#first one has me feeling crazy. like 19th century mental asylum crazy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fiftysevenacademics · 3 years

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I woke up from a deep sleep and weird dream in the middle of the night last night, had one of those late-night-profound-thoughts, went back to sleep, and still remembered the Profound Thought in the morning so now you get to hear it too. It involves mental health and is below the cut.

Being by nature somewhat of a loner and misanthrope, and blessed with a loving partner and large house with even larger backyard and two perfect dogs, psychologically and emotionally, I’ve been doing pretty well in the pandemic. But it has taken great effort and lately I feel like I’m going a little crazy- hair-trigger anger, fits of crying, completely overwhelmed by anything involving scheduling or misbehaving technology, unreasonable irritability with my girlfriend, etc. You get the picture.

For the past few days, I’ve been thinking, “I’m a hysteric. This is what the Victorians would have called hysteria.” A passing thought conjured up mostly to entertain myself.

I read an article about how lots of people are feeling like this right now and it has to do with redirecting anger and grief about all the horrible things that have happened this past year over which we have no effect or control. It made sense.

The Profound Thought, which, I hasten to remind you, occurred in a flash of consciousness in between heavy (cannabis-assisted) sleep cycles, was that well-to-do Victorian women lived lives somewhat similar to the life I’ve been leading in the pandemic. They were supposed to spend most of their time indoors, doing quiet, gentle crafts like embroidery, perhaps taking sedate walks with a friend being careful not to overexert themselves, and abstaining from interaction with anything that could cause high emotional arousal.

I’m sure 19th Century specialists will jump in at this point to correct whatever I misunderstand about this era but please, just bear with me for a moment.

Well-to-do women (poor women couldn’t afford to live like this) must have led lives that shielded them from a great deal of sensory, emotional, and physical stimuli. When they experienced heightened stimulation for whatever reason, perhaps they really did have somewhat extreme reactions. Perhaps one of the conditions (I know that there were many) that Victorian doctors diagnosed as “hysteria” was really something like what I, and apparently many other people in the pandemic, are experiencing?

It has been a solid year now of minimal face-to-face interactions and those mostly with people in my own household, less physical activity, confinement around the home, a limited range of emotional arousal and expression. A lot of effort made to avoid anything that makes me too anxious or too angry (there has been a lot of both the past year) as a coping mechanism. Baking and gardening to cope.

But just as in Victorian times, you can’t really escape trauma, anxiety, grief, and rage, no matter how sedate your life is. And now that the end is in sight for me (I’ve had my first vaccine dose and second is scheduled), it’s like a bubble is beginning to burst. I’m actually a bit apprehensive and wary of going back into the world, of what the world will be like “after”. And, of course, there is still climate change to make me feel nothing but grief about going back out into a world that is dying.

Anyhow, the Profound Thought was that a Victorian doctor would absolutely have diagnosed me with hysteria and it’s kind of weird to know that in a way, he’d be right. It might be the best English label for my mental state right now. A condition that in the 19th Century most often described experiences of gender and class is now something that many people are experiencing.

Thinking of myself as a Victorian Hysteric is bizarrely comforting and I like to imagine I have a tiny bit of insight into the emotional lives of some women in the past. I don’t know if this is accurate, but it’s going to help me get through the next few months. I’m glad no one will subject me to water torture or lock me in an insane asylum, though.

#stuff you probably don't want to know but I'm telling you anyway

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