#fuck this was my entire high school life

[sleep-nurse]

does anyone else's jaw always crack/pop everytime you open it slightly wide. my brother keeps calling me a crocodile

#sunflower rambles #i've been having this for my entire life #i remember going to check because my gums were hurting last year #(i had a wisdom tooth coming out that i later got removed) #and literally 3 doctors pointed out how my jaw tends to pop and get stuck easily #instead of. yknow. checking that fucking wisdom tooth #is this not normal #i'm literally a cryptid i can pop my jaw constantly and twist my tongue and do a wave with my hands #that i scare my classmates with everytime. from elementary to middle to high school #they always say i have no bones #also i sleep like a dead dinosaur

[heycoyotegirl]

the writers should've just committed to the one-sided pining daxton, but they're cowards who refused to accept that it's fundamentally impossible to write a version of paxton who is not in love with devi

#nhie #nhie s4 #never have i ever #paxton hall yoshida #devi vishwakumar #nhie s4 spoilers #nhie spoilers #nhie meta #my post #like youre telling me that everything about his character regressed EXCEPT his feelings for devi??? #he's been in love with her since his junior year!!!! #he spent all of season three hung up on her and we never see him move on but somehow he's magically over her #when his entire arc is literally about him retreating to his comfort zone and returning to his high school??? #what the fuck are you talking about #fucking terminal case of 'he would not say that' #unless you dedicate an enormous amount of screen time to him moving on it just Does Not Work #and honestly the ending felt too picture-perfect and neat with everyone paired up #paxton pining but resigned to not getting back together might have been a bit of a bummer but it would've been more real to life #and fit the messy & imperfect vibe of the show #also im a sucker for pining #tho i mean. darren barnet was def doing his best to show that paxton still has feelings for devi even with the scraps the script gave him #tag ramble

[crushes-georg]

(<- girlthing who is self conscious about her weight again)

#vent post ig. weight talk incoming #did you know i havent weighed myself in going on 4 years because im too scared to see the number on the scale #last time i weighed myself i was in the 220s and i KNOW its gone up from there #when i was in high school i had to weigh myself every morning every day for an entire year and log every single calorie i ate #and it fucked me up for the rest of my life #please god i cannot even imagine pulling ANYONE on my list looking like i do and i know factually im too heavy for most of them #so its like #why the hell am i deluding myself #to all my fellow heavy mutuals i promise you guys can pull anyone you want you guys are gorgeous #this is all Deeply Specific. i have a unique combination of features that total out to me being fucking disgusting

[aeide-thea]

thinking about all the women whose orbits i've had to remove myself from bc they meant too much to me while i meant too little to them

#i don't talk abt this particular feeling much bc i'm not entirely convinced it's a value-neutral sort of incompatibility— #i tend to feel it's an indication of my own fundamental warping‚ that i get greedy and codependent and desperate and can't just be chill #and that it probably has something to do with the fucked-up codependent relationship model i was raised with #but it really is just like. from the high school friendship i had to drop even though i was besotted (flavor undefined) with her #bc i couldn't handle being Just One of Many Hangers-On‚ even though she said she valued and cared abt me #to the metamour i adored (flavor undefined) who supposedly valued and cared abt me too‚ but‚ like‚ not enough #to the ex-moot who remade who i really mournfully decided i couldn't re-follow bc i couldn't stop pedestalizing her #out of all proportion with the actual intimacy of our actual interactions… #idk. just feels like. very much a Recurrent Pattern for me and not a great one! #(and like. obviously the easy read here is that it was unrequited love every time; and who knows‚ maybe it was— #but it's never been obvious to me what the exact flavor of the thing was‚ just that it was sweet and tangy until eventually it stung) #anyway. i would say 'idk what even got me onto this' but actually i know exactly what got me onto this #which was: reading fic where half the pairing was aro #and like. in the fic it worked for them‚ and like‚ in life it's so often been so close to working for me! #but then the black hole of Undefined Sad Yearning inevitably starts to gape #anyway. hashtag nightblogging ig‚ lol #feelingsblogging #past lives #the psyche #(eta thinking abt it more this has also sometimes happened with trans ppl of various non-woman stripes #but in those instances i *have* just mentally filed the dynamic under (failed/abortive) romance+‚ i think #honestly very possible that's where every instance of it belongs and it's just that i don't know how to be in love with women. #like i don't identify as not-attracted-to-women‚ i'm definitely attracted to women— #'sometimes‚' i started to say‚ but like. i'm attracted to women at the same rate i'm attracted to people of other genders‚ really— #but like. societal queerphobia really does a number on you. #like. not that playing the woman's part in the cishet relationship-escalator model appeals or makes any sense for me either #but at least it's‚ idk‚ something to kick off from?? #whereas with women it's just like. a ladder into mysterious fog. how do. where go. #insane to me that i'm this old and yet this is still where i am with this. god.)

[elytrafemme]

i feel like such an asshole for being so frigid and neglectful of one of my back-home friends but i am still not past the part where every time i mention that i have friends in college she starts crying or just the general like. cyclic conversations and over-earnesty. which isn't a bad trait like, being nice isn't a bad trait, but she's nice in a really weird guilting way where like. if i was ever upset she would do nice things so i would have to respond emphatically after even if i asked her to leave me alone. or if i send her one text she sends me three saying that she misses me. i really don't know what to do because i think she will be literally fucking impossible to reduce my friendship with, because i don't want to lose her but i really hate that i am still her Best Friend Ever and i'm not allowed to have new friends.

#like we used to be really close in high school but i was also going through so much back then #and even during our friendship at moments i was barely hanging on #we're like so compatible on her end and so barely compatible on mine #and i was fine with it because you cannot like Get Rid Of Her. that's fucking impossible. by being nice to her #i kind of sealed my fate but again!!! she's really lovely!!! #i just need her to like!!! meet one other person!!! #this isn't high school anymore i'm not watching movies with her to escape from the exploitation i felt everywhere else #i'm happy now but when i talk to her i feel that tiredness again #obviously if i vocalized this to her everyone she ever met in her entire life would know and she'd be depressed and angry #and her like. family would hate me. which would hurt a lot #but she does not get the fucking hint. even if the hint is like hey i want to talk to you just text me a little less #she doesn't get that. she just keeps texting me like. three times a week. #so like yes i'm an asshole but i don't really. i would like to have a chance to amend my wrongs #but we're kind of at an impasse where the best thing is for us to just Stop. and i don't think she's ever going to

[jikigo]

you ever just see a post and just

. 😭

.⬅️🫀⬅️

#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up #don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon #outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years! #Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid #shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the #entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking #ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so #thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck #And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me #There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder #everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend #“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when #you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn #At least someone wants to talk to me #Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others #promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life #Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting #What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something #It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you #Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn #Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place #And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject #Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like #Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me #It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn #I fucking hate everything

[yellowsubiesdance]

i found my old sheet music from high school, and found one of my absolute favorite pieces we ever played, and i have the most severe bout of painful nostalgia i’ve had in a while

#it’s been 10+ years #that fucking hurts #i miss high school so much sometimes #no it wasn’t the best time of my life or anything i fully believe that those days are coming #but as of my life right now i truly peaked in high school #god dammit i miss playing in orchestra so fucking badly #that was what my entire life revolved around at the time #nothing else really compared #it was my entire life to play violin in that orchestra #i just miss it so much i feel like i’ve been chasing that high ever since #i might reach out to my old teacher and find out if i can join them for their spring program #it’s probably been a while since he had alumni perform with them so that could be fun #i want to cry i miss those days so badly it hurts #journal 2024

[sourkitsch]

Do you ever think you’re not meant for this world and would fit so much more easily into the depraved sex horror mutilation novels you’re so fond of

#I’ve been through so much fucked up shit and now I’m just supposed to go to work? #sometimes I feel like I’m on a different plane of reality that only people who have been exposed to horrific things can access #and that’s why it’s so hard to get along with people. like they don’t know what it’s like to suffer #there’s a degree of pain where you turn into an animal . and someone needs to have known that #it’s like we’re entirely different organism like Neanderthals and Homosapiens. same ecological niche but fundamentally not the same #that metaphor will break down if you squint too hard at it #this is very stream of consciousness #but genuinely a lot of my closest relationships throughout my life have been with cult survivors and people who’s parents are murderers #or have survived similar shit that I have. I dated a guy in high school who’s dad shot his grandma while he was asleep in the house #(for those who keep track he’s the one who left his literal nazi fiancé for me . he was a nice enough guy just in a complicated situation) #it’s like we can all speak the same language without sounding like gibberish #I love not phasing people it’s so humiliating when my life is the most horrific thing someone has ever heard of #anyway the novel I finished today was very comforting . to me <3 it felt like a world I’d like to sink into and live in #give it up for auto-amputation

[zemnarihah]

my best friend has been very distant w me lately and i asked today if she wanted to hang out and she said she probably couldn't bc it's her brothers birthday but she would let me know if she could and i have her location and i just looked and she's at her boyfriends house rn....

#we have it bc we're roomates so we started sharing locations when we first moved in like in case someone doesn't come home at night or smth #she recently told me that she wants to move out bc she has always wanted to live alone and she can finally afford it. and i asked her #directly like is there an issue because she is so non confrontational so she has never ever mentioned me doing anything that bothers her #and i said please tell me if there's something wrong because it would really suck if there was and i never got a chance to fix it because #you never told me. and she said no it has nothing to do with that i really just feel like it's time for me to live on my own. and a couple #days ago she was like okay i'm next in line for my apartment i'll probably move out in april. and i try to get her to hang out still and #she always has something else going on and i swear every night this week she's been at her boyfriends. #and if i see her around our apartment and try to make conversation at all she's so like short about it and barely responds like will only #give one word answers. i feel like it kind of started when i started dating e but i realized that i was spending less time with her and i #didn't want to be the girl that loses all my friends bc of a boyfriend so i started specifically reaching out to hang out with her and she #says no most of the time and never asks me. like i don't know what else i can do. #i'm like maybe it's bc of her boyfriend? bc they've been on again off again for a long time and previously when they were together it was #really distant with her like i barely saw her EVER. and they were mostly broken up for the past couple years and have been together i think #for a while again... but she knows i don't approve of that relationship and so she would like not say when they were talking again. so maybe #since lately they've been hanging out or dating or WHATEVER she doesn't fucking tell me what's going on with him. maybe that's why. #i literally like try to think of ways it could be my fault and maybe i'm being crazy but i cannot even think to blame myself for more than a #fleeting second bc i'm like. i have ASKED HER directly if there is an issue or something i do that bothers her and she says no. so even if #i'm somehow pissing her off would i ever know to change anything?? i just feel so frustrated bc it's like she's an entirely different person #to me. like this is not the person i know. and i don't know what else i could possibly do like i feel like we need to sit down and have a #conversation about it but what good does that do if she just acts like nothing is wrong. but i don't want to lose my friend i have such a #hard time making friends. i've known her since i was 14 like i can't imagine my life without her. we were the only two in our whole friend #group in high school to get out of the church i still love those other girls but we have so little in common now.

[viktortittiforov]

the 2010s sure were a time in my life

#there's just....... there's just something about that time #it might have something to do with 2011 being the year i started high school and 2019 being the year i finished my BA #and also the last year before the pandemic #I DON'T KNOW I JUST. THINKING BACK ON IT THERE IS THIS MYSTIQUE TO THAT TIME. THIS STRANGE EXCITEMENT #which is most likely a result of me finally beginning to feel like i can shape my own life and who i am and daydreaming abt a better future #and like exploring myself. in 2010 i turned 14 and fully realised i'm bi and throughout the decade #i experimented with a variety of different like...... identifications and imaginations of who i am #some of those were quite consumer identities (e.g. i strove to be and was a very hipster teen) but nevertheless #i don't know dudes like. the pandemic took a lot from me in terms of ability to be excited about what's to come i think #even though my life is pretty good i'd say #but also maybe that's just what it's like to grow into adulthood and get a job etc. SIGH why am i writing an entire fucking essay #abt my 2010s teenagehood nostalgia #like majority of those years also SUCKED because i had zero real irl friends and was really lonely lmfao #it felt like life didn't really start for me yet #and i was constantly waiting to burst into it. maybe that's the mystique. constantly hoping i am on the precipice of smth extraordinary #is nostalgia for one's teenage yrs inevitable? even if you feel like you missed out on most experiences considered quintessentially teenage? #i only started having Teenage Experiences™ when i went to uni lmfao (i.e. early 20s) #but idk it's such a loaded period psychologically and it's horrible and frustrating when you're living it but then you think back on it #and you're like man..... sure was a time huh. wow #but idk my experience could also be influenced by so many other variables #e.g. smartphones and social networks becoming widespread and common #that was also a pretty significant thing that happened #anyway i think i'm abt to run out of tags so. that's it #sry this shoulda gone into my diary probably but i inflicted it on you instead #neptalks

[wutheringmights]

.

#my digestive issues are literally under the most control they have ever been in my life and they are still ruining my life #woke up fine today. went to a coffee shop. had to leave after an hour #i had so many plans for today and now i'm stuck at home because i can't be too far away from a bathroom #i didn't eat anything that would trigger this. my gut just hates me i guess #earlier this month i have a risk food but i thought i took enough precautions to be safe and it fucked me up for like #2 weeks straight #i wonder what its like for people to not have to wonder about bathroom access every time they leave the house #i wonder what its like to eat normal foods without calculating how sick its going to make you #i wonder what its like to not have entire plans tossed out the window for reasons beyond your control #fucking sucks man #i hate ibs #in exchange for my terrible gut i do have a fantastic immune system somehow but weirdly that means i never take time off work? #ok so i am so good at just managing my issues that i just power through whenever im sick. #it's not like i can afford to take time off whenever i feel sick anyway and besides once you have to take multiple AP tests in high school #while in the middle of an episode you grow a lot of tolerance for being functional while sick #but then. i just i could have excuses to take days off because i have a cold or something. get a rest every now and then #but what illnesses i get beyond digestion issues are so slight that i can just. power through. i am never ill enough to take time off #and i get so worried that one day I will need that PTO that I can't convince myself to use it for like mental health days and ugh #this is more of a personal problem than anything but still. i wish i got sick like a normal person

[kraviolis]

if i had to guess, i’d estimate that only about 1/3 of all the fanfiction i’ve written has been posted.

#krav talks #i have posted 2 star wars fanfics that equal about 20k-28k words altogether iirc #but i estimate myself to have written probably like. 80k words worth of star wars fanfic #also i have like 200k words worth of gravity falls fics ive never posted #and 25k worth of steven universe fics #and you dont even wanna KNOW how much ive written for half life/hlvrai and never finished. #i was fucking insane in 2020. i was riding a high that im forever trying to recreate #a lil 18 year old freshly dropped out of high school right before the pandemic hit so i never had to do zoom school #i had just stopped going to therapy but at the same times just started taking adhd meds that actually worked after 2 years of duds #sometimes i wonder if i have bipolar disorder just because that whole entire era of my life could be classified as a manic episode #maybe i just hibernate in the winters actually. bcus consistently every single summer for the past 4-5 years have felt similarly #oh my god wait. no im dumb i just have seasonal depression. #i cant believe i was thinking that feeling good and motivated and happy and being full of life was mania

[fructidors]

girl help three bad days have got me seriously considering switching schools again

#this is the awful thing about my brain #i have one (1) bad experience and i'm immediately like GET ME OUT I NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE PERMANENTLY #it's why i've almost never made it through a full term of summer camp #i'm sure i'll wake up on monday and realize better (much better) academics are probably not worth. all the downsides #but for now it's not fun #i also know theater tech starting again will make me feel like i have more of a place but i don't WANT to rely on theater tech again #that was supposed to be for freshman year while i was still figuring everything out THIS year i was supposed to LIKE my CLASSES #every class is honors or ap. and i genuinely cannot tell the difference #i need to be somewhere that wants me to try i need it so so so bad #but bad enough to literally uproot my entire life??? god i hate being in high school so so so much #can we move past it??? now?? please?? #i'm ready for the next thing. please and thank you. #sorry sorry sorry the average teenage angst is not fucking letting up

[famewolf]

all my old fav youtubers coming back this fall has gotten me into a mood where I've been diving back into old bands I used to listen to religiously. and i gotta say ... they all still slap

#[static] #not that i ever stopped listening to them much but ive been playing the entire album instead of just listening to favorites #so many memories tied to certain albums fkjghdf #i dont miss being a teen/in my early 20s at all life was so much harder and confusing and it was the height of my worst mental health years #but the world did feel simpler #the punk and emo scene fucked HARD in the early 2000s and 2010s #i hope we see a revival (and i feel like ive been seeing some new artists that hit that nostalgia in the right way) #i have been genuinely feeling Older recently and not in a bad way. its just funny to be in an age bracket that is a minority where i work #ppl are either way to old to know what im talking about or where literal babies when i was in school #i had to explain what camp was at work the other day and also they had no idea what rocky horror picture show was and me and the - #other gay millennial at work were losing our minds that people in their 20s hadnt heard of rocky horror #politely losing our minds of course like ... who cares if people dont know or do the things we did as young queers but also it - #- definitely made us feel older! #theyve also been playing a station that has all the music from my middle school and high school years .... #you know you're getting old when theres now a store radio station for it LOL they never play anything current

[grimdarkenedhope]

fucking lol at the stealth terf who accused me of Not All Men-ing her for simply pointing out that women can (and must certainly do) be as abusive and gross as men can be and that casting all women as "not behaving like that" will only serve to create more abusive evil women by absolving them of responsibility for their actions by virtue of gender.

she then assumed my gender based on my appearance by claiming im "going against my own", so i pointed out her terf rhetoric and nb erasure and thanked her for the gender euphoria, and she reacted by calling me a lunatic and a pick-me-girl

#that's gotta be the funniest conversation I've ever had with a shithead. i wish every convo with bigots could go that way xD #according to her the gma that would beat me/my mom that emotionally/psychologically tormented me & controlled my life/ #/the ex that tore apart entire friend groups w her manipulation & cruelty and opened cards in my name while hacking my Amazon account/ #/the former friend who refused to have my back when her friend kept tormenting me & my roommate then harrassed me for a month when i... #...cut her off for her lack of concern for our wellbeing and lack of spine to do the right thing / #/ the various classmates & peers (all girls) that would grope & molest me on a regular basis in elementary middle and high school / #/ the former friend who raped me repeatedly for years attempted to isolate me from anyone who showed interest in me forced me to overeat & #& get upset if i didn't finish her meals as well as my own which resulted in horrid amounts of weight gain & ran off with her new victim... #...after her attempt at revenge (getting my partner to leave me) failed miserably #all of them were just 'being a little mean' apparently. according to her. lmao. fucking loser xD

[idiotsofoz]

my dad when he goes through my entire room while i'm not home and throws a bunch of my stuff away because he wants to catch evidence of me doing something bad which he inevitably won't find: why don't my kids trust me🥺🥺

#he threw away my fucking DEODORANT like what #he thinks that im doing horrible things behind his back and then gets mad when he cant prove it because it means im ''hiding'' it #no dad youre just convinced im a bad person and im really not sure why . #hes been like this my entire life but its gotten worse since i turned 18 hes been accusing me of stealing and shit #i cannot fucking wait to move out when i graduate high school hes never fucking seeing me again