#cant believe I wrote this shit listening to a song from the god damn doll movie

[0rionz-belt]

I don’t know how to explain that I’m not me in a way anyone can fully comprehend. I’m so tired.

#vent #I can’t just keep saying all of this stuff again. but I’m going to. #I look back on my life and it feels like I’m remembering scenes from my favorite movie. #or better yet. you know how if you tell someone something enough they eventually believe it? like in criminal justice shit? #I look back. and it feels like that wasn’t me. but they’re my memories. somehow. #this is the same body. same brain. same voice. #but I can’t remember more than an audience would. I’ll never know what I was thinking. how my brain worked. #and I can’t help but wonder if I’m still seeing my life like that. if I’m exaggerating everything. #if I’m exaggerating how amazing I really was. #I spend every day of my fucking life mourning over what I perceived myself to be. #because back then? back then I was building the skills needed to be a person in this world. #everything feels fucking broken with me. I’m in so much anguish. #I miss being a person more than anything. #I feel so horrible. not just for everything I’ve done but for everyone I’ve met. for my friends. #I feel like I’ve let everyone down. No one understands just how true that actually is. #If you could see the life I lost you would think I let you down too. I guarantee it. #this is the worst death one can have. Everyone loses the you they know. But you still have a body and brain that has to face the aftermath. #I’ve been in agony for so long. so much of me is dead. I just pray that the rest of me goes painlessly. #cant believe I wrote this shit listening to a song from the god damn doll movie