. It's original, I'm decently witty, I can bounce my leg and it'll look like a quirk of a cute lil person and not like I'm going under.

Besides, it's not like you guys can boo me off when I'm making fun of myself. It's like booing off a little child because both my height and self esteem or the size of a five year old.

And I'm not kidding. I was at the fair and they checked my height to make sure I could go on a ride. I was 15. And before you ask, I did have on these platform shoes from the two thousands that gave me an advantage of at least five inches. If you don't remember those shoes basically they're like heels without the blisters and tears.

I thought I was so tall, I already knew all my responses if someone where to say a tall joke.

"Weather up here is fine. No I don't play basketball or volleyball, sweat scares me." And I was ready. Yet according to everyone I still looked like a four year old that for some reason had average makeup skills.

Anyway, back to what I was saying, comedy is just how I make myself happy. I'm one of those annoying people who snicker at their own jokes even if no one else is laughing.

However, I talked to Gabe before this and I made sure he knew when to laugh and clap at the exact moments needed.

Standing up here now isn't half as bad as when i was about to cry. At least my songs would've had emotion. Tears streaming down my face while playing silent night screaming "I love you Jesus!"

Even though this is a little insane for me, being that my insides are currently being churned by a little man to make butter, I'm proud I got up here.

Everyone here is awesome and has a talent. The singing is phenomenal. The poetry is brilliant. So, I decided to add this to the mixture of all that. I don't know if anyone's ever done it before, and if so, to make you feel a little more comfortable with this, just consider my comedy really cringe worthy poetry that has no meaning whatsoever.

And yes, saying it like that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

Anyway, thank y'all for listening, I tried my best and watched so many people make jokes on America's Got Talent to prepare for this. It's like I can see Howie standing right in front of me.

At least you guys don't have red buttons to kick me off the stage, however I'll do it for you. I can already hear Simon Cowell calling me a disappointment in my head. Actually, I might have his voice mixed up with Gordan Ramsey's.

Thank y'all.

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