#character: panzysmasha

[stories-from-the-warp]

Misadventures of a 40K Ork in Faerûn

Alternatively titled: "Da Legend of Da Panzysmasha"

CHAPTER ONE

(( Poll at the end! Decide his fate! ))

Having thrown himself into yet another rift, Gib-Gob quickly found himself back in real-space---or a kind of real-space, at least. He landed face-first on the ground, knowing he had escaped the perilous Warp. Praising both Gork and Mork, he kissed the dirt with gratitude. Unfortunately, such celebration came too soon and Gib-Gob was not out of danger yet.

Looking up from the ground, Gib-Gob learned he was not alone. Malevolent creatures with swollen brains and squid-like faces surrounded him. Gib-Gob didn't know what these ceremorphic fiends were, but felt the instinctual need to krump them into a paste. He jumped to his feet and roared as these foreign enemies readied their claws.

Tripping one with his foot, Gib-Gob grabbed its leg and swung it into another. Two grabbed his arms, yet the tables quickly turned and the Ork smashed their invertebrate heads together---likely causing significant brain trauma, as these fiends had no solid skulls. Another came from behind and tried to feast on his brain, but tasted only a green fist. As the tossed fiend weakly began to stand, Gib-Gob pulped its head with a nearby chair.

Still reeling from having collided with a fellow, that second Mindflayer focused its attention and placed two fingers on its temple. Understanding that this unusually large "Orc" could not be beaten in physical combat, it blasted Gib-Gob with a psychic attack---sending him back to kissing the dirt, unconscious.

An unknown time later, Gib-Gob awakened inside a biomechanical capsule. He had no memory of being interred within it or anything after he was brain-blasted by some "squid-faced humie".

Climbing out of the opened capsule, Gib-Gob surveyed his surroundings: a dead Mindflayer lay beside a broken tank of yellow brine, black chitinous plates burnt or flaming, throbbing walls of pink flesh and the faint roaring of monsters from outside.

"By Gork..." Gib-Gob muttered. "By Mork..."

"WUZ I LOOTED BY SOME EXTRA UGLY GENE-STEALERS AND FED TO A ZOGGIN' NID?!" he thought aloud, very loudly.

"Can't believe I forgot da other most important rule da Big Mek once told me: 'always look before ya loot'. I'ma toss a grot into any portals I find from now on."

Borrowing a steel axe from the dead Mind-flayer, Gib-Gob then searched for an exit.

"Well, dere's only two ways outta some Nid: out da mouth or out da back end. But considerin' dat Nidz got big chompin' teef, da back is probably safer..."

Gib-Gob approached the a fleshy orifice and readied himself for the unenviable task of running through a Tyranid's bowels.

Fortunately for Gib-Gob, this behemoth was no Tyranid. Rather, it was an Illithid Nautiloid---a living ship piloted by Mindflayers, acting as both a mobile base of operations and a transport. He had entered what appeared to be a laboratory, filled with examination tables and brains stored in tanks.

Out the corner of his eye, Gib-Gob saw what looked like a dead Eldar captive. Its face was twisted in untold agony as blood dripped from the top of its head. But much to Gib-Gob's surprise, the corpse suddenly kicked.

"Free us," a childish voice called to Gib-Gob. He searched for someone else---even looking behind the stored brains---but found no one.

"Free us from this body, from this case," the voice called again.

At first, Gib-Gob thought someone was playing a trick on him. When the corpse's head turned, however, he noticed a quivering brain still inside.

"Release us. They are coming," the voice cried, jiggling the greymatter of this unfortunate "Eldar".

#character: panzysmasha

[stories-from-the-warp]

Misadventures of a 40K Ork in Faerûn

Alternatively titled: "Da Legend of Da Panzysmasha"

PROLOGUE

Among Greenskin-kind, the Death Skulls clan are an anomaly: preferring looting over fighting and favor short engagements against weaker enemies, giving peers the impression that they are "un-orky". Combined with their poor habit of borrowing without ever attempting a return, Orks of this clan are almost as distrusted as a Blood Axe. If one such Ork believes an item could be useful later, he will take it---regardless of whether it is bolted down.

Naturally, when an ancient spacehulk emerges from the Warp, any self-respecting Death Skull would make haste to pillage it---doubly so if they are a Mekboy in search of parts and upgrades. This is the tale of one such kleptomaniac engineer: Gib-Gob "Da Panzysmasha".

Gib-Gob---often called "Gibby" by his fellow Mekboyz and "Mr. Gibbs" by everyone else in his warband---shoved aside countless Boyz and Grotz to ensure he was be the first Greenskin to set foot on the hulk. He zealously carved through every door and tore open every cargo container, seeking first dibs on the best components and equipment.

Deep inside the hulk, Gib-Gob found what appeared to be a large teleportation device. Instantly convinced that the best loot was on the other side, he slammed his fist into the control console, rushed onto the platform and threw himself at the opened portal.

Just as he crossed over the threshold, however, Gib-Gob realized he had made a terrible mistake: it wasn't a teleporter he had activated, but an artificial Warpgate made with techno-sorcery. When he skidded to a halt and turned around, the portal had closed. Worse yet, lesser daemons had discovered his presence.

Frantically searching for an exit, Gib-Gob fought wave after wave of feral Warp-creatures---using all his ammunition, breaking his empty weapons beyond repair by bashing daemons with them. Piece by piece, his armor was either destroyed or torn from his body, leaving him half-naked and defenseless. Punching and kicking even after the bones broke, the self-proclaimed "Panzysmasha" would eventually get krumped.

But just when a much larger wave of stronger daemons came barreling towards Gib-Gob, a rift had opened nearby. Not particularly concerned about where this would lead him, Gib-Gob once again threw himself across time and space---praying to both Gork and Mork to guide him to a land of plentiful loot.

The Green Gods would hear his prayer, though Gib-Gob would not find himself anywhere in the Milky Way galaxy...

#character: panzysmasha

[stories-from-the-warp]

Misadventures of a 40K Ork in Faerûn

Alternatively titled: "Da Legend of Da Panzysmasha"

CHAPTER TWO

Suddenly, a wave of hatred came over Gib-Gob. This was an Eldar brain. Eldar think they're so much smarter than Orks, but they're wrong!

Farther back than any boy could remember, the Eldar ruled the galaxy and made it their cosmic playground. But in the age before the Imperium, their civilization was nearly wiped-out---leaving whole sectors ripe for the taking. The age of the Eldar had come and gone, as did the brief and destructive age of Mankind. Now was the time of the Ork and this talking brain needed a reminder of that!

Reaching inside the exposed cranium, Gib-Gob placed both hands around the quivering brain. For a brief moment, it must have thought the Ork was going to grant its request. But once Gib-Gob grasped this lump of greymatter like a Squigg Burger, he squeezed down like it was a grot's windpipe. It screeched, causing the body to flail widely before popping like an over-ripened grape.

Despite the face full of cerebral fluid, Gib-Gob was pleased with himself. He humbled a pansy Eldar like never before, proving just how weak their minds were. So much for the superior species!

Hearing another roar from outside, Gib-Gob ran to a still-steaming breach in the ship-creature's hull. Looking outside, he saw legions of devils fighting in burning chasms below and dragons flying overhead. Believing the Mindflayers had taken him back into the Warp, Gib-Gob sprinted along a section of exposed flesh---until he came upon a curious individual.

Leaping over Gib-Gob with lethal grace, a strange fighter landed before him and cut off his hasty retreat.

"Abomination!" she growled, aiming her blade at his throat. "This is your end!"

Far be it from an Ork to refuse a fight, but his would-be opponent was both familiar and alien: she had the speed and agility of an Eldar, but the muscular frame of a Sister of Battle. Her ears were large and frilled like a Gretchin, yet she lacked the needle-like nose. She wasn't quite green-skinned, though she certainly wasn't pink, grey or brown like a Human.

"Oi!" Gib-Gob barked. "Wot da zog is yoo supposed ta be?"

Confused by both his speech and his ignorance, the female warrior must have thought Gib-Gob was some failed experiment---brain butchered and mind warped beyond repair. But before either of them could speak again, the two suffered spontaneous and simultaneous headaches. They saw visions of themselves through the other's eyes, eventually coming to the realization that they were both taken captive.

"Tsk'va, you are no thrall," the woman said while sheathing her sword. "Vlaakith smiles on me this day. Together, we may yet survive."

"Hold on now..." Gib-Gob raised a fat finger in dissent. "I still dunno wot or who yoo is. If we'z gunna krump deez squiddy-boyz togethah, I needz ta know who's got me back."

However, a literal hellscape was no proper place to make acquaintances. Out from the corner of her reptilian eye, the woman saw a trio of imps in the adjacent room. She immediately charged inside, cleaving the small demon in two. Formal greetings would have to wait, but Gib-Gob approved of her fightiness.

#character: panzysmasha

[stories-from-the-warp]

Behold, the Ork Mekboy!

#character: panzysmasha #ooc nonsense

[stories-from-the-warp]

Remember that "helicopter backpack" upgrade from the early Ratchet & Clank games?

Panzysmasha's got one, but it doesn't make snappy remarks

#ooc nonsense #character: panzysmasha

[stories-from-the-warp]

“Surprise Me!” (Achilles)

"OI! SPACE MUHREEN!" an angry, near-unintelligible voice called out from above and behind Achilles.

Down came an Ork Mekboy, steering (if you could even call it that) what appeared to be a jump-pack refitted with rotor blades instead of thrusters---powered by a loud, sputtering engine.

"That there's MY Lemmin Russ!" the Ork pointed as he less-than-gracefully landed. "I seen it first an' I made dat big 'ole in its side!"

#akhenaten imhotep #character: panzysmasha

[stories-from-the-warp]

can you sort your muses from weakest to strongest?

Including the 40K characters?

Be'lakor (strongest)

Silkentongue

Khamun-ra

Gib-Gob Panzysmasha

Victor Saltzpyre

Skreech

Reynald

Mange

Sneek

Graft

Kruel

Skritchitt

Zek (weakest)

Skritchitt is mostly talk and Zek is delightfully incompetent, so they're on the bottom. Graft doesn't fight much, but he has some "upgrades" to help him

Of course, Saltzpyre is OP because he mows-down millions of man-sized rats and zombie Vikings per hour with flintlock pistols, but he can't warp reality like a superhuman psyker or giant fucking demons can

#ooc nonsense