#earlier i was worried i’d fell on myself in the process of expressing my opinions so i just stayed quiet

[padfootastic]

H E L L O jfp-eyes pen (thats your new name btw)

i know its a little late but my mind keep going back to it and i also talked about a similar issue w several other people on here since and i was wondering if you can/want elaborate on what you said about this:

"like, u want potters to be desi? it’s not just the cute clothes and good food and linguistic differences u need to keep in mind. there’s so much more where it comes from, including several practices that will be considered highly objectionable by this rigidly judgemental crowd."

((i am v v interested but no pressure to answer this, i totally get if you dont want to get into this discourse))

dani—you’re gonna pull me into the desi potters discourse one way or the other, eh?

so. i’m not sure how much sense this’ll make because it’s like…half-baked thoughts but my problem with this scenario actually stems from a more macro, general trend i’m noticing in fandom behaviour. for some reason, puritan culture & veiled conservatism is coming back in the guise of progressiveness? and that’s leading to a lack of critical thinking in these spaces & randomly attributing buzzwords to things out of context bc u don’t have more than a shallow understanding of it.

which means that that comment was directed at a very specific subset of fandom that decided that idk ignoring the Bad Things & Flaws would somehow make them cease to exist. let’s only take the most ‘exotic’, fun aspects even if it’s a completely one dimensional reading & run with it. they wouldn’t be able to tell u what desi is beyond the barebones.

so, you’ll have people vehemently arguing that the potters can’t be anything but desi and white james is gross and i’m just like—why. why are u, as a non-desi person, so attached to this headcanon that you’ll ridicule real people for it? and then their attitudes as well. the incest thing, for example. there are communities in india that marry their first cousins—if i write a story tomorrow where james marries his mother’s imaginary brother’s daughter, then depending on how i HC him, that’s perfectly culturally acceptable (and desirable). if i write a story where euphemia and fleamont use corporal punishment for him, and he takes it super lightly and jokes about it, that’s also fine. (which is a direct contrast to how the western black family & sirius’ abuse is treated). there’ a community in india where the man ‘drinks’ from his mother’s breast, publicly, at his wedding to symbolise the last time he’d be her son before he becomes someone’s husband. another where a new mother can’t feed her son until her sister-in-law washes her breast thoroughly. caste is something that’s not even touched upon. it’s so complicated. but how do u think it’ll be received by most of the desi potter crowd if i actually do write any of this? will i be praised for my ~representation or called out on twitter for being a freak?

and that’s really where i get annoyed. the attitudes most of this crowd hold does not have any space for cultural subjectivity, what is ok to them has to be universally ethical. there’s no way other cultures do things their way and if they do, it’s barbaric/backward/problematic etc etc. pseudo-colonial, like i said.

(disclaimer: i want it to be made very clear i’m not demanding people nclude this stuff in their fics. i’m well aware of how escapism works, being the premier advocate for it. im just saying it won’t hurt to be mindful of these facts, that this is a whole culture that’s ridiculously diverse that doesn’t just exist for the sake of people’s headcanons)

and this isn’t even going into the cultural nuances of how desi families work. you can’t bring in american/european individualism & have james move out at 18 & write everything transactionally & do everything the way u would for a white character but only pay lip service when saying they’re brown ykno? when u say they’re a certain identity, there’s so much that comes with that. and if u don’t include any of that, then it really just makes me wonder why u want a brown james—feels like ego appeasement and falling to peer pressure half the time tbh.

another important thing for me is that so much of this crowd intersects with the ‘fandom is activism’ crowd and i just. fundamentally disagree with those people. and find their words/actions incredibly performative. by which i mean, the way they treat real people—people from the communities they’re adopting as HCs for their beloved characters. there’s this…hypocrisy, yeah? what i mentioned above, about how if i wrote some culturally different practice, i’d probably be attacked. they don’t want desi potter, they want white-lite potters that is palatable to & tailored for their own constitution but in a form that they can pass of as ‘oh look, my characters r diverse which makes me Morally Good and i can use that to shit on others’.

i think my problem is just that i don’t like it when people use the identity headcanons to portray themselves as being inherently better because they have ~equal representation. fandom is not a government institution—lateral visibility & membership is not a prerequisite to wanting to write about x and y fucking or going on a date or hugging or having a conversation. making a marauder group where each character—functionally an OC—is from a different community (often w/o considering how intersectionality works) for the sake of saying ‘oh i have a x in my HCs’ does not make u some radical leftist, yeah? and i strongly dislike people who pretend it does.

#also jfp-eyes pen skshdjhskcwdj #see i’m more open ab this now bc i’ve outed myself lol #earlier i was worried i’d fell on myself in the process of expressing my opinions so i just stayed quiet #this doesn’t apply to everyone obv #some people don’t want it to be that deep #(but then my question is why even incorporate it if u don’t lol) #this isn’t a black or white/yes or no thing #there’s no wrong or right way for things here #it’s just personal discomfort i was expressing tbh #this wasn’t easy for me to articulate #bc i’m not exactly sure what it is about this whole thing that bothers me sm #i think it’s also just—american audiences in general that irl me #irk* #esp w all this shipping/fictional likes discourse that keeps going on #bc they’re really very self centred imo #and it’s weird watching this for the outside #lol dani u really got me ranting here #but it’s an issue that bothers me sm #esp that puritan young adult/teen crowd #who somehow believe they know best #and intersectionality—identities are such rigid boxes for them #the fluidity & agency & human element of it is completely erased #bc *what* they are becomes more imp than what they can do for the plot #and then u start putting fictional characters on a pedestal and fight w real people #like i just wanna say—my litmus test for anyone advocating for desi potters would be this #if i wrote a story where fleamont hits him with his footwear and james jokes about it before going on to marry his first cousin #then will u accept it? #bc if u say u do then good. if u don’t tho—take a long hard inside urself re why u fight so hard for desi potters then #pen’s asks #pen’s notes

[sinceileftyoublog]

Alasdair Roberts Interview: What News? Nae News.

Photo by Alex Woodward

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Earlier this year, Scottish singer-songwriter Alasdair Roberts released one of his finest albums to date--one that’s not even a solo record. What News is a collaboration between Roberts, pianist David McGuinness, and electronic artist Amble Skuse. If it sounds contemporary--the clicks of Skuse’s laptop interweaving with McGuinness’ keys and Roberts’ voice and occasional guitar--the songs are not. They’re traditional Scottish ballads that the three make sound more alive than ever.

Speaking to me from Glasgow earlier this year, Roberts detailed to me how hard it is for him to find a U.S. booking agent. “It’s a difficult time for English folk music,” one facetiously told him (not realizing Roberts sings undeniably Scottish songs). But what What News proves is “same as it ever was.” The songs are riddled with sad tales of death rooted in a world with oppressive gender norms, a world we’re always threatening to return to. In some ways, we already have. The familiarity of the songs is eerie, and it makes them all the more powerful.

Check out the rest of my interview with Roberts, edited for length and clarity, below. He reveals the process behind making What News, the problematic nature of many of the songs, and his take on Drag City’s much publicized decision to make much of their catalog available for streaming.

Since I Left You: What overall inspired you to embark on the What News project?

Alasdair Roberts: I had these traditional Scottish ballads--I love them--that I had been singing for a while. I wanted to do something with them. But I was kind of growing a bit frustrated with my customary guitar accompaniment. I had worked with David McGuinness before on a few things, so I thought about a piano accompaniment on these songs with him playing. He’s a great pianist, obviously, and I knew he’d have some good ideas. Also to free me up from singing and expressing myself vocally and concentrating on the songs without having to play an instrument at the same time. I thought it might be an interesting challenge and way of developing as a vocalist.

SILY: These songs had been kicking around in your live performance, but had you ever recorded any of them in a traditional way before?

AR: [For the album] No Earthly Man, the song “Long A-Growing”, we actually recorded in that session. In a studio in the middle of nowhere in rural Aberdeen. We had a bonfire one night and set up some microphones around the bonfire, and I recorded that song that night. But we didn’t put it on the record. Some of them I’ve been singing for a long time. Some I haven’t performed live. Some I’ve performed live before with guitar and bass. Some just unaccompanied vocals.

SILY: Did you ahve to narrow down a larger group of songs, or did you know you wanted the record to be these specific songs?

AR: There were a couple of songs that we tried playing, but they kind of fell by the wayside. One was a song called “Lord Donegal” that I ended up putting elsewhere. Essentially, I felt really strongly about these particular songs.

SILY: Where did you put “Lord Donegal”?

AR: It’s on this record called Missed Flights and Fist Fights that I made with a couple of guys from Chicago--Bill Lowman and Brad Gallagher. It came out three years ago, self-released.

SILY: How do you go about deciding the arrangements for traditional songs?

AR: In this case, it was pretty organic. At first, it was David and I, and then Amble got involved later on. But David and I would meet a few times in Glasgow, and I’d just sing him the song, he’d think about it for a while and come up with a piano accompaniment. We’d just organically do that process of back and forth between the two of us and then between the three of us.

SILY: Did you give Amble and David free reign to interpret and add to the songs?

AR: Pretty much. We all gave each other free reign, really. I kind of like that, when the people I work with have good ideas and are free to express them rather than someone saying, “Play these notes” or “Do it this way.” I’m very happy with how it all came out. I don’t regard being 100% happy with everything as necessarily a good thing or a victory. It can be just as valid to have your aesthetics, ideas, and assumptions challenged. Something that may be a bit uncomfortable or that you may not enjoy.

SILY: On the Bandcamp page, you mention, “Amble Skuse's electronics keep the 21st century in the picture, which unfortunately, seems necessary.” What did you mean by “unfortunately seems necessary?”

AR: That must have been Drag City that wrote that. I don’t think it’s a comment about Amble’s music making but about the 21st century. That unfortunately we still have to remain in this century. That’s what I understood it to be. Right this minute seems like a particularly rough time. But I don’t think the past was much better, really. 

It’s easy to look back on the past. A lot of these songs detail a very tough existence. Tough situations which obviously happened in the past just as much if not more so than now. Particularly for women. The gender politics of these songs are quite questionable. That was a thing that came up a lot in discussion between the three of us making it. It’s always the woman who suffers or gets done in. How do you sort of deal with that in the present day when you’d like to believe you have liberal attitudes?

SILY: How did you deal with that?

AR: I’m not sure if we did, really. [laughs] I suppose just by thinking that they’re a reflection of attitudes and experiences that existed, and it’s important to remember that they did, lest they should persist.

SILY: That’s one of the good parts about living in the 21st century.

AR: That’s one of the good things, but there’s always that counter struggle against forces of liberation, and so on. Like the rise of the Alt-Right or whatever. The back-and-forth seems inevitable.

SILY: Do you have a favorite track on the record?

AR: I don’t think I do. [laughs] I was laughing because when David and Amble and I were rehearsing, I think Amble asked David a similar question. And he said, “I’m trying to free myself from my likes and dislikes.” And we were like, “Shut the fuck up.” [laughs]

A lot of people seem to like “Clerk Colvin”. That seems to get a lot of attention. The one that’s 10 minutes long.

SILY: It’s about a fifth of the album.

AR: That seems to be a standard favorite. I can understand why. I don’t think it’s necessarily my favorite. I like them all.

SILY: Was the title taken from a line in “The Dun Broon Bride”?

AR: It was, but I think it also comes up in the second track. It’s kind of like a stock phrase in these ballads. “What news, what news.” Some point when something exciting has happened, someone will ask this question. The answer, invariably, is, “Nae news, nae news.” 

SILY: It’s a question, but it almost seems like an exclamation of exasperation, too.

AR: I see what you’re saying. It could be read as that. But it’s “nae news, nae news” because nothing really changes. The human condition now is the same as it was long ago when these ballads originated.

SILY: What’s the story behind the cover art?

AR: There’s a woman called Amy Whiten who is a friend of Amble’s. The three of us were discussing artwork, and Amble said, “We’ll get my friend Amy.” She sent examples similar to this one, a variety of work, and we all liked it, so we commissioned Amy to make 8 individual pictures for each track. She had free reign over it. We gave her a month, and she came up with what she came up with with minimal input from the musicians. It’s how she envisioned the songs.

SILY: Did you have an opinion on Drag City’s choice to stream the large majority of their catalog?

AR: I had mixed feelings about Spotify. Before Drag City put my music on Spotify, there was some of my music on there. I felt kind of weird about it because it wasn’t representative of what I do now. Some of it was very old or atypical of what I do. I know a lot of people go to Spotify to check out new artists or artists they’ve never heard, and I was partly worried I was being misrepresented there. In a way, I’m happy that the Drag City stuff--the core of my work--is there for people to hear. At the same time, I’d obviously rather people buy physical copies.

Roberts, McGuinness, and Skuse have a few UK live dates lined up for the fall, as does Roberts solo and with other collectives.

#alasdair roberts #Interviews #music #what news #alex woodward #david mcguinness #amble skuse #alasdair roberts amble skuse & david mcguinness #drag city #no earthly man #missed flights and fist fights #bill lowman #brad gallagher #alt-right #amy whiten #spotify #what news? nae news.

[eversincethatnight]

Have you really been listening? This is the last of what I have to say on my side for a while. 

You’re the kind of guy to do what you think is “necessary.” All the things you’ve done to me are actions that have made you stay true to who you are. They hurt me tremendously. Ironically, it’s what I’ve grown to love about you. Ironically, it’s what leads me to believe when you’re in, you’re all in...and I just wanted that for us. 

I’m going to carry on with what I processed today because I feel it to be “necessary.” 

Love is a peculiar thing. You can definitely love someone, but not be in love with them. I always question it and feel like I manage to romanticize this way too much or that I’ve been in lust, or make things up in my head. This thought really had me going today. I was questioning everything and I was like “Do you really love him or do you think you love him?” “What has he done for you to feel this way?” I thought about all the things you did and didn’t do for me...and it all didn’t matter with what I came up with. I know exactly why I feel what I feel and I know that it’s honest and true. I really would like to go through my day feeling like I’m not curious about you in the world like I am, constantly. It takes a lot of my energy knowing it’s because I don’t talk to you anymore like we did. Knowing we don’t keep tabs on one another and that you don’t want me in your life. The reason I’m this way is because I just feel like it’s a situation that I predicted, but really wish didn’t turn out the way it did. I rethink everything and analyze what’s transpired over the last few months over and over again. I tell myself I’m not being fair to myself and try to talk myself out of this by saying “he’s not giving a shit about you now, so why are you fumbling around in these feelings?” I hate having to do this and think so negatively about you in order to get by. 

And then I asked myself this: was I alone in the moments where I felt connected to you? They were fleeting moments. Did I do this all on my own? I couldn’t have right? They were moments I enjoyed, but you so easily were focused on the world outside of us all the time. I always took it as you not being interested in me, and I remember a time you felt bad that I questioned your interest. But really, I couldn’t have been alone in these moments right? It wasn’t one-sided? I feel like you constantly didn’t let yourself go over this wall. There was something always holding you back. I was always left wanting more. You wouldn’t let yourself fall too deep all while I just fell so damn hard for you. 

I wonder why you haven’t gotten so frustrated that you just tell me to leave you alone. Well, don’t worry about that one...it inevitably will have to happen because I feel I’m left with no choice. I am constantly setting myself up for disappointment and hurt when I don’t get the response I’d like from you. I’d just like respect and ease when we communicate. I don’t understand why I get the constant cold shoulder.

“I think it’s best if we take a break for now maybe later in life will work out a little better.”

I’m not sure what that means, but I thought about this idea intensely today. What are the reasons why we’d work later in life? What is it that you think I have to go through and learn? The specifics. What is it that you have to go through in order for this to be a good fit? I wish that you would have the ability to open up and talk about this. It’s not been fair. From the very beginning I’ve been very honest with you and have tried to diminish any concern you had about me. I wish you would find it in yourself to express your feelings for me in this aspect. What’s missing and why not now?

There are things I always wanted in life. I’ve always wanted a great love of my life. I have wanted children for sure, but for some reason, I’ve always had a feeling that I won’t be granted children of my own. I have always had this feeling growing up. As long as I can remember I’ve always been told I’d be a great mother, and I know I would be. I always thought that life would be about having a happy career, having a loving husband and beautiful children that we proudly raise. I did want these things, but for the past year I’ve been floating around and this idea just doesn’t make sense all the time. I don’t think from the beginning with you that I was adamant about children. I don’t think once I said I had to have children to you, and this is where I lead up into what I have to say.

For some reason, even when I tell you that there are things I’m willing to put aside for you, you think I am lying. You think there’s something wrong with this and there’s not. I’m not lying and I’m not telling a story to reel you in. I just truly believe that it’s too soon to believe that you don’t want children with someone you love down the road. You don’t know what being in love will do to you when it comes to children. You don’t know what life will do to you and the person you just fall for. It’s okay to want different things. It’s okay to want one thing before you meet someone and then change a little because they influence. I’ve done this. It’s okay to love someone and budge a little on your own beliefs. That’s love and how the world moves. That’s how I work, that’s how I move, and I would never resent you for it. I also feel that if we had moved forward I wouldn’t pressure you into this. I think I’d always be okay with just having you. That isn’t a lot of pressure...and that is my truth. As long as I got you I’d be fine. 

I’ve thought very deeply and very far about this. I wish you genuinely understood. I haven’t said a whole lot about your adoption, your family, the twins, and their mom. I really believe these things play a role in how you look at your future and your now. I’ve wanted to talk to you and be there for you as you rummage through these things. I’ve never pressured you into seeing someone about them because it’s never been my place, but if it was, I pray you see someone. I really think you have a lot about your past that needs to be unpacked and you won’t be completely ready for anyone until you do. You cried with me the first night we met. You told me you didn’t imagine your life the way that it is. I will never forget that. You also told me once that you didn’t think you would ever be good enough for me, and I wanted to know why this was. Are these things that you’ve believed and things you’ve based your reasoning on? I wish I could be present in your life to just be there for you. 

Earlier today my cousin in Dallas called me to see how I was. She never does this, but we stayed on the phone for over an hour talking to me about us. She asked how we were doing. This is my cousin that married a black man. I went to her for advice when we first started talking because I remember I wasn’t sure what to do with how I felt about you. I felt like I was doing something that wasn’t smart (because of my family) and then got to a point where it didn’t phase me at all because I was so into you. I thought about how maybe this was a struggle I didn’t need, but then asked myself if it really was a struggle. It opened my eyes to a different way of thinking and made me realize that there was nothing wrong with liking you and I felt how I felt because we are just two people. We aren’t anything else, just people dealing with other people’s damned opinions on race. With us, I don’t see race at all...it was something new spending time and being with you. And it’s something that doesn’t even matter to me. She struggled with this guy for a while because he didn’t feel deserving of love. He didn’t want to risk her being disowned by her family because of the race card. He didn’t feel like he could handle what she brought to the table because of an age gap and her having child. She explained to him that she didn’t care about being disowned and that she loved him. She felt very much the way I feel about you. Where you know how someone makes you feel and even when they close off you know there’s more worth waiting for. She told me it was nearly the same for her and Kyle. Initially, he wasn’t willing. He even told her when he walked away “I tried to move on and be without you. It didn’t make sense for me to do so. It could have been easy for me to find a woman that didn’t have children, didn’t want children, and that was my age, but that’s not fair.” Through time and space he realized that she was the only one for him...and even though it was very hard at the beginning they are madly in love now and have each other. The family accepts him whole heartedly and they have a wonderful marriage. She told me she prays for you because she feels that you are so similar to her husband. There is a lot that’s in the past that makes way to the now and it’s not fair for you to be this way with yourself. 

My cousin left me on this note and it’s biblical. She said “God made Eve from the rib of Adam. There is a man out there missing his rib, the only woman that is his rib.” How can we not believe that other people don’t complete us in some way or another? It’s okay to understand and not need someone to complete you, but in reality, the person you end up with has got to make you better in some way or else you’re not going to want them around. There is only one you and only one me. You can argue that there are people out there that want the same things we do and that we don’t want to sacrifice for one another. But that’s not fair. We could make is so easy by forgetting each other and moving on, but that’s not right either. There’s only one you, there’s only one me. 

I realize I could be talking out of my ass. I do. But I’ll continue. 

I can’t imagine someone else with you. I hate the idea. I can’t know what’s going on with you because it hurts too much. But, like anything else what is meant to be will be. I’ll accept this and pray about it. 

I want you to know that you deserve a great love. You deserve someone to care about you so much that they want you to be okay every second of the day. You deserve happiness. You deserve every single one of your desires in life to be fulfilled. You deserve to travel the world. You deserve to be kissed at night and loved. You have deserved a lot of things in life that I know you didn’t get. I know from my side that is so much easier for me to say because I will never understand what you’ve been through. However, I know the kind of person you are. I see through you. 

And here’s the last piece I have to say. I’d like the think you struggled with the idea of us for a while in good reason. I fell for you because you’ve challenged me from the beginning. I loved our conversations the first night we met. I loved the way you looked at me. I loved the detail in things you did. I loved the way I felt that night with you. I felt safe and understood for just a while. I wanted it to continue. You have a charisma to you that I find so attractive. Your wit and cleverness kills me. When you care, I know you really care. You pay attention to details. You practice self awareness. The way you are with boys melts my heart. Although I think there is a huge aspect of understanding each other’s core that was missing from this relationship, I really know I’ve yearned for the potential of you all this time. I yearn for deep talks that never happened, and conversations about the future. I miss holding and being held by you. I miss your kisses and looking into your eyes. During those moments is when I felt that you cared. My hands on your your neck and holding your face. Back rubs to sleep and you asking if I’m okay in the night. Sex...I miss everything about it. I really could go on. 

I think I’ll always hold out for you, Michael. I’ll leave you to figure it out and see what later in life brings. I hope that it brings us together in a better time, but I’ll have to figure out how to carry on. That’s the worst part. I love you. 

[dragon-moms]

Entry 95 - Gloria

Today I tried to stay awake.

I was awoken by an aide much earlier than I really wanted to be.

“Good morning, Council. Everyone will be glad you’re here,” they said as they dropped off a small stack of documents. “You weren’t at dinner, and there was some concern.”

I tried to blink myself awake and remember the aide’s name. Different ones were at the meetings every time I was here and I must admit I had given up on learning them all. There were at least three that were Blacks, and I couldn’t remember which one this was. It made me feel like a pretty awful person at the moment. “Was harder to find someone to watch my Egg for an indefinite amount of time than I thought,” I said.

“I understand… if they didn’t have the nursery for government workers here at the Peak, I would have been lost with my son before he hatched,” they said. “After, too, honestly.”

I hadn’t even thought about that as an option. I doubt anyone would have turned me down during a crisis. My head was involved in too many things at the moment. “Yeah, well, I got it taken care of, so I can focus purely on this situation,” I said. It was likely better the Egg was away from here anyway. More freedom to act.

They nodded. “In any case, breakfast will be ready shortly, and then I believe her highness has some updates on the situation to discuss with you all.”

“I’ll be there,” I said.

They left, and I fell back into the bedding. I couldn’t stay there. But I wanted to. There was too much to process. I hadn’t even spent any time thinking about Philly’s situation before Merry rescued her, as there was no doubt that rescue was now the right term. And what could I do with Flare?

I forced myself up to all fours. There was nothing I could do but keep moving and wait for an opportunity. That’s why I had made sure I had time.

I got up, and rummaged in my bag for my pipe. I still only had the small amount of Grass I had packed for my normal trip to the Peak. Barely enough for one more pipe full. I sighed, and filled and lit my pipe. I savored it before heading down to breakfast, wondering if I could ask an aide to buy me more Grass.

As I walked into the dining area, everyone looked up at once. Every single Council had eyes on me.

“Hi?” I said. “Did I miss something?”

There was a general glancing around. Of course, it was Haramond that stood up, cleared his throat, and spoke. “The Council has some concerns about your involvement with the humans,” he said.

“Because of Flare,” I said.

“Yes, because of your son,” Haramond said.

“Okay,” I said. “That seems reasonable. Can I get something to eat?”

“Gloria, this is serious,” Ivy said. “We need all claws on this if we don’t want another war.”

“I agree,” I said. “Trust me, nobody wants another war less than I do.”

“Can we trust you, though?” Haramond said. “We don’t believe we can.”

“Are you speaking for everyone?” I asked Haramond.

There was some vague, rumbling that I couldn’t conclusively read as approval.

I looked around at the faces I’d seen regularly for years. We were the dragons that were supposed to know what to do. The ones who ran things. I mostly saw faces that weren’t sure of anything. I really couldn’t blame them. Negotiating with humans was an idea from a completely different world.

“It would be safest if you stepped down, Gloria,” Ivy said.

“If I’m a problem, the Queen will remove me,” I said.

“You know that’s not true,” Baal said. “You even made her a garden to ensure she’d keep you around for this.”

That caught me off guard. “That was for other, personal reasons,” I said, trying to swallow how much that bothered me, this idea that I was just trying to earn favors with her, and not… well, I guess win her back. I am fucking hopeless.  “And the fact remains that I know the person we’re negotiating with better than anyone. I can be valuable here. But I understand if you need to take everything with some doubt. I have no ill-will towards anyone who does.”

“Personal reasons,” Baal said, scoffing.

“Maybe you don’t remember, but I used to take care of that garden years ago,” I said. “It died. I wasn’t very good at it. I thought I’d try to bring it back. That’s all.”

“Perhaps you do not understand the importance of the situation,” Haramond said. “We are suggesting you resign before we have to work to remove you.”

“I doubt everyone in Orin is going to side against me. I helped build the place with my own claws. But if you want to bring up the referendum, be my guest,” I said, and turned to grab a plate. I shoveled a bunch of food on top of it and sat down, and ate in silence.

Everything was so awkward. They had to know there was no way I could prove Flare was not influencing my decisions. It was sensible for me to step aside, at least temporarily. In a different situation, maybe I would have. But I couldn’t back away from things now. There was too much going on to risk it in someone else’s claws. They would just have to deal with me being here. I started looking through the documents I’d been given so I at least had some vague notion of what we were going to be discussing.

Everyone was still stealing glances at me as we moved to the Council chamber. That changed when the Queen entered. I had figured she would seem exhausted. I know I was, and I wasn’t doing what she would have been doing while I was gone. But instead she seemed like any other Council day. I wondered how much of it was a front.

“We would like to first hear everyone’s updated impressions on our situation, and then we will discuss specific demands made and demands to make,” the Queen said.

“We are going to negotiate, then?” Baal said. “That’s a terrible idea, your highness, as I outlined last time.” Baal went into a speech he had clearly been practicing during the gap in time. One by one, everyone talked. Finally, the Queen’s eyes turned to me.

“There’s some worry I’m pushing a questionable agenda,” I said. “But I want to help. So if you have a question I can answer, let me know. That’s all I’m going to say.”

The Queen gave me a look. “We require your opinion, Gloria.”

I shook my head. “Fine. I think negotiating and very carefully establishing some sort of concrete, on the record peace agreement is a good idea. That’s all.”

I was getting better at watching the Queen’s expression change, having been watching specifically for Reliquary for a while now. I swore she went through at least four before turning back to the rest of the Council.

“Most demands the representative from the humans is making are reasonable. We will discuss them in full. But we should first tackle the questionable ones,” the Queen said. “Most importantly, his request to be able to talk to and practice the religion of his supposed god.”

“You mean practice it here?” Grant asked.

“Yes,” the Queen said.

Grant scoffed. “What, he’s going to convert people to believe in some nonsense god?”

“We asked him a similar question,” the Queen said, “and his response was…” She motioned to an aide, who flipped through some parchment and handed one to her. She adjusted her lenses and read. “‘Not recruit anyone, just let them know all about what Progress does and how it’s super neato.’” She set the parchment down. “We are to understand that was an attempt to present the idea as harmless.”

I dug my claws into the side of my desk a little. Was Flare really taking this seriously?

“If he’s trying to present the idea as harmless, it’s likely anything but,” Baal said. “If the humans have already converted one dragon, the son of a Council,” he really emphasized that part, glancing over to me, “then they could in theory convert anyone to their cause. I’m not sure how, but we should be on guard.”

“I will at least agree something is not right here,” Estuary said. “I really don’t know exactly what the humans could have offered in the first place that a dragon might want, but I doubt it was a one-time offer. If we are going to let him create an embassy, we should be working to limit exposure.”

“But I thought the whole idea was to exchange information?” Boron said. They flipped through some of their notes. “Yes, right, I wrote it down earlier, that’s what they were offering in return. So wouldn’t limiting the gain of that information negate the entire purpose?”

“We could archive it for when it was needed,” Estuary said. “It’s not that hard. We have whole chambers of restricted information.”

“But that’s, like, only assuming he still gives it to us when we don’t let him talk to anyone,” Boron said. “He clearly wants to talk to other dragons or he wouldn’t have asked the Queen.”

“Gloria,” the Queen said, interrupting the conversation and making me jump. “Your thoughts.”

I took in the room. I was getting some unfortunate looks. “Flare has these little pamphlets to explain everything about his god, which must have been hard for the humans to make since they’re, you know, dragon-sized.”

The Queen nodded. “He gave us one. We currently have an aide copying the information within for the Council. Copies should be available later today.”

“Well, you all should probably look at it,” I said. “But if the humans put this much work in, it seems like it’s very important to them to get this god out there. So while I know my son well enough to know he thinks it’s exactly as important as he’s letting on, that doesn’t mean we should rule out him spreading this stuff as being dangerous,” I said. Once again, I kept my mouth shut on what I knew his aura could do. I didn’t think describing our little sparring match would win me any points.

“Gloria,” Mitchell said. “How can we trust your assessment of your son as harmless?”

“He’s not harmless, he’s just… not very deep,” I said. I wanted to add that I loved him, despite all this, but I figured that too would not win me any points. I did though. It was obvious as I had to stop the words from escaping as the obvious next line. He was still my little terror, and he was as oblivious as ever, but I wasn’t sure I’d want him to be more… with it. Even if his nature did get us all into this mess. He was obviously being manipulated. I couldn’t blame him for that. I loved him.

The Queen let out a breath. “We had sensed the same, but this situation requires the utmost caution.”

“He’s been away from many years, so maybe he’s learned some new tricks,” I admitted.

“So you know nothing about him,” Mitchell said.

“He’s my son,” I said.

“Which you have reason to protect,” Baal said. “So I apologize if I take all your contributions with a bit of skepticism.”

The Queen gave Baal a look, but did not comment.

The arguments continued. Occasionally an aide would bring in additional information, and we would read, and arguments would start all over again. During each meal, I was given a look by most of the Council. Ivy still ate with me, but I could tell she was worried about it. By the time it was night, I was exhausted, and I felt like we’d gotten nothing done but yell at each other. I was certainly no closer to keeping anyone safe.

I can’t really sleep. But I need to.

I need to be able to fight.

#dragons #moms #dragonmoms