#given him a unibrow and a mustache and are hanging it up all over the office

[willowser]

Love interest CEO is a himbo who runs their company into the ground w satoru!! Yes this is so him. Think a lot in that list would go for him 😭🥹

LMAOOO it IS him akdndjkaa he's such a goofball and doesn't take his work seriously enough, just wants to hang out with his younger employees LOL how cuteeeee

#✿ ask willow #he and his intern yuuji are ALWAYS off doing something ridiculous #making 1000 copies of a photo of nanami they've drawn on #given him a unibrow and a mustache and are hanging it up all over the office #he sends nobara out for coffee runs every single day and doesnt notice she takes like 2 hours to come back (she's shopping) #megumi really actually wants to try and get the work done but can never find satoru LMAOOO #so so funny

[suudonym]

been picking away at a short choukei oneshot for a couple weeks, finally reached a state that I can shrug and call it finished, I leave it here for the perusal of any interested parties

“Osomatsu!”

There was a flurry of movement, a sudden but short-lived cacophony of noise as Karamatsu threw himself towards the crumbling ledge, wrapped his fingers around Osomatsu’s wrist, and leaned with all his weight away from the yawning emptiness that threatened to take his brother.

For a moment, Karamatsu could only stare as his own panicked, ragged pants drowned out the crickets and birdsong. Somehow, he’d made it. Osomatsu hung from his grasp. His eyes were wide and his legs dangled in the open air, but he wasn’t falling towards the faraway ground at the bottom of the cliff, and that was good enough for now.

“H… Holy shit,” Osomatsu breathed, and he curled his fingers tightly into Karamatsu’s sleeve and forced a puff of laughter. “Can you believe this, Karamatsu? I mean, yikes.”

“I think ‘yikes’ is a bit of an, nngh, understatement– Sorry, could you give me a hand here?!”

“Don’t got a one to spare, buddy.”

“I mean climb or… something!” They both shuddered as Karamatsu slipped a little further forward. “Quickly would be nice!”

“Climb what, exactly? Your arm?”

“Sure, yes, whatever! You! Up! Now!”

“All right, okay!” Osomatsu swung a hand up, latched onto Karamatsu’s sleeve, and made several attempts at tugging himself higher before giving up on the effort. “This is a stupid idea, Karamatsu! Your shirt’ll just tear!”

“Then grab the ledge!”

“Huh?! The hell makes you think I can reach the ledge from here?! Pull me up first – like, four inches or something!”

“Pull you– Do you have any idea how much you weigh, Osomatsu?!”

“Not half as much as your damn ego and you’ve got no problem luggin’ that around day in and day out!”

“What was that? I can’t hear you over the sound of your fat ass pulling my arm out of its socket!”

“How about you come down here and repeat that?!”

They shared a heated glare and a long growl of frustration that gave way within moments to breathless resignation.

“But seriously,” Osomatsu said, his temper ebbing, “can’t you pull me up just a little bit? I can take some of the weight off if I can just get a grip on the ledge.”

“I… don’t know. I can try, but…” A drop of sweat rolled off the tip of Karamatsu’s nose. “...I might be at my limit here.”

“That’s not what your brother wants to hear, Karamatsu! Dig deep and show me what you’re made of!”

“I’m made of meat!”

“You’re made of iron!”

“I’m made of flesh! I’m made almost exclusively of squishy things!”

“Those squishy things are the muscles you’ve sweated twice a month at the gym to hone to peak condition!”

“...Ah.” Karamatsu averted his eyes. “Well. I haven’t…” He cleared his throat. “I haven’t actually been going to the gym twice a month, though.”

“Huh? But you keep making such a huge show of it when you’re about to go to the gym or when you’ve just gotten back and the day after you’re always on about how sore you are!”

“W-Well, that’s…”

“You weren’t making it all up, were you?!”

“Well! That’s…! That’s a really strong way to put it, you know? I’d much rather we call it, uh… a blurring of the reality that we live in and the reality that could be.”

“Why would you lie about going to the gym?! If you’re trying to show off or something, you have to have noticed by now that we don’t care!”

“They were simulations, okay?! I got a membership but it’s actually really hard to go! So I’ve been trying to get into character–”

“Getting into character? To go to the gym?”

“It’s a delicate process, Osomatsu! You can’t just rush into these things unprepared!”

“So wait, you’re paying for a gym membership that you haven’t used even once?”

“I…! I’ve used it in my imagination!”

“I can’t believe it! I can’t believe what I’m hearing, Karamatsu! Why the gym in the first place?!”

“W-Well…”

“Well?”

“Because… Totty goes to the gym, right?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Because! If I say the phrase ‘Todomatsu Girls,’ aren’t there actual faces that come to mind?!”

“Ahh, I guess that’s true? Like the girl with the… hair. And the other girl with the… other hair.”

“Right?! And yet I! Don’t have anything of the sort! Even though I’m always searching, like a honeybee in desperate want of its destined flower!”

“O-Okay, Karamatsu, I get how you feel, but can we please try to keep the movement to a minimum? You’re kinda swinging me around a bit here–”

“So I considered it! Where could he possibly have met those girls? How did he come to be on such friendly terms with them? And then I realized!”

“...The gym?”

“The gym! I mean, what are the other options?”

“Mmm…” Osomatsu tapped a finger his his free hand thoughtfully against his chin. “Well, it’s hard to say since Totty is so secretive, but is the gym really a place to go to get to know people well enough to hang out with them in other places?”

“That… I cannot say. But I suspect I will discover the answer when at last the day arrives that I set off on my maiden voyage and experience the strange and unfamiliar land beyond those automated glass doors.”

“Mmmmmmm… Y’know, let’s stop comparing ourselves to Totty so much,” Osomatsu suggested. “Isn’t it because of his Mt. Fuji thing that we’re in this situation in the first place?”

“...I suppose that’s true. Perhaps we place a bit too much significance on the fact that he has female friends.”

“Right? That guy’s so secretive that his trick to making friends with girls probably isn’t something we can observe anyway. I mean, there’s no way that they hang out with him just because he goes to the gym or because he climbed Mt. Fuji.”

“Unless…”

“Unless…?”

“What if, for example… girls want to hang out with Todomatsu because they can sense that he’s more physically active than us?”

“How would they even know that? It’s not like he’s all buff or anything.”

“Truly, I cannot begin to conceive of an answer. Perhaps it’s an innate talent, a biological skill developed over the millennia to assist in the endeavor of seeking a lifelong partner?”

“Nah that sounds made-up and stupid. And anyway, how can you talk like that with my hanging from your arm like this? Not that I’m complaining, but weren’t you at your limit?”

Karamatsu’s eyes glimmered handsomely. “Heh… I no longer feel the pain, brother. Or anything else, for that matter.”

“Huh?! Isn’t that really bad?! Why didn’t you say something if your arm was going numb?! Here we are just shootin’ the shit as we dangle over certain death!”

“Actually, Osomatsu, I’ve been looking down this cliff for a while now, and I’m fairly certain the fall would be survivable – given a few broken limbs, perhaps. It may be for the best for both of us to consider the option.”

“Huh?! You’re kidding, right?! Tell me you’re kidding!”

“As the eldest, this is your sacrifice to make, brother!”

“Don’t give me that shit! The hell does me being the eldest have to do with you throwing me off a cliff?!”

“Heh… I believe in you.”

“Believe in what – my ability to levitate?! That might work with Jyushimatsu, but it doesn’t work with me!”

Somebody cleared their throat. “It looks like you two are in a bit of a pinch there. Do you need a hand?”

The nasally voice cleaved cleanly through the brothers’ argument and drew two sets of eyes to the nearby hiking trail, though only Karamatsu was at a high enough angle to see the prim brown suit, the whiskerish mustache framing an unnervingly feline smile, the wrinkled unibrow, and the handful of prickly hairs sprouting from the otherwise bald scalp.

“......Uh. N-No, thank you,” Karamatsu eventually replied. “We’re fine.”

“Well, if you say so.”

“Karamatsu?! Did someone just offer to help and you sent them away?!”

“I…” Karamatsu shook his head helplessly. “I did, but I don’t know why! It was a reflex! It’s just... who goes hiking in a suit?”

“Well that’s just great, because now–” Osomatsu paused. “Wait, he was wearing a suit?”

“He was.”

“Like, a blazer and ironed pants and…”

“And a dress shirt and tie.”

“What the hell is that? Who goes hiking in a suit?!”

“That’s what I’m saying!”

“A guy like that would have pushed us both off for sure!”

“Right?!”

“Of course, we’re still gonna die anyway. And now that I think about it, getting murdered by a weirdo who hikes in a suit sounds a lot better than dying because you thought you saw a 5-yen coin on the edge of a cliff and your brother’s been lying about going to the gym so he can’t pull you back up.”

“Well, let’s look at the bright side, Osomatsu.”

“And what exactly is the bright side here, Karamatsu?”

“At least we have a lovely view.”

With a nod of his head, he gestured towards the landscape that sprawled out beneath them, all bright sky and wispy clouds and tree-streaked green that stretched far beyond the eye’s reach until it melted into fog evaporated on the horizon.

And sure enough, it was a lovely view.

#this isn't exactly a warmup fic buuut whatever that's the most suitable tag #warmup fic #own writing #big bros best bros #osomatsu san