#dungeon meshi really has a lot of feminine men huh

[zebrashork]

I don't really like making vent posts but I just feel the need to talk about it

Warning for misgendering and dysphoria, if that might make you uncomfortable

A supposed friend has been getting on my nerves (not anyone who may read this, this "friend" may use this site, but has no idea what my url is) a lot lately and I'm getting really frustrated and tired

He started off as just a friend of my brother, and then eventually he became my friend somewhat. We'd all hang out, and I came out to him as queer (both that I'm bigender and bi/aroacespec) because of a question he asked and I decided to be a funnyman about it. Even told him I have a girlfriend (Liz if you see this hihiii I had so much fun watching Dungeon Meshi with you mwah!!! ♡) and he was chill with it (we live in a small, very conservative town), and he even admitted he's attracted to feminine men. Cool. Swag. Me too, buddy

Like 3 days after I told him I have a girlfriend, he admits that he has a crush on me and asks if we could ever work out. No... I have a girlfriend. I'm not interested in you, I see you as a bro. And I am definitely not what he is looking for (when the three of us have discussed the future, he stated that he is a huge family man and wants kids. Multiple. I do not even want one child because I struggle to take care of myself and am not physically, mentally, and emotionally able to raise a child, now and far into the future). He accepts that on call. And then like half an hour later I receive a massive wall of text apologizing and groveling and then a call the next day asking again if there's even a chance and I shoot him down again. And that's the end of it. He respects my answer and moves on. Whilst still a shitty thing to do, he grew up in a specific culture that encourages that and whatnot, so I'm glad that he now actually views me as a bro

He's a cisgender guy and for the most part, Identities as heterosexual (sometimes he uses another label that is queer but not a whole lot), and he's pretty repressed, but I've seen him make steps towards improving. Since the town we're in is so small, my brother and I are some of the few friends he has, all the others are either old people who stick to these toxic standards or people who want to be gangsters. I know that there's gonna be bumps in the road, but he's been trying to improve...

...in all areas but one

Again, I told him I'm bigender and to use it/its for me around people who know (him and my brother)

And he never has

Not only that, but I haven't gone by my legal name since I was 7 years old, before I even knew not being a girl was an option for me, I felt more connected to my name (which sounds more androgynous) instead of my legal one, but I started using it since before I could even talk. My brother gave me my name and I can't see myself with any other name.

Despite this, this guy has a 30% chance to call me my legal name at any given moment, a 10% chance to call me by my middle name(? HUH???) which is also pretty feminine, a 40% chance to refer to me by "Ms [legal/middle/last name]", and a 20% chance to use my preferred name. There's also occasionally calling me "little lady" or by an online alias in front of people which I told him not to do, keeping my online and real lives separated due to fear of my family learning of my gender identity and other things they wouldn't be too happy about. He also uses my name way more often in sentences than other people would (luckily doesn't just apply to me, and my brother gets the middle name treatment as well)

I've tried to nudge him the right way, with a "we're friends, we don't need to be formal" or no response until I am called my preferred name, even saying "hey don't call me those names", but I'm tired. I've been fine with being viewed as feminine (hell, I see myself as cutely fem in an androgynous way), being called "Ms [last/preferred name]", but in moderation. This is constant and more often than occasionally calling the doctor's office to get a prescription refill or registering for a program where, due to paperwork, they use my legal name. I used to be fine with she/her pronouns used by people close to me, but now I'm not even sure if I want to use them anymore or any feminine titles because they feel so wrong and constricting

So when he did it again tonight, I told him, again, in WRITING, to stop

This fucking sucks. First he says that he's fine I'm bigender and supports me, but as soon as I am tired of the misgendering (whether he forgets (he does have adhd and sometimes tries to repeat conversations from the day before which I get but. Come on. My name. You know not to use my middle name which isn't even common info, you just heard my name story from my mom) or does it intentionally, idk) he is all "I can't believe that stuff" like. Hello???

If I cut him out or get angry, my mom will know something's up, and I can't tell her why because that involves telling her of my gender identity, and while she might accept that I'm bi, she is lowkey transphobic and doesn't even thing nonbinary Identities are real. So I'm stuck, left getting more frustrated until something else happens. I can only hope my wishes are respected for once

If you don't have homemade dysphoria, friend induced is fine

#vent post #so sorry for being a downer. im just tired of this