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bratkook · 3 years

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like you used to. jjk

“So kill me like you used to...”

part two.

pairing. ex boyfriend!jungkook x reader genre. angst, mentions of smut, toxic exes warnings. very toxic depictions of relationships, hints at infidelity, drunken mistakes, they’re both very toxic for each other and just can’t stay away, brief mentions of smut word count. 2.9k note. this is just a lump of angst that my mind conjured at 1am last night, i just love angst and messy relationships that are destined to fail 😌(its not edited so if u see a typo no u dont)

It always started with a phone call.

Whether it was from you or him always changed. Sometimes he’d get the call at two in the morning, vision blurry as he brought the phone to his face and saw your name illuminated on the screen, that old goofy selfie you had together still set as your contact photo. He’d hesitate for a moment just to keep you on your toes before pressing accept, already getting up and putting pants on because he knew just what you were calling for.

Tonight was your turn to be on the receiving end, laying in bed comfortably as you scrolled through random posts to try to help you sleep, the flash of his face fills your phone, it’s a random close up photo of his eyes staring right into the camera, crinkled up in a smile. Even though his name is changed in your contacts, no longer having the cute bunny emoji tacked to the end, you know you’ll still pick up in a heartbeat. And you do.

The second you press accept you’re met with the familiar sound of his voice, slurred and thick as he speaks so jumbled up you would barely be able to understand him if you didn’t already know what he was saying. It was the same things he always said whenever he got like this, proclamations of love that only cut up your freshly scabbed over wounds, salt rubbing into them when he cries about how he misses you, promises to change.

They get cut off when the phone is yanked away from his grasp, the second familiar voice belonging to his buddy Yugyeom now speaking into the receiver. “You gotta pick him up Y/N.”

The annoyance is evident in his voice, the babbling of Jungkook still heard in the background along with the dull beat of whatever place they were outside of.

“He’s not my responsibility Yugyeom.”

He simply sighs into the phone, staring at his mess of a friend before rubbing his jaw, sore and aching from where he had just been socked after attempting to force him into an uber. “Yeah well he won’t let anyone else take him home, he’s drunk as fuck. I’ll send you the location.”

Not waiting for a response he hangs up and sends you a pin of where they’re at, thrusting the phone back into his friend’s hands before getting into that uber and leaving Jungkook alone while he whines against the dirty bar wall, crouching down onto the filthy sidewalk as the car drove off.

Yugyeom knew you would come to his rescue like you always did, never once saying no and letting Jungkook fend for himself because on the rare occasions where you’d call him drunk and crying he’d do the same.

Getting into the car still dressed in your pajamas, shoes thrown on without being laced up, hair still messy, it felt like routine now from how often it happened. Jungkook called you sober, text you while in a sane state of mind, but without fail at least once a month he’d get absolutely shit faced and call you, leaving you what he thought were heartfelt voicemails if by some chance you didn’t answer.

It was the same bar every time, a bar you used to frequent with him, knowing the location and all the small side streets to get you there without needing directions. Doing this felt like such a normal part of your life it almost made you forget that you and Jungkook weren’t together anymore. It’s been a year since you split and you still find yourself thinking if things could be different.

Would it have been best if you never confessed to each other, never admitted to the small inkling of a crush before it was able to fully blossom? It was hard not to wonder how different life would be now if you had walked away the first time things went south, if he had walked away after the first argument.

Whenever he called you, pulled you in with those drunken promises it was easy to convince yourself that your relationship was perfect, that it was worth all of the struggles. Your brain morphed each fight, each time you cried alone, twisted it around and molded it to make it easier to consume, easier to believe you were meant to be.

You thought you were soulmates, and maybe you were, two people destined to be together, meeting at the wrong time, under the wrong circumstances. What was meant to be perfect puzzle pieces connected had slowly turned into jagged edges that no longer clicked regardless of how hard you tried to jam them together, foolishly thinking you could spill your love into the gaps to mend the spaces, making the pieces whole once more.

Love was never enough.

Love made you stupid, made you blind and gullible, smiling through lies to avoid arguments, going to bed angry until he was hovering over you, coaxing you into forgiveness with soft kisses and gentle touches. It always went this way, regardless of who’s fault it was without fail he’d end up slot between your legs, the only time the puzzle pieces connected perfectly, allowing him to fuck you as if he’d never see you again. Murmurs of love and adoration were passed between panting breaths, sloppy kisses, shared moans to mask the empty promises you made every time.

Staying away from each other was a hard habit to kick, the two of you stuck on an endless game of seesaw, neither of you having the guts to get off and move on. All it took was a simple drunk phone call for you to go his way, the slur of his voice as he cries into the receiver about how much he loved you, missed you, needed you next to him, wanted to try again. It reeled you in so easily, winding you up until you were hauling your sloppy ex boyfriend off the dirty floor and into your small car.

He remembers none of this, he never did, not fully anyways. Small tidbits of words he said flash in his mind as he comes to, drool on his cheek and neck sore from the unfortunate position he had slept in, groggy and unaware of his surroundings.

He knew your apartment too well, recognized the green wall he had helped you paint, now holding endless pictures of you and your friends. None of Jungkook anymore.

All of those photos were gone now, not burned or shredded in some ritual to get over him, simply tucked into a box and shoved so far into your closet you hoped you would forget it. You never did of course, the way the box laid dust free made it clear how often you pulled it out and sorted through the photos whenever you had too much wine, whenever you had off days where you just felt so alone and wished you could go back to the times you had convinced yourself were better. They weren’t, you knew they weren’t once you sobered up and balanced out your emotions.

Jungkook doesn’t feel bothered that not a trace of him remained visible in your home, he knew his presence lingered in the cracks, buried so deep in the crevices of your mind he knew you would always think of him.

He groans softly as his eyes roam the interior of your home, the throbbing in his temples making him stop and shut his lids, not needing to analyze the place he was at less than two weeks ago when you had called him over. Jungkook briefly wonders if he should sneak his way out, not used to waking up on the couch instead of in your bed right beside you, maybe he had said something last night that crossed the line and landed him on the couch as a punishment.

As you finally emerge from your room his plan of escape is put to a stop, his eyes gravitating towards your bedroom door, seeing the way you cautiously step out. Having heard Jungkook wake up since you had already been awake for the past hour, your body not allowing you to sleep while knowing he was in the other room, it took a few minutes of courage before you were able to face him.

Spotting him on your couch shows how much he doesn’t belong, the pinned leather jacket he wore looking so harsh against the light coloring of your furniture, his dark disheveled hair contrasting with the tidy way you organized your apartment. He senses it, the skin crawling sensation that spreads the longer you stare at him, how he felt so out of place somewhere he used to call home at one point.

“Thank you for picking me up.” He chooses to break the silence, voice raspy, his internal self screaming at him for always doing this. His eyes are sincere, genuinely meaning it, knowing just how messy he got when he had too much to drink, how his friends could never handle him when he crossed the line and began to call for you.

Like always his words were routine so he expects it when you huff and say, “You need better friends Jungkook.”

“I know.” Because he did, he knew his friends enabled him, riled him up and once he became too much they pushed him onto you, knowing Jungkook’s grip on you was still too strong for you to ever say no.

“What if I hadn’t picked you up? Would they have left you on the side of the bar to fend for yourself?”

“Probably,” he shrugs, from past experiences he knows very well they would have. His friends had dealt with Jungkook crying over you far too much, their patience fully stamped out, no longer able to tolerate him when he became like this.

Not even realizing when he begins to smile as he thought of the nights you didn’t pick up, how he had ended up in the most random locations because he refused to go home to a place you weren’t, he snaps out of it when you scoff. “It’s not funny Jungkook, you could have gotten hurt or something.”

There it was, the reason you were upset. Not because he had called you and spewed the same bullshit he always did, no that you could tolerate. You were upset, and worried, that you’d get a following call from someone stating he had injured himself while calling for you.

“I know.”

You pause to breathe, his short responses not irking you like it should, arms crossed over your chest as you observe your ex boyfriend still sitting on the couch, looking like a scolded child.

“You can’t call me anymore Jungkook.” How you have the nerve to say that to him is funny, acting as if ten days ago you weren’t the one doing this to him, telling him you missed him, securing your anchor around his foot and dragging him back under with you.

This is the checklist you needed to go down, a formality of the morning after so he doesn’t mind it. Instead he frowns at the way you continue to say his name, the way it rolls off your tongue makes him wince, missing the way you’d call him Kookie, playful pet names like Bunny, something he swore he hated but secretly loved. Jungkook wished he could hear you say it again, humor you with that damned bunny eared headband he’d wear to hear you laugh, squeal as he posed and dance for whatever silly video you recorded as you shouted out the ridiculous nickname.

The last time he heard those words spill out of your mouth had been too long ago.

“I’m sorry.” he admits, he knew he had to stop, couldn’t continue to hold onto the past, knowing how wrong you were for each other but he wasn’t the only one. Those were the same words you told him ten days ago, apologizing with guilty eyes for asking him to come over when you were lonely, needing a familiar body to occupy the space next to you, wanting his hands to soothe you, make you feel whole again just for a night.

Once the sun came up it was back to normal, the two of you having the repeat conversation you had every time, the exact one you were having now. A formality. Nothing more, just mindless words that you would both agree to just to move along, to make you both feel better, more secure with yourself until the next time the phone rang.

Your heart twists in your chest as you look at him, the same toxic love you had for him brewing in your heart, spilling over and burning you but you ignore the pain, convince yourself you don’t feel it as you breathe in. That same rope latches around Jungkook’s ankle as you avert your eyes for a brief second before looking back at him with a small sigh. “Do you want breakfast? I know how you get when you have a hangover.”

He smiles for the first time, charming as always, looking up at you through the subtle waves in his hair. “I probably shouldn’t.”

You know this. He definitely shouldn’t because breakfast will turn into words exchanged, civil at first, flirty the next, a coin flipped to decide if a petty argument would begin or if you’d reminisce about the good times. Regardless of the outcome, what always followed ended with you moaning out his name as he rocked into you, those same empty promises spilling through his lips that you swallowed with a kiss.

A brief moment of bliss, a small dose of the past that only serves to hurt you further but you crave it, loving the small rush that came with arguing, the roughness of his hands as he pushed you around before sliding home, burying his face into your neck as he broke you down all over again.

Normally you’d try to convince him further, but as your mouth opens to protest you get flashes of the night before, how you had carried Jungkook up your flight of stairs, hearing him ramble about nonsense so slurred together you paid it no mind. You would have had him sleep in your bed beside you like you always did but when you fish his phone out and begin to slide his jacket off it buzzes to life.

Always being nosey you type in his password, smiling when you realize it was still your old anniversary but when you unlock it and see a flood of messages from a girl named Natalie, calling him babe, asking where he was, the smile falls from your face as you start to snoop.

It doesn’t take much scrolling through their thread of messages to easily discover she was his girlfriend, blissfully unaware that he was shit faced and calling you, confessing to his love for you while she laid at home and wondered if he was having fun with his friends. She reminded you of yourself, of the way you used to be with him and it left a sour feeling on your tongue.

“Yeah you probably shouldn’t.”

He stands up now, following you slowly as you approach the door, heavy boots thumping on the hardwood as he reluctantly steps closer to the exit. He doesn’t want to leave, wants you to try to convince him to stay, not knowing that you knew the dirty secret he was hiding buried in his phone.

You don’t decide to tell him you know, it was pointless. That was just how Jungkook was wired, so much love to give he had to spread it out, give everyone a fair share of it, choosing to pretend he wasn’t being selfish. It was naive to believe it, to think all the love he held was strictly for you, it was why he was able to pull the hood over your eyes so easily.

Even when you pull the door open and give him a tightlipped smile he knows you’ll still call him, forget all about Natalie when you’re lonely once more. So when you look him in the eyes and sigh, “Goodbye Jungkook.” He knows it’s not for long, maybe a week or so, maybe less.

He simply smiles, stuffing his hands into his jeans as he shuffles out, turning to face you as he steps backwards. “See you later Y/N.” And his words sting in a way he doesn’t mean, knowing just how right he was.

Jungkook would never mind how heavy the anchor you hooked on his ankle was because he knew you would forever be a sucker for him.

As you shut the door behind you it feels like a small weight starts to hang from your shoulders, the same tug starting from your chest, guiding you into your room until you’re pulling out the cursed box and sorting through those damned photos. With stinging eyes you flip through them for a moment, focusing on all the laughs captured on film, blurry vision moving to your phone beside you, hands already itching to call him again.

It’s as if he knows, still inside your building, lingering in the lobby to give you a moment and it doesn’t take long. Once his phone starts to vibrate he smiles, staring at the photo of you as you call him like clockwork. With a clear of his throat he answers the phone, barely saying hello before he hears a small sniffle through the speaker.

“I miss you Kookie.”

Jungkook lets his eyes shut as he presses the elevator button, loving the feeling of being needed by you, already knowing to head back up because this was routine.

“I know you do baby, I’ll be right up.”

And just like that you’re once again desperately trying to make those stupid puzzle pieces fit together, hoping that maybe this time love would be enough.

#ficswithluv #goldenclosetnet #heartsforbts #btsghostie #btswritingcafe #jungkook smut #jungkook angst #bts smut #bts angst #jeon jungkook #new

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inyournightmares97 · 5 years

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My Youth (Chapter 10)

Broken and miserable, Park Jinyoung returns to his hometown to learn that no matter how hard he falls, there are still people who think he’s a hero.

Warnings: Angst, slow build, maybe some language. (Please don’t ask when I’ll update. Wait until the series is finished to read if you’re impatient. I mean this. Don’t. Seriously.) Also this is UNEDITED, I’ll edit after my exam tomorrow.

Word Count: 9.8k (Fuck this one chapter is the size of a whole fic, kill me)

(Can’t put links to the other parts here, please check my Masterlist/the reblog for the Prologue and previous chapters)

When Jinyoung opened his eyes in the morning, there was a large figure looming over his bed.

He jerked up in horror while the person standing above him slowly came into focus. It was Jackson Wang. The gym teacher was wearing a tracksuit and had a despicable grin on his handsome face.

“What the fuck, Jackson. Who let you in here?”

“Your mother,” Jackson replied with a cheerful grin. He tugged on Jinyoung’s blanket impatiently. “I was out for my morning run and your Mom invited me in for a cup of coffee. You look like you could use some exercise. Let’s go for a run.”

Jinyoung groaned and pulled his blanket back up. “No. Go away.”

“Are you mad at me about the other night? I probably should have kept my mouth shut about what happened that Christmas, right?” Jackson rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Sorry. I get a little talkative when I drink. I’ll make it up to you! How about that run?”

Jinyoung sighed and sat up while rubbing his eyes sleepily. There was no way Jackson was going to let him go back to bed now. He blinked up at his childhood friend. “There are reporters hovering around everywhere. They might follow us.”

“That’s why we run, genius,” Jackson replied enthusiastically. “We’ll sneak out the back. Come on. Most of them are asleep in their cars, I already checked. It’s only six am.”

Six am? Fuck.

Fighting Jackson Wang required more energy than simply giving in to him. Jinyoung reluctantly yanked himself out of bed and changed into a pair of track pants. Maybe some exercise wasn’t a bad idea. He trudged downstairs expecting to see Yugyeom fast asleep on the couch again, but the couch was empty and his mother was alone in the living room.

“Where’s Yugyeom?” Jinyoung wondered.

Mrs. Park smiled. “Oh, good morning, dear. Yugyeom seems to have left early this morning. He probably had something to take care of at the police station. Jin-ah left without a word too. I checked the guest room and it’s empty. Even her belongings are gone.”

Jinyoung raised an eyebrow. “Huh. She must have been in a hurry to get back to her father.”

“It seems so. Do you want a cup of coffee?”

“Maybe after my run. Jackson is waiting outside.”

“I’ll have breakfast ready for when you’re back!”

Jinyoung headed out the back door to meet Jackson and the two men jumped the neighbour's hedge and escaped halfway down the street without any reporters spotting them. Once they were safely out of sight and jogging down the adjacent street, Jinyoung felt himself relax. The early morning weather was cool and refreshing. Winter was fast approaching but the worst of the cold hadn’t set in yet. There was a certain crispness to the air.

“Don’t you have work today?” Jinyoung wondered out loud as they passed the elementary school. It was silent and deserted. It felt odd to see the usually bright building in the gloomy light of dawn.

“Yeah, but I don’t have any classes on Monday mornings so I just walk in about mid-morning and nobody really says anything,” Jackson explained cheerfully. He saw how Jinyoung raised an eyebrow at him and pouted. “What? It’s not like my classes require extensive planning. We pick a sport every month, toss a ball at the kids and make sure that they don’t claw each other’s eyes out. It’s not rocket science.”

Jinyoung frowned. “Yeah, but what if the kids get hurt?”

“Kids get hurt all the time, Jinyoung,” Jackson replied dismissively. “What seven-year old doesn’t have scabs all over his knees and elbows? We did plenty of dangerous stuff when we were that age too. Getting hurt and healing means you’re learning. As long as you haven’t damaged anything permanently, it’s fine.”

Jinyoung blinked. “Huh.”

“What?”

“Can’t remember the last time I hurt myself,” Jinyoung admitted quietly. “When I was a kid, I had so many cuts and bruises all over me that I wasn’t even sure how I’d gotten all of them. My mom kept special Pokemon bandaids in the kitchen drawer to placate me. How did we keep managing to hurt ourselves so much? ”

“To be fair, most of your bruises were probably caused by me,” Jackson said with a grin.

“They probably were, you shit. You kept trying to fight me.”

“Okay, but let’s be honest. Do you remember after you climbed the oak tree and your hands were scratched up? Miss First Grade literally fed you lunch for two weeks after that. I was there. I saw it happen.”

Jinyoung couldn’t help it; he grinned and turned to his friend.

“Why do you even remember that?”

Jackson cleared his throat. “I may have been jealous.”

“Seriously?”

“It’s a small town, man, we didn’t have that many girls around! You crush on whoever’s in front of you. Aeri didn’t move here until middle school, remember?”

Jinyoung frowned. “Huh.”

Jackson laughed and playfully reached out to punch Jinyoung on the shoulder. “Dude! Don’t tell me you’re mad because I had a crush on your girl when I was seven! You had plenty of chances to tell her about your feelings but you could never do it. It’s nobody’s fault but yours.”

Jinyoung felt his heart drop. “I guess that’s true.”

“But you had dreams to chase,” Jackson pointed out with a reassuring smile. “We can’t have everything, right? Life is full of choices, man. We all struggle to let go of whatever we we gave up. Every choice you make has a price.”

Jinyoung looked at Jackson for a long moment. He had never bothered to ask what choices Jackson had made that he might have regretted. He had never bothered to ask anyone, really. Perhaps that was the problem. Perhaps Jinyoung was too wrapped up in himself to understand that everyone had their share of problems.

Everyone has something they’re not satisfied with.

If Jinyoung had realized that before, he could have helped you ten years ago.

“What did you give up?” Jinyoung asked suddenly.

“Huh?”

“What did you give up, Jackson? What choices did you make?”

Jackson’s smile dropped. He stopped running and leaned against the railing of the bridge to catch his breath. When he looked up again, there was a more serious expression on his face.

“Promise you won’t tell Aeri.”

“Of course.”

“I had a friend who asked me to come join the gym he was setting up as a trainer. It’s far away; a city that takes at least five hours to get to by train but it was amazing money. I was going to go and work there for a year to help save up when Aeri suddenly sprung on me that she was pregnant.”

Jinyoung folded his arms across his chest. “Oh.”

“She was so excited about having the kid and raising it together, I just couldn’t tell her I was thinking about leaving for work. I turned it down.”

“Was the job at the gym something you really wanted to do?”

Jackson laughed humorlessly. “It’s not a question of whether I wanted to do it. Raising a kid is expensive. I don’t earn that much at the school. Aeri’s coffee shop hasn’t made proper profit in a while. She can’t let go of it because her father used to run it before he died.”

Jinyoung swallowed. He didn’t know what to say. He had never struggled to earn money but he supposed it was foolish to assume that Jackson had never been in a few tight spots. He suddenly felt small. Next to the pressure of having to make enough money to support a newborn baby, Jinyoung’s own problems suddenly felt selfish.

He simply cleared his throat and nodded.

“I’m sorry.”

Jackson smiled. “What for? I’d rather stay here to raise my baby girl anyway.”

“Is it that great?” Jinyoung wondered.

“Family? It’s awesome. You should try it sometime,” Jackson said as he began to resume jogging down the bridge. He gave Jinyoung a cheeky grin. “I can think of a first grade teacher who might be up to the task.”

Jinyoung flushed. “Oh?”

“Yeah. You could find a million reasons to hold back, Jinyoung, but you only need one solid reason to keep going. Most of the time that reason is the people that love you.”

“Is that enough? What if it doesn’t work?”

Jackson shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m no expert on how to live life. We all just do whatever we think will make us as happy as possible. There’s no point trying to find some secret formula. Noody can ever predict how things will turn out. Come on. I’ll race you to that lamp post!”

As Park Jinyoung struggled to keep up with Jackson’s fast pace and the small streets and modest front lawns passed by him, he had a sinking realization.

The day the world stops making sense to you is the day you stop being a child.

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Jackson Wang’s apartment was a mess, but something about it was filled with life. Jinyoung smiled at the sight of the half-built baby cradle right in the middle of the living room and the sofa piled with all sorts of baby things; feeding bottles, blankets and little baby outfits still in their wrappers. There was nowhere to even sit.

“Sorry about all the mess. You can just shove stuff aside to make space,” Jackson said lightly as he headed into the kitchen. “We’re trying to prepare for the baby so we’re buying stuff and fixing up the nursery whenever we can.”

“A tiny baby needs all these things?” Jinyoung wondered.

“I know, right? It’s insane.” Jackson replied with a sigh. He reached onto the shelves to grab some protein powder and plugged in a blender. “Still, the little baby shoes are fucking adorable. I hold them in my hand and stare at them whenever I feel like giving up. It lifts my mood instantly.”

Jinyoung picked up a pair of baby shoes lying on the armchair and grinned. They still had the tags on them but the soft little things were smaller than his palm and an adorable shade of light purple. He couldn’t even picture how tiny a foot would have to be to fit into it. Just as he was about to put them down the bedroom door opened and Aeri stepped out. Her large baby bump preceded her and she had one hand on her back to steady herself.

“Jackson!” she called out tiredly. “Jackson, are you back from your run-oh. Jinyoung? Hi, I didn’t expect to see you here!”

Jinyoung smiled at her awkwardly. “Uh, hi, Aeri. Sorry for intruding-”

“No worries, I’m sure my husband dragged you up here against your will anyway,” Aeri reassured him with a smile. She looked tired but her skin was glowing. She spotted the little baby boots in Jinyoung’s hands and chuckled. “Oh god, all you men are the same. Jackson stares at those little things like they contain the mysteries of the world sometimes.”

Jinyoung bit his lip. “They’re cute. Her feet must be so tiny.”

“They don’t feel so tiny when they’re kicking from the inside. Sorry about the mess, though, you can just shove things aside to make space,” Aeri reassured him before half-waddling over to the kitchen. Jinyoung could see the married couple over the breakfast bar; Aeri went over and gave Jackson a side-hug as he added ingredients to the blender.

“Baby, isn’t there any coffee?” Aeri asked him hopefully.

Jackson frowned at her. “No. You promised you wouldn’t drink any more coffee once you reached your seventh month.”

“There’s a few days left for that still-”

“Nope. No coffee. You can have some of the protein shake I’m making for Jinyoung and me. Go sit down and I’ll bring you some breakfast,” he told her firmly. Aeri pouted. She couldn’t exactly stand behind Jackson because of her baby bump but she snaked one arm around his waist teasingly.

“But baby, the doctor said a small cup every day would be fine-”

“And we both know you’re going to have a cup as soon as you get to the coffee shop, whether you have one here or not. Don’t play games with me. I’m not drinking any coffee either so you can stop trying to persuade me.”

“But it’ll be fine…” Aeri whined.

Jinyoung bit his lip and turned away from the couple, pretending to look at more of the baby shoes. He felt like he was intruding on something extremely private and intimate. Jackson and Aeri were so happy here. They had problems but they got through it together. Their small family, the baby things in the living room and the warm feeling of waking up to someone who wanted to be with you.

For the first time, Jinyoung felt jealousy stir in his stomach.

He wanted this. He wanted a little apartment that was filled with family. He wanted to build a little cradle for the baby and go shopping for baby shoes. He wanted to have stupid arguments over how much coffee should be drunk and whose turn it was to do the dishes. Jinyoung wanted the warmth that he felt in this place, he wanted the comfort and the coziness. He wanted to wake up with someone next to him in bed and have someone to complain about his day to.

Jinyoung wanted all of it and he wanted it with you.

He realized that if he hadn’t spent so much time thinking about himself, and distancing himself from the people that he cared about, and dedicating himself to his ambition… he might have had it by now. He might have had you.

Perhaps, if he had thought a little more about you and not so much about himself then he would have been a happier man.

“Jinyoung! Come taste this shake, it’s amazing!” Jackson called out to him happily. Jinyoung followed him into the kitchen and gratefully accepted the glass of thick liquid that Jackson gave him. Aeri was giving her husband a dirty look but took her own glass as well. “I added banana to it. It’s great for your health, all the ingredients are organic.”

Jinyoung took a sip and winced. “Oh.”

“You like it?”

Aeri sighed. “He looks like he wants to cry. Nobody likes this shake, Jackson.”

Jackson pouted. “But it’s good for you!”

“Okay. I’m going to take this back to bed and you’d better hope that the smell doesn’t make me puke all over your sheets, Jackson Wang,” Aeri scolded him as she grabbed her glass. She turned and smiled at Jinyoung brightly. “It was nice to see you, Jinyoung. You should have dinner with us sometime, it would be great to catch up!”

Jinyoung nodded. “That sounds great.”

Aeri disappeared into the bedroom and Jinyoung and Jackson were left in the kitchen. Jackson picked up his glass and downed half of it in one go before smacking his lips happily. “Ah, this was great. You have no idea how much energy these give you. Especially considering that I need to come back early tonight and finish fixing that fucking cradle.”

Jinyoung smiled. “Let me know if you need any help.”

“Thanks, man. I think I can manage, though. We haven’t bought even half the stuff we need for the nursery. Aeri has a lot of plans but I’m waiting for my next paycheck to come in.”

Jinyoung bit his lip and glanced towards the half-fixed cradle. Then he looked at his friend. “Jackson. You know that if you ever need money or something like that, you just have to say the word, right? We can figure something out.”

Jackson glanced at Jinyoung uncomfortably. “That’s nice of you, man, but Aeri would kill me if I took money from you.”

“What if you did some work for me?”

“Work?”

“Yeah. I have some reporters hanging around my front door that want an interview and it might be nice to have a PR Manager until this whole media storm blows over. You just have to act like a dick whenever they ask me any weird questions and tell them to shut up so that I don’t have to answer them.”

Jackson grinned. “I do enjoy telling people to shut up.”

“Great.”

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When Jinyoung got back home, there was an unexpected guest waiting for him.

Mr. Cha from down the street was in the living room enjoying a cup of tea and he brightened up at the sight of Jinyoung. The older man gestured for Jinyoung to join him eagerly. “Ah, Jinyoung! It’s so nice to see you up and about. Went for a morning jog, eh?”

Jinyoung nodded politely. “Ah, yes…”

“I’m sorry for barging in on you and your mother so early in the morning. I was hoping I could trouble you for some advice,” the old man admitted hesitantly. “You wouldn’t be able to spare a few minutes for me, would you? I would be really grateful.”

“Of course, Mr. Cha. What sort of advice?”

The old man looked a little embarrassed. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Well, you turned out to be right about the little investment plan I told you about at your mother’s birthday party. The insider trading? My friend told me how illegal it was. Truth is, I have a little bit of money set aside after all my retirement expenses and I really want to find a good way to invest it.”

Jinyoung blinked and sat down across from the older man carefully. “Of course. There are lots of perfectly legal ways to invest your money and get good returns, Mr. Cha.”

“I was hoping you could give me a little advice.”

“It depends on what you want to do with the money,” Jinyoung explained patiently. “There are long terms investments; you’d get guaranteed returns at a steady rate but you wouldn’t be able to withdraw the money whenever you pleased, making it illiquid. On the contrary, there are smaller short-term ways to invest. Those are a little risky; you might get excellent returns but you could also end up losing money.”

Mr. Cha stared at him. “Did you just say liquid?”

Jinyoung chuckled. “Liquidity is how easily you can convert the investment back into cash. If you bought a house then it might take you a few months to sell it and get the money, so it’s not very liquid. If you invest in the share market, you can sell the shares any time you wish and get cash in your hands instantly.”

“Ah, see, I don’t know about all those things. I just put my money in the bank.”

“That’s sometimes a good idea and sometimes not. If you leave your money in the bank for a number of years and inflation is higher than the interest rate your deposit is earning then you’re losing money essentially,” Jinyoung explained. “Here; let me get a piece of paper and I’ll explain it to you. If over a period of ten years the value of the currency decreases by ten per cent but the rate of interest you’re earning in the back is only five per cent then-”

Mr. Cha cleared his throat and cut him off. “Son, I appreciate this but I don’t think I can take the math lesson at this age. My brain isn’t what it used to be, but I really want to set the money aside for my granddaughter’s college fund. Could you… do that for me? Handle the investment?

“You want me to do it for you?”

“If you don’t mind. I wouldn’t ask you if I thought you were too busy right now, but uh,” Mr. Cha rubbed the back of his neck with a sheepish grin. “I’m sure the money doesn’t mean much to a rich young man like you, but you could charge a percentage as your fees and handle the investment on my behalf, couldn’t you? I trust you’ll put it in a safe place. I’m worried my muddled old brain will make mistakes. I can barely remember where the coffee cups are most mornings.”

Jinyoung stared at the old man in surprise. Nobody had ever asked him to handle their personal finances before. It seemed an odd request; but a perfectly reasonable one considering the older man wasn’t at an age where he could really begin to learn about finance.

Also, the fact that the old man was so willing to trust him somehow filled Jinyoung with a sense of warmth. He couldn’t help but smile.

“I can find you a good place to invest it, Mr. Cha, you don’t need to pay me anything.”

“No, no. If you’re good at something then you should never do it for free. Besides. What if you run off with my money, eh? I’m not that stupid,” the old man joked with a grin. “If I pay you then you’re technically my employee, and I can sue you if you run away.”

Jinyoung chuckled. “Agent, Mr. Cha. I’d be your agent authorized to handle some of your money, not really your employee.”

“You call yourself what you like, young man,” he replied. Mr. Cha leaned forward and lowered his voice. “Don’t tell the other neighbours, though. They’d all come running to ask you for investment advice and you wouldn’t have a moment’s peace in this town. They’re greedy dogs, the lot of them. Especially that Mr. Kang.”

“It’ll be our little secret,” Jinyoung promised with a smile.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Mondays were always unbearably long.

Most of the children were cranky and even after you managed to get rid of them at 3 pm, there was a huge pile of homework on your desk waiting to be corrected. There was no way you could finish marking the homework and planning your lessons for tomorrow unless you stayed back late. You gathered your belongings and went to sit in the teacher’s lounge. At least there, you could get a cup of coffee and hopefully a similarly disgruntled teacher to keep you company.

You chatted with Mrs. Kang about her marital problems while you skimmed through the addition sums the students had turned in. It had been hard to sleep; you’d spent all night thinking about Lee Jinah and whether she had Jinyoung had talked about anything else.

Had they decided to get married? Had she managed to convince Jinyoung overnight? Perhaps they had connected and realized how much both of them wanted the same life? All sorts of scenarios flashed through your mind and the numbers on the page in front of you danced. What if he really leaves? If he gets married and disappears from my life once more?

Perhaps it was for the best. Perhaps someone like Jinyoung was only meant to be a passing cloud for you.

You weren’t sure.

You wanted Jinyoung to be happy. You wanted him to stay, but more importantly you wanted him to want to stay and that was something beyond your control. You couldn’t influence his mind or his decisions. To do so would be dangerous. Jinyoung would have to make his mind up for himself.

Why was it still so agonizing?

Why did you still hope so much that he would choose to stay?

It was around half past four when you received a phone call.

“Hello?” you answered the unknown number casually.

“Hello, ma’am. I’m calling from the local hospital. Mr. Park Jinyoung was brought into the hospital via an ambulance a little while ago; he asked us to contact you instead of his registered emergency contact number. Would you be able to come down to the hospital-”

You felt your heart sink into your chest. “What? An ambulance? Why would he be- what happened?” you demanded. You felt dizzy and light-headed as you jumped to your feet. Oh god. Not a hospital. Not Jinyoung, no, no, no. “Is he okay? What’s wrong with him?”

“There’s no serious danger although he appears to have been in some sort of an accident. There are bruises and suspected broken bones. We’re sending him in for an x-ray now.”

You felt faint. “I-I’m on my way.”

--------------------------------------------------------

“Ah, yes; Room 303 on the third floor-”

You were sprinting your way through the hospital, heartbeat racing. You didn’t like hospitals. You hated them in fact. You had lost both of your parents in hospitals and had sincerely hoped that you wouldn’t have to come to one again for a very long time. Especially not in terrifying circumstances like this.

Fuck, why aren’t the room numbers in fucking order? You felt like you had passed by Room 302 a hundred times but you couldn’t find Room 303. You spun around in a wild panic until you finally spotted it all the way at the end of the corridor. You paused with your fingers on the handle and took a deep, calming breath. Part of you was terrified of what you would find on the other side but you could handle it. You would handle it.

It’s fine. The nurse on the phone said there was no serious danger. It’s fine.

Why were you still panicking?

You were just about to push the door open and enter the room when you heard it; a sound that you hadn’t heard in years. It sent a sudden warmth down your spine and your fingers on the handle went limp.

Park Jinyoung’s laughter.

Not his forced and reserved smile. Not the cunning little smirk he gave you when he was pleased with himself or the small chuckle he let out when he was embarrassed or found something cute. This was laughter of the unrestrained variety. Jinyoung’s real laugh was deep and loud, but it was also warm and intimate. Jinyoung’s laugh was honest.

It was one of the most beautiful sounds in the world and you hadn’t heard it in a decade.

You swallowed and carefully entered the room.

Jinyoung was lying on one of the many beds. The curtains were drawn around the surrounding cots but Jinyoung’s curtains were kept open. His arm was wrapped in a cast and sitting next to the bed was the familiar mushroom-hair head that unmistakably belonged to Ki-woo. Ki-woo said something cheerfully and Jinyoung laughed again; this time you saw the way the corners of his eyes crinkled handsomely and his lips spread across his face.

“Hi,” you greeted the oblivious pair.

Jinyoung’s eyes brightened as soon as he saw you. He opened his mouth to speak but before he could, Ki-woo had turned around and run up to you delightedly. “Miss! Miss, I brought Jinyoung-ahjussi here because he fell and I told the nurses to call you!”

You forced a smile down at Kiwoo. “Kiwoo, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you have gone home after school?”

Kiwoo hesitated. “I… I was playing with Jinyoung-ahjussi.”

“Can you wait outside for a few minutes, please? Just sit on one of the chairs in the corridor outside and I’ll come and get you as soon as I’m done talking to Jinyoung, okay?” you asked. It was getting hard for you to maintain your composure and you didn’t want the small boy to see you lose your cool. Kiwoo looked disappointed but he nodded and slouched out of the room.

Jinyoung blinked.

“Why did you send him out-”

“What the fuck happened? What’s going on?” you demanded.

Jinyoung laughed nervously and gestured to his wrapped up arm; there was also a white bandage taped to his chin. “Ah, yeah. The doctor just left. It’s a fractured wrist and a couple of minor bruises, no big deal. They said I could leave as soon as someone came to pick me up.”

“But how?”

Jinyoung rubbed the back of his neck. “Do you want the long story or the short story?” he wondered. Upon seeing your furious glare he cleared his throat. “Okay. I’ll give you the short story. I came by the school at around 3 pm to meet you but I ended up running into Kiwoo instead. We were playing around and, I, uh, I tried to climb the oak tree and I fell.”

You stared at him in disbelief.

“You did what?”

“Ki-woo kept making fun of me. He said I was old and that I probably couldn’t do it anymore and hey, I work out pretty often so I thought it wouldn’t be hard to defend my title as King of the Playground,” Jinyoung explained. His smile slowly turned into a grimace. “Anyway, the branch cracked under me and I fell.”

“That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard anyone say,” you snapped. You could feel the anger boiling in your stomach and making your head throb. All this had been because Park Jinyoung wanted to climb a fucking tree? “What sort of fully grown adult climbs a fucking tree to challenge a 7-year old? Are you out of your fucking mind, Park Jinyoung? Do you have any idea what it’s like to get a call from the hospital and have them tell you someone you love has just been brought there in an ambulance? Because I do and it’s the shittiest fucking feeling in the world so I swear to god, you need to come up with a better reason for having put me through that again!”

Jinyoung stared at you, eyes wide. The smile had disappeared from his face.

“I… I’m sorry.”

You glared at him. “No, you’re not. You’re a selfish, fucking idiot.”

Jinyoung opened his mouth to speak but before he could, a nurse came running over to you looking agitated. “Uh ma’am, I’m sorry but you can’t yell like that in here! Please behave like adults and maintain silence!”

You glared at her. “Isn’t there a doctor around here?”

“I can get one for you in a few minutes, ma’am, but you have to keep quiet.”

The nurse hurried away leaving you alone with Jinyoung again. Your anger had slowly melted and you saw that the happiness on Jinyoung’s face had disappeared. He looked guilty and he stretched his uninjured arm out towards you. His fingers wrapped around your wrist gently.

“Hey. Hey, are you okay? I’m sorry. I didn’t think that you would freak out, I told them to call you because I was worried my Mom would lose her mind.”

You frowned. “Yeah, she would. Thank god you didn’t call her.”

“Were you scared?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

You bit your lip and nodded, ducking your head to blink back your tears. You had never been good with hospitals and seeing Jinyoung in one was still making your head spin. But there was no real danger and you forced yourself to calm down.

“It’s fine,” you admitted. You looked at him and let out a dry chuckle. “What the hell was going through your head, Jinyoung?”

“I… I don’t know. I was just having fun and I guess I forgot that I weight about three times what I did when I was seven,” he admitted nervously. “But you know what?”

“What?”

“It’s the most stupid, spontaneous thing I’ve done in years and I feel great.”

Jinyoung’s eyes were shining and you stared at him quietly. There was something different about him now. This wasn’t the same Park Jinyoung that had returned from Seoul looking like his life was about to end. He looked alive now, he looked happy. There was a spark in his eyes that you hadn’t seen since he’d come back here. There was a spark in his eyes that you hadn’t seen since high school, when he finally got accepted to the university of his dreams.

Why?

Is it because he’d decided to go back to Seoul with Jinah? Is he happy because he can finally go back to the life he wants?

You felt sick.

“I’m gonna go check on Ki-woo before the doctor gets here,” you mumbled.

Jinyoung nodded and bit his lip. “Hey. Don’t get mad at him. He’s a great kid. He panicked a little bit when I fell but he managed to run to the convenience store across the street and use the phone to call me an ambulance. That’s some amazing level-headedness for a kid his age.”

“Don’t worry. I know who the idiot here is and it’s not Ki-woo.”

Jinyoung smiled. “Okay.”

You went outside and found Kiwoo sitting silently on one of the waiting room chairs, dangling his legs off the seat. You approached him and sat next to him with a smile. “Hey, Ki-woo. Are you doing okay?”

Ki-woo nodded and bit his lip. “Jinyoung-ahjussi is going to be okay, right?”

“I haven’t talked to a Doctor yet but I’m sure he will be.”

“Are you mad, Miss?”

You smiled. “Not at you. You did really well today, Ki-woo. I’m glad you remembered how to call an ambulance when someone is hurt. You were really responsible and I’m very proud of you,” you reassured him gently. Kiwoo’s cheeks flushed and you could tell that he enjoyed the praise. He smiled for a moment and then he looked up at you with big, worried eyes.

“Are you mad at Jinyoung-ahjussi?”

“A little bit. Jinyoung-ahjussi didn’t behave very well, did he? He knew that he shouldn’t have climbed the tree.”

“But I pushed him to do it! It wasn’t his fault!”

“It was definitely his own fault,” you replied firmly. “He’s older than you and he should have known better. You don’t need to lie and cover for him, Ki-woo. Once I talk to a doctor then we can all go home today, okay? You must be very tired. Have you had anything to eat?”

Ki-woo shook his head.

You sighed and dug into your purse for some change. “Here. Go get yourself a snack from the vending machine and I’ll be back after talking to the doctor.”

Ki-woo beamed. “Can I have chocolate?”

“Yes, you can have chocolate.”

“Awesome!”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bus ride home was quiet and awkward. Once you dropped Ki-woo off at the foster home and said goodbye, you and Jinyoung sat next to each other silently as the streets passed. You were only a few stops away from your apartment when Jinyoung suddenly turned to you.

“Can I crash at your place tonight?”

You stared at him. “Why?”

“Because my Mom obviously doesn’t know anything about this and considering how late it is, I don’t really want to walk into my house with a cast on my arm and bruises on my face,” Jinyoung admitted reluctantly. “She’s going to freak out if I tell her that I just came from the hospital. I’ll call her and explain the whole tree incident tomorrow morning.”

You bit your lip. “Fine.”

“You’re still mad at me, huh?”

“I’m trying not to be,” you replied firmly. You turned and looked at Jinyoung. Despite the cast on his arm and the various bruises on his face, his eyes were still sparkling. He looked happy. You felt something stir uncomfortably in your stomach. “Jinyoung. What happened to you? You’re acting weird.”

“Me?” he asked innocently.

“Yeah, you. Did you hit your head too hard? Do we need to go back to the hospital?”

Jinyoung smiled. “No.”

“Then what is it?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m just having fun. Is a guy not even allowed to have fun anymore? Do you know that I can’t even remember the last time I injured myself like this? Little injuries like this stops happening to you as an adult because you stop doing stupid things for the heck of it. I don’t remember the last time I did something without thinking about what purpose it serves.”

“There are ways to have fun without breaking your wrist.”

“Yeah, but I just wanted to climb that tree one more time,” Jinyoung admitted. He nudged you eagerly with a childish grin. “Hey. Did you know that if you reach the point of the tree where I carved my name in the first time, you can see directly into the teacher’s lounge? I saw you sitting in there today. I realized that’s how I got caught when we were six; Mrs. Lee must have looked out of the window and seen me right on top of the tree.”

“Fascinating,” you mumbled.

Jinyoung frowned. “Wow, you’re really mad.”

“Can we not talk about your climbing that tree? It’s giving me anxiety just thinking about it.”

“Okay.” Jinyoung bit his lip and glanced at you. “Let’s talk about something else. What’s the deal with Ki-woo? What’s his story?”

“Ki-woo?”

“Yeah, Ki-woo, the kid who treats me like I’m a super-hero. Why is he at the foster care home?”

Ki-woo’s story had been told to you by one of the social workers who came to drop him off at school and it broke your heart. “His mother is a drug addict,” you explained with a sigh. “He doesn’t have a father. She loves him a lot but she was declared unfit to be a mother and sent to a rehabilitation center two towns over when Ki-woo was four. He’s been in foster care ever since.”

Jinyoung blinked. “Oh.”

“He would have gotten adopted by now, being the sweet little kid he is, but his mother won’t hand over the adoption rights because she’s a mess but she won’t let go of him. He has to visit her twice a month, so they can’t let a family that lives too far away take him. That means he’s stuck at the foster home either until his mother recovers or until he turns 18.”

“That’s horrible,” Jinyoung mumbled.

“Yeah, that’s what life does to some people. Ki-woo really deals with it well,” you sighed.

“I guess sometimes we don’t realize how lucky we are.”

You nodded silently. You didn’t know what to say. Seeing kids like Ki-woo reminded you that you had a lot to be grateful for and that there was some innocence and good left in this world. He was an adorable child and you could tell from Jinyoung’s expression that he felt the same way. “It’s nice that you played with him,” you told Jinyoung quietly. “He doesn’t have a lot of friends.”

Jinyoung nodded. “He’s great.”

“He is.”

Jinyoung let out a soft, contented sigh and turned to face the window. His eyes were shining as he watched the buildings pass by. His soft lips were twisted into a gentle smile. There was something relaxed and carefree about Jinyoung. You couldn’t understand it. You took a deep breath and opened your mouth to prod him further.

“Jinyoung, do you-”

“Have you ever felt like the fog just suddenly cleared out of your life?” Jinyoung asked suddenly. He turned to you. “Like… everything was just muddled and you didn’t really know which way to go so you kept going in circles but suddenly everything cleared and you can see to the end of the road?”

You swallowed. “Uh, no.”

“I feel like that right now. I don’t know what triggered it,” Jinyoung explained. His voice was rising excitedly. “But then again, nothing ever triggers these things. It just happens, you know? Something tips you over and suddenly you get this new clarity. Like you know what you want. I think I know what I want. For the first time, I feel like I can see how my life is going to go over the next couple of years and I want it to go that way.”

“O-oh.”

“It feels great.”

You forced a smile at him. Don’t know what triggered it? Perhaps Jinyoung didn’t know what triggered it but you had no doubts. It had been Jin-ah and her marriage proposal. Her arrival had cleared a new path in Jinyoung’s life. He had finally found a way to go back to Seoul and do what he loved to do best. He had found a way back out of this stifling town and to the life of luxury he craved.

You would have been delighted too.

“That’s great,” you whispered. “If that’s true then I’m really happy for you, Jinyoung.”

“Hey; it’s our stop!”

You hadn’t noticed that the bus had stopped. Both of you had to hurry to get off in time and Jinyoung chuckled when he saw how flushed you looked. “Come on, let’s go. Have you had dinner? What are we going to have for dinner?”

“I… I don’t know. I probably have some groceries. I can cook.”

Jinyoung grinned and threw his uninjured arm around your shoulder. “Great, I love your cooking.”

-----------------------------------------------

Jinyoung wouldn’t stop talking the entire time you were in the kitchen. He was largely useless with his cast but he climbed up onto the kitchen counter and dangled his legs off it while he watched you chop vegetables. You couldn’t even remember why he was here and why didn’t just go to his own home, but you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him to leave.

“Do you like having me around?” Jinyoung wondered.

You raised an eyebrow at him as you chopped the onions. “What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I like having you around.”

“I’m kind of a pain sometimes, though, right?” he asked doubtfully. He had picked up an apple from your fruit basket with his uninjured hand and took a huge bite out of it. “Like, I’ve been depending on you a lot. Emotionally, I mean. That doesn’t annoy you?”

You put your knife down and frowned. “Did you wash that?”

Jinyoung blinked at the apple. “No.”

“That is so dirty, Jinyoung.”

“So wash it for me. I’m injured,” he pouted, handing the apple to you. You sighed and took it from him. Jinyoung’s eyes followed you around the kitchen as you washed it. “You’re not answering my question. I’ve been depending on you a lot these days. Am I being too needy? I feel like this is a one-way street.”

You frowned. “It’s not.”

“It kind of is, though. You never tell me anything.”

“What have I not told you?”

“A lot of things,” Jinyoung replied firmly as you returned the washed apple to him. “You didn’t tell me about the money for your mother’s hospital bills, you didn’t tell me about wanted to go to medical school. I used to think that I was this amazing friend to you but now I realize that I mostly just leech off you and give you nothing in return. Emotionally,” he added before you could open your mouth. “I’m not talking about the money. Anyone would have given you the money.”

You didn’t know what to say. You took a deep breath and resumed cutting the vegetables. “I don’t know what to tell you, Jinyoung. It really sucks that you left for a decade but I guess I don’t really need anyone to emotionally depend on right now.”

Jinyoung was quiet for a moment. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“So it doesn’t make much of a difference to you whether I’m around or not?” he asked. “You don’t really care if I stay here or I leave, is that it?”

Your shoulders stiffened. Was this it? Was he preparing to tell you that he was going to marry Jin-ah and go back to Seoul? You took a deep breath. You hated hearing that Jinyoung was thinking about leaving and you hated listening to him talk about things like this. But he had been so happy all day. He had been shining and laughing and all that was because he was finally thinking about going back to Seoul and working for the Lees, right?

How could you rain on his parade because of your stupid feelings?

“I guess it doesn’t matter that much,” you muttered.

Jinyoung jumped down from the counter and stepped closer to you. “You know why I’m asking, right? I’m trying to make up my mind as to whether I should accept Jin-ah’s proposal.”

You bit your lip. “Right.”

“Honestly, there’s nothing really stopping me from taking it up, you know? Jin-ah’s ready to marry me in a heartbeat. All her other options are old men. And her father loves me. He would hand me his entire company in a second. I could even take my parents to Seoul with me. So I mean, honestly… from my perspective right now there seem to be more reasons to leave than to stay.”

“Right,” you whispered. You felt your heart sink into your stomach. Right, of course, he’s going to leave, why would anybody in their right mind stay in a place like this with someone like me when he could be living the life of luxury with Lee Jinah-

“Can you think of a reason I should stay?” Jinyoung pressed. He was standing close behind you now and you could feel him hovering over your shoulder. You kept your eyes on the onions; surely the tears welling up in your eyes were due to the onion juice. Jinyoung’s warm hand landed on your shoulder. “Any reason? Maybe somebody who might be hurt if I decided to leave?”

You were trembling.

“I-I don’t know. If you want to marry Jin-ah then you should marry her, why are you worried about other people?” you muttered.

“Because sometimes people don’t always tell you everything.”

“Then that’s their problem.”

“Is it?”

You nodded. Jinyoung was so close behind you that you could hear him breathing. His free hand came up and gently tugged on a lock of your hair that had escaped. Fuck. He was far too close and your heartbeat was thudding.

“So if you can’t think of anyone who needs me,” Jinyoung whispered, his hot breath tickling your neck. “Or who wants me around or would miss me… then I should just call Jin-ah right now and tell her to go ahead with the engagement. Shouldn’t I?”

Your mind felt numb. “Y-yeah.”

“Are you sure?” you heard a crinkling of paper behind you as Jinyoung shoved his hand into his pocket. “Because Jinah left me her number before she went back to Seoul. I was supposed to call her as soon as I made up my mind. I could just call her and tell her to go ahead and announce the engagement, right?”

“You could.”

“Can I borrow your phone?”

You flinched. “Now?”

“Yeah. I don’t see what the point is in delaying something like this. I’ll call her now.”

“I-It’s on the dining table in my purse.”

You heard Jinyoung’s footsteps move away from you and towards the dining table. You sneaked a glance at him; he really had a piece of paper in his hand and was digging through your purse for your cell phone. You stared at him as he finally found it and opened it with a smile, starting to enter the number from the paper into the dialpad.

Your heart clenched.

Fuck, this is really happening. He came here and made me fall in love with him again and now he’s just leaving like it never happened. Your grip on the knife tightened. You wanted to run to Jinyoung and tell him not to call that girl, you wanted to wrap your arms around him and tell him that you needed him to stay here with you. But he looked so happy. How could you take that away from him? How could you be responsible for asking him to give up his dreams? What sort of horrible person would do that?

No. No, you couldn’t.

Sometimes truly loving someone meant doing what made them happy, even if it hurt you.

Jinyoung lifted the phone to his ear, his eyes darting towards you briefly. You watched as he waited for it to ring and then his expression brightened.

“Hello? Jinah, is that-”

A searing pain shot through your finger.

Shit. You had just sliced the length of your index finger and blood was seeping out onto the cutting board. You gasped at the sight of it. Feeling dizzy, you dropped the knife on the floor and ran to the bathroom. Ignoring Jinyoung, you slammed the door shut behind you and stuck your finger under the running tap water. The blood wouldn’t stop; you grabbed a wad of toilet paper and pressed it against the cut to stop the flow.

Oh god, I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore.

You let go of the toilet paper and leaned against the sink. Sobs were racking your chest. It felt like someone had wrenched out your heart and thrown it on the ground in front of you. Losing Jinyoung once had been painful enough but losing him the second time was unbearable. Why had you let yourself fall in love with a man like him? He would never want to stay with you, his eyes would always be on some bigger prize.

You would never be enough for Park Jinyoung.

There was a banging on the door. “Hey! Are you okay? Open up!” Jinyoung insisted. His voice sounded panicked but there was nothing you could do. The reality of your situation had sunk in too deep. You felt so pathetic. You felt small and worthless and alone.

Fuck, fuck, why can’t I stop crying?

Jinyoung grabbed the handle and yanked the door open. He froze in his tracks when he saw you; leaning against the sink with one hand bleeding and your entire body shaking from the sobs. Within seconds, Jinyoung had pulled you to his chest and wrapped his uninjured arm around you tightly. His hand stroked you back hurriedly.

“Shhh, shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he whipered hurriedly. He held you to his chest tightly and pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “Listen to me. It’s fine. I’m not calling Jin-ah. Okay? I never was. Look; I don’t even have her number, this is my bus ticket from earlier, I was just trying to get to you. Fuck. Fuck, why do you do this to yourself?”

You didn’t know what to say. You fisted your hands into Jinyoung’s shirt and sobbed harder against his shoulder. Jinyoung sighed and kissed your hair again.

“God. Is it that hard? Is it really that hard for you to say those words to me? Because that’s all I want from you, love. I want you to stay with me, Jinyoung. Can you just say that to me? Please?” he begged. “Can you just tell me honestly whether you want me?”

“B-but… you-you want to go back-”

Jinyoung stepped back and grabbed your chin to make you look at him. When he stared at you, his eyes were red and his lips were pressed together in a tight line. His expression scared you.

“Fuck that. Fuck what I want. I’m a grown man, I can figure that out for myself. I need to know what you want. For once in your fucking life I want you to not give a fuck about my happiness and tell me, in the most selfish way you can, that you want me to stay. Tell me that you need me. Say it.”

“I-I can’t-”

“Say it, or I’m leaving and I won’t pretend this time,” he snapped. His eyes were filled with anger. “Say it so help me god, I will take the next fucking train back to Seoul and never come back here. Do you want me to do that?”

“N-no,” you whispered, trembling. I don’t want to hold you back, I don’t want to be the reason you’re unhappy-

Jinyoung dropped his hand. He looked broken. “Is that it? You’re not going to say it?”

“I-”

“Fuck this, I’m leaving.”

No. No, Not again. Something inside of you lost control and you grabbed Jinyoung’s shirt, pulling him back before he could turn away from you. You threw your arms around him. You couldn’t fight this anymore. It was eating you alive from inside and there was only so much you could take before you cracked.

“Don’t go,” you sobbed. “No, don’t go, please don’t go.”

Jinyoung relaxed. “Really? Are you sure?”

You nodded against his chest as you felt a terrible weight lift off your shoulders. You couldn’t bear to see Jinyoung walk away from you. You couldn’t lose him again and spend the rest of your life alone, knowing that this time it was your fault. You couldn’t lose him a second time. You couldn’t.

“I’m sure,” you choked out. “Stay. Please.”

“I’m staying because you want me to,” Jinyoung reminded you softly. His arms wrapped around you again and he gently caressed your back. His pressed his face into your neck and you could feel his own tears against your skin. “Remember that. I’m staying because you want me to stay. I-I’m staying because you want me. You know that, right? You need me.”

You nodded silently. “Yeah.”

“Say it again.”

“I need you,” you whispered.

Park Jinyoung took a deep breath and wrapped his arm around you tightly as he closed his eyes. He didn’t want to let go. He had to have you in his arms and feel the one thing that he realized he had been craving ever since the moment he came back to this small town. He didn’t want to be a charity case. He didn’t want you to look at him the way you looked at something that you took pity on. He didn’t want to be something you took care of because you were simply that kind.

He wanted you to need him as much as he needed you.

And for the first time, Jinyoung felt like he had a place in your pure heart.

He doubted that any achievement in his life would ever top this one.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was difficult to wrap up your finger considering that you only possessed one working hand each, but you managed to make it stop bleeding and wrap it up tightly. Jinyoung kneeled in front of you as you sat on the couch and secured the bandage around your finger.

“I feel like I should make a joke about us both hurting ourselves,” Jinyoung muttered. “But it’s not really coming to me right now.”

You nodded, letting out a small hiccup. “Oh.”

Jinyoung looked up at you. It had taken a while to calm your sobbing and even now that it was over, you kept hiccuping. It was adorable and Jinyoung’s eyes sparkled as he stared into your red eyes. He brushed his thumb over your flushed cheek. “Hey. Do you want some water?”

You shook your head. “I-I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

You nodded silently.

“I’m sorry I threatened to leave,” he whispered. His fingers slowly traced your cheek and gently cupped your face. He took a deep breath and then forced a smile. “I thought pretending to call Jin-ah might make you a little jealous and force you to admit that you wanted me, but you’re a tougher nut to crack than I imagined.”

You gave him a watery smile. “I feel like an idiot.”

“You’re not,” he told you. “You’re a beautiful person. Because I know that you kept your feelings bottled inside trying to make me happy. And I don’t know anybody else who would sacrifice so much for another person’s happiness. You’re that selfless and beautiful. You always have been. But I couldn’t keep watching you hurt yourself.”

You hiccuped and looked down at your hands. “I-I wouldn’t do it for just anyone.”

“Oh?”

“Only… only for someone I love.”

Jinyoung’s lips broke into a soft smile and he moved closer to you. Your heartbeat raced when his hands slid into your hair and pulled your face down towards his. “Oh? You mentioned something like that earlier in the hospital, too. Something about getting a phone call about someone you loved.”

You flushed.

“I-”

“Fuck, baby, I love you too. So much, you have no idea.”

His lips pressed against yours softly. Your heart nearly exploded in your chest as Jinyoung kissed you with all the passion that you’d both been holding back. It was sweet and loving and beautiful, but you could also feel his desperation in the way his lips tugged at yours. Jinyoung needed you. He needed your kiss and he needed your touch so badly.

“Jinyoung-” you whispered against his lips.

He gently sucked your bottom lip in between his and kissed you harder, moving his body in between your legs as his fingers entangled in your hair. “What?” he mumbled against your mouth. He was out of breath but your lips tasted too sweet. Jinyoung kept kissing you harder and more passionately, not letting you speak.

“Isn’t-isn’t this too fast?” you mumbled.

Jinyoung let out a chuckle; a low, deep chuckle that made your entire body tingle before his lips traced down your jawline slowly. “Too fast?” he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the underside of your jaw and letting his tongue trace over it. “It’s been ten years since I first wanted to do this to you. Aren’t we going too slow?”

You had no response.

“I don’t- I don’t really…”

“Fuck,” Jinyoung stopped kissing you and pulled away for a moment. His lips were swollen and his eyes sparkled like diamonds as he looked up at you. Under his gaze, you felt like the most beautiful person in the world. “You’re right, we shouldn’t rush into this. I don’t want to mess it up. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”

“What’s the wrong idea?” you wondered.

“Any idea that suggests that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you is the wrong idea. But I don’t want to scare you. I’m already on my second chance here, I’m not going to fuck it up. Let’s take things slowly. Let’s try dating.”

You couldn’t help but give him a soft smile. Something inside your chest fluttered.

“Really? You really think we should date?”

Jinyoung chuckled. “Oh, yeah. I didn’t tell you, did I? I’m not unemployed anymore. So there’s no need to give me that look. I finally found myself a job.”

“A job? Here, in town?”

“Yup. Does that make me more attractive?”

“Marginally.”

Jinyoung chuckled and kissed you sweetly. “Good, because I don’t want to be the unemployed bum of a boyfriend. I promise I’ll do everything right.”

You couldn’t help but giggle. “Unemployed bum is the last phrase I would use to describe you.”

“Really? Even if I brought that old black hoodie out again?”

“Please don’t.”

Jinyoung chuckled and wrapped his arms around you tightly. You giggled against the soft skin of his neck as he spoke. “I promise I won’t. I won’t fuck this up. This is too important to me. I’m going to make up for all the pain I caused you, and I’m going to show you that you can trust me again. Is that okay?”

You nodded.

“That sounds nice,” you whispered.

“Great.”

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