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gaypeople4itzy · 3 years

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Winter - After long days

Basically a hurt/comfort scenario for a friend out there (if you’re reading this, I hope you will but anyways, I love you <3)

boyyy I was planning to make it short and stuff but guess it didn’t turn out like I planned once again😭

I don’t see that much aespa content out there so enjoy😼

Requested : Yes but no at the same time

word count : 5,5k

Warnings : mentions of not eating, anxiety, brief mentions of bad relationships with parents, insecurities

Disclaimer : This story may contain themes that could suggest it is about suicide but it’s not, the reader is simply too exhausted to continue going through the day, there is no clear mentions of un-alivement because this is not what this story is about, hope this makes sense !

Let’s get started I guess

Summary : When she’s away, all days become to resemble each other, same routine, same people you see on your way to university, continuous arguments with your parents and not an ounce of break for your tired mind

That’s when you stop paying attention to what happens, letting days pass by just like a count down, waiting for your time to come if she were to not be there for you when you felt down

All you wanted was for her to message you back, but strangely, it’s like it wasn’t meant to happen, being on tour made her busy, so busy that it seemed to erase your existence

Today has been a long day, a day where you realized you were mistaken about your girlfriend, so much going on your mind you had forgotten futile details that were actually meant to be important

Outside, away from reality, unable to escape image of her haunting your mind, you felt so tired, way too exhausted to even stand there, your body itself started to give up, maybe you were meant to fall just now

If only she was there

A day

“a period of twenty-four hours as a unit of time, reckoned from one midnight to the next, corresponding to a rotation of the earth on its axis”

is its literal definition,

Common knowledge that is you would say, we use that unit on a daily basis and in basic writing, like what was written down just now, we live through days without really realizing if you think about it for a second

Who goes around and questions themselves about what defines a day ?

Is a day when you finally go to sleep after exhausting yourself for hours ?

Or is a day a work shift being yelled at by clients ?

Or maybe the length of a day depends on how many classes you have ?

When life goes on, no one actually takes the time to lay down and reflect on time that passed until that very moment. Do we notice the world around us when we wake up ? Things we used to once find relevant are now perfectly embedded in our usual routine, so much that we start forgetting about stuff that’s supposed to make us happy. Every day feels like a Monday, waking up to work until time says it’s time to get back to resting, life is dictated by time, it’s something everyone has always agreed on no ?

Yet time seems to be out of place when you’re with her

Days become unique, different, out of the ordinary

There’s those butterflies in your stomach when your alarm rings in the morning, knowing well you’ll get to see her face

Or if only it were to be that simple

Yes she’s an idol, her coming back home late when you stay at her place is what you’re used to, when her gentle cuddles wake you up near midnight, or when she leaves early and barely has time to make it up to you after her schedule kept her away so long. It does get hard to be unable to hold her hand and keep her close constantly, sometimes you do ask yourself how would it be to date someone that was more available for you. You know well she isn’t doing this out of hatred towards you, in facts, she has no control whatsoever, but the sudden sadness that seems to be rip your heart out of your chest when she’s not around is heart breaking enough to get you to question your life choices

You wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world though, her and all her beautiful aspects, everything she does make your heart flutter. From her gentle touch to the caring words that come out of her mouth when she’s actually there, the love you share is stronger than the obstacles on your way. Deep down you know that life without her would be like a blank paper, a calendar with nothing written on it, identical days going on and on with nothing to say about them, sleepless nights in need of someone’s affection

Without her, life would be meaningless

So in a way, maybe it is worth the wait, maybe the cries from when she can’t dry your tears or the fear of her absence when you’re not in her arms are worth all the happiness she brought you through the time you spent together. Because of her, because of the spark she brought to your eyes, because of how she makes your heart beat fasten whenever she passes by, because of the way she looks at you, because of how, even so rarely, she takes you out on dates. Because of all of these things, she gave a meaning to what you’re living, thanks to her, every morning means the start of something new, she broke the boring routine you used to follow to now follow her in a bunch of adventures, never knowing what’s going to happen, days become unique, they become different

She changed your life

And of course you couldn’t be more grateful

Yet these days you feel as if everything you've built together is starting to fall appart, maybe you overthink things too much, maybe the lack of sleep due to your intense studying is starting to drain the only little sense of logic in your brain away, maybe you’re too attached to someone who could probably live her life perfectly as an idol without you around, but then again, without her warmth around, you feel empty

She has been on tour for quite a while now, for about a month actually, a long month without her by your side, if barelly seeing her because of practice wasn’t enough, now you weren’t even sleeping in the same bed at night, there was nothing you wanted more right now than for her to pull you in her arms

The problem when someone you love too deeply is away is that your mind sort of loses it, impossible yet frightening scenarios about a potential break up between the two of you start rotting your miserable student life, and then takes over you. She’s the only one you have in mid, but since she’s away, it only becomes more painful to watch her on stage when she could be next to you, curled up in blankets with that signature smile of hers

Sigh

You know Minjeong has always been a very loving girlfriend, all the little attentions she does for you are enough to draw a smile on your face even if it was drenched in tears just a while before, she’s awesome, beautiful, charming, affectionate and all the typical qualities you would look for in someone but better. Needless to say, she’s the best thing that has ever happened to you

It’s just that these days, little things she does for you are starting to become less frequent, now replaced by stuff that bothers you. She’s probably not doing it on purpose, or hopefully so, however you miss the nights you would spend talking together and imagining the future, planning dates and cuddling together until you fell into dream land. Now, especially since she’s away, she barely texts you or updates you about what's going on, more often than not, her fans know how her life is going before you do, as if she was trying to detach herself from you

You tried to not make it too much of a big deal, telling yourself you were probably too demanding and clingy, explaining why she wanted a break, but you can’t help yourself to miss her, miss her so much that it hurts to see her everytime you open your phone, she could be out there, having “fun” with someone else and you'd learn it weeks later

Days strangely became boring again, since she’s not around, and you’re barely able to reach her, scared to be left on seen or get a cold response, you’d rather avoid your phone, meaning that a new routine took place again. Waking up on the cold mattress with no one to warm you up, taking a light breakfast and heading to university, attending classes, not talking to much people, avoiding calls from your family and trying to make it at the end of the day before falling asleep on that same bed and the cycle starts over

...

“Is that what I felt when we weren’t together ?” you asked yourself countless times, remembering the old weeks you used to spend alone, crying in the house of your parents and tired of feeling on the edge, not knowing when the downfall of your character will be

When days all repeat themselves, little details that may not seem bothersome can quickly become bigger problems, after all, if you have nothing else to pay attention to, your mind will automatically turn to negative thoughts, weather that make sense or not, and you have no real control over them. Because what’s the point of exhaustion yourself to be happy if you have no real reasons to be

Since she’s gone

Well of course, technically speaking, she isn’t

But her not being available is enough to affect you badly

When you wake up only to look at yourself in the mirror, disappointed of what you've become, depending on someone who won over your heart yet seems to have forgotten about it, comments from people around you that constantly question you about your love life which you never know what to answer

“I’m in love with someone who I’m in a committed relationship with but we barely talk and it’s weird to say I feel like she would look better with someone else but anyways moving on” kind of stuff you think out loud and mumble under your breath

Today could’ve been another regular day, exactly like yesterday, the day before and the whole last month actually, you probably would’ve liked that better if you had to be honest

But no, that wouldn’t be funny right ?

Today seemed like a disaster. No, no one died tragically and there wasn’t a tornado to take you or your family away, it was just a series of little things, individually inoffensive but in the end, enough to make you stumble over your own feet by how drained you are feeling

And again

No news of “winter”, the idol everyone seems to love

Of course you do too, but not in the same way as everyone sees her

“It’s nice and stuff to be pretty and have awesome vocal skills

Would be nice if she checked on her lover as well huh” you thought

...

This morning you woke up wincing in pain, groaning while holding your stomach and running to the nearest bathroom before staying there for a good 15 minutes, scared something would run out of your mouth, stuff you wouldn’t want to be stuck to clean afterwards

The cause of this ? You weren’t sure, but the way you were struggling to catch your breath and by the sweat on your forehead, you knew this was nothing positive

All of that woke your parents, it was around six in the morning, they were pretty unhappy of the noise you made, scolding you and telling you to be more responsible when it came to your health

“well good morning to you too I guess” you restrained yourself from saying

Since she was gone, you weren’t at her apartment alone and instead, lived with them with whom well, let’s say you didn’t have the best relationship

You went back to bed yet your eyes remained opened, unable to close them, you gave up on falling asleep for today, too bad if you were to doze off in class, at least it would be better than listening to the poor explanations of a teacher that didn’t want to be there

In the corner of your eyes, you saw a light, it was your phone who opened by itself, apparently you had had a notification whatsoever. You first thought it was the bank or maybe your little sister wanting to tell you something random but no, it was from someone you knew not so well yet felt comfortable around

“Jimin.. why would she text me so early” You thought at the sight of your girlfriend’s best friend and leader, known as the charismatic and powerful Karina on stage and a pretty protective person considering the three girls she had to take care of, plus you, someone she had a lot of affection for

Jimin :)

Hey y/n I was wondering how you are ?

Minjeong barely gave us news about you

She seems concerned

Everything good out there ?

Were the notifications you saw

You didn’t feel like unlocking your phone and seeing her messages, it’s not that you didn’t want to talk, but you didn’t feel like opening your heart to someone that was close to who made you so vulnerable lately

As foolish as it was, you chose to ignore it, sitting at your desk instead and studying to avoid thinking of whatever your girlfriend had been telling, or not, to her friends

Time passed and you felt yourself getting awoken by your mother’s shouts, your head laying down on a science manual you swore you were reading a second before, the clock on the wall in front of you showed the time, almost eight, the time you usually go in the bus that takes you to university

Quickly, while answering your mom so she would stop screaming, you picked up your stuff and ran out of the house on an empty stomach, scared to make yourself sick again, something you’d rather avoid in public. You would’ve want to stay home however you lacked the courage to fight with the authority figure above your head to let you sleep in

Making it on time, you climbed on your bus seat and sat there, your phone in your hands, headphones plugged in your ear, you were ready for the ride till class

As you closed your eyes, your breath in synch with the peaceful melody you were listening to, it finally came to an end, playing the next song in your playlist, a song that strangely, always brought your tears, maybe because of how lonely you had been feeling lately

Forever - By aespa

A cover they had made during the winter, you know, enough to warm My’s hearts, a cute mv and of course incredible vocals from them

Winter ?

Yeah Winter, The Winter, The Kim Minjeong, the one you fell for

Her voice was so calming, touching you directly in your heart, yet it was terrible for you, almost torture to hear again and again the words of love that came out of her mouth when she wasn’t even bothered by your state while she was on tour

You felt tired

And sick

But not the kind of sick that you go to the doctor for, that would probably just end up with laughs and fingers pointed at you

Here we’re talking about the kind of sickness that follows you for a long time, something you don’t necessarily pay attention to until it hits you harder than it should, something that not everyone suffers from, often coming from past experiences that turned out terrible, now resulting in a fear of being abandoned and unable to stay away from the only kind of love you’ve ever received

Yeah maybe dating an idol wasn’t the smartest decision

Just like that stupid rule says “never fall in love with idols”, you should’ve followed that instead of listening to your damn heart for the charming Minjeong who had confessed to you at that time, never you would’ve imagined yourself being so anxious by her absence that you were to throw up

You sighed deeply before looking outside, wondering what your girlfriend is up to, if she was even thinking of you, did you ever cross her mind once in a while or was she too busy that she forgot she was the one who fell for you first ?

You missed her so much

You finally arrived at school, ready to attend your first class with your eyes barely opened and a fragile state of mind, you had no choice but to pay attention to the teacher’s words as much as you wanted to fall back asleep, considering the fact that exams were to come soon and if you didn’t want to be seen as a failure, you had to work hard, despite your poor health at the remaining time

The day could’ve went by normally, your first class was fine, tiring of course but easy enough for you to follow. Then came the break before your second class, where you tripped in the stairs, if the embarrassment wasn’t enough, the bruise on your knees was there to assure this day to be exhausting. During your second class everything went normally, not much interactions needed with others and lunch already came

You weren’t sure about eating because of your still sick stomach, you bought yourself food but the pain you felt made you forget about your poor lunch which you just left there, meaning you had to attend your next classes without any food in your body, since food wasn’t allowed in the classrooms

You had only one class left by now, the others had been going well, nothing could make this day shittier right ? Your bruised legs, that sensation that you could faint anytime soon and the tears you were holding due to the absence of your dear girlfriend, all of this was enough right ? Plus combined by the nice morning conversation you had with your parents who seemed to be pissed at you for no other reason that you weren’t doing well

Somehow, your day ended up being worst than you could imagine, when the teacher announced he would give back the exams you had done a while ago, you felt a jolt of adrenaline make your heart beat, anticipating the worst and thoughts flying across your mind due to the growing anxiety inside your chest. You were known as a good student, you weren’t particularly impressive in anything else but academically speaking you were recognized finally

Meaning that any little mistake done by you had 10 times more impact than on someone with average grades, you felt scared to disappoint, you were already done with feeling under pressure today, you didn’t need anything else

...

Not even passed the test

You could’ve went to the teacher and negotiate a better mark, or you could’ve blamed it on the context surrounding the day you had done this, hearing others screaming in joy while you were sitting there, tears barely rolling down your cheeks as you tried your best to hold your emotions in

You knew you had failed

Failed on so many levels

That day was about three weeks ago, another day similar to this one, a day where you felt lonely, a day where she wasn’t there, a day where you were feeling like giving up, a day that yes was different from the usual routine you kept complaining about but oh how you wished it would’ve stayed a boring day like the others

You weren’t able to concentrate at all, despite all your efforts

And now were the results

It wasn’t going to affect your year much, not even your average grades, yet the disappointed look in your teacher’s eyes and the thought of that same exact look in your parents’s gaze was enough to make you tremble

If only she was there

Oh right

Who knows if she would even pay attention to it

Between laughs filling the classroom, tear blurring your view, you saw a notification from another familiar person, then another, and another from someone else you knew

Aeri :0

Hey Y/n are you alright ??

It's been a long time since we've talked !

We all miss you a lot <3

Give us news soon !

...

“What.. ?”

...

Another one..

Ning :D

Y/nnnnn !!

Where did you go ???

Minjeong misses you so much she's all pouty lmfao

You should answer her messages !

We’re all worried :(

Hope you’re doing good !!

Talk to us Y/n

...

“Since when ??”

...

“Huh.. ? But she didn’t send me anything in the last few days.. if it’s not for a picture of the four of them standing with an award”

You look back at your phone and your conversation with your girlfriend

You gasp in surprise when you receive a bunch of texts at the same time, maybe a hundred or two..

And realize all your messages were not sending huh ?

“What the hell ??” you mumbled

That’s when something hit you, a conversation from not so long ago with your parents that you had completely forgotten, they had said a bunch of stuff but the one that just flashed in your mind is that they had mentioned cutting off the wifi because some work was being done in your shared house. They wanted to paint the walls with new colours and had to change some of the parts of the electricity system, meaning that to avoid a short circuit, they might had to turn it off for a while

That so explains the sudden change in Minjeong’s behaviour, why she went from texting you loads of messages everyday to nothing, as if she had forgotten about you, her messages were just not reaching your phone and yours weren’t reaching hers all because of that dumb stuff

“but what about my cellular data plan.. ?”

True, you had been able to text her from time to time and check news thanks to that, something you paid a lot for every month. However, there was a problem with it too, the company you were paying for your contract had been having business problems lately, meaning that your cellular data was going to be unstable until they would fix it properly

*ding*

a notification from the company

operator *********

Hello dear client, the problem has finally been fixed, thank you for being patient and accepting to continue your plan with xxxx .cie, sorry again for the bother, have a nice day.

You felt even more ashamed, thinking your girlfriend was leaving you when it was all your fault, you felt extremely ungrateful, and disgusting, you didn’t know what to say, or do

You felt exhausted, all of this combined plus the thought of your own lover being sad because of what you caused when in your head, you were blaming her, you felt tears running down your cheeks as you go out of the classroom, classes were finally over

It’s like today couldn’t even get worst, and strangely, you blamed all of it on yourself

You spent the bus ride reading all the kind stuff she had sent, not knowing how to answer

...

Love <3

Hey babyyyy !!

I finally arrived at the hotel :)

there’s a big fluffy bed, wish you were there ;)

hehe I’m kidding

or maybe not

don’t mind meeee you just look cute under me🙄

...

Love <3

Hey angel ?

Are you okay baby☹️ ?

I miss you so much :((

Life is boring when you’re not in my arms😩

...

Love <3

Baby look !!

I found a plushie that made me think of you oml :0

I bought it so I can imagine falling asleep with you next to me :))

Have a nice day cutie <3333

...

or even

...

Love <3

Hey love, I hope your studies are going well

I know you have a lot of work right now

I keep thinking about you

Please take care :(((

...

or lastly

...

Love <3

Y/n ?

Y/n baby ?

I’m seriously getting worried..

Are you okay angel ?

I miss you so much

Please answer me

You know life without you is impossible

I need to see you soon

I promise I’ll be there

...

“I.. how could I fuck up this much..”

And these are just a few examples of what she had sent in the last few weeks you spent worrying

“what.. what did I do to deserve this..”

She was right there all along

What was going on

You felt so worried for her now

What if she had not been doing well since you weren’t answering

It made you feel even sicker

“Well shit”

The bus ride went by while you weren’t even sure you could think properly, how were you going to deal with this situation ? You felt yourself getting overwhelmed once again, your stomach burning from nervousness, not butterflies but more like the feeling of being stabbed down there, making your breath hitch. You were tired enough today, barely able to keep your eyes open, and now you had to deal with this, something you believed you were the hurt one

As you walked in your house, you knew you wouldn’t be able to handle talking to someone at that time, so you just notified your parents that you would go out for a walk, wanting to clear your mind. You ran outside as fast as possible, choosing to ignore whatever complaints they had to say about you, it was useless to try to listen to them as of right now

While walking, you started to feel weak, the combination of the guilt you had built up with basically no energy left in your body due to not sleeping much adding to the fact you didn’t even eat today, you didn’t even know where you were going or if you could make it home

You didn’t just feel lost

You were lost

You took out your phone and began to type an apology to Minjeong, wanting to make it up to her as much as you could, you were even expecting her to break up with you on the spot, you knew you had messed up. It wasn’t really your fault but you felt as if it was, if no one would take the blame, you knew you would have to take it yourself

You were already imagining yourself alone again, far away from her touch, and all of this because you had forgotten about something so futile at that moment yet that had such a great impact on your current state

Your bruised knees were hurting

Your poor head started to ache even worst than your heart

You stood there in the middle of an empty park, not knowing what was the right thing to do, it wasn’t even sadness or disappointment, it was worst, it felt as if you had failed your only purpose in life, you couldn’t even pass something so easy at school and now you had not been taking care of your lover

Because after all, when days become boring, you know you can’t help but pick on every little bad thing that happens, they all seem to kick you down, closer to the edge of a void you weren’t sure you could get yourself out of

Were you being dramatic ? Obviously looking at that from an outside point of view makes it easy for people to judge and make fun of your state, swollen eyes from the tears that watered your cheeks, and the conviction that you were destined to not be happy for the rest of your life

All of this because of little details

Another long day you thought this would be

But this time, nothing assured you you could get through it

Do you deserve to do so ?

Your vision started to become blurry, you felt your legs give up as you started to fall, time seemed to have stopped, as if the universe was trying to make this moment worst, you knew you had poor chances of waking up if your head was to hit the ground, however you had nothing to grip yourself to

...

Maybe it really was the end

Another long day that ended with your eyes closed

Unsure about tomorrow

However this time your head didn’t hit your pillow

It was to hit the cold sidewalk your feet were on

Today was enough

Or it was enough for today

Needless to say

It was time to say goodbye

Apologies for your foolishness were the last words you pronounced

Barely audible

“M-minjeong, I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened, but I love you..”

...

That’s when something held you, arms wrapped around your waist, a familiar scent being brought to your nose and lips you knew too well pressed against yours, you barely had time to recognize her that you were pulled in for a long and warm kiss, sending shivers down your spine as one of her hands massaged yours

If you were feeling cold just before, you definitely weren't anymore, her gentle touch bringing you the comfort you had been craving and the sensation of her tongue moving in synch with yours was greater than what you were dreaming of

You both stayed like this for a moment, no words needed to express your love for one another, as if that whole month had never happened, a new beginning together, she wasn’t willing to let you go if it wasn’t for the need to breathe

Pulling away, she brought you closer once again but for a hug this time while tears rolled down your cheeks, she was there, finally there, not just on the internet or pictures you had saved on your phone, she was actually there and ready to stay for a long time

You began to apologize to her, stumbling over your own words as the exhaustion from today hit you, you tried your best to explain while apologizing to her and telling her you didn’t deserve any of this which she only answered by shutting you up once again, bringing her lips close to yours and leaning in for yet another passionate kiss

In silence, she brought you to her place afterwards, holding your hand and using her phone to notify your parents you would stay with her for the night, assuring them she would take very good care of you, the last thing she wanted was for you to worry or feel down, especially since she was around, she wanted to do everything she could to cheer up that poor soul of yours

When home, she made you lay down in her bed as she brought a blanket over you before joining you under it, putting your head on her chest as you felt sorry to drench her clothes in tears. She kissed your forehead and told you it didn’t matter, that no matter what, she wanted to make you feel safe

and she did

“I-I’m so sorry.. Minjeong” embarrassed by your own stutter due to nervousness of being around her again

“Love, don’t be, I promise it’s okay, I’m with you now, I’ve got you, do you mind telling me what’s been bothering you lately ? Remember I’m here for you angel” She answered, her voice calm enough to make your sobs decrease

She listened to you ramble about how you had been feeling lately, often you found yourself being interrupted by her peppering kisses all over your face, telling you she couldn’t help it. While you continued your talking, she felt her heart shatter in pieces, she felt devastated to know you had been feeling so unwell and that you had been unable to join her

“I just feel.. so disappointed in myself.. and I feel unloved sometimes.. like by everyone.. gosh I’m so sorry”

“Angel, I’m glad you trust me about that kind of stuff but you know it’s not true, I love you so much with my whole heart, you deserve the whole universe. I promise I’ll stay with you until you feel better, I don’t want to ever let you go again, I’m so proud of you for getting through those days alone, you’re awesome baby. I’m the one who should be sorry..”

“No ! I’m the one who’s sorry.. I don’t deserve you at all Minjeong I love you so much what the hell” You almost shouted, your arms reaching her neck to pull her closer, never wanting to go away even for a split second

You both kept apologizing until you agreed that it would be better to let that go and focus on what was ahead of you. Eyes locked with each other, you weren’t able to look away from her pretty face while she tried to resist the temptation to pull you into another kiss, not wanting to exhaust you more

However you beat her to it, bringing your lips to hers this time instead, giggling at how adorable you were, she gladly gave in, happy to see you seemed to be a bit better by now, your face already lighting up just by her tender presence

The evening went by, cuddling with each other, warmth embracing your now safe self. You finally felt at ease, in the span of a few hours she had made you feel complete again, reminding you of when you first fell for her, you didn’t even know how to thank her

She even insisted on feeding you sweets before letting you drift to sleep in the comfort of her arms, satisfied that you were both finally reunited

“Y/n baby.. you know I love you so much right” she would say with a giggle while watching your cute expressions, struggling to stay awake, scared she would leave again

“I love you so much Minjeong.. please don’t ever leave me, I’ll do anything..” you would whisper, somewhat still a bit scared to wake up without her next to you

“Love, it won’t ever happen again, next time I’ll bring you with me ! Or at least we'll make sure your wifi works well that time” She would answer, her gaze full of love over you

...

Because after all, she was the reason that, even after regular long and boring days, you kept a spark in your eyes

The end <3

Woowooo this turned a bit deeper than I expected but I hope it was enjoyable, please take care and stay safe, love you all <3

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