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toomuchtortuga · 7 years

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I love hating men. It's healing and it watered all my house plants and gave me 20$.

Jack and Jill (2011) Movie Script

And we were born

on September 15...And... And she's the older...Older twin.I'm older by 10 minutes.She's... Ten minutes.Cause she hadan umbilical cordwrapped around her neck.And she, like, shoved me inthere and wouldn't let me out.I was, like, kicking her in,shoving her more in my mom,so that's why she cameout, like, later. Yeah.And... She came outthe bigger twin, too.Well, I came out a poundheavier than Kara,so that's whyI'm an inch taller now.She's always been,like, a pound heavier.No.So, yeah, it's... You know,I love being twins, man.It's, uh...It's basically like youhave a bag of spare parts.Yeah. You know what I mean?It's, like, I need akidney down the road,I know he's got one,so I'm always like,"Hey, stay healthy, dude.Eat right."When we were kids, we hadour own secret languagethat only me and mybrother understood.Ooh.Eee.Ooh.I guess, when we were kids,we thought we were whales.Like, when things are bad,we don't really got to sayanything to each other.We just make these sounds.It's like...So, I just graduatedfrom Harvard,and I'm starting a new jobat a law firmin Southern California,so I'm really happy about that.And I got a job at Hooters.I'm happy, too.Hooters!Being a twin is likebeing a married couple,and you can't divorce her.Even, like! I mean, I loveher when we're together.Well, actually, more sowhen we're distant.She loves nature, like me.She loves donating hertime to charities.And she loves eating healthy,so that's awesome.She's my best friend.My best friend is my boyfriend.They say we're youngand we don't knowWe won't find outtill we growWell, I don't knowif all that's true'Cause you got meand, baby, I got youBabeI got you, babeI got you, babeI got you, babeAnd when I'm sadYou're a clownAnd if I get scaredYou're always aroundSo let them sayyour hair's too long'Cause I don't careWith you I can't go wrongBabeI got you, babeI got you, babe Pepto-Bismol, take 43.And action!Please, why do I haveto have such diarrhea?You need to drink the pink.Hold it. Cut! Cut! Jack!What is he doing?Jack, are you watching this'?What do you mean, "Cut", man?I... I got to be atSesame Street by 1:00.Hey, hey, hey, Reeg, doyou really have diarrhea?'Cause you lost weightor something.Why does the stomachhave all the good lines'?Uh-huh."Drink the pink." That's funny.I'm sorry, Jack.The Dunkin' Donut peoplewant to talk to us.Okay, well, I got toRegis, it's going to be fine.Yeah, and you'll takecare of that, and, uh...Thank you very much.I didn't need that, but cool.I got some bad news.We may lose Dunkin' Donuts.What do you mean "lose"?They didn't like our pitches?They want Al Pacino.Al Pacino to do a commercial?Mmm-hmm.The Godfather Al Pacino?They got this new coffeedrink, the Dunkaccino.Uh-huh.Dunkaccino, Al Pacino,they sound alike.Yes. Well, they thinkit'll be a home run.Of courseit would be a home runif he would ever do it,which he won't.Yeah, well, never say never.Remember, you didn't thinkwe could get Brad Pittto do that Radio Shackcommercial.I was right.Well, you can't beright all the time.Uh-huh. Look, bottom line,they're going to give us one month tomake this whole Pacino thing happen,or they're goingto go elsewhere.We can't lose Dunkin' Donuts.They're our biggest client.Damn it.We're going to gobankrupt, buddy.And we have 200 employeesrelying on us.Try to have a goodThanksgiving, okay?Yeah, yeah, yeah.What do you think?Would Al Pacinoever do a Dunkin' Donutscommercial?What?Yeah.Shut up.Did my wife call? Uh, yeah.You're all set for the cruise.You guys leave a weekafter Hanukkah.Okay, all right.There's some good news.Yeah. She converted, right'?That's so cool.She doesn't look Jewish at all.Wow. That was anti-Semitic.What? No, I just...See, I can say that, you can't.You're not Jewish.No, but I'm close.What... What does that mean?I'm an atheist.You're two for two right there.What? No...Anyways, did my sister saywhat time she'sflying in tomorrow?Yeah, I was supposedto pick her up at noon,but she switchedthe flight to earlier,so now she gets inat 4:00 in the morning.Why?Something about jet lagShe never listens.She gains three hours.Every year, she acts likeshe's flying to New Zealand.She's a freak, man.Yeah, again,you can't say that.No, I...Honey... Yeah?Try complimenting her.Huh? Yeah. What?To avoid fighting.Just focuson something positive.Tell Jill thatshe has nice shoes.Nice shoes. That's good.That'll work.I love you, honey.I love you, too.And I love my sister.And I can keep my cool.It's only four days.I love my sister.I love her shoes.I love my sister.I love her shoes.Well, I just...I can't find him anywhere.Does he knowwhat terminal it is'?I...Okay, okay, I see him.All right, I'm hanging up.How are we doing?Where were you?I've been waitingforever for you.This place is creeping me out.Why so many bags?Are the Knicks traveling with you'?What is with this?Mom always said,"it's better to have itand not need it""than to need itand not have it."Oh, yeah, she did say that.I remember that. That was cool.Are you going bald?Huh? No, no, no, no.You're getting fatter, andyour hair doesn't realizethat it needsto cover more face.Okay. Where'd you put the car?You really hadto bring your bird?Yeah,she's my best friend.Anyways, Jill, I was thinking...Yeah?The house is goingto be very crowded'cause we got the kids,and all the guestsare coming by,and blah, blah, blah.So, there's this new hotel,a Hilton that theyjust built down...But I want to spend timewith Sofie and Gary.Why, do you not want meto stay with you?No, no, no, no. Of courseI want you to stay with us.I was just...I was just saying.Okay, I'll stay with you, then.It's too bad, 'cause the hotelwas starting to sound fun.Why are you doing that?Why do you sigh so loud?I just really, reallylove your shoes.You are so weird.Isn't he weird, Poopsie?Where were you?Poopsie gets it.Yeah. Poopsie really gets it.She always did get it.I... It's just...She always loved getting it.And then your dad and Iwent to the soup kitchen,and they gave us Ottoto bring to Thanksgivingdinner this year.Thanks again for having me.It's very nice.Are you going to eatdinner with us tonight'?Yes, he is, honey.And what about tomorrow night'?Tomorrow, Otto's goingto go back home...Less.Sorry.Uh, Sofia, show Ottoyour karate moves.You know, why don't...Why don't you go wake up Jill?What? It's 5:30.She's here. That'sthe important thing.It counts as a day.So what? She's sleeping. Jack...All right, I'll go check on Jill.Thank you.It's okay, Otto.It's just her...Jill.Wake up.Okay, stay sleepingJet lag.I have a gun! Oh, my God!You see, I live alone.Poopsie's trainedto watch out for me.Don't sneak uplike that, all right'?Where were you?I don't...Come downstairs.Uh, the food's ready.Can you just lay downwith me for five minutes?I'm not laying downwith you. No.Come on. I just wantsome twin time.I'm a grown man.I'm not laying next to you.Just have Poopsie lay with you.I... I don't know.Aw. All right.I'll take a bath, and I'll meetyou downstairs in an hour.Good looking out, Poopsie.Don't forget your sweat shadow.What?All right, just take yourbath and all that stuff,and then burn those sheets.Hey, GUYSJill! You look amazing.Aw. Macy's, Marshalls.Hey, where am I sitting?What do you mean?'Cause, usually,I sit next to you.So all of a sudden, I'm...I'm not going to sit here?Oh, uh, would you...I thought you couldsit down here.I always sit next to Jack.ls there areason I'm moving? No.Jill, if you'd like, you could sit here.I'd be happy to move.Oh, that's okay. You're fine.If you want to... If you...Do you want to sit here?I don't know.Okay, you just sit in my chair.How's that?There you go.All right, thank you.Gary, is that you?Yes, it is.Look how handsome you are.Thank you.It's so nice to see you.Look at this leaf.Look at this.You have it taped on you?That's so cute. Yes.Why did he do that?He likes tape.Hey. Sofie, is that you,or is that you?Good to see you, Erin.Good to see you, Jill.How was your flight?Oh, the house looks amazing.You got a new chandelier?Yeah, yeah.I loved the old one.SO,how's every bodysGobble-Gobble Day'?Great. Excellent.By the way, Jill,this is Otto. Otto.Nice to meet you.Nice to meet you.He's homeless, right?He seems clean,but you should putone of those toilet seatprotectors underneath himto make sure he doesn'truin the chair.Are you whispering witha bullhorn or something'?Everybody hears you.No, they can't,Mr. Hearing Expert.So...Pass that down, Daddy.I'm allowed out hereonce a year,so I tend to miss things.What's going on? Anything new'?Well, Sofie just got hergreen belt in karate.How come I didn'tknow about this?I didn't even know she did karate.What... I mean,I feel like I'm in theTwilight Zone right now.I'm like Jimmy Stewartat the end of that movie,the one where... They...They're in Pottersville.What... What is that...That movie called?It's a Wonderful Life?No, no, with Jimmy Stewart.The... The one where he meetsthe angel and he's mad.It's a Wonderful Life.Why do you keep saying that?No, the one wherehe falls in the pooland he sings Buffalo Gals.He gets all the moneyat the end,and he finds out that hislife really is wonderful.Star Wars.They play it every Christmas.You must have saw it beforeJack made you convert.What? What are youdoing right now?Your brother didn'tmake me do anything, Jill.Everyone has to belike Jack over here.Even poor Gary.What?What does that mean?You made him switchfrom being Indian.What is wrong with you?We adopted him whenhe was 10 days old.This is all he knows.Did you ever think maybehe tapes things to himself'cause he doesn'tfeel connected?You know, to his real parents'?That was very smart.I just thought of that.Isn't it? That was interesting.Aunt Jill? Yes, sweetheart.Yes, Sofie.Do you and Daddyhave twin powers?What's this?What is twin powers?It's this thing we sawon 60 Minutes.Some twins have strange powers,and they can feelwhen the other one's hurt.Oh, Jack and I can do that.What? Why are youmaking a face?When we were kids, you feltit when I broke my ankle.I felt it 'causeyou fell on my head.You like that one? Yeah.All right, good, good.Oh, please!Tell me you don't feel this.I didn't feel it.Maybe if you did it harder.Little harder.No, Jill. Stop it.He's kidding. What?Donkey fight!Jill, are you okay?Yeah, no, I'm fine.Gary, that was...He didn't 100% connect.Feel that, Daddy?I... I actually didfeel something there.Pride in my son.Oh, will you stop it already?These sweet potatoes need salt.I'm so sick of that.Why are you so afraid toadmit that we are connected?Face it.We shared Mom's womb.We were womb-mates.Oh, that is just disgusting.I have an idea.On the show,there were these twins,and they finishedeach other's sentences.Jack, maybe you couldstart a sentence,and Jill, you could finish it.No. No.Come on, Daddy, please!Please, Daddy, please!Please. Oh, my God.Ready to receive mental images.Beep, beep, beep, beep,beep, beep, beep, beep...All right, will you stop?You're scaring him.That's just noisesshe's making.Okay, ready? Yes.I'm very tired, so I'm going toGo to the supermarket.No, I'm going to sleep.What is... Why would I go toa supermarket if I was tired'?That's what I would do.The cold airalways wakes you up.Isn't it nice when it's...You go over there inthe frozen food section?God bless...You! God bless you!I finished your sentence.Got you, Pagogo.What's Pagogo?Oh, it's... It's a namethat Aunt Jill used to call yourdad when they were growing up.I was Pokee, and yourfather was Pagogo.We had our own secret language.Ook maga do do, Pagogo.I have no ideawhat those words mean,nor have I ever knownwhat those words meant.You do know what they mean,and you're lying right now."Ook maga do do"means "I love you.""Bongi" means "thank you.""Klapa" means "left."Hey, do you remember what"Locky mocky koko" means'?Mmm. What does it mean again?Jack, don't.It means, "I can'tstand you being here!"This is really awkward.I'm going to go.Dessert is coming.I'm full.Okay...I love how nice we areto this homeless man,a person we don't even know,who probably is pretendingto be homeless!You don't look homeless to me!You're fat! You're al-Qaeda!Sofia, why don't yougo upstairs?No, Mom, this is my favoritepart of Thanksgiving.You know what? I'm leaving.I'm leaving. That's it.That's it. I'm going.I am going!I hope you're happy!I'm sleeping out herein the woods!At least the animalswill be nice.Jill! He's even turningthe kids against me!Are you okay?Jill, are you all right?No. See, the kids love you.And I love them.And that's the only reasonthat I comeback here every year.Jack, apologize.I'm sorry that you make everybodyuncomfortable. I really am.Jack.All right. I'm sorry aboutwhat I said back there.I didn't mean it.I... I love you.I just feel abandoned.I'm all alone in the Bronx.I don't have any familywith me any more.We didn't abandon you.I told you, you can Skypeus any time you want.I don't even knowwhat that means.What is Skype?It sounds anti-Semitic.What is it?It's just this Internet thing.I don't get that!You know I don'thave a calculator.- Okay.- Do you know what?Our home is your home.So let's go back.I have some ice cream.I don't know, Erin.I'm too upset.I can't eat right now.What flavor? Chocolate.No. You have maple walnut?I don't like chocolate.I... I didn't knowyou liked maple walnutHang in there, brother.She's only here till Sunday.What is donecannot now be amended!Yeah, Ted, I'm lookingat it right now.So, this was two nights ago?If Idid take the kingdomfrom your sons, to make amends,I give it to your daughter.Will you get that?Whoa.You have a phone in your hand!You are told before the playstarts not to have it ring!Shut all cell phones off!This is what the man said!Yeah, this guy's going to doa Dunkin' Donuts commercial.This has got to stop.I'm losing my mind.Help me.Where am I?Thank you.Thank you all for coming.Yeah.How do you know Pacino'sgoing to a Laker game'?Well, yeah, get the tickets,but how am I even goingto get near the guy'?He's going to havesecurity or something.I'm not telling my wifeto wear something trashyjust 'cause it wouldsave our company.Unless she wants to.I mean, that's her thingNo...I'm hanging up the phone.Goodbye.Excuse me, Mrs. Erin,the magnolia branchin the backyardcould fall off any time.I mean, I don't wantanyone to get hurt.Should I take it down now'?Oh, oh, yeah, sure, sure.Whatever...Whatever you think, Felipe.Okay...Oh, did you havea nice Thanksgiving?Yeah, I had the wholefamily come over.Even my Aunt Rosa snuckacross the border.I'm kidding, I'm kidding!Who are you?Are you a gardener or something?No, I... I don'tjust do gardening.I do impressions, too.When Immigration shows up, I doa great impression of a tree.I'm kidding, I'm kidding!Oh, strong. All right.Jay Leno better watch his back.You know it.Nice to meet you, seorita.Okay, nice to meet you.What is he doing?What is his problem?Oh, oh! Jack, Jack, Jack!I put a little list togetherof things I want todo before I leave, so...Oh, my God.I got to touch that?Yeah."Studio tour, beach,""horseback riding,get on a game show."You can't get throughall this stuff.You're leaving Sunday.I don't know.What do you mean, you don't know?You know.I just wanted tohave fun out here,and, you know,we fought last night.I just... I feel reallyweird leaving like that.What do you mean?It was a great night.We... We ate food, we ran in the woods.It was fun.I just... Maybe I shouldstay out through Hanukkah.Mom's gone now,so there's really nothingfor me to go back to.Stay, then! Stay!She can't stay.Because of your airline ticket.It's, like,the busiest time of year.We'll never get youa return flight.That's why I used my twin hunchin knowing that we would fight,and I havean open-ended ticket.Hanukkah!Hanukkah! Hanukkah! Hanukkah!He's going to be mad.I don't know wherewe parked the car.I don't know.I just want to go on withthem because they look scared.I know if I was ridingwith them, they would...I know you sayI weigh too much,but I don't think I do.Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!Okay, I'm ready! Let's go!Oh, my God!Oh, God! Look, I'm so sorry.I weigh too much.You were right!Gary...At least put a helmeton that thing.With your fancy friendsI'm telling youit's got to be the endDon't bring me downNo, no, no, no, noOoh-ooh, hoo... What are you doing?Why can't I just lay with you?You're a weirdo!All right, welcome backto The Price Is Right.Let's find out who's next.Jill Sadelstein, come on down!You're the next contestanton The Price is Right.All right, Jill, go ahead and spinthe wheel, whenever you're ready.You are the best, Drew.This is awesome, guys!Go ahead and...Are you married or not?Uh, no.Go ahead and...Whoo-whoo!Jill, go aheadand spin the wheel.No, because I knowonce I spin it,I don't get to benear you any more.On.All right. All right.Hey, Gary, Sofie.Come on, guys, one dollar!One dollar. Good luck to you.One dollar's the winner!Whoo!I never saw that before.Uh, hey, just give hera bunch of prizes.We'll be right back rightafter this. Don't go away.Call an ambulance.It banged me good.Then, when I hit the floor,that's when I really went out.But when I came to,it was good.They had prizes for me.Say hello to my little friend!Do you wantto play rough? Okay.What is she doing now?I don't know...Whoa! It's hard to hold on.Please don't destroy my pool.I've got it now. I...Ow, my head!But it's such a waste.A full moon, an empty yacht.I'll throw up.I'll be.About the roadhouse...They have a Cuban bandthat's the berries.Let's go there,blindfold the orchestra,and tango till dawn.Do you knowsomething, Mr. Fielding?What?You're dynamite.Daddy.You and Jill are so alike.We are nothing alike,I promise you.Well?I'm not quite sure.Would you try it again?Just watch the movie.I got a funnysensation in my toes.Like someone was barbecuingthem over a slow flame.I think you're onthe right track.WOMAN ON SCREEN I must be.Your glasses arebeginning to steam up.Hello?Shh! Mrs. Applebaum.Hi. Yeah, no...What are you doing?It wasn't an emergency.I just wanted to seehow my plants were doing.Please stop talking!Okay, and you turned the heat off?Turn off the phone.All the way off, though?Jill, Jill!Yeah, I can't hear her.I'm trying to...I'm on the phone.Well, get off the phone,you psycho!No, don't cry.You know what?Don't run away. You just...Don't go in the woods. Jill!I can't believe it.Hey!It's the last nightof Hanukkah!Come on, already!It's happy time!Dude, way to yell at a chick.That's awesome.That was a chick?Yeah, that was a chick.Really.Hey! The brake.Hey, hey, I can do it!It's all right! I got it!I can do it!It's all right!Hey, I can do it.It's okay.It goes fast.I'm getting it on him.She's crazy.She's crazy.She's never leaving.Well, she was going to leaveuntil you called her "psycho."She's forwardingher mail to us now!Highlights magazine.Birdy magazineaddressed to Poopsie!Okay, okay.Did you ever thinkthat maybe she's lonelyand she needs someone toget her through the holidays'?She needs a guy.She needs a guy!No, no, no, no.If we don't get her a guyby New Year's,she's gonna comeon the cruise ship with us.We'll be locked on a boat forseven days! I'll kill myself!Do not get involvedin her love life.Aunt Jill, why don'tyou have any kids'?Gary, did you makeyour bed this morning?It's okay, Erin.You don't have to...I can tell him.Gary, I have all the equipmentand it seems to befunctioning well.I get a little reminderevery 30 days or so.But the point is, Gary,I was never married.Why?Well, everyoneloved your father.He was more of a gadfly.Me, I kept to myself,made sure Grandmaand Grandpa were okay.But everybody loves Aunt Jilljust as much as Daddy.Or more.Don't say that.Your father, he might acttough, but he has thin skin.You'd hurt his feelings.Aunt Jill, did you date boys'?I liked boys.They just, they...They never liked me back.My friend Mimi's mom dates boysshe meets on the computer.Oh, I've heard of this.Yeah, I would do that.It's just, I don't know howto use a computer or a radar.Or a robot or whatever.Well, let's show her!Jack. No, no, no.Uh, Sofie's the onewho brought it up.It's her. She did it.I would do it.I mean, what the heck'?It's no biggie.Let's go for it.I need a man.So many to choose from.Match.com.That's a good one.Uh, eHarmony, I've heard of.They have commercials.MySoul-Mate.net.I like that becauseI got a little soul.Okay, so it says topress here to registerfor your perfect soul mate.No't like that.No. Like this.What are you,a computer whiz?You would think he'd be thegenius, being from India.Now, India's, uh,really amazing lately.They're just leading the pack.I read in Time magazine,they're number one.China's number twoThe Jews, we're backto number three. Okay.Four is Germany,so let's watch out, everyone.All right, all right, listen,you got to picka username, Jill,so just do that.A username?Uh, how about Manilow?'Cause he can use meanytime he wants to.Just kidding. I hopeyou didn't understand that.It's a little risqufor your age.Okay, now you loadyour profile picturethat Sofie took of you.Mmm-hmm, can't wait to see thisMy picture is embarrassing.Put it up.Is it too va-va-voomish?No, it's very natural.Ah, maybe I shouldhave gone withpeanut butter and jelly.This... I like it, I like it.Forget it. I'm committingto it. So, what?If somebody likes me,the little envelope thingwill be blinking?I just, I love this so much.I crave this, family time.It's why you have a family.A ham this good only comesonce a generation.Like me.I give this ham four rings.That's a hell ofa good ham right there.Whose idea was the wig?Oh, that was his choice.I think it's great that Shaqdoesn't look like Shaq at all,that he looks likeAl Sharpton on HGH.Ham-a-lam-a-ding-dong,ham-a-lam-a-ding-dong... Turn the TV off.So, how long does it taketo get a response on one ofthose computer dating things'?I'm, uh, I'm new to this.I mean, it can take,it can take a day,it can take a week.You know what I mean?For someone like her...What was that? What was...Why'd you say, "like her"?Someone like her.Like, uh, in her 40s,still single.You know what I mean?Incredibly homely.Wow, you hate your job,don't you?No. I only said that 'causeyou said that one time.I can say that'cause I'm her twin.Hey, Jack,Laker game tomorrow night.We got to makethat Pacino thing happen.Every bodys really nervousaround here.Yeah, I know, I know.What's this about a twin?Oh, Jack. He has a twin sister.Are you kidding me?You never told meyou had a twin sisterNo, no, I mean, she's...Identical or fraternal?Nocturnal, like a bat.Really?I'll pack my stuff up, man.How we doing in here?Hey, what happened?Aunt Jill checked to seeif any boys liked her.The blinking thingnever blinked.Oh, that's awful.If people could only seehow good she canopen a pickle jar...Yeah, I know.You're right.Okay, see you guys.Okay, where do I finddesperate guys'?Twitter, Maxim,Craigs list.Oh, yeah.Casual Encounters.All right, savages, get ready.Anyone wantingto meet a nice...No, I need someone immediately.Not "nice."Um... Anyone wanting to meeta sexy gymnast model...No, I can't lie so much.Uh...A hot...Hi, Poopsie.Yeah, "hot" works.Crazy...Hey!Personal masseuse...Oh. I pull really hard.Watch your mother.She's going to have relief.Mmm-hmm. What happened?Is she sleeping or something?KnockoutOne dollar. Good luck to you.One dollar's the winner!Whoo!For the night of your life,go to Manilowat mySoul-Mate.net.Oh, man, I'm reallythrowing her to the wolves.But it has to be done.Wow.We're not going to tellanyone about this, are we'?Where were you?I trust you cankeep a secret, kid!You guys!You guys!Are you sitting down'?I got over 100 responseson the computer!Whoa-ho-ho!Look at Miss Popular,all of a sudden.I mean, some of themare weirdoes,but some of them are so nice!I wrote one guy back,and we're going out tonight!Oh, my God!Whoa! I love it!Oh, my God!Yeah.I'm so scared. I don't knowwhat I'm going to wear.Oh, I'll help you.I'll help you.I'm freaking out.I feel like Julia Robertsin that movie.Pretty Woman.No, no, no, the onewhere she's a hooker.What's the name of that one?Uh, Pretty Woman? No, no, no!Why are you saying that?No, the other one.What's the matter with you?What's she going to wear?What are yougoing to wear, Daddy'?In Hell.Shut up.This is like waitingfor the queen.Yeah, yeah. Well, let's seewhat's taking her so long.Go up there, speed her along.Come on, go, go, go.I'm answering it!Funbucket's here!Funbucket?Oh, tell himI'm not ready!Tell him I'm not home!She'll be right down.No! No, it won't zip!It won't zip!HEY- HEY...Are you Funbucket?Yeah, that's me.You don't look likea Funbucket.I was picturing someonemore fun or buckety.You're not the crazy,hot masseuse, are you?I want you to tell meright up front,'cause if you are,I'm not paying for dinner.Come here.If you mention Craigslistto her or do anythingthat hurts her,I will stick my foot...Funbucket?Manilow?Somewhere in the night,we will knowEverything lovers can knowYou're my songMusic too magic to endI'll play youover and over... So, yeah, you know what?I'll be up-front with you.I live in the Bronx andI don't have any children.In all honesty,the clock's ticking,so if dinner works,we got to get to work.I'm kidding you.I just said that 'causeI'm very nervous right nowand I just keeptalking so much.My mouth is moving.I don't even realizehow much it's moving.It's... I'm not even feeling it.It's cottony.So, is this your first dateon mySoul-Mate.net?Yes.Assuming it's really happeningand not some sort ofterrifying nightmare.I know.What do you do for a living'?Don't tell me. I don't want...I want to play 20 Questions.Remember that game?When we were little?20 Questions?Okay, first question.Animal, mineral...I'm going to goto the bathroom.Okay...See you.Um, should I take awayyour salads?Oh, I think he's just waitingfor his to cool off.So, we'll just, um...Just a few more minutes.Thank you.Hello? Hello?Funbucket? Funbucket?Hello?He must have gone outto get some air.Good job.You're alive!How did it go?Oh, it was... It was fine.He didn't try anything funnywith you, did he'?No, no.Does he want to go out again?Is he your prince?Are you his princess?Did he askfor your number?Did he kiss you good night?Oh, will youkids stop it already?It was just a date!Why do you put so muchpressure on me?Why arethere so many stairs?I miss your old chandelier!No one's ever going to love me!I'm a loser!Oh, my God, I'm an idiot.Why?Why are you an idiot?Busted, disgusted,never to be trusted.Hi, Jill.It's okay, it's...We've all had bad dates.Whatever.He was such a...I thought he was coolfor a second.Jack feels likeyou deserve to go outwith a guywho treats you right.So guess who is taking youto the Lakers gametomorrow night.Hairfingers23 fromthe computer?No, actually, I'm your date.I love that, Pagogo!Ook maga do do!That sounds great.Finally some twin time.Oh, pali wali, zoom gali gali.That means, "I want tochoke on my own vomit."Does it?L... I'm a little rusty.I don't remember everything.Oh, my God, look at these guys.They're huge.Yeah, yeah, yeah.They're too big.It's freaky. Will you stop'?It's weird. Stop it.No, it's...Where do they buy pants'?Just please keep walking.I'm sorry.It's likenuclear-power-plant big.That's... That's big.John, we're so close here.Hey. You got us in the game.What's, uh...What's going onwith the beard, man'?I'm doing research.I don't want to berecognized, okay'?Who is that?Hey, Jill, don't go nuts,but I'm gonna tryand talk to Al Pacino.It's Pacino!Al Pacino, the movie actor?Yes, yes, stay calm.What do you thinkpeople are thinking here,that I'm sitting with my rabbi?Hey, guys, big game tonight.Yeah. How you doing, Johnny'?How are you? Huge fan.Good to see you. Thank you.And, uh, Mr. Pacino,I actually met you onetime at a movie premiere.He's thirsty.Okay...It was Cats & Dogs 3,and we were sittingin the same row.One of your kidsknocked over your popcorn,and I gave you mine.And you called me "Popcorn"the rest of the night.Popcorn.Yes.Yeah, nice to see you again.Hey, what's with the beard?You look a littlelike Bin Laden.I was kind of thinking Castro, myself.Yeah.No, no, it's likethe cough drops guy,the Smith Brothers.Who is that?Is that your wife'?No, no, no, that'smy sister Jill.She's in from the Bronx.Hey, Al, do you thinkyou'd ever...Dulcinea.What's that?You're from the Bronx?Yeah, born and bred.Throggs Neck, the nice part.Al, I got a question for you,and I know it's a long shot.Well, I'm from the Bronx.Oh, okay. Did you know that?Yeah, to be honest, I don'tknow much about you.I haven't seena lot of your movies,but I hear you're very serious.Well, you know... Okay.Hey, is Ryan Seacrest here?Have you seen him?Do you know him?I'm sorry, who-crest?Al, would you everconsider doing a...Eh, who is your friend?Was he in Duran Duran?Were you in Duran Duran?Yes. Yes, I was.So, tell me, how long areyou gonna be in L.A.?Oh, my God.Is that John Stamos? Who?Pagogo, Pagogo, let'sgo before he gets away!I want to see himup close! Please!Oh, so, Al,I'm gonna get a holdof your agent, if that's cool.Time to play ball.When's the marching bandcome out?Uh, that's not going to happen.No?Here we go. Here we go.Kobe Bryant!Compliments of Mr. Pacino.What's this?I can't believe this.This is insane, man!You got to call him!Oh, cool your buns.You know I'm still hurting fromthe whole Funbucket fiasco.No, but Pacino liked you!I swear to God,he really liked you!Oh, will you stop already?You know all he wants to do isplay Twister with your sister.Jill, will you justdo this for me?You know, maybe I'll be readyto date again in a few weeks.We'll sit and talk aboutit on New Year's.New Year's?But you're not gonnabe here on New Year's,'cause that'safter our birthday.Which is when you're leaving.Yeah. Uh, I guess so.So, if New Year's comes up...Mmm-hmm.Just tell Jill thatone more passengeron the cruise ship, it'll sink.I'm not telling her that.Tell her... You gotto tell her something.I'm not having hercome to Europe.It's the kids' first trip.Hey, how are we doing in here?It's 6:32.Forty-three years ago at thisvery time, you were born.Happy birthday, Number One.Okay, thank you.Aw, happy birthday, you guys.Okay.No, no, no, not yet, not yet!I wasn't born yet. I'm 6:33.I'm still 42, Erin. Oh, God.So how does it feel, old man?Getting rickety in the bones?I'm so bummed thatyou're leaving tomorrow.I'm going to miss you.Oh, yeah. Oh, God.I'm going to miss...I'm going to missyou guys, too.Especially on New Year's.Get the violins going, yeah.It's just, every year, I'dgo with Mom to Valentino's.It's the restaurant, Erin,where my mother met my father.Oh, I knew that wasgoing to be big.Don't throw it out.We can makea birthday candle with it.Hey, we're onlyI hope they singHappy Birthday to us.Yeah, I hope we still haveour table there, Slick.Why is it so dark in here?Are we going to getkilled or something'?Surprise!Oh, my God.Jack, we got you.You are having a party for us?Oh, coolness!Every bodys here.And I just had to meetyour twin sister.Very nice to see you.I mean, you guysreally do look alike.I say that all the time.He says no.Jill, I wantto introduce you around.This isgoing to be a bad night.This is going to bean awful, awful night.Really, it's fascinating.So, how does it work,Mr. Subway Sandwich?Just, well, just tell me more.Just Jared's fine.Call you Jared? Okay, sure.It's just,To me, that seems too much,almost like a job.I couldn't do that.I don't eat that many. No?Okay, okay,here's the situation.You're here, there'snot a Subway in sight.You're at a steakhouselike this.What do you eat?What do you eat'?I eat other things.Oh, you do'?You do'? I knewyou were cheating.That's why there's somuch goo left on you.What?I miss the old Jared,the 400-pound Jaredthat scared us.I don't miss that one at all.Well, I'm sure you don't.But if he was around, he'd be with meand not with the two hookers.Well, yeah,we love musicals.You know what?You're the Sham-Wow man, right?Yeah. Funny story.- Uh, Jack used to be a bed-wetter.- No!He could have used oneof these Sham-Wow thingshis pee puddles.Oh, there's Mr. Yellow Sheets!Where yougoing, Puddles?All right,nice to meet you all.Am I crazy or is she hot?You're crazy.It's Jack with boobs.Jack with boobs. That's right.There he is!Dude, did you setthis whole thing up'?Yeah, we got through it, man.It came out pretty dope,I think.It's amazing. Hey, Jill.I'm sorry to interrupt.Come here for a sec.Okay, nice to see you.What's going on?Did I ever tell youTodd is an atheist?A what?Oh, God.Have a great time, guys.No. How couldthere be a Grand Canyonif God didn't exist?Right.That's a very good point.I'm just saying,you know, maybe...Maybe God wouldn't have given you arat face if you believed in him.I don't have a rat face.Yes, you do have a rat face!It's scary.Whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa, wait a minute.This guy doesn'tbelieve in God?No!No, no, I'm just sayingthat there's not real proof.Idiots like youreally make me mad!Fight! Fight! Fight him!Fight! Fight! Fight!Because I'm aboutto US Open your skull!Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!Happy birthday to youHappy birth...Happy birthday, dear Jack...And JillHappy birthday to you Come on, make a wish,you twins.Okay, let's do it.Where's the other cake?There's not enough candles for both of us.All right, Jill.One cake's enough.Make the wish.Mom and Dad alwaysgot us two cakes.Made us both feel special.I don't think Mom and Dadwould like this.Make the wish already!I'm hungry!Will you stop already?Blow out the candles.Whoa!Funny meeting you here.Don't be startled.It's only me.It's always the same thing.It's L.A.I never know where I am.It's a wilderness here.I mean, in the Bronx,you got the streets,you got the numbers.You got 187th, 188th.Yeah, right, in order.It follows in sequence.Here, you got the palm trees,and they all look alike.I have no idea where we are.You really don't? I don't.Lucky... Lucky for us,I got the panic button.You have a panic button?Yeah, and we'll soon findout where we are, huh?There we go. That's a house.That's not a bakery.Whether we goin a bakery, a house,what difference does it make?It makes a difference!What do you mean?There's a bakery in the house.Get out of town! Come on.I'm not going to your house.I want to seea birthday cake soonor I'm taking pepper spray out.I'm not kidding.O ye of little faith.What is that, a Shakespeare'?No, that was Jesus.Okay, birthday girl.Oh, my God. Here it is.You name it,Xavier, my guy, will bake it.Oh, my God!Look, I made her happy.I love this!made you happy...To dreamthe impossible dream Nutcracker.No. That? That's, uh,Man of La Mancha.They offered me the part ofDon Quixote on Broadway.Ooh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah.But, you know, I'm just,uh, I'm not there yet,so I'm mulling it over,you know?I love that. That's where the, uh,man's in the tower ringing the bell'?That's Quasimodo.That's Hunchback of Notre-Dame.See, this is Don Quixote.Don Quixote meetsthis, uh, fallen womanwho he thinks is hislost love Dulcinea.Right.And he can'tstraighten his back,so he keeps ringing the bell.And he has a sidekick.It was a mouse.Okay, moving on.Listen, Bronx, I got abirthday surprise for you.Another one? Yeah.It's myoriginal stickball stick.Oh. Come with me a second.Let me just eat some cake.This is so good.Leave it.You've been eating enough.We really have to stop now?Xavier!Oui, monsieur?Ha!He's going to throw the ball,and you are going to take thisstick with two hands, right?And you're going to hit it.Do I have to playthis weird game?It's not weird.Jill, it's in you.It's in your DNA.Just think Bronx.Let it just float.Okay, okay, okay...Can you do me a favorand not hold me like this?All right. I'm justtrying to show you.Okay, all you got to do ismake contact, that's all.I feel like this is your gameand it's not my game.If you want to play my game,Hungry Hungry Hippos, Sabaday.Do you have that here?That's coming.Goobledy gibble globbity!What language are you speaking?Just throw it.Oui, oui. Okay.Come on, no batter here, pitcher!No batter!I just don't knowwhy we're doing this.Oh! Whoa!Oh, my God! Oh, my God!I am so sorry!I'm sure you haveothers, though.Uh, you'd think it, but,uh, oddly enough, I don't.But I have you.You don't have me. I...I'd rather have you.I'm sorry. I'm going to go.I just... I had fun,but I'm so tired.It's 8:30 in the morning,my time.Do you know what timeit is for me?It is time for my salvation.Because finally,I found the one woman,with all her rough-hewn charm,who will lead me back...to sanity.You're sick.You're a sweetie.I saw what you were doingwith the stickand it was gross.Thank you, Sabaday.Wait a minute, where doyou think you're going?I'm not your wham-bam-eggs-and-ham type.But you don't have a car.Why are you ignoring me?What happened to me?What's this?Help me!Where were you?What do you mean?I was here, bird.Felipe.Miss Jill?What you doing out here'?I stayed out here because Ididn't want to go in the house.And Erin tried to make mecome back in and I wouldn't.He yelled at me'cause I rejected Al Pacino.Well, if you need something todo, I'm just fixing the timerand heading off toa big family picnic.We play soccer, eat,steal white people's wallets...What did you say?I'm kidding! I'm kidding!We don't eat.Oh, stop it.Why won't you help me?What are you doing?Put Poopsie down!It flew in my bread.Hey, Rosa!This is my friend, Jill.Hi. That's my father,my mama, my brother Juan,my other brother Juan,Juan Jr.,my sister Juanita,my grandma Juangelina,and that... I'm kidding!I was going to say,that's a lot of Juans!We're notall named Juan.Hey, nios!Look, these are my kids.Jos, Jos Jr. Y JosefinaThey are beautiful.Hi. Hi.They all look likemy wife, thank God.Your wife'? I need to meet her.Where is she?Well, she passed awayfour years ago.I'm so sorry.I lost my mother recently.No, that's all right.I love talking about my wife.And I know she's up theresneaking into Heaven right now.It's a joke! It's a joke!Your father's bad.He's bad! He's very bad!Ready for the bestMexican food you ever had'?I never had Mexican food.What?I'm sorry. It's not my fault.Uh, they don'tserve it at my deli.Well, today is your lucky day.Okay...Taste. Cool.WOW!That's chile relleno.It looks like a knish.Never had Mexican food.It's very, very good.I'm kidding. Are you okay'?Yeah, I'm fine.Heads up.What is this thing?No, no, no, no, no, no!It's too hot.Just like you.Oh, Felipe, easy.Come on, Jill!Come on!Get Jill out there!Come on, Jill, run!Run!Jalapeos. Jalapeos.Okay, this is yours.What happened?Jalapeos! Jalapeos!Jalapeos?Did I get it?Jalapeos.Go! Run!Shoot that! Shoot that!Goal!Whoa!It's not a guy.Felipe, I love it!Hey, hey, hey.Hey, Mr. Popcorn.Is that Al Pacino?Are you kidding me?How you doing?Listen, I got a littlesomething herefor Ms. Sadelstein.My God, she's nothere right now.Oh, that's our loss, isn't it?Have you any idea when shemight be coming home'?Hopefully soon.You know what, I hope so.I'm waiting on her, too.And I wanted to tell you, Al,if she wasn't receptivethe other night...Oh, my God!I know she's in here, Popcorn.How'd you get over the fence?Jill, come on!You want me to get yousomething to eat or...All I want to dois make you happy!Uh-huh. I want to see you.I want to know that you exist.That I'm not justimagining you!Al, she really isn't here.Uh, for realThis it? Yeah.She sleeps here?She does. She sleeps there.Ooh, God, sorry youhave to see that.She sleeps with someone?No, no, no, no, that's a bird.That's not a human.No problems.Look at this.Isn't that something? Yeah.How does this happen?Al, I wouldn't lay there.That's not, uh...She leaves an after-scent.Hey, Popcorn, you know,you're not really giving meany confidence here.About what? Where is she?Al, I don't know where...Where you hiding her?She's coming back,she just is nothere right... Hey, Jill!Lot of places to hide.Hey, Jill!Al, she's coming back,I swear to you.She got an 8:00 flighttonight, so I promise.What? She's leaving'?Uh...Come here.Come to you?Yeah, come, come.We gotta talk.Yeah.You want to turn my name intosome coffee-drinkchocolate-doughnut thing'?Well, yeah.Tastefully, though. I think...Then you get me the girl.Get you the girl?Get me the girl."Get" is a strong word.'Cause this is my sisterwe're talking about.You don't understand!Well, I want to understand.You don't understand!Go ahead, go ahead.Tell me what I need to know.Your sister and I... Yeah?We grew up on the same streets.We breathed the same Bronx air.Yes, yes, yes.When I look at her, I see me.When I look at her,I see me, too. Just...I know what you mean.I see what I was.I'm lost, Popcorn.I am.I go visit my kids,I can't find them.Lend up talking to lemon trees.You know what? I'm lost now.What does...Jill... Yes?Is going to get me there.Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.I just want a shot.You understand?Let's get you a shot.Right.Only way to get you a shotis to have my sister stayeven longer out here,which is amazing news for me.It's so warm tobe the holiday season.But thank you.I really had an amazing time.Too bad you'retaking off tonight.I... Well, I have to.He's abusive to me.Not physically, 'cause I wouldhurt him, but mentally.And, it's time to go. I know.Maybe next time you're...Maybe next time you'rehere, if you ever...Yes? That's... What?If I ever what?Well, maybe next timeyou're here, if...Your engine...Your engine seems to be...It's a diesel truck,I'm guessing, right'?No. Uh...If you ever want to seea movie or something...Oh, my God.Okay. Yeah, yeah,yeah, just hold the thought.I have... I have to go!I have to really go!What did I say'?Oh, no, it's not you,it's the chimichangas!They're making a runfor the border!Oh, you're throwingchimichanga bombs?Oh! Oh, God!Jill, where were you?Aw, she's not talkingto us still, I guess.I am not talking to you!I am talking to Erin!Erin, I got to go makesome chocolate squirties!Oh, God!Oh! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!Oh, please get there. Yes.Hey, Jill, can I talkto you for a second?No! My bags are packedand there's nothing left to......say.I spent the dayat Felipe's picnic,where I finally felt welcome.By everybody.I tried this new foodfor the very first time.I'm guessing Mexican?Yes, Mexican,Mr. Food Detective!And Felipe treated me like a...What, is Evel Knieveldoing wheelies in there?Hey, so I just wanted totalk to you about last nightand everything, and...Oh, my God.Wow, I, uh...I was thinking about last nightand all that stuffyou were saying, and...Are you hot or something?I just have to, uh...God Almighty!I would love for you tostay a few extra days.No, I'm going home.I already told them to turnmy electricity back on.You can't be alone on...You can't be aloneon New Year's.Come on, that's just not right.You want me to stay that long'?I thought you were goingon your big cruise.Jill, I want you to comeon the cruise with us.Pagogo, I can't believe it.Of course I'll come with you.Thank you! Yes! I mean, of...You want... Yes!Yes! Oh... Oh, my God!Poopsie, Poopsie, we'recruising through Europe!Welcome to RoyalCaribbean International.Vacation, all I ever wantedVacation, had to get away Oh, Poopsie, we're notin the Bronx any more.This boat has everything!Oh, my God!Hello?What took you so long to pick up'?Jack, Pacino's calledhere three times.What do you want me to tell theDunkin' Donuts people, all right'?We got five days, Jack, to getScarface or they move on.I know, I know.Oh, my God!There's a pool on a boat?Do you want me to get AIPacino on the phone now'?Tell Pacino I'll call himtonight at 5:30, okay'?And just one more thing.Yeah, what?God told me your feet wereon my desk, so get them off!All you can eat.Go for it, Poopsie.Have a chocolate bath.Where were you?Oh! All right, it's 5:30.I got to make a call. To who?Uh, I got one last businesscall to make and thenthat's it for me.I love you. Be back.Amongst this princely heap,if any here,by false intelligence...Hold me a foeif I unwittingly...or in my rage, committedaught that is hardly borneby any in this princelypresence, I do reconcilemyself to his friendly peace.'Tis death to meto be at enmity,and desire all good men's love.Where were you, Popcorn?What do you mean? It's 5:30.No, no, it's 9:30 my time.I was waiting for you at 5:30.Oh, it's four hoursthe other way.I just... I got confused. I...Okay, whatever,whatever, whatever.What's going on?How's she doing'?We're, uh, we're, uh, we're coming along.That's how we're doing.Coming along?What does that mean, "coming along"?- What does that mean?- Come on, wrap it up!It means we're getting there.We just needa little more time.Put her on the phone.I want to hear her voice.Ah, she's not here right now.This reminds me of thatboat movie with Leonardo.- Titanic?- No, the one with the iceberg.Who is that?That was, uh, Poopsie.Why won't you let me talk...Hey, can you... You got to be quiet.I can't hear him!All right? Please. Please!Yeah, listen,you get me this girl,or you don't get that Dunkaccinocommercial, you understand?Don't you know me?Don't you knowI would use all my power,all the power I have,to keep a commerciallike that from happening'?Don't you know that?Is he seriously breakingout The Godfather?I swear to God,I'm going to cry.Put her on!Put her on!Pacino!Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.Hang on for a second.I'll put her on.Hello'?Jill, my darling,just to hear your voice.What are they doing?Why are they trying to keep us apart?Nobody's keepingme apart from anybody.I'm my own person.You remember that.Oh, I knowyou're your own person.Nobody's like you.Uh...Would you likea little privacy?I could finish up for you.No, no, it's okay. It's okay.Nobody wants to see you.But thanks, anyway.Jill.Can you meet mewhen you dock in Spain'?But what aboutyour Shakespeare show'?Don't you have that to do?You kidding? This is L.A.They got Bruce Jennerplaying Lord Rivers.Yeah, I don't think so.Darling, put your brother on.Okay. Here he is.Hello. Jack's back.Popcorn, we did it! We did it!I'm coming,I'm coming to get her!You're coming to get her?She just said, "I don't think so," I thought.I can smell hornyacross an ocean.Here's howit's going to go down.top deck, portside.I'll be there.Audience, could youtell me where I was?"But he, poor soul."But he, poor soul,by your first order died.Good afternoon, passengers.Hope you all are enjoying ourRoyal Caribbean activities.And for those of yougoing ashore later,we will be arriving inbeautiful Majorca by sunset.Come on, sweetie. Go!Jump! Jump!Oh, no, no, she's good.Pagogo, why don't these guysknow how to jump rope?Why didn't you teach them?We were the double dutchkings in our neighborhood,and these guys can'tdo a single wing-ding.Daddy, you knowhow to jump rope'?No, I don't knowhow to jump ropeYour father likes to pretendhis life started in California.We were champs.Everyone loved us in the neighborhood.Come on, Daddy, please.No. No, no. Bring it over here!CiCi, Rodney, kick it!Get up here. Get up here.I, uh...Do it, do it. Yes!Let's go! Come on!Here's the twin power.Bring it!Oh, my God. Okay.WOW!Do "The Mummy."Come on, turn up the heat.It's tricky to rock a rhymeTo rock a rhymeThat's right on timeIt's tricky, tricky, huh! IThat was all your father.That was you!You were great, Pokee.Now she's Pokee?She's always been Pokee.I was thinking,tonight, portside,you could go on that deck,check out the stars,put on something gorgeous,'cause there might bea handsome surprisewaiting for you.Oh, really? You going tointroduce me to my Mr. Right?Uh, maybe.Oh, really?It's not Al Pacino, is it?Why, is it Al Pacino?No, no, it's not.'Cause that would justhurt me at this point.But it's not, so...Treating me like some sortof prosti-twin, that's bad.It's not. It's not. It's not.It's not, all right?All right! Then why areyou getting so angry?Why are you so annoying?What? Jack!Why would you say that?We were just having fun!We never have fun when you're around!I'm sorry!Oh, no, no! You... This is you, man!This is on you! Go, go!You're out of your mind!You're out of your mind!Yeah, yeah, yeah!Let's see. Pit stain.Pit stain.I don't know what that is.Okay, clean.You tell anybody, I willfry you up and eat you.Huh'?Yeah.All right, where is he, man?He said portside, I'm portside.Where am I supposed to be?Cheesecake! Huh!Oh! Holy crap!Just climb onthe ladder, there!Don't you think maybeyou should land that thing?That would be easier for me!It's safer to hover!WOW!Yeah! Whoa!Xavier, look at her go!Ho! Lam back!Ah...Seorita, I was gone too long?No, not at all.It's, uh...Really good to see you again.So, what is different aboutyou tonight? I don't know.Nothing. No, no, no, no.There's something...Did you drop some weight'?Maybe that's it. Yeah, I'm looking thinner.Yeah, I think so.That's probablywhat you're seeing.I think you're morefeminine or something.A little more... Less muscular.I don't agree, but, uh... Okay.Gloobledy globble bibbly blop.Blobbledobble... gibbledy blip.Hibbledy globb, shoelaceThis is the heavy, hard stuffor how are we doing here?What is this?One for the lady.Qu lindo!That's enough for me.Who's Poopsie?I keep hearing,"Poopsie, Poopsie."Poopsie is my bird.Ah?I used to raise pigeons.Really? Yeah.No, I'm sorry. That was Brando.Oh!Are you ticklish?No.Oh! I said I'm not, so...No, no, it's just thatStella Adler, the great actingteacher, once wrote in a book,the only way you can really getto know somebody is if you,uh, watch their behaviorwhen they're being tickled.Would you do me the honorand just lift upthose girlie arms'?I just haven't shaved underthere in many, many years.You don't want to see that.We're in Europe.It doesn't matter.I think even here, they mightbe, like, "What is that?"No, no, not here.Give me a try.Okay, so, here we go.Oh, my God.Ah! Look at us.All right!Stop it! What?What was that?Just... I don't really...I didn't like that.I'm sorry. That was powerful.And it just came outof you like, "Boom!"You know, what?We're better with just... Oh!Whoa. Whoa!I don't even knowwhere Jack is right now.He's avoiding me.That's where he is.Can I work in with you guys?Sure. Knock yourself out.I think he hates'cause I talk so much.It bothers him, you know?But when I'm in the Bronx,I have no one elseto talk to but Poopsie,so when I'm around other humans, I...I tend to blab a lot.No, you don't. I do, I do.Will you throwa couple more 45s on'?Erin, he was beingso nice to me,and then I had tobring up the Pacino thing,because. I don't know.I do that. It's just 'causeI'm insecure, you know'?I feel like the only reasonhe brought me on this cruiseis for some Pacino-relatedshenanigansand it just gets in my head.He told me he wanted youto come on this cruisebecause he didn't want you tospend your first New Year's Evewithout your mom alone.He said that?Yeah.Oh, my God, thatmeans so much to me.Why didn't I use my twinpowers to know that?Do they not work whenyou're out of the country'?Maybe they don't.That's why he was mad!'Cause he was being good to me, and I...I did what I didand I'm a jerk,and I have to call him.And I'm gonna straighten thewhole family vacation out,- I promise. This is so cool!- Push!Push! Push harder!I was pushing it!Hey! Hey!All right! Al Pacino!Al, Al Pacino!Al Pacino!Now you got it!All right, let's have...Here you go!Boom! Ah, yeah!Oh, I always come on the short end of that.I'm getting a call.Hello. Hello?Hello?I don't understand.Are you mockingmy voice right now'?No, no, no, I'm not.I... I can't talk right now.Okay, don't talk, then.Just listen.I just wantto tell you I'm sorry.I'm... I'm the reasonwe're fighting right now.And... And I neverthank you enoughfor doing all you dofor me, so thank you.Who is that, your brother? Yeah.Who is that, Jack?That's, uh...It's... It's nobody!Hey, Popcorn,we're having fun here!Are you with Al Pacino?No, no, I'm not! I just...I said I can't talkright now, weirdo!Please tell me you're not doingwhat I think you're doing.I said I can't talk,so I'm hanging up!Jack, speak inyour regular voiceor I'll know the real reasonwhy you brought meon this cruise.I can't always do what you wantwhen you want it! Bye!I mean, come on!Hey, what'sPopcorn's problem'?Mayor McCheesy doesn'tlike his new script'?Oh, get over yourself.My brother's very goodat what he does.He's going to write a bookone day, you'll see.Oh, yes, he's an author.I forgot, that's right.He's got a whole novel in himabout Desenex foot powder.Ooh! Oh!So funny.Okay. Yes.Oh, that's the Bronx girlcoming back.Now, you take back whatyou said about Pagogo!Go ahead, do it.Defend the honorof that self-deluded,sycophantic, bitter hack.Are you okay? Get off of me.Okay. It's not okay.I'm sorry.I know... What could I do?You know, you had that, uh...You had a broken bottleand were coming at me.Yeah, yeah, well,get away from me.All right.Just let me breathe for a second.I just... I need my own space.Back up.Okay, all right, I'm backing up.Back up! All right!Oh, geez. Hey...You don't hit a girlwith a chair on the first date!It's amazingthe way you stick upfor your brother. It's just...Well, I got to do that.Don't I at least owe him that?'Cause all I ever do is take thingsfrom him and ruin things and...Well, that's his pointof view, you know.I mean, that's the wayhe makes you see yourself.You want to know what I see?Yes, I want toknow what you see.You can get any girlin the world,and why would you want me?Answer that. It makes no sense.Well, I see an angelwith a broken wing.I see a brother whoall he got all his lifewas everything.All the glory,all the accolades,everything since they were two.I... I see a girlwho wants recognitionbut just never gets it,yet she has a heart so big,she finds happinessin seeing her brotherreceive it all.Yeah, yeah, but come on,aren't I a pain in the butt?I mean, don't Iannoy everybody?You got so much lovein you, Jill,so much to give.You just need someoneto give it to.To dreamThe impossible dreamTo fightThe unbeatable foeTo bear withunbearable sorrow Dulcinea.Dulci-what-a'?You are Dulcinea from theBroadway play they offered meand I am the Man of La Mancha.Oh.You got me there.I'm taking the part!What about my brother?What do I do? What do I say'?Ah, your brother.Oh, I don't know there'smuch you can do about him.I mean, not thathe doesn't love you.He loves you, I'm sure, butit's a kind of deathbed love,the kind of love he'll lookback on when it's too late.Hey, listen, I'm gonnado Man of La Mancha.No, no, no, I got to fix it.I got to fix it now,now I got to fix it.Hey, where are you going?Back to the ship.Would you stay if I didyour brother's commercial'?Oh, the heck withthat commercial.I'm going to see my womb-mate.Come on,come on, pick up the phone.You havereached the voice mailbox of...What is this? How do you...To leavea voice message, press one.Oh, God.Jill!Jill, open up!Jack?Um, what are you wearing?You were with Al Pacino,weren't you?Wow, you're good.Jill was right.You are a weirdo.I know I am.Where is she? Where's Jill?She went home,and nowl know why.She went home?Oh, God, what am I going to do?Good-bye, good-byeGood-bye, my loveI can't hideCan't hideCan't hide what has comeHappy New Year!Happy New Year!I have to goAnd leave you aloneBut always knowAlways knowGoing in alone is fine,Mom, and I'm not alone.I'm with you.Good-byeGood-bye Hey, well, guess what,I'm not wearing underwear.It's New Year's Eve.Let's have some fun.Yo, you guys.Is that Jill Sadelstein?She was absolutelythe biggest loserin our high school.I mean, didn't she marry thatbird and move to the jungle?OMG, she's here alone tonight.The loserness continues.Hey, Jill.Oh, hey! Happy New Year, guysWhere you been hiding, hon?I was visiting my brotherfor Thanksgiving, and he...I just decided to stay outthere with him for a while.Yeah, he must have loved that.For your information, Carol,he begged me to stay,but I'm just too exhaustedfrom being on game showsand dating movie stars.Oh, who'd you hook upwith, Rob Schneider?I like him.God, you're hot.You know, I don't liketo kiss and tell,but I was with Sir AlPacino for a whole night.Aw, honey, it mustnot have worked outsince you're all alone tonight.Yeah. Aren't you'?She's not alone.She's with her family.Jack? Jill.What are you doing here?That's Jack.I just... I realizedthere's something that I...I want to tell you so much.I just... I don'tknow how to say...What?Ook maga do do, Pokee.Oh, my God.Ook maga do do blarda,blarda, blarda.Mama Pandoree bon PapaPandoree long bada-bada.Bada-Bada, I know.Pagogo Tu lrayNah ee Pokee Para mee.But most important,BongiBongi que Mahjongee.Of course, I love those guys.Bongi para rumpernickelpumpernickel.That's freaking beautiful.It's justJust beautiful.Para Kaya!Ook maga do do.Coodlee me, coodlee me.I'm so happy, so happy...Thank you.So, what, are you,like, his wife?Is that Monica?Yeah. Hi, I'm... I'm Erin.Nice to meet you.Well, I guess he settledfor second best.Because I dumped his sorrybutt in high school.Yes, I did.Don't worry, Erin.They used to call her"The Cheese Tray"'cause she got passedaround at all the parties.Oh, we're getting busy.I'm right here.What are you doing?What did I do?Don't you touchmy sister-in-law.Knock her out,Jill, knock her out!Oh, my God! You okay?Oh!Muleteers!Prepare to do battle.Oh, my God,is that Colonel Sanders?Al, what is this?Why do you look like that?He... He's doingMan of La Mancha now,so he always staysin character.Milady.Al, I'm so sorry.I thought I made it clear,we're not meant to be.Pokee, Klapa!It's...It's not you, it's me.Dulcinea. Yes?Your purity befits a knightmore worthy than I.Go to him.He waits for you.Pagogo, where's the knight?You'll just have to seeJill, come on.There's a knight?Oh, my God, there's a knight?Yeah, yeah. There's a knight!There's a knight!Ah! It's a foul monster! Ah!Al, that's a ceiling fan.No, it's a whirling,five-arm beast.What is this?What? Oh.- She's going to show up.- Wha... What the...Felipe, what is this?I don't understand.What is going on here'?What is happening? What...Felipe, how did you do this?What? This is... Jill.Hi, guys, hi.What are you doing here?Jill, before you left,what I was trying to tell you,while you were droppingchimichanga bombs...That was awful, I'm sorry.Is that you make me feel like,like I just climbed out ofthe trunk of my cousin's carafter driving 1,100 milesacross the border.Huh?I'm kidding. I'm kidding.I was going to say, "He'sruining the mood," but... Yeah.But not about you.What?I love you, Jill.I... I love you.You love me? Yeah, I love you.Somebody loves me.I love you, Jill.Will you convertto Judaism for me?What?I'm kidding! I'm kidding!Oh, Felipe!I love you, Jill.All right, all right,he said he loved you.Don't kill him! Come on!I love you.What are you doing?Jack, jump in hereand lay with me.- Lay with me.- Oh, just lay with Felipe.Can't you do that'?Something'sbrewing at D'in' D.WOW!Al Pacino!It's not Al any more,it's Dunk.Dunk Accino?Don't mind if I do.What's my name?DunkaccinoIt's a whole new gameDunkaccinoYou want creamy goodness,I'm your friendSay helloto my chocolate blendAttica, hoo-wah, latte liteThis whole trialis out of sightThey pulled me back inwith hazelnut, tooCaramel swirl...l know it was youEveryone wants my DunkaccinoCan't get enoughof my DunkaccinoKids from sevento seventeen-0Lining up for my DunkaccinoWhat's my name?DunkaccinoA-Dunka-DunkaDunka-Dunka-Dunkaccino And, boom, there you have it.It's actually 32 seconds,so I got to lose two seconds.Maybe you can tell me what,what part you would lose,but I think we aregetting there.Burn this.I'm sorry?This must neverbe seen by anyone.If you didn't like all thoseclose-ups, we can, we can...This is not the final cut.There's no doubt,we can, we can...All copies.Destroy them.You want me to play it again?Has anybody seen this?Nobody has seen this.They have to be foundand talked to.All right, to be honest,I showed my wife.She couldn't believe...No good, no good.So I used to be fatter,and so what he would do...Picture him way bigger, like...So what would happen is we'dget together on Thanksgiving.He'd kind of gatherthe family around,and, and so I would have to go,"This is me beforeUltra Slim Fast.""And this is me now!"And everybodywould laugh at himand he'd go cryin the other room.I'm Larry, this ismy brother Dave.We used to be triplets,but he ate the other one.Let me tell you, I don't,I don't really like gettinginto fights with himbecause I really...I don't like closingmy fist on him,so when we get into fights,we look like sissieswhen we fight each other.You know, 'cause I don't,I don't really like...It's kind of that...The schoolyard fightwhen you see two girls.She's my baby girl,she knows that.We're like a husband-and-wiferelationship.We fight and then we come together.That's sick, okay?I mean, not in a sick way.You shouldn't say thatlike that, that's sick.Not in a sick way.I don't like my brother.I have a deep, intensedislike for my brother.He's a bad guy.I know what the problem is.He didn't say anythingabout it, did he?He don't like the mustache'cause he can't grow one.Well, usually, when wecelebrate a birthday,usually it's morethan one cake.It's four cakes.It's usually four.Yeah. It's usually four cakes.There's right hand, lefthand, right hand, left hand.Or one for me and one for himand two for his girlfriend.Yeah, yeah.She was actually living in L.A.And I was in Kentucky doingthe race at that moment.I was tired. Yeah.'Cause I did nottrain properly.And I started feeling,like, these painsor something like that, andit was, like, weird, so...So, yeah. I mean, that's mypart of, like, ESPN or ESP.Whatever it's called. It's ESP.Okay, whatever.ESPN is the network for sports.You figure it out.Well, you know,I'm married, so...Yeah, we don'thave girl issues.Yeah, well, I...Sometimes, though,I do try to hook him upwith someone.I mean, if they come up to meand they're like, they likeme, I'm like, "Oh, sorry,"and then I'm like, "Hey,look at this guy, though."And so, I mean, he's kindof like the backup twin.I don't care, I take it.I said, "Look, dude,I don't think I can...""I don't thinkI can go on this date,""but I can't,can't break the date.""'Cause, you know,it's got to happen,""it's got to happen tonight."I said, "Well,Rog, you know..."You said... What'd you...What'd you tell me?"How does the girl look?How does she look?"I said, "Dude, she'sa 10, she's hot.""She's hot?" "She's hot."I said, "Well,you know, send me.""I'll put, I'll put her onice for the night, you know.""Send me out, I'll make sureeverything's good for you,""you know, and you'll begood to go next week."So I did.He went out with the girl.It was smooth, right?She... I think she fell in lovewith him on the first date.What's funny is, my brotherended up dating this girlfor, like, four...What, like three and a half years?Yeah, it was likethree and a half years.She never knew we switchedon the very first date.She said, "The best time ofmy life was the first date."There you go.I was like, "Oh, come on."Growing up with longhair, full Afros.Oh, yeah, fine,with some platform shoes,something you'd remember.You stole my good pair.All right, let's move,let's move.It's tricky, it's trickyTricky, tricky, trickyIt's tricky to rock a rhymeTo rock a rhymethat's right on timeIt's trickyT-T-T- Tricky, tricky, trickyIt's tricky to rock a rhymeTo rock a rhymethat's right on timeIt's tricky, tricky, huh! IAh!The best thing about beingtwins is, when I fall,when I feel sad, Elijahjust picks me right back upand that's just helpful to me.Love my twin. Love my twin.Love you, sis. Love you.I love us.You smell.I love this guy.I can't imagine life without my brother.But we love each other.Yeah, but we love each other, right, okay.You're my only friend.That's so sad.It was cool, man.I love my brotherI love you, man.No matter how bad he is, nomatter what he does wrong,he's still my brotherand he's still number one.Without a twinyou're useless.We're good to go. Triplets? No.No, nah. Nasty, ugly.Uh-uh, finite. Uh-uh.No, done. No, we're done.Twins. Yes.Keep 'em. Let's go.I got to get this pin...

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