Hey Felix! - A Review of The Twisted Tales of Felix the Cat - Space Time Twister
Hello again! This time, weāre reviewing the second episode of Twisted Tales. If you thought the first one was trippy, well, brace yourself, because this is going to get even weirder the further we go, at least during the first three episodes!
SPACE TIME TWISTER
- 8:03-9:10 We start with an overall view of the world Felix lives in: a city with a cartoony tinge. This is shown through several elements: the peppy jazzy music, the slightly bounciness on the cars and some of the characters we can see here (including some living cars and a mouse waving at the audience)... Even Felix bounces in his place a bit while waiting to cross the road!
So the situation is that Felix has to catch a train on the subway (and gets the wrong one), and we mostly hear his thoughts during this sequence. We also get to see more fun background characters while heās looking around for gate 9. I especially like the horse mechanic, the punk lady and the butler-like man carrying a duck. What can I say? I like it when people come up with unique designs for characters who are only meant to be scene filler. It shows that someone in the studio cared about it!
I havenāt mentioned it before, but I like those sound effects you sometimes hear, like someone just made them with the mouth. Here you can see an example of that when Felix sprints through the gate (āpshewā), but sounds like these were in Guardian Idiot as well.
We also have Felix waiting for the subway while walking in circles doing his famous, pensive walk. I just love how expressive Felix is in this series and all the poses he does!
Oh, and how the trainās door forms a face and licks its lips after Felix has entered? I really appreciate all these little details to keep something as mundane as going through the subway interesting. But it also warns us that Felix is getting into something dark (and not just in the literal sense), just like the mouse that flipped the gateās number (around 8:37), the bats, and the skull with crossbones (which, of course, is alive as well).
- 9:10-10:07 And yet again, we have another instance of Felix being put in a vulnerable situation. Just like in Guardian Idiot when he was hungry and at the mercy of a heartless butcher, here Felix sits in an empty subway train, feeling uneasy about the whole ordeal. And thenā¦ the lights go out.
He lights up a match, but a mouse delivers him a shit-eating grin before blowing it off. Unfazed, he lights another, only to see a gajillion more mice, to which he flees in terror (youāll see how Felix has special trouble with mice in some episodes of the series, guess itās just a cat thing). In his frantic escape, he jumps out of the train, which continues its march without him. He shows a bit more of his attitude delivering a mocking gesture before wandering off around the empty tunnels. I like these little bits of attitude, he tries to fight against the circumstances even when he loses.
He walks into an especially dark one, which delivers us another of those scenes where only the eyes of a character are visible, but then it only reveals Felixās outlines to show us how he got his flashlight... he made one out of his tail! I really like it when he transforms his tail into tools or uses is to express emotions. His magic bag of tricks basically does the same, but for bigger objects, right? At first I thought one would be superfluous to the other, but considering this, they work together just right!
And yes, the tail lights up, but it reveals a bunch of skeletons. Itās interesting how some of them have the āwhite maskā you see in old cartoons, and odd to add something like that onto a thing thatās already white, but it works well with light grey. Anyway, Felix is so scared even his flashlight-tail screams in terror! Notice how the tail turns into an exclamation sign before reattaching itself to Felix and then poofing up like a real scared cat.
- 10:07-10:34 So Felix runs away again, but this time, he slams against a heavy door. But instead of appearing solid to emphasize the impact (like, letās say, Tom & Jerry), heās just like putty before falling on the floor and reforming into Felix again. I think this comes from old cartoons as well, it happened in Swing You Sinners, for example.
And hereās to another of my favourite moments of the series. He attempts to open the door by pushing and pulling, but the door itself scolds him (āHey! Whaddya think youāre doing? Canāt you read the sign?ā). Felix spends a few seconds thinking what to do, and Iām think itās from this point where he acts out of curiosity rather than fear.
That little smug smile he delivers to the audience before liquifying and sliding under the door.
- 10:34-11:28 And while Felix might outsmart a sentient door, he canāt outsmart the rest of the world he lives in, because the scenery just straight up tilts to make him fall! And heās not just falling a long fall without a destination, heās going straight to the center of the Earth! What awaits him? Hell? A civilization of mole people? Will he keep falling till he reaches China? Well, if you guessed any of that theyāre all WRONG!
Itās a cavernous hallway that leads to another room where jazzy music comes from. Inside that room, there are strange machines that wouldnāt look out of place in a mad scientistās lab, but even a mad scientist is too normal for Twisted Tales. The most prominent feature of the room is the strange man dancing on some sort of arch: a blue, hermit-like being that personally reminds me of the Old Man of the Mountain, from the Betty Boop short of the same name. In fact, his musical number is reminiscing of hers!
Itās a song about someone who doesnāt care about his physical appearance because he has the power to twist time and space, hence his name. This musical numberās got a good amount of gross-out scenes, and my reaction to them is the same as Felixās:
Putting that aside, I really like it! It introduces us to this character in an effective way and does some fun stuff with him: despite not having slept āin a century or twoā, his movements are really bouncy and swift! Iād also like to point out that last bit where his eyeballs fall off, crack like eggs and chicks hatch from them: itās more of that surreal disturbance I like so much, and Iāll take it over plain gross-out any day.
This sequence does not only introduce us to the Time Twister, but also shows us Felixās several reactions to him: double taking in disbelief, that āyuckā gesture I showed before, and grinning greedingly when the Time Twister conjures the little magic box that allows him to warp reality, to show that he covets it.
- 11:28-12:03 Finally, the Time Twister goes to sleep after the musical number. After observing for a few seconds, Felix winks to the audience, and retrieves the artifact with the help of his tail. Again, I really like it when he uses his tail, and while I think it can coexist with his magic bag of tricks, I canāt help but feel one is ditched over the other.
I really like this shot of Felix tiptoeing with the box. Makes it feel heās in a cave even with no particular cave-like elements.
And when he feels heās far enough from the Time Twister and tries to make sense out of the boxā¦ suddenly, the frickin McGuffin of this episode becomes alive! How wonderful is that? āHey! Whaddya think youāre doing? Let go of my nose! Now youāve done it: youāve twisted time and space!ā
And if you thought this was going to be a simple time travelling adventure, lemme tell you: Youāre. Dead. Wrong.
- 11:03-13:05 Thereās spirals, thereās screaming, thereās Felix fucking devolving all the way back to the primordial sea. Itās quite a cool notion that, when time travelling, you change along with the time period! Felix as a fish has a run-in with a hungry fish, and rushes back to the Box, who is casually chilling underwater.
Note how he keeps devolving even if weāre getting the very few bare bones of a plot (escaping from bigger fish). What would have happened if Felix didnāt find the box in time?? For an extra dash of body horror, Felix forces himself to grow arms in order to use the box again, which results in these skeleton arms ripping from his now single-celled body. And the Boxās expressions and dialogue as if it has seen it all already (āYipes! Iām outta here, man!ā)
- 13:05-13:32 In our next time warp (oops), we zoom into Felixās eyes, which have now turned into clocks. And then we see heās in a world full of clocks, representing Time. And when they strike twelve, they make such a thundering noise that Felix can barely handle it.
But, without a warning, the scenery changes, and Felix finds himself inside a beaker. I guess this place, if we can call it that, is meant to represent Space, and I find it interesting that instead of actual, stars-and-planets space, itās represented by chemistry and the laws of physics. Electricity runs, the formula starts to bubble, and we get to see Felix transform into variousā¦ oddities. My best guess is that these forms are based on figures and other desktop toys the production staff had.
God, I love it when a series keeps surprising you!
I also like the music during the last two segments, that ātick tockā from the Time scene that speeds up during the Space one, and that jazzy segmentā¦ for me, it reflects some sort of loftyness, as if the laws of physics have changed so much from what we consider normal that now itās so easy to alter a living beingās shape in a matter of seconds. What Iām trying to say is that it goes really well with whatās happening on the screen, for some reason!
- 13:33-14:16 Next, we shift to a different dimension, in which Felix, in the last form he took in the Physics dimension, is approached by strange, upside-down faced creatures. They start to blow raspberries at him.
Annoyed by it, Felix comes up with an idea quickly, and that is OUTRIGHT REMOVING HIS OWN HEAD, PUTTING IT UPSIDE DOWN AND BLOWING A RASPBERRY BACK TO THEM. You gotta admire how he tries to go with the logic of the world, even if itās not his own world, and probably not even his own dimension! (also, this is a tiny gruesome detail, but have you noticed how the ādropsā that come out when he pulls out his head are red?)
Back to the creatures, they donāt seem amused by this at all, because they turn into eyes and fuse together, threatening both Felix and the Box. Startled, the latter twists time and space to escape, and in the next scene we can see that poor Felix has had enough.
His pupils are dilated, he tries to run away, but comes across more interdimensional monsters: the eyeball from before, dinosaurs, robots, hell, even the Moon is angry at him! Desperate, he turns to the magic Box, ācanāt you do something?ā. Pay close attention. Heās in tears. Heās a cat who has seen too much.
- 14:16-14:48 āOh for crying out loud!ā What is the Boxās solution to Felixās predicament? Call the Time Twister, who makes his appearance by literally ripping the fabric of reality (while Felix runs in circles). Isnāt he wonderful how he scolds Felix by singing, implying that he can only sing to communicate?
So he takes the box, kicks Felix out of a circle closing around him andā¦ nope, the cartoon is not over yet! Felix hears music, and, curious yet again, pulls open the ācircleā to reveal the Time Twister dancing with some of the characters we have encountered previously. And Felix joins the party! I guess thatās as happy as an ending can get here.
So, weāve reviewed one of the weirdest episodes of an already weird series! Itās been a bit hard to guide and comment through the space-time twisting part of this section, because I guess thatās the nature of surreal and trippy things like this. But Iād really like to make sequences like this, so I think it was worth analyzing it!
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Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and Iāll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You wonāt hurt my feelings. Honest. Swing on back to Drewās Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts! Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by loveās first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragonās keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true loveās first kiss. {Laughing} Like thatās ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I aināt the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookinā kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an āLā on her forehead The years start cominā and they donāt stop cominā Fed to the rules and hit the ground runninā Didnāt make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So whatās wrong with takinā the backstreets Youāll never know if you donāt go Youāll never shine if you donāt glow Hey, now Youāre an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now Youāre a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootinā stars break the mold Itās a cool place and they say it gets colder Youāre bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettinā pretty thin The waterās getting warm so you might as well swim My worldās on fire How ābout yours Thatās the way I like it and Iāll never get bored Hey, now, youāre an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now Youāre a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootinā stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, youāre an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now Youāre a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootinā stars break the mold -Think itās in there? -All right. Letās get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, itāll grind your bones for itās bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - Theyāre much worse. Theyāll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -Theyāll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, itās quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! āWanted. Fairy tale creatures.ā {Sighs} {Manās voice} All right. This oneās full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. Thatās 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, donāt turn me in. Iāll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -Iām not a puppet. Iām a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Donāt let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, Iāve got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, thatās good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, heās just - - Heās just a little nervous. Heās really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -Thatās it. Iāve heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. Iām the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! Thatās right, fool! Now Iām a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you aināt never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! Heās getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designatedā¦.. resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethinā back here. Incredible! Are you talkinā to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkinā to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippinā over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, thatās great. Really. -Man, itās good to be free. -Now, why donāt you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I donāt have any friends. And Iām not goinā out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! Iāll stick with you. Youāre mean, green, fightinā machine. Together weāll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you donāt mind me sayinā, if that donāt work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -Iāll tell you why. 'Cause Iām all alone Thereās no one here beside me My promlems have all gone Thereās no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! Itās no wonder you donāt have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! Iām an orge! You know. āGrab your torch and pitchforks.ā Doesnāt that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. Whatās you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-donāt-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Whoād want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. Itās amazing what youāve done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you donāt entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. Thatās another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. Youāve trying to give them a hint, and they wonāt leave. Thereās that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I donāt wanna go back there! You donāt know what itās like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But thatās why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappinā manly stories, and in the morninā Iām makinā waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess thatās cool. I mean, I donāt know you, and you donāt know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. Iām a donkey. I was born outside. Iāll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. Iām all alone Thereās no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -Iām outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, itās a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -Itās not home, but itāll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bedās taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. Iām a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Donāt push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Letās go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, donāt look at me. I didnāt invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und heā¦ā¦ signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, Iām gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! Youāre cominā with me. - All right, thatās what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I canāt wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -Thatās enough. Heās ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You canāt catch me. Iām the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -Iām not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -Iāve tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or Iāll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Whoās hiding them? -Okay, Iāll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, sheās married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -Sheās married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Donāt tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically youāre not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, youāre not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because itās time for you to meet todayās eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, sheās not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But donāt let that cool you off. Sheās a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? āThree! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, youāve chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If youāre not into yoga -Sheās perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -Iāll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. Weāre going to have a tournament. -But thatās it. Thatās it right there. Thatās DuLoc. I told ya Iād find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaadās castle. -Uh-huh. Thatās the place. -Do you think maybe heās compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. Weāre late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, Iām not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -Itās quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Donāt make waves, stay in line And weāll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe yourā¦ face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ā¦ā¦ place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Letās do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. Youāre going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but itās a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -Itās hideous! -Ah, thatās not very nice. Itās just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Canāt we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I donāt give a damn about my reputation Youāre living in the past Itās a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And thatās what Iām gonna do And I donāt give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I donāt give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And Iām always feelinā good when Iām having fun -Yeah! And I donāt have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I donāt give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! Iām here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. Youāre won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? Iām already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. Iāll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and Iāll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. Youāre gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only donāt have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe thereās a good reason donkeys shouldnāt talk. -I donāt get it. Why donāt you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, thereās a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutinā little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I donāt careā¦ what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, āLetās get some parfait,ā they say, āNo, I donāt like no parfaitā? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? Iām making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. Iām on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Iām on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander Iām on my way Iām on my way Iām on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, youād be dead. {Sniffs} Itās brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Donāt be talking about itās the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasnāt no brimstone. It didnāt come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, itās big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys donāt have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys donāt have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You canāt tell me youāre afraid of heights. -Iām just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. Iām right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., weāll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And donāt look down. -Okay, donāt look down. Donāt look down. Donāt look down. Keep on moving. Donāt look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! Iām lookinā down! Oh, God, I canāt do this! Just let me off, please! -But youāre already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I donāt have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Letās have a dance then, shall me? -Donāt do that! -Oh, Iām sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! Iām doinā it. -Iām gonna die. Iām gonna die. Shrek, Iām gonna die. Oh! -Thatāll do, Donkey. Thatāll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkinā about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause thereās nothinā wrong with beinā afraid. Fearās a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesnāt mean youāre a coward if youāre a little scared. I sure as heck aināt no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ā¦ up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookinā for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheāll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. Iāll handle the stairs. Iāll find those stairs. Iāll whip their butt too. Those stairs wonāt know which way theyāre goinā. {Creacing} -Iām gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Donāt mess with me. Iām the stair master. Iāve mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Iād step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but whereās the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? Youāre - - Youāre a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course youāre a girl dragon. Youāre just reeking of feminine beauty. Whatās the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, Iād really love to stay, but you know, Iām, uh - - (Coughs) -Iām an asthmatic, and I donāt know if itād work out if youāre gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, thatās nice. Now letās go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. Thereās no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -Youāve had a lot of time to plan this, havenāt you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I donāt think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didnāt slay the dragon? -Itās on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isnāt right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. Thatās what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -Thatās not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The nextās over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe itās healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I donāt want to rush into a physical relationship. Iām not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word Iām looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Letās just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. Iām on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - Iād really love to stay, but - - Donāt do that! Thatās my tail! Thatās my personal tail. Youāre gonna tear it off. I donāt give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, itās getting him to shut up thatās the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! Iāll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! Youāre amazing. Youāre - - Youāre wonderful. Youāreā¦ a little unorthodox Iāll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think Iām a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldnāt - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasnāt in the job description. -Maybe itās a perk. -No, itās destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true loveās first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Letās just say Iām not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. Youāre my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really donāt think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -Iām not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - Youāre a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. Youāre not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didnāt he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -Youāre not making my job any easier. -Iām sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, Iāll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! Iām no oneās messenger boy, all right? Iām a delivery boy. -You wouldnāt dare. Put me down! -Ya cominā, Donkey? -Iām right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so hereās another question. Say thereās a woman that digs you, right, but you donāt really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings arenāt hurt, but you donāt get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her sheās not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -Youāre gonna love it there, Princess. Itās beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? Whatās he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaadās stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I donāt know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. Youāre just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe youāre right, Princess. But Iāll let you do the āmeasuringā when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? Itāll take that long? Shouldnāt we stop to make camp? -No, thatāll take longer. We can keep going. -But thereās robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Campingās starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. Iām scarier than anything weāre going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I donāt think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, itās perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, thatās Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars donāt tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, thereās Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what heās famous for. -I know youāre making this up. -No, look. There he is, and thereās the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That aināt nothinā but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when weāre through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, thereās no āweā. Thereās no āourā. Thereās just me and my swamp. The first thing Iām gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidinā something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isnāt it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why donāt you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -Iām not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, Iām warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now weāre gettinā somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -Whatās your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, Iām not the one with the problem, okay? Itās the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. āAah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!ā They judge me before they even know me. Thatās why Iām better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didnāt think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, thereās, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -Thatās the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. āCome on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -Whatās all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. Weāve got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? Itās a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, itās no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -Sheās as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, youāre not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldnāt judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -Thatās my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Canāt you see Iām a little busy here? -Look, pal, I donāt know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But Iām not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, Iām good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What heās basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush Thatās bad Thatās bad When a beautyās with a beast it makes me awfully mad Heās mad Heās really, really mad Iāll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause Iām about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case thereās a - - Thereās an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. Iām so sorry. -Why? Whatās wrong? -Shrekās hurt. -Shrekās hurt. Shrekās hurt? Oh, no, Shrekās gonna die. -Donkey, Iām okay. -You canāt do this to me, Shrek. Iām too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, Iām on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Donāt die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and Iāll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankinā. -Iām sorry, but it has to come out. -No, itās tender. -Now, hold on. -What youāre doing is the opposite of help. -Donāt move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasnāt color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! Iām cominā! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -Itās just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! Thatās the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, whatās that? {Nervous chickle} -Thatās- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearinā a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world thatās so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -Thatās DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaadās compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? Iām - - Iām worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesnāt look so good. -What are you talking about? Iām fine. -Thatās what they always say, and then next thing you know, youāre on your back. Dead. -You know, sheās right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, Iāll make you some tea. -I didnāt want to say nothinā, but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Whoās hungry? Iāll find us some dinner. -Iāll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goinā? Oh, man, I canāt feel my toes! I donāt have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, theyāre also great in stews. Now, I donāt mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess Iāll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. Iāll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -Iād like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isnāt this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, itās late. I-Itās very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see whatās goinā on here. Youāre afraid of the dark, arenāt you? -Yes! Yes, thatās it. Iām terrified. You know, Iād better go inside. -Donāt feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. Iām still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see whatās goinā on here. -Oh, what are you talkinā about? -I donāt even wanna hear it. Look, Iām an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were digginā on each other. I could feel it. -Youāre crazy. Iām just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - Thereās nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and Iām not sayinā I do 'cause I donāt - - sheās a princess, and Iām - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goinā? -To getā¦ move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -Itās very spooky in here. I aināt playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, itās okay. Itās okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, Iām the princess. -Aah! -Itās me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! Iāll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? Youāre, uh, uh, uh, different. -Iām ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - Iāve been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I aināt never seen you like this before. -Itās only happens when sun goes down. āBy night one way, by day another. This shall be the normā¦ until you find true loveās first kissā¦ and then take loveās true form.ā -Ah, thatās beautiful. I didnāt know you wrote poetry. -Itās a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. Thatās why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, itās not that bad. Youāre not that ugly. Well, I aināt gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrekās ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, Iām a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you donāt marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true loveās kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, youāre kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, howās it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. Iām okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because itās pretty and - - well, I donāt really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause youāre pretty. But I like you anyway. Iād - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -Iām in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I canāt just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? āPrincessā and āuglyā donāt go together. Thatās why I canāt stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Donāt you see, Donkey? Thatās just how it has to be. Itās the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You canāt breathe a word. No one must ever know. -Whatās the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you wonāt tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I wonāt tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, Iām gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchinā. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, thereās something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I donāt - - Thereās something I have to tell you. -You donāt have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought youād understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, āWho could love a hideous, ugly beast?ā -But I thought that wouldnāt matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, Iāve brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -Whatād I miss? Whatād I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldnāt have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. Iām Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shortā¦ farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You donāt have to waste good manners on the orge. Itās not like it has feelings. -No, youāre right. It doesnāt. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! Iāll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Letās get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? Youāre right. The sooner, the better. Thereās so much to do! Threreās the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? Youāre letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, thereās something about her you donāt know. Look, I talked to her last night, Sheās - - -I know you talked to her last night. Youāre great pals, arenāt ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why donāt you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didnāt I? Youāre not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you donāt really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, Iāve been here before I know this room Iāve walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you Iāve seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march Itās a cold and itās a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And itās not a cry you can hear at night Itās not somebody whoās seen the light Itās a cold and itās a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wallās supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See thatās your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. Iām not through with you yet. -Well, Iām through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you itās always, āMe, me, me!ā Well, guess what! Now itās my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you donāt appreciate anything that I do! Youāre always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because thatās what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. Youāre right, Donkey. I forgive youā¦ for stabbinā me in the back! -Ohh! Youāre so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, youāre afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasnāt talkinā about you. She was talkinā about, uh, somebody else. -She wasnāt talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I aināt saying anything. You donāt wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. Iām sorry, all right? {Sighs} -Iām sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, thatās what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why donāt you just go ask her? -The wedding! Weāll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, thereās a will, thereās a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess itās just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Donāt get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I havenāt had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the unionā¦. -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the āI doāsā? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, Iāll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, donāt you? -What are you talking about? -Thereās a line you gotta wait for. The preacherās gonna say, āSpeak now or forever hold your peace.ā Thatās when you say, āI object!ā -I donāt have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, donāt you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole townās in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -Theyāre at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havinā a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, itās rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Itās a little late for that, so if youāll excuse me - - -But you canāt marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because heās just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, donāt listen to him. -Heās not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? Itās preposterous! Fiona, my love, weāre but a kiss away from our āhappily ever after.ā Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -āBy night one way, by day another.ā I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! Itās disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Donāt just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -Iāll make you regret the day we met. Iāll see you drawn and quartered! -Youāll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -Iāll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -Iām king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and Iām not afraid to use it. {Roars} -Iām a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -āUntil you find true loveās first kiss and then take loveās true form.ā -āTake loveās true form. Take loveās true form.ā -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I donāt understand. Iām supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me Thatās the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now Iām a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind Iām in love Ooh-aah Iām a believer I couldnāt leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now Iām a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind Iām in love Ooh-aah Iām a believer I couldnāt leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now Iām a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! Iām in love Iām a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe Iām a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, thatās funny. Oh. Oh. -I canāt breathe. I canāt breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems Iāve got my head on straight Iām a freak an apparition Seems Iāve made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Donāt wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Donāt want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And itās off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Donāt wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Donāt want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay homeā¦ā¦ā¦ I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh Itās a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So letās be together for all of our time Oh, girl, Iām so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Letās just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh Itās a new romance Itās a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦.. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right Whatās left is out of sight Whatās a girl to do Iām telling you Youāre on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when youāre standinā next to me Itās like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free Itās like wow And when we touch itās such a rush I canāt get enough Itās like- - Itās like Ooh-ooh Hey, what Itās like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah Itās like wow Everything is looking right now, right now Itās like wow And I got this feeling This feeling itās just like wow Itās just like wow You are all Iām thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way Iām feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me Thereās a smile Thereās a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long Thereās no more mystery It is finally clear to me Youāre the home my heartās searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over Iām filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face Special help by SergeiKĀ
... fu ck
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