#gonna do some more brainstorming for bthb

[lauronk]

can i make a fic about jellyfish just as long as a fic about plants?

well i'm sure as shit gonna try

#jelly fic #still doesn't have an actual title yet #this one is like tlou with a sprinkling of stardew valley #dance of the moonlight jellies #all these words and there's been mentions of jellies but no actual jellies yet #maybe in another 2k words or so #this one might be out by the weekend #because my weekend plans just fell through bc my partner got the rona again so when i'm not at work i'm stuck at home #wearing a mask at the computer while he is locked in our spare room because i'm showing as negative #tl;dr i have lots of writing time now and i intend to put it to good use #gonna finish jelly fic #gonna work on what the original jelly fic was but now is a fic of its own #gonna work on bus fic part 5 #on the road again (there i go) #gonna do some more brainstorming for bthb #just so many things to do #i'll shut up in the tags now though #night night #the last of us fanfiction #tlou fanfiction #joel and ellie #fanfic struggles

[rangergirl3]

Okay, so I JUST saw Spiderman: Far From Home on Wednesday - and what a movie. So many excellent fight scenes. So many great performances! <3

I go into more detail below the cut, but the TL;DR version is this:

This movie, while excellent, deals with some stuff that I’ve experienced in my past. Can’t say more without possibly spoiling the movie. (Nothing R-rated).

Anyway, a lot’s been going on lately. I tend to get headaches from stress, and the last couple of days (after seeing FFH), I’ve had some pretty persistent ones. Flashbacks, too, and a few really bad dreams. Mostly just headaches, though. (Can I hear a Huzzah! for painkillers!)

The plus side to all this life transition is that I’m able to remind myself that neither of my parents are in my life anymore. And, if I’m ever starting to revert back to the freaked-out/scared/petrified mindset of when I was a kid, aka ‘Oh no they’re going to be so mad, what will they do to me?!’ I can at least quip:

“What are they gonna do, huh? Abandon me? Oooooh, right. That was last year.”

Painful, yeah. Evisceratingly awful at the time. Kind of my lowest point ever. But honestly? I’m way better off now. :D

I really am okay. Mostly through making wry comments/writing/spending time with friends/other assorted and quirky ways of processing stress.

Speaking of which...

Pardon me while I go write whump/angst/hurt/comfort to cope. :D

Spoilers from ‘Spiderman: Far From Home’ below the cut

Please understand, this is a good movie! A very very good one! They portrayed Mysterio wonderfully! 

It’s just...guys, I grew up with a guy who was exactly like that. I called him Dad. He did all but physically eviscerate his kids, all in the name of what he ‘was called to do’. (He’s a total dick.)

That entire manipulation game? The way Mysterio absolutely played the part of what/who Peter needed/wanted so desperately? The cold-blooded, mocking, self-absorbed true self that came out when his plans were threatened?

Yep. That guy.

The way he made it look like Peter was the bad guy, and made it look so damn believable it’s impossible to know what’s going to happen next?

YES.

THAT GUY.

‘Far From Home’ is great, great movie! Fantastically done! :D

It’s just really difficult for me to enjoy a movie that does such a spot-on portrayal of a master manipulator, and the hero who feels so, so dumb for trusting them. True, Peter realizes his mistake, but oh, damn. The time before it is just so painful.

My mother complements my father well. Together they are completely toxic, manipulative, and the last people you want as parents.

The way the drones projected a fake monster, but still inflicted real and catastrophic damage? That was my life for over two decades. (That’s gaslighting. It’s a bitch.)

The beating that Peter takes from Mysterio’s drones that showcases all of Peter’s worst fears while leaving him with severe physical damage?

My parents had no qualms whatsoever about hitting, slapping, or otherwise physically beating me to make me do/say/think/believe what they wanted. 

The way Mysterio just looks at Peter and says, completely geniuine, ‘For what it’s worth, I really am sorry.’ RIGHT. BEFORE. A TRAIN HITS PETER?

THAT. 

THAT RIGHT THERE.

THAT IS WHAT TOXIC PARENTING IS. THAT IS WHAT MY PARENTS DID, AND STILL DO. EVERY. DAMN. DAY.

They consider someone who trusted them - completely - as an acceptable loss the second that person ‘gets in the way.’ 

That was my ‘normal’, and I was told/conditioned into believing it was all my fault. “If Only I were a Better Child, They Wouldn’t Have To Do This” If only I’d been better, maybe my parents could have loved me, despite all my many flaws. If only I’d done more, somehow, they might have been able to meet me half-way.

The truth is a lot more simple, but massively less complimentary to their egos.

If only they hadn’t chosen to be assholes, they just might have been able to improve their lives, and the lives of their kids. But let’s be honest.

“They had so much more important stuff to do.”

Like I said before, I still get headaches from stress, and the last couple of days, I’ve had some pretty persistent ones. Flashbacks, too, and a few really bad dreams. The plus side to this is that I’m able to remind myself that neither of my parents are in my life anymore. And, if I’m ever starting to revert back to the freaked-out/scared/petrified mindset of when I was a kid, aka ‘Oh no they’re going to be so mad, what will they do to me?!’ I can at least quip:

“What are they gonna do, huh? Abandon me? Oooooh, right. That was last year.”

I really try to keep focused on the good things in life, and I really am okay.

It just frustrates me that a perfectly good movie (well-made, fun, enjoyable, etc) can lead to me still having very unpleasant repercussions. 

*goes off to edit/brainstorm/edit/maybe post some BTHB*

<3 <3 <3 <3

#rangergirl rambles #personal update #spiderman: far from home #far from home