#cant be in a relationship because conflict = failure and my perfectionism cant allow that *eyeroll*

[charonte-simi]

Retreated to the woods for a couple days and in the midst of my solitude I had to confront some really interesting things I had internalized about relationships and, shockingly enough, parenthood.

It really all comes back to perfectionism at it's roots. Also being afab and the stupid fucking messaging we're forcefed. But needless to say it's making me question some core stances that shaped my personality but I'm filing those away to be mulled over at a later date cause I do NOT have the bandwidth to deal with that shit rn

#cant be in a relationship because conflict = failure and my perfectionism cant allow that *eyeroll* #also cant parent because if rhe kid so much as has a bad day = failure as a parent #and god forbid that kid not make it out of childhood without carrying some form of trauma = greatest failure ever *eyerolls even harder* #also ''starting a family'' must = birthing the child yourself as an afab person <- no longer the case nowadays #also sidenote im just fucking lonely? drastically so. a family could be cool?? maybe???? fuck i have no idea #its a terrifying prospect but is that only so because of my perfectionism? #much introspection to be had #shits hard #i could very well come out the other end of this still not wanting that family structure tbh #its very possible nay even likely #but it feels important that i at least humor the thought and actually genuinely consider it #then i can make a truly informed decision about what i want my future to look like #rather than continue living by standards that old me set up unquestioningly #hell i dont even have to do the family thing i could just partner up with someone #or several someones #its fucking scary because that person is out of my control (duh) and thats unacceptable for my perfectionism. so we opt out #but why am i letting that dumb voice in my head dictate how i live?? why does it have authority over me and my decisions??? #like wtf that goes againt everything im about fuck off trying to tell me what to do #idc that its a voice in my head it doesnt get to boss me around. *I* control me. period. and that voice is decidedly NOT me #simi speaks