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cksmart-world · 3 years

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The completely unnecessary news analysis

by Christopher Smart

May 11, 2021

HOLY HOUSEWIFE, IT'S MRS. GOD!

You think you get ignored, well how do you think Heavenly Mother feels? Really, nobody ever mentions her, not even at Thanksgiving. Here at Smart Bomb, we take our cues about Mrs. God from Salt Lake Tribune soothsayer Peggy Fletcher Stack. In a recent epistle, Ms. Stack said Mother in Heaven is gaining popularity within Mormondom. But not all Latter-day Saints are pleased: “ 'In some quarters, she has become domesticated as God the Father’s wife, with no identity beyond birthing spirit children, or as a “heavenly housewife,' they complain.” Oh, Heavenly Housewife! What a bummer. Is there house cleaning in heaven? Poor Mrs. God, she sounds a little like Rodney Dangerfield. “She never gets a break,” said Margaret Toscano, who was banished by LDS leaders, Stack says, after writing about God the Mother. It's unclear why Matthew, Mark, Luke and John didn't mention Mrs. God in the New Testament. But what the hell, that was before women's lib. And why not? American Indians call this planet Mother Earth and they should know. And according to Wilson and the band, if there is breakfast in heaven, there's a Mrs. God, er uh, Heavenly Mother. (We'll stop digging here.)

SARAH PALIN WILL SING TO YOUR KID FOR $$$

You heard right, for $199 the former governor of Alaska and vice presidential candidate will sing Happy Birthday to your kid. And if that doesn't scare the hell out of you, we don't know what will. Former Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz will do the job for $45, which could put your child in the psych ward — but it would be great payback to have him yodel to your former boss. It's all part of Cameo, the outfit that allows you to connect with celebrities (We couldn't possibly make this up.) You can get Chuck Norris for $450 or Caitlyn Jenner for $2,500. There are 3,000 choices. So the staff here at Smart Bomb got to thinking, what if we hired Real Housewives of Salt Lake to sing “Afternoon Delight” to Gov. Spencer Cox. (Cool.) Or what if we hire former Utah House Speaker Greg Hughes to sing “Do Ya Think I'm Sexy,” to SLC Mayor Erin Mendenhall. (Yecht.) How much would we have to pay Georgia firebrand Marjorie Taylor Green to sing “Ring My Bell” to Mitt Romney. But we needn't pay a dime to get Ted Cruz to sing “Tonight's The Night” to Liz Cheney. So, if you want to impress that special someone go to www.cameo.com. What could possibly go wrong.

RUN FOR YOUR RIGHTS TO LAVERKIN

The freedom loving folks of St. George are mad as hell and they're not gonna take it anymore. That's why the county commission declared all of Washington County a “sanctuary for constitutional rights and freedoms” last week. Yeah, damn it. Ever get the feeling those jack-booted feds are gonna come to get your guns and that crossbow you have for sporting purposes only — except for that one time with the neighbor's dog. Well that's your 2nd Amendment Right, damn it. And did you ever get the sneaking sensation those cancel culture bastards are going to stop you from posting conspiracy theories on social media. They want to brainwash us into thinking Joe Biden is president. Well, that's your 1st Amendment Right, damnit. Did you ever think they might break down your door and jail you without a trial and without facing your accuser, like with those Jan. 6 Capitol patriot fighters? Well, that's your 6th Amendment Right, damnit. That's why people still fly “Trump” flags — because they stole the election and now they're stealing everything. We want our country back. Til then, we'll hold out in LaVerkin, like Butch and Sundance, where them mean ol' Pinkertons Nancy Pelosi and AOC can't get their stinkin' commie claws into us.

Post script — That's a wrap for another hysterical week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of falling space junk so you don't have to. Speaking of space junk, UFO sightings have almost doubled during the year of the pandemic. Now we know why pregnancies are down — staring out the window instead of... It's so serious the Pentagon will convene a task force to investigate “unidentified aerial phenomena” and will publish its findings. Maybe there is life out there! But wait, if the 1961 Drake Equation is right, those aliens are looking for a new home because theirs has been destroyed. “The prime factor affecting life's prevalence: intelligent creatures tendency toward self-annihilation.” This could also explain what's happening to the Republican Party. Another theory is that Republicans who hated Trump and now love him are victims of “The Body Snatchers.” And “That Thing From Another World” might explain Trump, himself. Things have gotten so crazy here on Planet Earth that science fiction now seems rather ho-hum. Or as Michael Gerson, senior policy adviser to George W. Bush, described the current state of affairs: “To be a loyal Republican, one must be either a sucker or a liar.”

Well, Wilson, it's nice to know that you and the band are keeping your cool in these trying times — it must be all the meditation — right. But anyway, what do you think Liz Cheney would be singing right about now:

I've been cheated Been mistreated When will I be loved? I've been put down I've been pushed 'round When will I be loved? When I find a new man That I want for mine He always breaks my heart in two It happens every time I've been made blue I've been lied to When will I be loved? Oh, I've been cheated Been mistreated When will I be loved? When will I be loved? Tell me, when will I be loved?

(When Will I Be Loved — Linda Ronstadt)

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amyunreserved · 7 years

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To My Future Husband: An Open Letter.

My dearest husband,

Today is Valentine’s Day. Quite frankly I had a roller coaster of a morning today. I dropped off my little sister at school today and noticed so many kids with balloons, candy, flowers, bears, etc. I had to go to the grocery store this morning and was bombarded by even more of that as I entered. Then my little sister’s boyfriend ask me to help him do something Valentines related for her. It hurts, too, because someone I thought would constantly be around has stayed distant. I didn’t even get a “happy birthday” last week from them, which honestly made me sad, too. But this is all another story for another day when we’re finally together. Anyway, I felt rather lonely throughout this.

Yet, in the middle of my tears and loneliness, God was there. He still is as I write this. I was about to text my friend Sarina and just cry and rant to her and tell her to pray for me, but I didn’t actually do that. Instead, I felt it on my heart to just encourage other single girls on this day because God knows they might be feeling the same way I did. So I told the girls to rejoice because they are being pursued by Love Himself. I reminded them that God is the biggest romantic and does so much to show them He loves them. I encouraged them to have God and His love on their mind today because He has them on His mind. As I was sending it out, I was crying some more because I realized I had just told the girls what I wanted to hear. Then God does something so wonderful and uses my friend Liz to encourage me. This time I cried happy tears.

Despite not having your love around, I have the love of my friends, family, and my Heavenly Father. God shows me day in and day out how much He loves me and cares for me. My family loves and takes good care of me, too. Plus I am surrounded by some wonderful girl friends. God is taking really great care until it’s time for us to be together. I don’t know how hard it has been for you being without me. Someday I’ll know, and you’ll also know how hard it’s been for me. I am thrilled to know one day we’ll finally be together on this day. Until then, I am praying God continues to cover and carry you wherever you go. Also, I’m going to continue to enjoy being single while it lasts. I can’t wait to tell you all about my adventures with God and hear yours, too!

See you soon, my love.

#notawaste

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