#february 7th is so fucking far away dude

[weepingintellectual]

im in love with you

January 7th, 2020

It’s currently 11:12 PM while writing this. I’m listening to the playlist I made that I filled with songs that remind me of how much I love you, songs that make me smile when I think about you, songs that remind me of the hard times I felt being with you. I filled that playlist with songs that express how I feel emotionally about you, about us. I use it as my main playlist because it makes me feel more content.

You know when we first started talking, I didn’t think much about it. I remember feeling nervous but alive at the same time. I was nervous because the last time I had sex it was with someone I hate thinking about. Another reason was because I was at an uncomfortable stage with my body. I didn’t love myself and I had little confidence in myself in general at the time. I remember seeing your photo for the first time, it made me feel alive, it made me giggle and blush. I felt sort of conflicted because of your looks. I felt like you were someone in high school that I would avoid or you were just someone who wouldn’t even acknowledge that I existed. But I said fuck feeling nervous, I’m gonna let this dude fuck me.

Our first night meeting in person, on my birthday, something clicked in me. I’m not used to finding comfort in someone so easily but I seemingly found that comfort with you. But I’d say that night was quite beautiful. It’s something I’ve never done before hence another reason why I felt so fucking alive. I remember after you dropped me off at home, I went inside my room and I felt like a teenager again. I was smiling and basically telling myself “I can’t believe I did that!” I never expected you to come into my life. I couldn’t see any of this coming. But I always had this feeling I was going to like you, that you were going to mean something to me, that I would eventually fall for you in the future. You just had that charm, the humor I always searched for in someone. Sometimes it felt like I was sort of talking to another version of myself that I only really knew deep down.

Honestly, I can’t really pinpoint where that feeling of interest started. I always denied that I liked you until my cousin confronted me about it. I took what we were doing as something fun. Like I said, I’ve never really quite done this before and you were someone new to me too. The day my cousin confronted me, it fucking hit me like a bitch. I denied it because I was afraid. I’m afraid of being hurt, I’m afraid of what the future might’ve held for us. I was afraid that you probably wouldn’t feel the same way as I do. I tried so hard to convince myself that I didn’t like you, though deep down inside I knew how I felt about you but I kept it to myself. I wanted to make you believe I didn’t like you like that but I mean you saw right through me haha. But I find it crazy sometimes about how far we’ve gotten. On February 28th, it’s gonna be a year ever since we started talking.

My first relationship was pretty awful and it ruined me a lot mentally. I felt like I was trapped in something I didn’t think I could ever get out of. He constantly put me down, he manipulated me and he made me feel so insecure about myself. I felt used, I felt hurt. We constantly fought and I always felt like I had to apologize for everything. I’ve lost so much because of that relationship. No one realized I was miserable.

Being with you feels entirely different though. I felt happy. You supported and believed in me and that’s something I never exactly had in my life. I had someone who constantly made me have positive thoughts. Whenever we’re texting, I’m always constantly smiling, laughing so loud to the point where people tell me to shut up. I talk about you a lot to others and I think so highly of you because I think you’re an amazing person. When things at home are shit and I get a text from you, it comforts me. When we’re together it makes me feel more at home rather than my actual home. So much bad shit has happened in my life and being comfortable with someone is so fucking hard for me and especially finding comfort in a love interest. I’ve dealt with a lot whenever it came to love interests. My ex manipulated me a lot and the last guy before you took advantage of me and told me that it was my fault. Ever since that happened, it started tearing me down and I went into a bad place. I had no support from any one of my friends and I felt so alone. I didn’t want to have sex with anyone else after that. But you were the first person I slept with after what happened and it was hard for me to just simply go out and have sex with someone. Even from the start, our sex has always felt good for me and it’s gotten even better when I started loving you. But regardless even when we’re not having sex, when I’m laying on your chest, I feel safe and secure. I love being with you. You’re my safety net.

I remember the moment I started having this feeling of complete fucking happiness, this euphoric feeling, the moment I thought your smile was the most precious thing ever. You were wearing your jean jacket, black jeans, a gray tank top underneath your light beige hoodie and you were wearing your CDG’s or what you like to call it, retarded heart shoes. That moment was one of my favorite moments with you. You were pretending you were those shoe review youtubers and it was also the same day you looked in my closet and started shooting me with my nerf gun haha. And since then, my feelings for you started developing into something more.

As much as you have brought happiness and have been one of my biggest factors of me shifting and growing into an entirely different version of myself, there have been those moments where the things you have said hurt me. There would be those moments where you were the reason for my sadness. As sad as it probably seems, I feel like I always know my place in people’s lives and I think I know my place in yours and whenever I start to think about that, I start hurting. I ask myself if I’m even good enough, I ask myself if I even actually matter to you. The thing is with you, I find myself overthinking a lot because I don’t know the answers to my thoughts because you don’t tell me whenever I do ask you about it. So, I’m just left with my thoughts. I always find myself trying to ignore it and I convince myself that I probably do have some sort of meaning to you.

I’ve never truly loved someone but I don’t even need to convince myself that I love you because I know I do. I have never doubted my feelings for you. I have this one hundred percent feeling that I love you. I constantly show my care for you because I feel like you deserve it, I want you to always know that I care about you. I know what it feels like to be unloved and used, I feel like that’s just the way my life is meant to be sometimes. All I ever want is to love someone and to be loved by someone. I’m certain you’re that someone I love but I won’t force you to love me. Some of my friends asked me, you’re not hurt by the fact that he doesn’t love you or hasn’t said it? But I find no problem in that. Love is tricky and it isn’t fun when the hard times come around. Love can be complicated but I find it worth it with you.

I think memories are very valuable because they can form as anything. They can be happy, sad, filled with anger, humor, anything. I’ll always cherish them regardless of how it makes me feel because these feelings can’t be avoided. As much as I always like to think about our happy moments, one of the bad moments I’ve had with you was the day after Halloween. I told you I love you, you replied back telling me you love me too and at that very moment my heart sank into my stomach. It felt like fireworks but I knew you didn’t mean it so I had to shut down that feeling of excitement. The next day, I confronted you about it and the way you responded just ruined me in that moment. I remember what I was doing that entire time when that happened. I remember I was eating out with my family, I remember trying to hold in my tears the entire time. The car ride home, I sat in the passenger seat looking out the window just begging to get home faster so I could go into my room, lay on my bed and cry. I remember laying there and while we were texting I pretended to be alright. I always find myself pushing away those times where you make me sad and it fucks me up.

One of the songs in the playlist I made that stands out the most to me is Ivy by Frank Ocean. These lyrics stood out the most for me and I hope you see why;

I thought that I was dreamin'

When you said you love me

The start of nothin'

I had no chance to prepare

I couldn't see you comin'

There were things you didn't need to say

Did you mean to? Mean to

I've been dreamin' of you, dreamin' of you

I've been dreamin' of you, dreamin' of you

I've been dreamin', dreaming

Do you think you could ever feel the same way about me? I know you’ve told me before that we’re already basically boyfriend and girlfriend just without the official seal of approval. I just want to know how you feel about me because I don’t know the answers to that. I know how I can be sometimes and I know that sometimes I could be a little selfish but you’re the only person I feel this way with and I can’t imagine feeling this way with anyone else or do you think I’m just stupid and that I’m not worth being with?

[hollenka99]

The Friend

Summary: When Sean is six, he creates an imaginary friend. Jack lingers into adulthood and their friendship isn’t as perfect as the little boy had hoped.

When Sean is six, he spends the night at his friend's house. Max's big brother dared them to stay up all night. As much as he tried, the little boy couldn't stop himself from dozing off before midnight. Max teased him about his failure until it got out of hand. Years later, Sean would look back on it all and conclude that Max was a bad friend. In response to the teasing, he invents an imaginary friend. Jack is kind and forgiving. He doesn't care if Sean is loud and instead joins in with the noise. More importantly, at least to the boy, he never sleeps. He is there for him whenever Sean requires him to be. He has no mind with which to object or act otherwise if he wanted. He is the perfect friend. Jack has more energy than Sean. He can continue to run around the school track while Sean has to call it quits. As children, they laugh and suggest it's because Sean plays too many video games. They know their logic is flawed. Sean runs around with his friends as much as they sit down to play on game consoles. But like all children, Sean grows up. Teenagers aren't meant to have imaginary friends. When he was younger, conversing with Jack was seen as sweet. Now older, he'd begun to leave childish things like invisible buddies behind. However, Jack lingers and Sean notices him on occasions. One such moment was after he plays the PlayStation version of Spider-Man 2 and they design a superhero together. Jack is a ghost, no longer required to serve his purpose. He collects figurative dust in the corner of his best friend's mind. Each time he is brought back, even if he can't express it, he is grateful. It prevents him from completely fading into non-existence. Existing as a faded memory is all he really knows by this point. One day, he'll be able to say barely existing is purely numbing. However, for the moment, he doesn't know better. For now, his 'life' and actions continue to be entirely at Sean's mercy. Soon, Sean is 23 and passing 1000 subscribers on his YouTube channel. Jack is proud of him. He smiles on his own accord. It disappears when he feels the muscles in his cheeks tug themselves upwards. Sean is nowhere to be seen. He hasn't existed without Sean being present before. He's not sure what to do without him or how to find him. Awareness of free will dumps him in an empty room. It is only him, the floorboards, four bare walls and a single door. He needs to know where Sean is. How does he proceed without his creator instructing him? Despite all the energetic activity he was subjected to as a child, he is clumsy as he runs towards the door. He falls on his face in front of Sean's TV. His hands sting from absorbing the impact. Upon laying eyes on his only friend, he realises they are wearing the exact same outfit. Neither of them know how to deal with this development. The two of them eventually progress past 'What the fuck?!' 'Don't ask me!'. Becoming real is the strangest thing he's experienced thus far. If he came into contact with something real like a desk, his body would reacted the same way as Sean's because he couldn't imagine a body clipping through surfaces like a badly designed character model. Now when he sits on a sofa, he actually feels the seat underneath his body. Being alive, being able to feel things for the first time is beyond any expectations he could have had. It's July, summer is underway. If he'll be able to register the sensation now, he wants to have the sun on his exposed skin. Sean laughs when he hears this and says it's a shame they don't live in a place where sunshine is more common. A particularly hot day arrives and Sean brings a tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream back to the cabin. It's cold and chocolatey, with little chewy bits of brownie. Jack falls in love instantly. He goes out and buys more flavours any time the sky warms his skin. Sean playfully teases him about getting fat if his habit continues. The Jacksepticeye channel becomes theirs, not just Sean's. They both play games and grumble to each other about how slow things take to get uploaded thanks to the cabin's terrible broadband. Anything personal like a Q&A or comment reading video remains purely Sean's territory. Their arrangement works, especially with Jack editing into the night so Sean could sleep. Months pass and the weather cools. Unlike warmth, he hates being unable to have complete control of his body as it is overtaken by tiny shaking movements. Sean tells him he's just shivering. If he puts on another layer of clothing, it won't be so bad. His friend seems happier in general. He's not quite so lonely anymore. Jack is glad to be able to contribute to that in any way. He notices Sean making himself hot chocolate one day in December. He's confused when he is abruptly forbidden from making or tasting the drink himself. A week into February, everything becomes clear. "Hey Jack, happy birthday!" Sean hands him a mug of milky brown liquid. He accepts it hesitantly. "But it's your birthday. I got you a present and everything." "Yeah but you need to have a birthday too. And February 7th the best day to have one, in my opinion. Might be the tiniest bit biased on that though." He grins. "Go on, I've been wanting to see what you think of hot chocolate." Later, after Jack has made a few cups of the drink for himself, he'll realise this first serving was a little milk heavy. However, his obliviousness is beneficial. He drinks it eagerly once it cools a little, his first ever birthday present. Sean promises to get him something better next year, once they're more sure of Jack's likes and dislikes. Jack tells Angus about it. The Australian hunter appeared three months before him, as a result of the Survival Hunter series. With only the other for company, they rapidly develop a close friendship. Angus understands how strange existence is. Together, they discuss nature and watch David Attenborough or compete against each other in multiplayer mode of various games. In time, he notices something wrong. At first, in the summer of 2014, Angus begins to sleep in longer. It isn't exactly alarming but it is certainly a change in behaviour. By the time they are discussing hibernation, the wildlife expert is getting forgetful. By the end of 2015, he's constantly in his room, resting. Angus is a shadow, quite literally a faded memory, and Jack knows exactly who's to blame for his friend's condition. He returns to Sean multiple times, forever attempting to persuade him to bring the Survival Hunter series back to the channel. Time after time, Sean argues there isn't anywhere he can take the series. If he thought harder, maybe their creator would find a way to stop it all. He's been so accommodating before that Jack struggles to understand why Sean is so unwilling to cooperate. The first crack shows. When Sean tells him about breaking up with his girlfriend, he provides any support his friend needs from him. Months later, Sean is telling Jack about a Danish artist he's befriended. He gushes about how much he likes her art and how easy it is to talk to her. One day, Jack teases him about having a crush on Signe. With a short, self conscious laugh, Sean admits they were actually dating now and that he hoped to invite her to Ireland soon. Jack ruffles his hair, much to Sean's chagrin. Dude's in love again. Good on him. When she does eventually set foot in their home country, Jack keeps away. She may be a twin but Sean definitely isn't. If she saw a duplicate of her boyfriend, there would be a lot of explaining to do. Seeing as she was solely here to spend time with him, it would be best if they avoided having to say "Well, it's a long story...". Besides, Jack had something that required his own attention. He kept spotting Sean lurking around Jack and Angus' home. Except, he could have sworn their creator had a murderous glint in his eye. His appearance wasn't consistent either. Some occasions, his eyes would be dark or he'd have blood visible on his person. Other times, the intruder simply gave the impression of being unhinged. The problem was that Jack couldn't get a good look at the stalker. The guy would always be in the corner of his eye or disappear as soon as the two made eye contact. Jack could almost say the evil Sean glitched out of reality. He questions if this is a new 'ego' as they'd come to call the two Sean lookalikes. Waking up with brown hair and making dinner with the top being green was a little disorientating. He didn't even realise his hair had changed until he went to the bathroom and shocked himself. Yes, he knew Sean was dyeing his hair for charity in response to Mark doing so. He'd even received a photo from the new grass top himself about the change. What he didn't know was that he'd change appearance too. He checks on Angus. No, his hair was still the natural brown. Sean later gives him forewarning before making an appointment at a tattoo parlour. Despite this, Jack does a double take when the Bold Hunter's Mark appears on his right arm. When the summer of 2016 begins, Sean brings up the superhero they'd designed in 2004. After filming with Ninja Sex Party, he's got a red suit and a lot of ideas. The night of July 10th, a younger version of Sean with his current hairstyle stood at his door. The teenager introduces himself as Jackieboy Man, or Jackie for short. Jackie is the breath of fresh air Jack didn't realise he needed. The 16 year old boy is brimming with energy, enough to match his own. He doesn't seem to have actual superpowers but the older ego assures him that's okay. He introduces him to Batman, one of the most famous non-powered heros. More importantly, Jackie is someone to talk to when Angus is busy spending the majority of the day resting. Within days, they are firm friends. Despite his age and having only just been granted autonomy, Jackie proves his eagerness to play the hero he'd been designed to be. He's also very adept with technology. It isn't long before he's made some improvements to the house. Jack catches him trying to access the dark web at one point. The boy shrugs it off as making the most of his skills. After all, he'd been doing just that in Welcome To The Game. Jack remains skeptical. A month after Jackie appears, Sean messes around with a magic kit on camera. Shortly after the video is uploaded, a man wearing a cape and a cat mask finds himself before the three other egos. His cynicism makes Jack question whether they'll get along. He does like the mask though. Jack stares at Sean when he admits the magician was an unintentional character. He swears he will go prematurely bald from wanting to yank his hair out. Sure, Jack could understand his own beginnings as a separate entity. How could Sean have known that by calling himself Jack, his childhood imaginary friend of the same name would be given life? The same went for Angus. Their creator was entirely oblivious to the power a bad Australian accent and a few hundred subscribers held. By now, Sean should have learned his lesson. The new guy believes his name is Jack the Magnificent. It won't do. Jack wouldn't mind there being another Jack if it wasn't for the fact it would get confusing quick. Not to mention there would be two Jacks and a Jackie. Yes, it would be extremely confusing. Jack watches the magician's introductory video again. Fifty Amazing Magic Tricks from Marvin's Magic. Marvin. Marvin the Magician. Marvin the Magnificent. Marvin's face lights up when Jack suggests the name. It's almost like he's had an epiphany. Marvin's right, the name does fit him. Jack is glad he could help. The boost in Marvin's self confidence motivates him to practise his magic. He was able to conjure fire in the video. Logic dictates he can do it again. Jack and Jackie are ready to assist Marvin in whatever way they can with exploring the extent of his magical abilities. Within two weeks of Marvin's arrival, he is dragging a bloodied Jackie into the house. With no medical knowledge at his disposal apart from basic first aid, the incident ends with the youngest housemate being admitted to hospital. He doesn't wish for this to become a common occurrence but they should be better prepared. Perhaps having a doctor as back-up wouldn't be a bad idea. To his relief, Sean is all for it. He purchases a copy of Operation and a doctor outfit. It's a mystery why Dr Schneeplestein is given an awful German accent. Nevertheless, Jack his excited to welcome the doctor. He's unsure about the backstory. The guy's brought into the world with a disloyal wife who is blackmailing him. He knows they have children but can't remember their names or their ages. The doctor doesn't have a first name either. He was simply 'Dr Schneeplestein' in the Operation video. Like he did with Marvin, Jack attempts to find a name that suits the new ego. He goes through baby name websites, specifically ones featuring German names, with the doctor. They eventually bump into Heinrich which prompts a minute of deep thought before the nameless ego announces Henrik is the right name. Several days later, Jack learns of Elias, Heidi and Alina. In mid-October, the morning after Ninja Sex Party upload their music video for 'Cool Patrol', Jackie challenges him to an arm wrestle. He wins several matches. The young superhero giggles as he admits he's going easy on Jack. The two of them spend the following days exploring Jackie's new powers. Marvin shows up, either to watch or practise a defensive spell, while Henrik stood by. They soon establish that, along with technological expertise, Jackie has super strength, flight and lasers at his disposal. By far, his favourite power is the ability to fly. Jack comes out from a recording session towards the end of October to be ambushed by Marvin. He's questioned on whether he'd like a balloon. The minute he accepts, Marvin fetches the 'balloon'. When Henrik spots Jackie being transported around the room, floating while attached to a piece of string, he mutters something in German and retires to his area with coffee. As the month draws to a close, Sean offers him the opportunity to carve the pumpkin this year. He gladly accepts, only later remembering the weird stuff happening to the footage of several videos. He brings it up with his friend. Sean insists nothing will happen. Yes, he's building up to Antisepticeye making his debut appearance but that will be the second video of the day. Jack is skeptical but lets it slide. While their creator could be wildly irresponsible with his ideas at times, Jack trusts him not to deliberately put any of them in harm's way. He is even promised the dangerous upcoming character wouldn't be a threat between videos. During the carving, his nose begins leaking blood so he jokes about how big of a coincidence it was. Off screen he allows himself to be freaked out by the nosebleed. The actual bleeding nose isn't the issue. He's had nosebleeds before, namely when Jackie's aim was off during training. It's the timing that scares him. It's Halloween, with Antisepticeye due to show up today. This is too much of a coincidence. Despite not wanting to, he decides the show must go on. He says some uncharacteristically mean things to Gerald. When he argues with Sean, at least there's some reason to let insults slip. Gerald hasn't done anything wrong. It fails to matter when he is forced to lose control his body. Regardless of how much he'd love to resist, the knife slices through skin. He wakes up in a hospital bed. Dr Schneeplestein explains everything, advising Jack doesn't watch the video himself. He gets incredibly caught up in sudden, painful revelations as soon as he's left to his thoughts. Sean told him Antisepticeye wouldn't target the pumpkin video. Sean had lied. Apparently, his creator could deceive him without hesitation. Worst of all, he now knew how his 'friend' saw him. Expendable; Jack was expendable. He can't believe he'd trusted Sean like that. What was he thinking? Sean had gone against him in the past, namely ignoring his suggestions to improve the lives of the egos. Did he for one second consider how terrifying being suddenly robbed of your autonomy could be? Or suffering through being murdered by your own hand? Sure, the anaesthetic helped dull it to an ache. That didn't change the fact Jack would have a scar as a daily reminder of Sean's willingness to sacrifice the one he'd designed to be everything he wanted in a friend. If his life wasn't as important as Sean's, the difference should be so small it was inconsequential. By the time he is able to be discharged, he had forgiven Sean. Of course he was expendable. He was just made up like the others. No harm could come to Sean, he was too important to lose. None of them would exist without their creator. In a way, he should be thankful for being used as bait. At least he could still be relevant, unlike Angus. He'd been in Angus' position for years. Jack never wanted to feel like that again, as if he was nothing. He's never resented his basic character traits more. He hates that a little boy could force his best friend to always forgive him. He wouldn't be surprised if Sean committed genocide and Jack let it slide. Never sleepy, unable to stay angry at him forever, always willing to provide emotional support should he require it. Well, at least free will had allowed him to bend those rules at times. The truth was that Sean wasn't perfect and Jack didn't want to treat him as such. It didn't matter. The forgiveness comes too late to save Jackie. Sean's visit to the infirmary sparks another row. Frustrated with the disagreements, Jackie bursts into the room halfway through, screaming at them to stop. As soon as he had thundered off, both faces of the Jacksepticeye channel allowed themselves to resolve the latest issue calmly. "What are we doing? This constant arguing is getting us nowhere." "Tell me about it." Jack grumbled back. "Want to call a truce?" "I'm still furious you used me as bait. I don't know how you could have consciously done that." "I know. I'm not sure what I was thinking. Just wanted to give the subscribers something fun for Halloween, I guess. I-" "A community event where they post art would have been more fun." He interrupts. "Hey, I could do that next year." Sean's smile is cautious. "I promise I won't pull something like that again." His friend extends a fist with only his smallest finger out. He's got to be kidding. "What are you, five?" "Come on, humour me. Please?" Jack is reluctant but does it anyway. "You're a fucking idiot." "Don't we know it." Only one laughs. "This doesn't mean I'm going to let it slide just yet." He fidgets. Despite the stuff Schneeplestein had given him, the ghost of Jack's neck wound bothered him still. "Tell me about Antisepticeye. You've made a video with him so he'll be out there now. I should at least know what to look out for." Jack's biggest regret after that night isn't repeatedly allowing himself to forgive Sean. Instead, he becomes remorseful for not getting his friend to follow the young superhero. By the time either of them realise Jackie was yet to return, it was too late. Jack postpones his German studies to focus on bringing the youngest member of the household back to them. His efforts bear no fruit, even months later. The joint birthday celebrations go far better than either of them could have hoped. There are no ill feelings between the two of them on that day. The only fight they have is when Jack silences Sean's complaints of getting older by 'accidentally' smearing frosting on his face. Signe takes a photo of them, crumbs and frost littering their neon green hair. He keeps the photograph with the other reminders the two of them did have great times amongst the disagreements and resentment. He plays the first chapter of Bendy and the Ink Machine while Sean is away at PAX East and the other egos are sleeping. Sean's been hyped for this game for a while, Cuphead too, so Jack is leaving them for him to record. That said, there's no reason why he can't play it in his spare time. Later that month, he absentmindedly watches Sean's playthrough of it. "'The creator lied to us.' Well boohoo, people lie all the time. It's part of life." Jack had found that message on the wall intriguing when he'd played it. As much as he tried not to let Sean's comment get to him, it lingered. At least this time, he could exit the video and never return to it. The week after Angus' birthday, Chase Brody arrives with a name from the get-go. Unfortunately, he also has a wife who's divorcing him and a suicide attempt under his belt before meeting any of his fellow egos. Sean's done some stupid shit before but portraying a suicide? Really? Jack knows for a fact that his friend isn't one to see poor mental health and suicide as something to joke about. Nevertheless, Chase grows on him. Once you got past all the self deprecation and depression, he proved to be a cool guy who loved his two children. Unfortunately, the bullet Henrik has to extract from Chase's brain ruins his ability to perform complex actions with his left arm. "I'm not changing his character." Sean states during a gaming session. "Okay, but-" "Jack, I'm not doing it. This isn't me being stubborn and unwilling to compromise. People split up all the time and sometimes children are involved. A bunch of my subscribers will be able to relate to the situation, either as the parent or the child." "He shot himself in the head." "Unfortunately, that's something people in Chase's headspace consider doing." There's something in the way Sean speaks that worries Jack. "Some of them out there need proof things can change. I could show that." "You're not depressed." He's really unsure on how to have this conversation. "Well, no, but neither are you." They don't go further and Jack's guilt grows. He is sure he's missing something but he can't put his finger on it. They instead discuss topics that were more pleasant. Any miniscule progress Chase makes with his arm, Jack cheers him on. At least he understands where the issues lay with the latest ego. He wishes he was as in tune with Sean. He had been once. Now they were both watching their tongues in case either of them accidentally triggered a disagreement. Home wasn't so bad. He and Marvin still dedicated hours to locating Jackie but, as ever, no breakthroughs were made. However, progress was being made in other places. May brought a second cat into the household. The white feline was usually found lazing around with Jack and Chase or hanging out with Marvin's Abyssinian, Bastet. Jack feels so dumb when he finally learns why he can never find Marvin when the white cat is present. He couldn't be prouder of how far the magician's abilities had developed since August. He had returned to learning German at night. When reading German texts, occasional words begin to become familiar. Every now and again, he doesn't have to check what a word, or even rarer a phrase, means. It takes him a while to remember how accents change the sound of letters. Practising his speech alone, he is convinced his pronunciation is off by miles. Nevertheless, the delight on Henrik's face when he haphazardly makes his way through imperfect sentences proves it is undoubtedly worth it. Henrik coaches him on his native tongue while Jack continued to correct the doctor's English grammar. Henrik's ability to speak French is utilised after Sean plays a game called Passpartout. Jacques Septique often enclosed himself in his room, painting whatever he felt like that day. Once he became more comfortable around the five others living under the same roof, he offered to paint their doors. Soon, the house was a little more colourful. Jack promises himself he won't get too close to the French artist. He'll be kind and welcoming to him, of course he will, but he knows Jacques wasn't made last. He's a fan creation. All you needed to do was visit Angus to see what happened to that kind of ego. He'd been wary of Marvin when he'd first appeared. Unintentional with no name? He couldn't be more fan made. Jack had been an idiot and allowed himself to become close friends with the magician. It had taken Angus little over a year to start going downhill. That meant that by Christmas, Marvin would show signs too. There was the hope that the near 16 million subscribers were more able to preserve Marvin than the hundreds or thousands who saw Angus' ten videos. However, it was just hope. On the last day of July, Jack has a bad morning. He trips on something, spilling scalding coffee all over himself and breaking one of his favourite mugs in the process. After that, he records a video, only for him to notice none of the footage was recording. Frustrated, he calls Sean to see if he's free. His best friend almost succeeds in cheering him up with his jokes and sympathy. Jack is on the brink of feeling better when Sean ruins it all. "I'm burnt out, man." Sean admits. "YouTube needs to sort itself out." "You're burned out?" Jack scoffed. "Sure, how long have you been feeling like that?" "Oh don't give me that. This isn't a contest to see who's more tired. Besides, you don't get tired." He knows he has the power to avoid this argument before it truly begins. But years of Sean not listening have resulted in little patience concerning these topics. His mind isn't able to stop his mouth in time. "No, you don't give me that, Sean. For three years, I've watched one of my closest friends deteriorate into nothing. We could save Angus but you refuse to help me. Plus you don't let me upload any of the videos anymore." "I... I never have." "I'm not finished." He continues. "You need to stop playing God because you clearly suck at it. If we could find a game with wildlife in an open world for Angus, we could bring him back to his original condition. I'm not saying we go back to Far Cry, especially with the 5th instalment coming next year. But can you finally co-operate with me so we can save him? It would be one less mess of yours for me to fix. Not to mention it's practically 9 months since Jackie disappeared. We both know what happened to him. Anti is your creation. I don't care if he has as much free will as the rest of us. You could think of something, shit I'll take anything at this point, to keep him at bay. I'm sick of having to be the one who everyone relies on. That should be your job. You can't create us and then leave us to deal with suddenly existing by ourselves. If you want to keep acting like this, at least let me sleep. Even just once. Everyone can just escape all the problems you mindlessly burden them with for a few hours. Not me, I have to stay up and wait for the next big disaster you throw at us. Joke all you want about never needing sleep. I won't be laughing." Sean looks at him like he's insane. "Sleep? You're... kidding right? Just lie down and close your eyes. It's not rocket science." "I can't! I physically can't fall asleep because that's how you made me." "I was six!" "Yeah, and now you're 27. You have the power to help us but instead, you just create more of us. Stop being so irresponsible." The fight escalates. Jack is a broken record, repeating many of the points he's made over the years that still remain issues. If that isn't a line of argument in itself, he doesn't know what is. He also insists Marvin's name should be made canon already. After all, it was nearing a full year since the magician's first appearance. The spat ends with Jack forcing himself to leave the situation. "You want to sleep, I'll let you sleep." The words sound more malicious than they should. "Bring back Jackie. He's been missing for months. Do something!" At home, he marathons Harry Potter with Marvin and Chase for a few hours. It doesn't take his mind off the argument with Sean completely. If he knew they wouldn't get the chance to reconcile for two years, he would have apologised sooner. Unbeknownst to him, things were already being set in motion. Just three days later, he is overcome with queasiness as he introduces the latest episode of Bio Inc Redemption. He doesn't understand what's happening. One thing he does know is that nothing about this is good. Excusing himself, he stumbles carefully to Henrik's section of the building. "Hen-" He gags, hand flying to his mouth again. "Henrik, I need help. Something's wrong."

#creator au #jack's pov #writersofjack #my writing #jacksepticeye #sean mcloughlin #toxic relationship #jacksepticeye egos #angus the survival hunter #jackieboy man #marvin the magnificent #henrik von schneeplestein #antisepticeye #chase brody #jacques septique

[pavementlicker98]

@twistedvirgorivaliant

 its funny because the only people I see Doing the head bashing are gangs of Antifa members.

do you read the news dude

January 20, 2017: A right-wing extremist shoots a protestor at a Milo Yiannopoulos event at the University of Washington. January 29, 2017: Alexandre Bissonnette walks into a mosque in Canada during evening prayers and opens fire, shooting 17 people and killing six of them.

January 2017: Over 40 Jewish centers in the U.S. receive bomb threats. February 22, 2017:  Adam Purinton tells two men from India to “get out of my country” then shoots both plus a bystander, killing one. February 28, 2017: a mosque in Toronto is set on fire by arsonists. March 12, 2017: a mosque in Ypsilanti, MI. is set on fire by arsonists. March 20, 2017: James Jackson arrives in Manhattan with a sword and stabs the first black man he sees to death.  He later tells authorities he “intended to kill as many black men as he could.” March 24, 2017: Yelling “I hate Muslims!” a man in Minneapolis stabbed a Somali man in an attempt to kill him.   March 26, 2017: A racist mob attacks a 15-year-old Polish boy in Gloucestershire and, when a local Asian shopkeeper tries to intervene, attack him as well with crowbars and baseball bats, then attempt to run him over with a car. March 31, 2017: A 17-year-old Iranian/Kurdish boy is nearly beaten to death by a mob of eight people in Croydon after he revealed to them that he was a refugee. April 6, 2017: A Charlotte store is set on fire by an arsonist who leaves a warning message for the shop owner that he “did not want any refugee business owners and that they would torture the owner if they did not leave and go back to where they came from,” according to police.  It was signed “White America.” MAY 5TH: EDITED TO INCLUDE:

April 30, 2017: A  white man storms a pool party in San Diego and shoots four black women, two black men, and one Latino man while allowing white attendees to leave.  One victim dies while the other six sustain critical injuries.

MAY 10TH: EDITED TO INCLUDE: May 5, 2017: A man walking his dog on South Beach in Miami is confronted by two men who call him a “fucking faggot,” then attack him, beating him unconscious.  At one point in the attack, one of the attackers shouts  “all faggots need to die and we’re going to make sure they do!” MAY 18TH: EDITED TO INCLUDE: May 14, 2017: Vandals spray-paint hate graffiti on the home of a black family in upstate New York before attempting to set the house on fire while the family slept.  Although the family escaped unscathed, their garage burnt to the ground and their house suffered some damage. May 17, 2017: A homophobic mob break into the home of a gay couple and shoot and stab both men to death.   MAY 23RD: EDITED TO INCLUDE: May 20, 2017: University of Maryland student and member of the “alt-Reich” facebook group Sean Urbanski walks up to 22-year-old Richard Collins III, who is black and who Urbanski does not know, and stabs him to death in an unprovoked attack. May 27th: EDITED TO INCLUDE: May 24, 2017: A barrage of doxxing, rape threats, and death threats received by trans comic book artist Sophie Labelle forces her to cancel an appearance and event at a Halifax book store, which also received bomb threats and threats of attacking the event.  Labelle is forced into hiding. May 26, 2017: Three men intervene on a MAX train in Portland when they witness another man verbally abusing two Muslim women with an Islamophobic tirade.  The Islamophobe responds by pulling out a knife and stabs the three interveners, killing two of them.  

MAY 30th: EDITED TO INCLUDE:

May 27, 2017: A white man drives his pickup truck through a campsite, targeting the Native Americans camping there while yelling racial slurs at them.  He intentionally drives over two Native American men, killing one and injuring the other. June 3rd: EDITED TO INCLUDE:

March 3, 2017: A Sikh man is shot and injured in front of his Seattle house by a white man waring a mask, who yells at him to “go back to your country!” May 27, 2017: A 34-year-old Anthony Hammond lets loose with a flurry of racial slurs directed at a black man in a parking lot, then pulls out a machete and stabs the man before barricading himself in his apartment for several hours, until finally surrendering to police.

JUNE 13th: EDITED TO INCLUDE: January 1, 2017: 19-year-old Nathan Richardson encounters 67-year-old jogger Wenqing Xu and beats him to death in an unprovoked, random attack.  After committing the murder, Richardson texted his friends that he “fucked sum chink up. Bodied him. I think pure crime scene – his head’s gone,” JUNE 19TH: EDITED TO INCLUDE: June 18, 2017: two men armed with baseball bats attack a group of Muslim teenagers, kidnapping a 17-year-old girl, who they beat to death, dumping her body in a pond.

June 1, 2017: A Princeton professor and racialized woman is forced to cancel a three-city lecture tour to promote her book about the Black Lives Matter movement after receiving over 50 death threats. June 19, 2017: Shouting “I’m going to kill all Muslims!” 47-year-old Darren Osborne drives a courier van through a crowd of Muslims leaving a Finsbury mosque, killing one person and injuring ten others.

JULY 4TH: EDITED TO INCLUDE: January 28, 2017: a First Nations woman walking with her sister is struck by a trailer hitch hurled from a passing vehicle.  After struggling in hospital for several months, she succumbs to her injuries.   June 21, 2017:  an Islamophobe approaches a Muslim man and woman sitting in a car stopped at a traffic light and knocks on the window.  When the driver rolls down the window, the Islamophobe sprays the driver and passenger with acid, severely burning both.   JULY 16TH: EDITED TO INCLUDE: February 21, 2017: a 24-year-old transgender woman is shot and killed in Chicago, IL. February 26, 2017: a transgender woman is shot and killed in New Orleans, LA. March 1, 2017: a transgender woman is stabbed to death in New Orleans, LA. March 22, 2017: a 38-year-old transgender woman is shot and killed in Baltimore, MD. April 21, 2017: a 28-year-old transgender woman is shot and killed in Miami, FL. May 17, 2017: a 34-year-old transgender woman is shot and killed in Fresno, CA. July 2, 2017:  a 28-year-old transgender woman is shot and killed in Lynchburg, VA. JULY 25TH: EDITED TO INCLUDE:

June 3, 2017: 38-year-old white supremacist Phillip Wade racially abuses a 57-year-old black man on an Oakley, CA. bus, then pulls a knife and stabs the man to death while the man is walking away from the confrontation.  The victim is the third racialized person Wade has stabbed in the past six years and the second person he’s murdered.   July 16, 2017: A man attempts to pull the hijab off of a Muslim woman waiting for the tube in London, then hits her when she resists.  He then pins her friend to the wall and spits in her face before leaving.   July 16, 2017: Arsonists set a mosque in Manchester ablaze. July 18, 2017: A NASA researcher of South Asian descent has her car windshield shattered by a rock thrown through it by an assailant screaming “go back to your country!”  She’s injured in the attack. AUGUST 2ND: EDITED TO INCLUDE: July 19, 2017: Two men exit a car and attack a racialized pedestrian with their fists and an iron bar.   AUGUST 7TH: EDITED TO INCLUDE: August 5, 2017: A mosque in Bloomington, Minnesota is firebombed, narrowly missing killing & injuring dozens of members there for morning prayers. AUGUST 10TH: EDITED TO INCLUDE: August 8, 2017: A well-known Chicago neo-nazi starts an altercation at a concert, then pulls out a smuggled knife and stabs a man and a woman at the show. AUGUST 12TH: EDITED TO INCLUDE: August 12, 2017:  A white supremacist in Charlottesville, VA. drives his car at high speed directly into a crowd of anti-racist protestors, killing one woman and seriously injured 19 other people. AUGUST 12TH: EDITED TO INCLUDE: January 25, 2017: An arsonist destroys the only mosque in Victoria, Texas.

AUGUST 16TH: EDITED TO INCLUDE:

August 12, 2017: A self-identifed member of the white supremacist “three percenter” movement is arrested by the FBI after unsuccessfuly trying  to blow up a bank in Oklahoma City with a car bombed modeled after the one used by Timothy McVeigh. AUGUST 21ST: EDITED TO INCLUDE: May 25, 2017: A black woman riding the train home is subjected to extreme verbal harassment by Jeremy Christian, who admits to being a neo-nazi and tell her he will kill her.  As she leaves the train, Christian hits her with a bottle, cutting her eye open.  When police arrive, they refuse to arrest Christian.  The next day Christian would stab three people, killing two of them.

August 20, 2017: A racialized man standing outside his own home is attacked by a motorist who, without any provocation, jumped out of his car and ran at him, shouting racial slurs, before physically assaulting him.  The victim is seriously injured in the attack.

In case you have trouble counting, Anon, that’s three four five six seven eightnine ten eleven twelve shootings, three four five six seven arsons, two threefour seven eight nine ten eleven stabbings, two three four five mob beatings, over 40 41 bomb threats, one failed bombing, an acid attack, and several other miscellaneous assaults by bigots, Islamophobes, nazis and racists so far this year. Eight Nine Eleven Twelve Fourteen Fifteen Sixteen Seventeen Eighteen Nineteen Twentytwenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six Twenty-seven Twenty-Eight people are dead because of these bigoted attacks and fifteen twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-five thirty-five thirty-seven thirty-nine fifty-eight fifty-nine were severely injured.  

Not to mention Timothy McVeigh, who killed over 150 people in my home city in a right-wing attack in response to Waco.

And, you know, the fucking Holocaust and shit.  That’s kinda head-bashing.  A bit.

[rueur]

Morning Pages #28 (07.02.2017)

Tuesday 7th February - 1:30 p.m.

I know it’s technically no longer the morning, but I had a really great sleep-in. I woke up at around 7 a.m., and then fell back asleep till about 9 a.m., and then from 9 a.m. onwards, I was kind of just thinking to myself in bed until 10 a.m., and then spent some time before having a shower looking at myself in the mirror. First in my pyjamas, then in my underwear, and then naked. Then in a couple more clothes that I had in my suitcase. I also totally unpacked my suitcase today, and now all that’s left to be done is to get my closet in order. But considering that my closet is part of the wall, the floor space in my room is pretty much all clear now, so I have my workout space back! I also went for a run last night, right before 9 p.m., so I didn’t have to hear the notifications on my phone that used to tell me to take my pill and now just remind me of the failings of my last relationship.

I sent Evan a text thanking him for taking me out to lunch yesterday. He called me at around 1 p.m. yesterday (essentially a little while after I had finished my pages yesterday) asking if I wanted to meet up for an impromptu lunch because he got off work early. It was sweet of him to ask, and considering I was all done moving out of Northcote, and all that was left to do that day was sort through my clothes and organise my room, so of course I said yes. It was a lovely little outing. We had lunch at this noodle place in Bundoora Square and then walked through Norris Bank, then up Settlement Road until we managed to track down Thomastown Station, and then we went our separate ways. All up, I was only with him for a little over 3 hours, but I was glad to see him so soon after our last date. I kissed him three times yesterday: when we met, then on a whim right before we left the noodle place, and then before he got on his train.

Sorry, I took a massive break from typing because Ikaros just said that he hopes I have fun with Lauren today. I didn’t tell him I was meeting up with Lauren today, so obviously he had been talking to Lauren. I introduced him to Jacob and Lauren. I’ve introduced him to a lot of people. He’s introduced me to a handful of people, like Melike and Alisha, but we had a lot of mutual friends before the relationship. I don’t know what my social life is going to be like for a while. I don’t know if I’ll have as strong a relationship with Cameron than I did before I met Ikaros. Probably not, I fear. I don’t know, this is just a really weird place to be in right now, I mean in regards to he and I. It’s funny. I feel like I’ve slowly been falling out of romantic love with him during these past few months because of all the hurt I experienced and all the dissatisfaction that he experienced. He really only started trying when things got bad. When there was no demand for effort, he made no effort. That’s the cold, hard truth. And somebody who isn’t determined to show you they love you, just doesn’t really love you enough. I don’t doubt for a second that he loved me. But I also know now that he prioritised himself and acted in his own interests repeatedly, like to a callous and inexcusable degree. He would hurt my feelings without a thought just so he could spend a little more time with himself. Sometimes, to be fair, he didn’t know that he was hurting me. Sometimes he did though. And he still did it.

I have to stop thinking about this now, and I have to stop talking to him for a bit. I know that. It’s 2:30 p.m. now, and I was hoping to have left the house by now to be honest. I wanted to go and hand out resumes in the city before I go and meet up with Lauren around 4 p.m.. I think that as soon as I finish these morning pages, I’ll just head off. I’ve been dressed since my shower.

I posted a selfie on Instagram, which is rare for me. I have around 145 photos, and really only five of them are of my face, and only three of those are sincere selfies, in the sense that only three of them are actually flattering. It has fifteen likes so far, not that I count them. I mean I do. Well, the app counts them for you. I just kind of need the ego boost right now. I feel ridiculous. I don’t feel like anybody should feel right after a break-up, because technically I’ve already HAD my fair share of feeling that way since late October till early January, because that has been the span of my torture over this dying (perhaps entirely dead now) relationship. It’s ridiculous too, that it had been dragged out this long, the pair of us trying to find ways not to end up taking time apart from being with each other, hoping that over the span of these past few months we’d just slowly slowly dial it all back until we naturally just go from lovers to friends. I’m sick of relying on other people to fuel my own self-love/self-care. I know that it was because of this dependency on others that I ended up out by myself and was sexually assaulted by two different guys in the span of fifteen minutes. I don’t want to be that vulnerable anymore. I don’t want to be modest and keep my head down anymore. I want to be myself and have people recognise that my self is beautiful. I want to be with someone who doesn’t need me to prove that I’m worth their precious spare time. I want to be with someone who fucking makes time for me! I made time for Ikaros for a year, in between part-time (but nearing full-time) work and full-time study. He works six hours a day only two days out of the week, and four hours a day one other day, and he only sees me on weekends, and it’s with the full intention of fucking me, even if I tell him that I don’t want to do that. He only ever pleasured me with non-penetrative methods when he was trying to get me horny enough to say yes to penetrative sex. For months after we first had sex, he made very little effort to pleasure me at all, under the grounds that he believed himself to be bad at it and didn’t even want to try. I can’t believe I let myself get treated like a hindrance and a burden, a nothing with a pussy, for so long. To be fair, he did make me really happy at times. And he did love me. Just not enough. Never enough. It felt off from the beginning, I just ignored it all. You always tend to do that in a relationship. You ignore all of the warning signs because of that hideous mantra that always goes along the lines of ‘love means accepting somebody, flaws and all’, and you keep lying to yourself, saying ‘I love you, despite the fact that you didn’t come and see me’ or ‘even though you have very little interest in my creative work’ etcetera etcetera.

I’m sad right now and he’s been giving me attitude on messenger all day, so please let me vent here a little bit. There’s a lot that’s been shitty recently. But there’s also a lot that’s been good and I’ve spent quite a bit of time veering towards what’s been good and staying away from what can potentially get me down.

It’s 3 p.m., and I feel like I’m not going to make it into the city before 4 at this rate. Matt from my writing class last year is also giving me shit right now, hitting me up on Facebook not just because he’s ‘tired and sad’ but also because he’s ‘bored’ too. Touching. Dude hasn’t spoken to me in three or four months now, and he hits me up once school has already started just to complain to me. Of course, he doesn’t ask me how I am, or what I’ve been up to. Because god forbid people give a fuck about anybody but themselves nowadays. Hell, even Nick won’t leave me be. He keeps making me feel incredibly uncomfortable, really every interaction I have with him. I have told him very clearly that I’m not really interested in pursuing anything romantic with him because not only is he twenty-eight (nearly twenty-nine) years old, but I’m just...I’m not fucking interested? What, do I need to write a three page essay and cite my fucking sources to make that a valid enough reason? I was kind of drunk when I kissed him! So was he!

I’m sorry I’m getting so mad right now. I hate being like this too, but honestly I feel like I’ve been keeping it all in for a while now. Men are driving me insane. Evan is sweet though, incredibly sweet. And I am not dumping him into this category at all, because honestly I think he’s different. But I’m also not going to indulge this kind of behaviour anymore. I’m sick of feeling like a fucking crucible for male insecurities and dissatisfaction in life, for male desire and ambition. I’m sick of being silent and trying to be polite whilst they shove their bullshit down my throat and simultaneously try to undo my pants. I know this has most definitely been my crudest entry here thus far, but goodness gracious, I am allowed to be mad about this rather than continue on letting myself feel defeated. Should I just delete Nick off of Facebook?

You know what’s funny though, is that I was alone for most of my last couple years of high school, because I wanted it to be that way. I didn’t talk to anybody. I kept my head down and graduated fantastically, so that I could be free of that oppressive world and go on to study what I love and become the person I’ve wanted to become my entire life. And I feel like I am definitely becoming who I want to become. But I feel more lonely now that I’m no longer isolated anymore, and am beginning to feel like an actual person in the world. Because the other people in the world, they don’t appreciate the effort it takes just to be you. Guys rarely ask me about who I am. The only guys who have really done that these past few weeks, the only guys I’ve felt were actually hearing me, were Lucas and Evan for starters, and Dan and Malith. But Dan and Malith hear me all the time, because they are beautiful and I love them. Lucas and I had a lot to talk about academically, and Evan is just kind of pure to me (I told him about the morning pages and how sometimes just even writing my thoughts down helps me get to know myself better, which means my fiction has a stronger voice too. He called me a genius and I fucking loved it.). That’s what he feels like, to be honest. He seems pure and cosmic. I should get to know him more. I should delete Nick off of Facebook. And Matt too, maybe. Matt’s an asshole.

#morning pages #07.02.2017 #28