#essense could only be either of them. but this is not the point bc then i was thinking that shi mei was simultaneously mo nian

[papercutsmp3]

bro is inquisitive

#thinking of the possibilities of how it could be worse it's funny how you start to get addicted to thinking like a danmei writer #you are like anddd what if this person was (insert a guy who coughed once in chapter 15) anyways #i managed to not get many spoilers bc i hate it but i have always suspected that shi mei had a thing for cwn firstly bc i once saw a ship #tag and was like ?? well that is not uncommon as people ship shrek with chanyeol (im people) but secondly after that scene where mo ran #pinky interrogated him i was sooo 100% sure of it. but then there was nothing much so i let it go. the one mini spoiler i saw was #the enemy on pinterest who replied to a pic of a character saying it was shi mei/other name (didn't look at it) so it was why i knew #he was classically someone else. but even without that his ass was raising suspicion just for the way how blank he was #and i knew it was intentional so i kept thinking who he could be and my guess was xu shuanglin (rest in pieces poor guy) #bc i thought that both of them had the same spiritual essence or something. also the guy in the motel at the beginning who also had water #essense could only be either of them. but this is not the point bc then i was thinking that shi mei was simultaneously mo nian #bc why would he have the reason to be annoyed with mo ran to that extent. and also bc i knew there was a fire and hua binance has face burn #but mo ran chopped his head off bless his souls and good for him so how else can that be worse #he could also be that child of nangong yan who had his mother die bc of mo ran and mom he would also have a reason to try and compare #himself to mo ran in every way and hate him but why would he need to store nangong blood for mount jiao is he is nangong himself #but that would be great for disgusting points bc he would be mo ran's half brother doing all that ?? #im just taking a break from throwing up bc of his ass trying to assault cwn every chance he gets and idk anything yet #so it would be interesting to keep guessing his motives as i do not get it yet but also (procceed to throw up) #also his interactions with corpse taxian ?? god tier. taxian is in the middle of diss battle drops his mic after every sentence #the crowd (me) cheers. moving on but i really enjoy insane plot twists i wish i remembered well what i was thinking while reading tgcf #the widely known thing is that i didn't even consider that fu yao and nan feng were fengqing it's my favorite thing bc i wholeheartedly #believed the little guys just loved their generals way too much #00

[doubt-is-the-origin-of-wisdom]

Trixter mentioned being unsure if they were truely multiple or if they are essentially sectioning off part of themself.

I don't feel it it my place to try to address that for them, nor do i really have the knowledge to do so even if they wanted, as i am not in their head.

But what they said did get me thinking about us. I will work... not quite chronologically, but vaguely so.

So I'll begin at when Trixter brought up having aspects. Always defined as a sort of... part of them but also in a way seperate. So not alters as the word is typically used, though i must say that there is a type of multiplicity that accounts for minimal separation. I will find the graphic if i can after i write this.

But yes, Trixter sharing that with us is really what made roan start to actually look at the rest of us. Not just sometimes feel us then pretend like it didn't happen, or at least didn't feel like it wasn't quite them.

And when they began accepting our presence... they didn't feel like we were really seperate from them either. Well. They did think i was, at least moreso than the others.

My theory on why they saw us as perhaps states of being, but not beings in ourselves, is that we... werent really able to be.

Up until this point, we were discouraged from existing at all. The few times (i believe) any of us controlled the body was... misunderstood (sometimes intentionally so) to the degree that i still don't know if it was one of us or roan.

It is still difficult to tell which of us perhaps encouraged certain events to happen because... roan would not recognize us, not really, and certainly didn't care to recognize distinctions between us.

That changed eventually, obviously. It first began to change when roan moved out of their parents house. There is still... a degree of restriction, certainly, from kelly. But nowhere to the degree it was.

Moving out allowed them to begin to... look at us. Sort of. To hear me when i couldn't help but say how srupid they were being. Um, chain and i are the only ones we can even maybe remember something of before roan moving out. Well. Blacklight as well. I am still unsure about them so I'll mostly be ignoring them in this.

I think fox was too scared to do anything and... well life just didn't feel the need to. And obviously they were unwanted so why would they push?

Once roan was out of that house they slowly started to be able to... recognize us. They still didn't know us (and as i will get to later, we also didn't know ourselves really), but they knew my chastisement wasn't from the same source as chains rage, even if it was at the same thing.

Then when trixter shared their aspects with us, it allowed roan to gather the courage to actually confront and try to understand us.

In the start of that? There wasn't much to see. Id said we didn't really know ourselves and that is true.

They tried to ask us things. Who we were. We had no idea how to answer. We'd never been able to discover that for ourselves, so how would we know? When Trixter named us, the names felt right. So then we had that, at least.

But then roan was curious for Quite A While. Are we really just... sort of altered expressions of them? Or are we our own people. We certainly had no idea at the time. And even now, while we have an answer, it isn't simple, nor can we be certain.

What I'd say now? Is that we are separate people (or whatever). But that may not have always been the case. And it may be that if roan hadnt proceeded how they did, maybe we wouldn't have developed to be as individual as we are now.

How they proceeded was this. They were trying so hard to get themself together. Which, while not a bad thing to do, wasn't fueled by only great reasons. And they felt an urgency. To get their shit together as fast as they could.

So they were really obnoxious about trying to figure us/them out. Maybe that wasn't bad, but it was tiring. They'd never asked me about things before. I only ever pushed if i had a solution that they were trying to ignore. And then they started asking me questions i had no answer to.

Like who am I? Do i actually have any connection to Odin? Who is fox? What about the rest? Are we just part of them? Were we always here? If we formed at some point, why? Was it coping bc of ralphs shit? Was it coping because they were lonely?

I was always pertty sure the answer to the last question was no, considering we couldn't help when they'd have needed us for lonelyness reasons. For everything else though, i didn't know, and i didn't know how to find out. And i had to say that.

I hate that.

Fox was the first to... come into themself properly. They were really lonely. Even before the break up. They needed to talk to people as them. They didn't want to talk as roan because they wanted someone to care about then. And... especially when they felt like Trixter didn't really?

Even though they weren't going to try to die neccessarily... they probably essentially would have if roan had taken too long to let fox talk to people. They didn't, obviously.

I am actually quite... happy. With how roan handled themself after the breakup. I tried not to coach them unelss they needed me to. And it turned out i didn't need to.

But to the point, they pretty much immediately encouraged fox to talk to people on discord with their own avatar and name.

With time, as fox came into themself more, they started coming out and doing things. Which, as it happens, they love doing. So they did it alot.

During this time, roan was engaging with all of us more. They asked us all to come out at some point.

It took a while for each of us to come into ourselves. Arguably, we still are. Perhaps life and i more than the others, at least when it comes to physically existing.

I do think roan could have lived their entire life, even having stopped trying to ignore us, as seeing us as just... sort of estranged parts of themself. And i don't know that they would have been incorrect to do so.

Lifes idea of... well... life makes sense to me. I think its plausible that whatever makes us up is a part of roan. I dont think everyone has... other... living persons (or whatever) as part of them. And i think many that do may simply never experience a sequence of events tbat would arouse those parts into.... more consciousness.

And outside of simple conscience, developing something as... intricate as a personality? Or, maybe not even developing but... rebooting? Remembering isnt quite right but i don't know a word that fits quite right.

I don't know that that could have ever happened without having space for us to physically exist and interact with, even if its confined mostly to one house and constricted time wise, it still feels like that was important.

I think... ill go back over that list of questions. And answer what i can, as well as i can, now.

Who am I? I'm Third.

Do i actually have any connection to Odin? I still hate not knowing and not knowing how to find out...

Who is fox? An entirely too loveable idiot.

What about the rest? Well Chains a cunt. Life is strange, not in a bad way, but they are perhaps the least developed (perhaps B is but i dont want to delve into them) and they are... elusive at times.

Are we just part of them? Hmm... perhaps. But i wouldn't say just part of them. I don't think it is as simple as Same or Other, and especially not in the past, even just a handfull of months ago. But now, certainly, we each are ourself, and i still would say that in a way we are part of them. Not because we are them, though.

Were we always here? I think so. I dont know for sure, but i believe our... essense was. Though perhaps our conscienceness had to be woken.

If we formed at some point, why? Was it coping bc of ralphs shit? I think coping with that could easily have been the catalyst for waking us. I can't say for sure, though.

Was it coping because they were lonely? Still probably not.

And finally i want to address that roan has always said i felt different from the others. That it is easier for me to conceal my thoughts and feelings in their entirety from the rest. I do not know why this is. I have thoughts, but none i am confident enough in to state here.

#08:54 #9-21-20 #for posterity