#en ee way pray i get into my phd program so i can take all this energy & direct it elsewhere skdjgh

[madefate-a]

the big headspace meta. | shiro & trauma psychopathology. 

> the big character meta. 

> quick & dirty key points guide. 

okay ! after the better part of a year, it’s here: the Big Meta on what, exactly*, is going on in shiro’s head. asterisk on exactly for a few reasons, the largest being that psychology is not so black and white as to have a simple plug and play causality chain. there are certainly touchstones in terms of diagnoses, and it can be incredibly helpful to have these guideposts in terms of understanding why and how changes in the body and mind occur, but the way those diagnoses present are different in every single person, and no one label ( or multiple labels ) is a definitive way to understand or categorize someone. with comorbidity at play, there are multiple axes at work in the human response to any trauma. and, well, it’s a show about space magic. so we need a little wiggle room.

and, of course, I am in no way a professional. this meta is merely meant to more fully flesh out some of the whys and whats of shiro’s mental state, behavior, and reactions to things. some of these I do try to weave into my portrayal, for the sake of healing and realism, while many others might be true but not a facet of what we see under most circumstances. I will attempt to source my information wherever I can, but please know that psychology is not my area of academia and don’t have access to scholarly / peer reviewed sources, nor necessarily the ability to understand denser medical material. I will be avoiding the DSM, though, because fuck the DSM. 

time for some trigger warnings. below the cut, there’s going to be discussion of the arena, which includes captivity / enslavement, death, injury, medical experimentation, memory loss, loss of agency / consent, and everything that goes along with that setting and time period. I don’t intend to be gratuitous, extremely vivid, nor darker or more brutal than what we can reasonably extrapolate from the s1 / s2 show, with a few things cherry picked from seasons 3 & 6. ( where we cultivated a better understanding of haggar’s abilities and motivations. sort of. ) there will also be discussion of trauma psychology, including PTSD and CPTSD, sensory deprivation / isolation ( as in: the void ), body dysphoria, disordered self images, and mourning. what there will not be is condoning of using mental illness as a way of othering or dehumanizing people, or otherwise proving some kind of inability / incapability. 

ultimately, my goal is to simply better understand shiro -- not to create and in and out box of if this, then that, but simply to understand how circumstance and trauma inform behavior, and then how to use this knowledge for a character arc full of Healing and the reclamation of agency. 

so, here we go !! 

PTSD & CPTSD: a brief overview

the easiest place to start is the most salient: PTSD. it is not necessarily textual to the show canon* ( *which, of course, I always take very lightly ) as in, it is not said out loud. however, it is clearly portrayed in the visual narrative with some of the more recognizable symptoms: flashbacks, freezing ( ep o2 ) and frightening thoughts ( ep o9 ). tellingly, without the ability to avoid reminders of traumatic sites, these symptoms are often triggered under those conditions ( galra battleships, fights that mimic arena experiences ). 

newer then PTSD in the field of trauma psychology ( originating in 1992 ) is the idea of Complex PTSD, or CPTSD. CPTSD is a way to explore the changes that occur in individuals in situations of captivity, prolonged trauma ( as opposed to single-event ), or otherwise loss of agency. at the current time, CPTSD is diagnosed with a cluster of symptoms, and is often associated with abuse in childhood. still, there are some symptoms within these clusters that affect shiro, both on their own and as they overlap with PTSD. 

which we’ll get into, right after we figure out where this all starts ! so -- 

the traumas. 

it starts with the galra. 

sort of. but we’ll touch briefly on that later. for all intents and purposes, shiro’s trauma is courtesy of the galra. thanks, sendak. I’ve done some work fleshing out the arena between HCs and writing, so you can check out some of that: 

the arena, pt 1.  

gotta lose that arm.  

the champion.  

nightmares after the resurrection.  

aftermath of that arm. 

the black lion. 

body basics. 

as a fighter, and a leader, you bring hope. 

the big character meta 

the shorter character meta 

but we do need to run down a few of the things that are relevant to symptom presentation. during shiro’s time there, he experienced both single and repeated instances of trauma, and while they both contributed to the overall environment of that year, it’s important to understand that while some things were chronic, others were not. 

single-instance experiences 

separation from the holts 

loss of his arm 

chronic / repeated experiences 

loss of freedom of movement 

untreated injuries 

restraints 

physical / life threatening danger 

need for self protection 

forced performance ( both in the arena and as an act of self preservation around guards ) 

semi repeated experiences 

helplessness to touch ( haggar, most saliently ) 

interrogation ( initial, as well as a few sessions of haggar’s memory extraction ) 

killing ( many fights, but not all, end in victory or death ) 

nonconsensual anesthetization ( with the galra, and at the garrison upon his return ) 

medical experimentation & examination ( most of it for information gathering purposes ) 

conditioning to believe that he would become a weapon / attempts to sway him to the galra without brainwashing ( see fic linked above ) 

this is where the overlap between PTSD and CPTSD comes largely into play -- it would be impossible, and unnecessary, to try to draw direct lines between experiences and the consequences of those experiences. rather, it’s far better to look at how all of these contributed to a certain environment or mentality: 

everpresent danger / no one to trust 

loss of choice and agency 

conditioning to use power in a specific, and deadly, way 

we know that shiro did not lose himself entirely. from the flashbacks to his escape, we know that o1. ) shiro fought for his freedom until the very end, and was never swayed to compliance by haggar or any druid / galra, and o2. ) that he exhibited qualities that made him a symbol of hope. this cannot be accomplished if he behaved in accordance to haggar’s designs and lost himself to rage or following orders. this is important! because resistance and a desire to retain a sense of self and purpose are through lines that follow him long past the arena, and are what allowed him to keep as much clarity and focus as possible. this quality, in fact, is what allows him to hold any semblance of trust in others after he escapes -- trust that he gives to allura, keith, and the black lion. which brings us to the other major event that we need to consider -- 

let’s talk about death. briefly. 

here’s a perfect example of where the lines of mental health blur and overlap: some of the reactions he has are a result of the combination between putting his faith in the black lion and team voltron, and dying in the process. this is going to be a brief section -- mostly because there’s a more Descriptive and Creative and Prettily Worded fic coming dealing with the specifics of Life in V*ltron’s Void. but we do need to touch on the mental and physical trauma of losing his body and existing in the void and -- yes, yes it can spiral into a much larger, longer topic. I’ll try my best to compress! 

part one: the reckoning. 

there’s really no getting around how scarring it is to know that your body has been destroyed. that single instance, though, is processed much, much later than it occurs. that’s because in the void, he couldn’t physically react to the knowledge -- with no heart or nervous system, shiro could not properly process nor react to the loss of his body. it was more learned and known than felt, which in and of itself makes the process more difficult than it might be otherwise. ( might be -- we’ll never know for sure. ) the loss of his body will come into larger play down the line when he is dealing with issues of his body, as well as understanding and mourning kuron. 

part two: the physical. 

shiro spends the better part of the year with no physical body, and no sensations. none of this registers in the void, because that is the nature of the void, but as strange as time feels there, he absolutely feels this when he is brought back. this will get touched on in the latter half of the meta, but it’s important to know that everything is delayed, distorted, and simply not felt in the void. 

part three: the mental. 

as the forbidden season tells us, every moment in the void was a struggle to stay conscious. this fluctuated, depending on shiro’s mental strength, as well as what was happening around himself. he spent every conscious moment trying to reach any of the paladins -- keith or kuron particularly, as they were the ones piloting black and, thus, had a better chance of hearing or sensing him. his best opportunities for someone to hear him came when v*ltron was formed and all the paladins occupied the same physical and mental space. losing the connection he almost formed with lance informs much of shiro’s actions after he is restored. it was proof that his emotional isolation might have been the reason that he was unable to connect with the others, and spurs him to be more open down the road, lest the consequences turn deadly again. 

the smaller instances: fighting with haggar, his family, illness 

another important thing to note that there are other contributing factors at play. his fight with haggar after rescuing allura provides a visual motif that he cannot unsee: himself, irrevocably stained in the darkness of her magic, looking ruthless and deadly. it is a large contributing factor to the shape his self image issues take. 

also, let’s talk about the few things that began to shape his mental landscape before the galra: the loss of his parents at age 18 and the diagnosis of his illness at 19*. I go more in depth into the illness in the big character meta, so check it out if you like, and both of these are my own, personal headcanons since we received no ages on either from the Powers That Be. ( truth be told, I wasn’t expecting him to deal with so much shit -- I placed these timeline events when he was older to try to mitigate the angst. incredible. ) both of these contributed to being confronted with helplessness or loss of control over his life, as well as a heightened sense of responsibility that found an opportunity to fester when he began to blame himself for the holts’ capture, in any attempt to restore agency*. ( *but we’ll get to that. ) 

the symptoms. 

getting back to PTSD and CPTSD. 

oh yes, that good, good full circle-ness. so we’ve arrived back at the start, but knowing that all of this is less than a line of dominoes than it is a spiderweb, with different strands sometimes tugging the same things. let’s lay out the symptoms that shiro is dealing, all to different degrees and at different frequencies: 

PTSD 

Intrusive Memories, which include: 

Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event

Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)

Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event

Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event

Avoidance, which includes: 

Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event 

Negative Changes in Thinking and Mood, which includes: 

Negative thoughts about yourself 

Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event 

Feeling detached from family and friends 

Changes in Physical and Emotional Reactions, which include: 

Always being on guard for danger

Trouble sleeping

Trouble concentrating

Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior

Overwhelming guilt or shame

Misc. / Specific 

Difficulty being physically vulnerable -- ie, without armor or unable to see where exits might be 

The trigger of being restrained / someone unexpectedly grabbing or holding his chin / face in place -- this is something haggar would do 

Symptom list courtesy of mayoclinic -- if you peruse, you’ll notice that he does not exhibit every symptom of PTSD. 

CPTSD 

CPTSD is less extensive than PTSD, and, in shiro’s case, secondary to PTSD, as many CPTSD symptoms are fostered in childhood, as the direct result of the violation of trust in guardians or authority figures. Shiro’s symptoms include clusters: 

alterations in attention or consciousness 

alterations in self-perception 

and specifics: 

Changes in emotional regulation, such as dysphoria, as well as changing expressions of anger ( inhibited, and explosive ) 

Episodes of depersonalization 

A sense of being different from all other human beings 

A sense of defilement or stigma ( irrevocably stained ) 

A belief that no one can understand ( “they don’t know what you know” ) 

A feeling of a non-human identity ( sometimes slips and thinks of himself as a robeast or weapon ) 

*** An inflated sense of responsibility. Shiro uses responsibility as a way to feel that he has some semblance of control over himself and the world around him. 

for this one, I did reference the wiki -- apologies, the more trustworthy sources are behind paywalls! 

Sensory Issues 

The sensory issues largely come from his time in the void. I break it down a little more thoroughly >> here << so if you want to, check that out. Essentially, he has phases after his restoration to a body, immediate issues and lasting ones. 

immediate issues ( the roadtrip home timeline ) 

a lack of energy, which manifests as inability to participate in longer conversations / conversations with more than one or two other people, frequent naps, and listlessness that comes with feeling heavy in a physical body 

attention issues, which manifest in difficulty holding long conversations 

overstimulation, which manifests in shiro being very physically sensitive to all senses: touch, sight / light, sound, smell, and taste. 

lack of appetite, which is mostly due to the fact that he has to get used to eating again. 

lasting issues 

intermittent tiredness -- he naps much less frequently the stronger he gets, but he never quite gets to where he used to be in that regard. 

openness -- shiro gets a lot more emotionally open with people; terrified by being stuck in a realm with no exit and how he failed to connect with any of the paladins, he is less likely to be closed off entirely the way he was previously 

a fear of being lost / not being heard -- both in waking hours and in sleep, shiro gains a persistent fear of no one knowing where he is, or otherwise not being heard or seen 

dysphoria -- shiro struggles greatly with being in kuron’s body 

his nightmares change after the void -- they become a combination of scattered memories from kuron, as well as nightmares of drowning or not being heard when he yells. he also wakes up from them differently; before the void, he used to wake silently. now he might physically roll out of bed, choke, or touch himself in some way ( press a hand to his chest, or splay his hand around his throat ) 

What Doesn’t Change 

everything, basically. 

yes !! I just wrote up an embarrassingly long meta on shiro’s trauma and how it affects him. but at the end of the day, shiro is still shiro. he loses none of his ambition, drive, humor, optimism, hopefulness, compassion, or sense of fun and adventure. he is not afraid of space, the front lines, or giving his all to keep the earth safe. no matter the severity of his symptoms on any given day, he is still a decisive leader, empathetic and supportive, and still holds seeing the world, and the universe, as his dream. 

none of what he has gone through or deals with now defines him. it merely explains some of his behaviors and gives him a tangible place to start on his journey to healing. 

#( shiro. ) #( shiro hc. ) #( the big metas. ) #do not reblog / #trigger list above the cut #holy shit guys!!!! holy SHIT !!!!!!!! #ive been working on this for MONTHS !!!! ITS DONE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #honestly i SHOULD be embarrassed at the sheer amt of content ive produced but like ..... im not ..... #en ee way pray i get into my phd program so i can take all this energy & direct it elsewhere skdjgh