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drea-exclusives · 1 month

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Week 8 — You Are Exactly Where You Need To Be

After the last entry, I didn't want to write another sad one and mope around this week, but I feel like I've reflected a lot and gone through many different thought processes in the midst of figuring out this patch I'm going through. Therefore, I figured I would treat this as a safe space to document how I've been feeling and what I've comprehended from recent events.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

After having a rough few days last week, feeling lost and dwelling in my depleting self-esteem, this week has been better in the sense that I have been processing my emotions, accepting how I feel, and showing myself compassion. It is through this way that I am slowly learning to let go of the grudges I hold against myself.

I realised that a big part of what I've been struggling with is feeling like I'm running behind in life or that I should be progressing quicker and involving myself in more things as most of the people around me are doing so. Essentially, comparing myself to others and feeling bad about myself because this isn't ideally where I want to be. It's a really low and isolating feeling; you feel like you're trying to run but you're stuck in place, alone, while everyone else is moving ahead and life continues on without allowing you space to breathe and pause for a moment.

It really is true when they say that comparison is the thief of joy. And though it may not be intentional, all of us will at some point subconsciously compare ourselves to our peers and the people around us. But if you actually think about it, we are all on different journeys, with different pathways, destinations, skillsets, and obstacles; it doesn't make sense for us to compare ourselves with others. Yet, this is unfortunately just one of those things that have been ingrained into society, and as a result, has become an insecurity for me throughout my adolescent years. Sometimes it's the fear of missing out; wanting to live a simple life and not having many big aspirations, but fearing that you should be doing more due to societal pressures. Other times, it's looking at someone who seems to have everything sorted out and wishing so desperately that you were in their shoes.

But after a lot of time spent contemplating and being upset at myself, at some point I realised that it's okay if I'm not where I want to be right now. I have so much time and my life has barely just begun, I don't have to be the epitome of who I've wanted to be my whole life, and it's okay if I'm not the best version of myself right now either. More importantly, it doesn't devalue who I am, my worth, or my capabilities, just because I don't have everything sorted out. Being in the same place for awhile doesn't mean that I'm not growing and progressing, or that I won't eventually reach my destination and achieve what I've wanted to achieve; it just means that I'm on the path to getting there, and I need to have more trust and faith in both myself and the process.

On top of all that, I owe myself forgiveness; both for being so harsh on myself, and also for not being the version of me that I had envisioned. Letting go of any resentment, grudges, or expectations that I or others might've had because in this crucial time, I need to show up for myself instead of punishing and diminishing myself for everything that I am not. Giving myself more grace because at the end of the day, I am human, and I deserve better than this. And hopefully one day when this phase has passed, I can look back and see how far I've come, and realise that I've always been moving forward and becoming who I've wanted to be. Maybe by then, I can show my current self the love that I've been unable to give her, cherish her with all her faults and fears, and be proud of her for persisting despite everything.

You're doing great, dear self. Please never doubt it.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Song of the Week! This is one of my ultimate comfort songs that I always come back to when I'm facing any kind of hardships in life, so much so that I can only listen to it these days when I'm having a tough time because the song is associated with so many difficult periods in my life. It is a safe space for me where I feel comfortable putting my strength down and letting out everything that has been bothering me lately, embodying a shoulder to cry on or a warm embrace.

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lavendersage · 3 years

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Your blog is a great source of comfort for me. While I know that the workings behind it is just a kindhearted person selecting tender content in their free time, there's something almost fae about the calm it gives me.

I hope it's not the wrong choice, but for a while I've wanted to try something. I come to this blog everyday for some peace -- sometimes I don't even check the rest of my feed, I just come straight here. This year has been dreadfully taxing on everyone, and I'm one of those everybodies.

I hope it's okay, but for a while I've had this idea of writing my heartbreak down and dropping it here, almost like letting it go on a scrap of paper in a stream. I havent been to the woods in a while; I'm a teen in a city that's been beyond ravaged by covid.

But still, I found time for a little #longing. Let's call her Jay. She's smarter than a whip. Math prodigy, piano prodigy, in line to be valedictorian. I, one might say, am nöne of those things. Someday she'll have a PHD, and all I'll have is my ADHD. I'm the class clown, a freelance dunce, but due to some stroke of luck, the same perfectionism that drives Jay's brilliance doesnt allow her to relax easily. I can make her laugh. She values that in me. I found a currency for which I could pay for her time.

I've loved her for years, Lav. And what hurts more is that I know she loves me too. The kisses I've stolen light a fire in my stomach at the thought of them. The memory of closing the distance between us in the big guest room bed when I used to go to her house to sleep over is what's keeping me from going mad during this third round of total lockdown. When we are alone, she is mine, and I am whole. But like I said, if Jay is anything, she's a perfectionist. We were once scolded for being too "flirtatious" at a dance -- the only instance of discipline she's recieved all high school (meanwhile, I have a desk in the detention hall that literally has my name on it). She's desperately closeted, and terrified of losing her image. That's the thing about people who study until they sweat blood so that they never fail: the only thing they never learn is that failure isnt the end of the world the way us flunkies do.

I keep asking her to be mine, publically. Or, perhaps not fully publically, but at least socially. Our peers have more than caught on to what's going on between us and are overwhelmingly positive. And while we'd still have to hide from the adults, that would be accomplished whether we did it totally and miserably, or with room for partial sunshine. My heart and my honor cannot stand the sneaking, the slinking. I am not a secret to be kept. But Jay isnt ready, so I suppose I can learn to behave as if ashamed of my love for her sake.

I fold this message up, and drop it in your stream, Goddess of The Pure Calm. Grant me peace.

first, i just want to say that i can neither confirm nor deny that i am fae 🧚‍♀️ i am so glad that you visit my blog so often and that it grants you peace throughout the day. it always boggles my mind to hear things like that from you guys 🤧

and please, as always, take my words with a grain of salt--i’m not an advice blog (i’m not even sure if advice is what you’re looking for), but i will do the best i can 💚

my heart breaks for you, friend. my teenage years may be behind me but i still remember how hard it was to exist in that stage of life. it’s hard in a way that adulthood isn’t.

i was a lot like you. i was always “the funny one” and never really stuck out academically. i was friends with a lot of people whose intellect and ambition intimidated me to no end. to be in love with someone like that must feel like something else entirely.

that being said, i can feel how much you care for jay just in the way you talk about her. “i can make her laugh. she values that in me. i found a currency for which i could pay for her time.” this made me tear up a little, i won’t lie. and darling, i’m sure she values you for far more than your ability to make her laugh. but i get it--people like us use humor for a lot of things, maybe to make up for something we think we lack, or as a way to get other people to see us as worth keeping around. i assure you, love, you’re worth keeping around if you’re the funniest person alive and you’re worth keeping around if you never utter another joke again. your presence in your friends’ lives is valuable. your presence to miss jay is valuable. your presence on earth is valuable.

it must be incredibly hard to be in love with someone who reciprocates your feelings, but be unable to move forward with your relationship. you don’t want to be a secret, you don’t want to sneak around. of course you don’t, love. i’m so sorry that you have to wrestle with those feelings.

however...i’ve also been in jay’s place. back then, i wasn’t necessarily concerned about my image, or my reputation, but before i was out, i was terrified of what my family and friends would think of me if they knew the truth about who i was. i lost my chance to be with someone i really cared about because i was too afraid to go public, and they weren’t willing to wait. i simply wasn’t ready.

i of course don’t know her personally, but it sounds to me like jay isn’t ready, either. it’s great that your peers are positive about your potential relationship, but there are probably some of outside factors that are scaring her out of wanting to go public. it doesn’t mean she’s ashamed of her feelings. it doesn’t mean she’s ashamed of you. she simply isn’t ready. and for plenty of folks, it takes time to reach that point.

i can only speak from my own experience and what i’ve witness in my friends’ lives, but darling, once you’re out of high school and move into adulthood, so much changes. you get the freedom to more deeply explore who you are. i cannot even begin to stress how much change you will go through in your late teens and twenties. i don’t even recognize the person i was back then, and chances are both you and jay will have plenty of time to grow into the people you’re meant to be.

i don’t want to turn this into an “oh, it gets better when you’re older” type of response, because that’s redundant and it isn’t even always true, but there is a lot of value in the freedom that comes with leaving high school and getting out into the world. you will experience it. so will she. give it some time.

jay may decide that her feelings are more powerful than her fears, and she may need more time to reach a point where she’s comfortable sharing that part of herself with the world. i truly hope that she comes to that decision in her own time, at her own pace.

i also wish you well, friend. i will keep you in my thoughts as you wrestle with these feelings of longing and frustration, and i will keep jay in my thoughts as well. if your situation changes, feel free to let me know. my inbox is always open.

lots of love to you both, and stay safe 💚💚💚

#asks #long post #if any followers have kind things to say feel free to comment!

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